The Blues

Saturday 9.th of April 2002

It's Saturday, and I'm celebrating with Garth Brooks, coffe, Baylis and candellights. Stood down my appointment to hit town tonight, and am having a great time "alene hjemme i hodet mitt". A tiny, little bit drunk, all right, but nothing serious.
My youngest son, Knut just went out the door with three of his friends, going out to celebrate his 18.th birthday. Amazing to have ones youngest growing up to be a man...
anyway, before he left, he sat on my lap in front of the puter listening to a song, and I realized how much I have to be happy for in life. I have two sons that I love more than anything in the world, a great daughter in law, a crazy, wonderfull family, and so many good friends. I am a wery fortunate woman, and I know it. Makes you wonder if you apreciate it enough, love and friendship is nothing to be taken for granted.
I just played a song by Garth Brooks that says it all so well - how important it is to let ppl know you love them while you still have the chance to do so.
Sentimental an cliche'ish?? Shut up and read - remeber I'm drunk, all right, that means I'm entitled to it!!

To all of you that I have ever loved - both near and dear and farther away (including you, Cinn :-) in space and time...:

Sometimes late at night
I lay awake and watch her sleeping
shes's lost in peacefull dreams,
so I turn out the lights
and lay there in the dark.
Then a thought crosses my mind:
If I never wake in the morning
would she ever doubt
the way I feel about her in my heart.

If tomorrow never comes
will she know how much I love her
did I try in every way
to show her every day
that she's my only one.
And if my time on earth were through
and she must face this world without me
is the love I gave her in the past
gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost love once in my life
who never knew how much I love them.
Now I live with the regret
that my true feelings for them never were revealed.
So I've made a promisse to myself
to say each day how much she means to me
and avoid that circumstanse
where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel.

'Cause if tomorrow never comes
did she know how much I loved her
did I try in every way
to show her every day
that she's my only one

And if my time on earth were thru
and she must face this world without me,
is the love I gave her in the past
gonna be enough to last
if tomorrow never comes

So tell that one you love
just what you'r thinking of
if tomorrow never comes.

Have a wonderfull weekend, and remember, even tho I can be such a pain in the ass sometimes, I really do love you all and keep you all close to my heart all the time......

Drunk and happy and incredibly lucky,
yours forever, Trine :-))

Thursday 14.th of February 2002.

Happy Valentines day, all!

I have comitted the worst crime a webmaster can ever comitt - I have left my site asleep. Long time, no see. I wish to be more active, I really do, but sometimes things get to heavy and stuff to do pile up. Have had no energy left to put in here.

But today! Oh, today I felt the warm touch of spring gently caressing my soul, and what a wakeup call that was! I know mother nature is fooling me, it's still a way to go, but just the promisse of it all made my heart burst out in laughter. So you see, folks, there's hope just around the corner.

Valentines Day. Had any cosy little hearts pop up in your mailbox yet? Been out shopping for some long overdue flowers for your dear one? Or maybe you've finally worked up the energy to make someone that special caserole you should have done ages ago? Done the dishes tonight, maybe?
Well, it's all wery well, sometimes we do need an extra push or a special occation to put in that little extra effort. And, of course, the shopowners needs a little extra cash in their registrer. I'm shure they've earned it. But what about everyday? What about all the small things, all the nice ways we can go about to show someone we care, that they are special, that we appreciate them just being there?
Why do we need special days for that?
What about you send me some flowers next Saturday, or just pop in to do the dishes for me once in a while?

Well, it was only a thought, but....
...you might wanna chew on it.

Take care and sleep tight.

Sunday 7th of Oktober 2001.

The 11th of September is still fresh in our memory - and probably will be for the rest of our lives.
That was the day of the terrorist attack. The killing of the innocent.

Today - the 7th of Oktober - is the date of revenge. Time for the killing of the criminals.

How do we decide who is the innocent and who is the criminals? For me, that is wery hard. Is the inhabitants of a terrorist regime a legal target wether they are supportive of it or not?

If the answer to that is yes, we are all in big trouble. If the answer to that is yes, we legalize a lot of terrorist attacs that have been comitted all over the world. Because we, the western world, have committed many a crime all over the world - and the poorer parts of the world in particular. We have killed whole rases to gain riches, we have enslaved, we have colonialised, we have killed for oil, for power, you name it. It is only natural that a lot of people hate the western world. We have inprisoned tem in their hopelessness and powerty, we have exploited and robbed them, to ensure our own growth and luxury, and we have little or no respect for other cultures.
It is only natural that we, the western world, is a target of hate, if the situation was the other way around we would be as hatefull as them.

I do not mean to defend terrorist actions. I do not defend the killing of innocent civilians - on either side. I do agree that terrorism must be stopped. From both sides.
What I do believe, is that it is time we take a good look at ourselves, our actions, our disrespect, our exploitations. We can not expect to be loved and to sleep safely in our nice beds for the rest of our lives if we go on treating the rest of the world like we have been. If we do not change our ways, this will never end.

Rid the world of terrorists, yes. Take their collaborators. All of them. We cannot tolerate such actions.
But do it the right way. Do it without killing innocent civilians, do it without punishments like starvation, refusal of medical help, all those terrible means that always in the end inflicts civilians, not the villains.
Do this thing right.
And make shure that from now on, to do right by all nations of the world. We are all equal, we are none of us worth more than the other. None of us.

Sorrow
Sorrow like a ceaseless rain
Beats upon my heart.
People twist and scream in pain,--
Dawn will find them still again;
This has neither wax nor wane,
Neither stop nor start.
People dress and go to town;
I sit in my chair.
All my thoughts are slow and brown:
Standing up or sitting down

Edna St.Vincent Millay

Good night and sleep safelyt :-)

Sunday 9.th of September 2001.

Smiling is the shurest thing,
it cures the sick of heart
when autumn rules in times of spring,
a smile's the safest start.

I meant to write more, lol, but just didn't have the peace of mind to do so. I am so restless, and can't keep a thought for more than a few seconds. Have been to a friends house and fixed a puter, had to fight it really bad for a while - but I won in the end, hehe, after sinking so low as to read the manual.... That's a bad thing to have to do, some kind of a last resort. Was shure the puter was broken, 'cause I couldn't get into the bios - turned out it just was'nt "delete", F2 or F5. It was F1. Unheard of, lol, but it worked.

Should have been like that in real life too, if your ever in doubt, go read the manual." Ok, it's a simple as that", then you just go out and do it, and everything would be just right. Because you were told what to do.
Sometimes, when I have to make difficult decitions, I just can't make up my mind what to do, and I don't act. Or, I act in a way I know I shouldn't, because I'm too stubborn to do the right thing, or, sometimes, am unable to. Because I'm so stubborn.
Will be the end of me. one day, I guess :-)
But whos to know what's right and what's wrong? Most of the time you don't know till it's too late, when you realize you were wrong, after all. Then all you can do, is sing along with Eagles; "the damage's done."
When all you really wanted to sing, was "peacefull, easy feeling".
Why can't anything be easy, just once in a while, at least? Why can't life stop having to teach me lessons all the time, it's so depressing!!

Bad is never good until worse happens

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry

We're all in this alone

Oh, there is so many great sayings, that can really make you feel bad to the bones, delicious, isn't it? We can always wrap ourselves in selfpitty and complain abut how unfair life is, it's really easy. But I think what my deceitefull friend Faith is trying to teach me goes more like this:

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears

Hard things are put in our way, not to stop us, but to call out our courage and strength

If opportunity doesn't knock, go to his house and kick the door down

If you hold someone in your heart, you never lose them, ever

And I'm not complaining, really, I do have a greate life, I do have a lot of friends, and if I wanted to, I guess I could fill all my hours in all my days with stuff to do, and friends to do it with. It's just that I am that kind of fool who likes to hang out with myself now and then and figure out stuff. It's kind of fun. And sometimes, kind of scary, my thoughts often wander in places better left alone.
Che sera, sera, or whatever.
So what, shit happens.
But if you remember to smile,The Good Stuff will, too.

Sleep tight, hands on top of your quilt, please.

Sunday 1.st of September 2001.

Yet another weekend is over. I meant to write a great deal here this weekend, but sometimes things doesn't work out the way you mean them to.
I meant to do a lot of things this weekend, mission not accomplished.
Sometimes all you can do is struggle through, and this has been one of those weekends. Now, midnight is creeping up on my windowsill, and I know a new workingweek is only hours away. I should have built up courage for yet another week, I have thousands of things to do, I start teaching eveningclasse this week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, and know I'm gonna need my strength.
But here I am, knowing I should have been in bed a couple of hours ago, catching up on my beautysleep, but not even that I can accomplish.
I should have written some mails this weekend, I was set on doing it, but didn't get around to.... Sorry Cinn, you'r one of them... will pull myself together later this week.
I should have moved my lawn, prbl for the last time this season, but it all rained away. I should have emptied my cellar of a lot of junk to make room for my firewoods, and I should have been out with friends this Saturday.
All I've really done, is sit inside and listened to the rain, feeling fall creep up on me, making me melancolic as hell. I've read a lot, but turned out the book had a really lousy ending, and I ended up feeling terribly sad when I put it down. Sometimes books can be scary, it's like reading about your own life, ripping up old wounds and making you think too much.

Anyways, good thing I have to go to work tomorrow, will straighten me out and get me into the real world again. Nothing like a hard day at work to get your feet back on the ground :-)
Gotta go - and try and find some excuses for not going to bed for a couple of hours. I hate that - going to bed, I mean...
Sleep tight, sweet dreams.

Monday 27th. of August 2001.

Well - a new week, new oportunities, right?
Hmm, I certainly hope so.

This is this Saturdays winningnumbers in the national lottery:

They cashed 1.3 miilion norwegian kroner.

And this - is the numbers I have been playing for the last 9 years:

Now, the big question is, did I remember to play this weekend?
Take a wild guess.
Those of you who know me, knows the story of my life. You will also know the answer.
:-)

Sleep tight.

I once did a bad, bad thing.
Not that it was the first time, lol, my life is an endless line of things I shouldn't have done -
according to others.
But this particular thing was really bad, and it made me so insanely, deleriously satisfied.
I have thought about it many a times, I have even enjoyed the aftermath, so to speak.

It was all about hurt.
I was hurt, so I had to make the one that hurt me, hurt too. That's how it works, ain't it?

Sometimes paybacktime is unevitable, sometimes what you do to others must backfire on you, right?

Anyway, I did all these things, I made a mess the best way I could, and I don't even dare tell you what it was.
My only regret was, I couldn't be there to watch the reaction to what I had done.
I did wish I was a tiny little flea hiding on the wall, so I could watch and memorize. But I wasn't of course, so all I could do was make up my own visions of what happened. And yes, it gave me many a good time.

Later, of course, as time heals and one tend to be more forgiving, I do see the childishness of it all, and I do see that it might not have been the sane thing to do.

Then there is the question of an apology.
I had this feedback the other day on my site, good wishes and "keep up the good work"- kind of stuff. I must say, it kind of made me happy, comming from an old "long-time-no-se" - friend. Who might have been somewhat mad at me a while back because of some mess I stirred up....

Be honest, was part of the message.
But, you see, that's a problem, really, if I'm going to be both honest and at the same time apologise. The two things doesn't mix.
If I was to apologise, I wouldn't be honest, and if I was to be honest, I wouldn't apologise.

I will choose to be honest.
As I say in my entrance - poem, time is a great healer. Shit happens, and is soon forgotten. The good stuff has a tendency of lingering, while the bad stuff fades away. I must admitt that is wery much the case, I do have a problem brooding over stuff longer than a couple of minutes.

But an apology? Never, lol. It was so much fun, I wish you'd been there. And I felt so wery much entitled to. It was my right, my little place in the sun - that year...
Time is a great healer, right, and I'm quite shure that sooner or later, I guess sooner, you'll laugh at it too....

Have a nice day.

Tuesday 27th of March 2001.

All things has an end - .
Sometimes endings are sad and heartbreaking, drains you of all your energy. It's simply not possible to
fathom any higher meanings or lessons to be taught when your down under.
Some endings are like that.

Then again you have the kind of endings that fills you with joy and laughter.
Endings that are full of promisses, that tickles your stomac and makes your body itch.
Endings that fills you with energy and spirit.
The kind of endings that holds a promisse of sweet beginnings.

Like the ending of winter.

Excuse my foolish heart, it's floating over with springtime - expectations. And excuse me for
leaving so soon, but there's a spring unfolding out there, have to go grab it!

*S*

Sunday 25th of February 2001

I had a dream.....

Lol, sounds serious, doesn't it.... What I mean is, I had a dream last night. One of those dreams that
are so real, so intense it keeps with you for the rest of the day.
The dream was so vivid, so crystal clear, it's like it was real - like it all happened yesterday. So perfect,
and in every detail so much what you wish for. And yet so totally unreal, that you struggle
not to wake up. It put its color and shape on my day and formed it like a lump of wet clay.
It's strange, isn't it, how fantasy can form reality. But who's to say, whats' real and what's not?
Even tho I wont tell you what the dream was about *S* , I ashure you - fantasy sometimes
is preferable to reality :-)

Anyway, what I hope for in my dreams tonight, is, besides a little touch of last nights dream, a

world where smoking is the best thing you could possibly do for your health, and
completely free. This is my 7th day without a cig, and I have to tell you, it's starting to get to me.
I have eaten apples, carrots, biscuits, raisins, nudles, choklate, anything I can get my hands on,
but the craving won't go away. Nothing is fun anymore, nothing is cosy.
No point in going to the pub if you can't smoke, no point in surfing the web if you can't smoke, no point in
having a good meal, or reading a book or having an Irish coffee. There's no point in doing any of
the cosy things I used to do, simply because their not cosy anymore. Nothing is cosy anymore,
and I am seriously considering " quitting my quitting."
What's the point if you can't have any fun anymore? Might as well keep on smoking and
become a relatively young, but goodlooking corpse, is how I see it.

There is, of course this sneaking thought that I have - that if a cig really has so much saying
over my life - if a tiny little cig makes the whole difference, and have the ability to make my life so miserable - (in addition to broke, sick, out of shape, even dead) - I ought to put my villpower into
overdrive and stick it out. Seems I will be so much better off without this addiction.

Won't be easy, tho - and I know I have to take it one sec at the time - the struggle with each passing moment is all I can handle. And all of you around me, you'll have to put up
with my temper. I'm not shure wich one is the worst *S*

Good night to y'all. I have a dream to catch *S*