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Short ones...

The Three Little Pigs

The mind of a six year old is wonderful! Here's a
First Grade true story.....
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Stupid Questions

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means having the power to horrify, does terrific mean having the power to terrify?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

When you have had "one of those days"

Just when you thought you had the worst job in the world, along comes something like this.
During a seminar called “Stress and Disease” by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, he gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.
When you have had one of those “TAKE THIS JOB..........” days, try this...
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this specific brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer. Remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that “every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested”. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, “I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.”

What is...

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place, but have not love, I am a housekeeper - not a homemaker. If I have time for waxing, polishing and decorative achievements, but have not love, my children learn of cleanliness - not godliness.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child’s laugh.
Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.
Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.
Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.
Love is present through the trials.
Love reprimands, reproves and is responsive.
Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, runs with the child, then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection.
Now I glory in the perfection of my child.
As a mother there is much I must teach my child, but the greatest of all is love.

Only In America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do we award someone $3,000,000 for spilling hot coffee in their own lap...
Only in America...do we have labels on baby strollers to remind people to remove the baby before folding up the stroller...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions....
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave all the doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”...
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

Caffeine

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures
it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz
it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal (tm)
for thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez
thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

Grumpy Decisions

The solemn-faced man entered the diner and took the lunch counter stool next to mine. The smiling waiter greeted the new customer and asked if he'd like the daily special.
"What is it?" queried the unsmiling newcomer.
"Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter replied, still smiling.
With the most disgusted expression on his face imaginable, the man growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out of an animal's mouth!!"
"Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you like a menu, then?"
To which the finicky guy responded, "Oh, no -- just give me a fried egg sandwich please.

Reality Expressed

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

The Senior Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Packers Joke

A Vikings fan, a Bears fan and a Packers fan were working on the 20th floor scaffolding of a building. While they were eating lunch the Vikings fan said, "Lutefisk! If I get Lutefisk for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Bears fan opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pizza, again! If I get Pizza one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Packers fan opened his lunch and said, "Bratwurst again. If I get a Bratwurst one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day the Vikings fan opens his lunch box, sees Lutefisk and jumps to his death.
The Bears fan opens his lunch, sees a slice of Pizza and jumps too.
The Packers fan opens his lunch, sees the Bratwurst and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral, the Vikings fan's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Lutefisk I never would have given it to him again!"
The Bears fan's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him pasta, or a hot dog. I didn't realize he hated Pizza so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Packers fan's wife. "Hey, don't look at me." she said.
"He makes his own lunch!!"

Rudolph

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain", he said:
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"

2000 yen

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during the previous week. The lady says "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

Blond?

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large
... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Come On Down

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the
floor in a dead faint. Her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR
ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

Bull droppings

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on...

Finally, after a fortnight, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

All inclusive Folk Lore

A friend of a friend just told me this, so it has to be true.

Apparently, a young man, after recovering from a snake bite while eating at McDonalds, awoke in a bath tub full of ice, feeling very sore. When he got up, he noticed his kidneys had been stolen and saw a note on the mirror that said "Call 911!". On his way to call 911, he realized that his computer had a virus that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

The man was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around and all the computers get together to distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe, under the leadership of Bill Gates, who told me all of this in a mass e-mail last week, which also promised a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000. The poor man then tried to call 911 from a payphone and got jabbed with an HIV infected needle in the coin returnslot before seeing a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Finally, the wretch tried to drive himself to the hospital, saw a motorist with his lights off, flashed his lights at him, then was shot as part of a gang initiation.

Random Thoughts


1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.
2) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation....
3) I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
4) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
7) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
8) I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
9) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
10) Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write "A very good doctor."

The Pig

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.

The pig was killed.

The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked the President.

"Well," the driver replied "the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked the President.

The driver replied:
"I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

emoticons :)

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-(>respectively. Well, how about some "asscons"?
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swish ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

T-SHIRTS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO CRAP


1. I’m busy._ You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning:_ I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you’ll be screaming it later.
4. Of course I don’t look busy...I did it right the first time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I’m multi-talented:_ I can talk and piss you off at the same time
7. Do NOT start with me._ You will NOT win.
8. Don’t piss me off!_ I’m running out of places to hide the bodies
9. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
10. Guys have feelings too._ But like...who cares?
11. I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12. Next mood swing... 6 minutes.
13. I hate everybody and you’re next
14. Please don’t make me kill you.
15. And your point is...?
16. I used to be a schizophrenic, but we’re ok now
17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
18. I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people
19. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
20. Sorry if I looked interested._ I’m not.

THREE NUNS....


Three nuns were talking..the first nun said: "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do with them?", the other nuns asked...

"Well of course I threw them in the trash"

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that...I was putting away Father's laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my", gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?", they asked.

"I poked holes in them!", she said

The third nun fainted.

An everyday prayer

Dear God:

So far today
I've done all right
I haven't gossiped
I haven't lost my temper
I haven't lied or cheated
I haven't been grumpy, greedy, nasty
selfish or overindulgent

I'm very thankful for that

But in a few minutes, God
I'm going to get out of bed;
And from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help

Amen


Value

To realize the value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.


The Lemon Squeezer

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Flying Blind

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and see the pilot walk off the plane wearing his flight sunglasses, and holding the Seeing Eye Dog leash.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

Scuba Diving

Who ever said that scuba diving wasn't dangerous???
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt-out section of the forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with dive tank, flippers, and a face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive ID.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the man went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it.
One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next the was doing the breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air.
Apparently he extinguished exactly 5' 10" of the fire. True story taken from the LA Times.