Short ones about kids...

“The Handwriting on the Wall"

A weary mother returned from the store,
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her eight-year-old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It's on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow.
"Where is your little brother right now?"
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,
She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

She called his full name as she entered his room.
He trembled with fear -- he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.

Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.

Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,
With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall!!!

How to tell whether or not you are ready to have children:

The Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the
wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

The Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.) The Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.

The Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag,
making sure that all arms stay inside.

The Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal (such as Froot Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the
jug, while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents
of the jug on the floor.

The Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your
alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set
alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

The Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
The Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

The Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to
them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawnmower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

The Three Little Pigs

The mind of a six year old is wonderful! Here's a
First Grade true story.....
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

What is...

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place, but have not love, I am a housekeeper - not a homemaker. If I have time for waxing, polishing and decorative achievements, but have not love, my children learn of cleanliness - not godliness.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child’s laugh.
Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.
Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.
Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.
Love is present through the trials.
Love reprimands, reproves and is responsive.
Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, runs with the child, then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection.
Now I glory in the perfection of my child.
As a mother there is much I must teach my child, but the greatest of all is love.

Always remember that kids are more perceptive than one assumes!

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. -Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.-Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8