My relationship with RPGs is like my relationship with Anime. In principle it seems like something I should like, my initial experiences are good, and then I realise I came very close to actually paying for Dragonball Z. OK, it was a $3/week rental, but that's still $3 more than I'd ever want to spend on Dragonball Z. In case you haven't noticed, I hate DBZ, so now that I've communicated that effectively, I'll move on. DBZ is shit.

The thing that turns me off RPGs the most is the pretention inherant in them, as well as their players - that whole "Playing and RPG is just like reading a book!" spiel. It's not. Alright, maybe a really shitty book, but my problem with them is the same problem, so if you want, just replace "RPG" with "Shitty pulp fantasy trash". Point is, reading totally simplistic text for X number of hours does not make you, by definition, a smart person. I used to think this was commonly accepted by all non-retards as an undisputed fact, then I discovered the magical world of BBS's and my conception of humanity went straight to shit.

Now I'm going to sound like Gamefaqs Retard Type #2 (of 3) by telling you that those stories are composed entirely of cliches. That, in itself, is not really a bad thing - the way its handled by the 'gaming community' (if you consider a bunch of self-important 'journalists' and a few million morons who spam Gamefaqs/whatever because someone they've never met said Sephiroth was a better villain than Garland a 'community' and not a 'valid excuse for mass genocide') is stupendously retarded, though, and if this site exists for one reason (it doesn't, but pretend), that's to HIDE BEHIND THE INTERNET and USE MY GEEK COMPUTER MACHINE to make fun of retards who would BEAT ME UP AT OTAKON IN REAL LIFE. While I'm on the subject, Derek Rich is an ugly stupid neanderthal-like mammal, and I challenge him to a duel... of the mind!(note to reader: It is now 4:31am in the morning and I'm playing with the 'whiteboard' function of MSN like I've never seen Paintbrush before. I'd ask you to 'bear with me', but really, don't bother. Go read my review of Bad Dudes, which is pretty much the only thing on this site considered worth reading. By other people. I don't really consider this place anything, but deleting it would take, like, ten minutes, plus I need all the ego-wanking I can get, thankyouverymuch).

Let's get something straight here: All broad generalisations are wrong. Now that's out of the way, RPGs suck. In general. And not even the funny kind of "Bad Street Brawler" suck. At least in a shitty sidescroller, stuff is happening. Yes, I know the knee-jerk reaction to this is "Oh, well, obviously you're an idiot who get impatient when they have to pay attention to written text and plan ahead in battle instead of repeatedly hammering X". This is the most common argument I hear in defense of RPGs, and it's pretty much 100% bullshit. I've played very few RPGs where paying attention to the text is worthwhile at all. The fact so many RPGs are imported by non-japanese speakers is pretty much further proof of that. Aside from the occasional - and I mean 'occasional' with a captial 'twice' - word puzzle, you could skim through almost any RPG. Sure, you'd miss the 'story', but more on that later. Then there's combat. Regardless of the fact it's menu driven, turn based or whatever, the tactics involved usually amount to less than the amount of mental strain involved playing Contra. And that's not to say Contra is a stupid game - far from it. In games like that, you need to be on your toes, thinking one move ahead, finding weak points and analysing enemy attack patterns without the luxury of a 'time out' in between turns. In RPGs, you sit there hammering 'ok' until the enemy dies, or you select a 'potion' if your health gets low. Sometimes you have to use ice against a monster made of fire. Yes, that's another stupid, stupid generalisation, but: #1, it's no more stupid than the assumption RPGs require more brainpower; #2, as somebody who's played a mighty fuckload (2.8 regular fuckloads, if we're to believe Sharkey, and he seems to be world's foremost authority on the word 'Fuck') of RPGs, it's pretty much true; and #3, for every RPG that actually requires thinking ahead in combat (all three), there are games in other genres which are just as, if not more, complex.

But none of this matters, becuase you're reading! And only smart people can read! And sometimes there are plot twists, like the girl is really the only survivor of an ancient civilisation, so the plot is a spiralling maze of deception with memorable, developed characters. Christ. And you just know that the magazines and websites are going to use that exact same phrase to describe it. The whole idea of 'character development' is ignored in basically every RPG, and replaced with "The obligatory sub-quest which examines character's dark hidden past and then resolves everything that's gone wrong in their lives after a dungeon crawl and a few cut-scenes". Say what you want about FF6's cast being underdeveloped, but I'd rather not have gone through 14 sub-quests to learn about every single one of their dark hidden pasts. My love for Umaro would have gone down the shoot if I had to listen the story of when he failed to protect his village and has been blaming himself ever since, which is why he lived in exile, and he threw party members as missiles because he didn't want to be close to anyone. Which is exactly what would have happened if FF6 was released today. It'd also probably have a bunch of subtle-as-a-sledghammer religious symbols and be three times as long.

There is no point to this rant (originally it was posted as a response to someone's equally retarded post, and was met with praise enough for me to consider archiving it, as most of the stuff I do here people think it boring anyway), I don't expect anyone to change because of it, and the chances of it getting me 'cred' are zero (Regardless of how many times I find fault in things, please understand that I am not, and I stress not one of those people who sets out to find fault with something popular in the interests of being oh-so iconoclastic. I can't stand those people. Here is where I would provide a link to the now-defunked badvideogames.com to show you what I mean. You should probably be thankful I didn't; that shit was painful - "I'm Sorry is so bad, I'm sorry I ever played it! ROFLMAO!". First, that's less funny than me, which is pretty much grounds for execution. Second, I'm Sorry is one of the greatest games ever made you little dipshit; just because something is obscure and strange does not make, by definition, bad. Then again, it also doesn't make it good, either). What you've just suffered through, assuming you've gotten this far (and if you have, congratulations, now please get a hobbie), is the sum total of my thoughts after being dumped in the "RPG FAN" box, and having to, by virtue of e-proximity, congregate with other said fans. Honestly, though, I do like RPGs. No, really. If I didn't, I wouldn't have fucking downloaded RPGmaker2000 for the sole purpose of playin unprofessional RPGs (though they have advanges over the mainsteam [note: please kill me for using the word 'mainstream' in reference to video games, or else I'll start saying 'hardcore' or 'Penny Arcade'], namely that they're free and actually run on my computer). Nope, what I do have a problem with is this bloated sense of self importance applied to the whole deal. Brings us back to where we started, with Anime: I know people - well, fuck, everyone knows this sort of person so there's no need to back it up with unproven anecdotal evidense - that believe in that whole "East=Good West=Bad" bullshit; the kind that dictates Ranma 1/2 issue 275: Akane Gets Kidnapped Again is better than Watchmen because it's from Japan. Same deal with RPGs. Sorry, but they're just as braindead as everything else. Yes, they have the potential for a greater level of cinematic...ness and storytelling, but the former is rare and as far as the latter is concerned, 99% of RPG stories aren't worth telling in the first place.

And on that day, Pandora's Bucket unleashed evil upon the world.