ALL ABOUT FURRIES!

It was a typical day on RMD when the following discourse took place:

Slinky: Toadpole, it is your job to post pointless shit that's probably not funny.
Toadpole: I already do that.
Slinky: Do it more often! While they are distracted, I can concentrate on destroying the hated Jews!
Toadpole: Slinky, how could you say such things?
Slinky: I defile underage nuns and eat their offspring with my gaping demon orifices.
Toadpole: Freemasons control the world economy.
Locus: Mr. Toadpole, Robert Z'Dar is on line one. He says it's urgent.

Perhaps that's not entirely what happened, but the message is clear: Jews must die. And by that, I mean it's time to write about Furries.

First off, in case your not aware what a furry is, I have obtained the following definition from a site called "Captain Packrat", a name that just screams quality (or "Don't trust me with your children") if there ever was one.

A 'furry' is an animal with human characteristics, i.e. humanoid shape, and/or intelligence (Also sometimes known as 'anthropomorphs', 'zoomorphs', or just 'morphs').

This all sounds harmless, since who has not laughed at the wacky antics of feisty feline Garfield? Quite a lot of people, actually, but that's beside the point. "Point?" you ask? Yes, there is a point! That point being that, like everything else that finds its way onto the interwebbe, it somehow gets turned into really shitty erotic art. For all the great things the internet has done for society, none of which I can really think of off the top of my head, its always going to be overshadowed by the fact it's allowed people to indulge every possible really really retarded fetish they could think of in the privacy of their squalid, semen-stained basements. And the best part is, since they can indulge it whenever they want, it quickly loses its appeal, and has to get more and more extreme / retarded every time to stop the middle-aged virgin getting bored. So, what began as somethign as innocent as "Women with multiple breasts" will slowly mutate into a Voltron-style collection of other fetishes - multiple breasts would form The Head! and Torso!, while Amputees would form Feet and Legs! and Being Eaten Alive would form Arms! and The Flaming Sword! And, just like Voltron, the more complicated ones made out of 20 or so different fetishes are much, much worse. Fuck it, I may as well rape this tangent for all its worth and say that even the 'simplistic' fetishes become unbearable if they ever get the CGI treatment. Anyway, the important thing is that Volotron fucking rules.

Back on topic, I present you with this evidense: Witness, if you will, and I understand if you won't, somebody who's turned on by the thought of the cast of The Young Ones involved in splendid activities for love (this link worked when I stole it from Ecchi Attack found it). Honestly, I refuse to believe there is a single (sane) person out there who could just look at this shit and tell me, with a straight face, that the world is somehow a better place for having this brand of 'writing' in it. And you can't, can you? Fucking hell I hate the internet.


Anthropomorphic animals of both sexes. Notice that they are enjoying themselves without fucking each other. If more furries would just nurture their love of music, we'd all be much happier. Actually, scratch that; the last thing I need is a witty reinterpretation of 'Closer'.

So, anyways, it was only a matter of time before people started finding anthropomorphic animals erotic. This, I could live with. After all, some people at RMD have a thing for Dark Elves yet don't find Kefka even the slightest bit attractive at all, and I've managed to be there almost two years and hardly ever considered killing myself. But, Christ almighty, there are a fucking lot of people with Furry fetishes. It's disproportinate. It doesn't make sense. It's also really fucking fucktarded. Fuck. Sure, transvestite cripple suitcase tentacle rape is just as stupid, but at least I could avoid that if I didn't explicitly search for it (and I'm not really in a hurry to do that).

I've often pondered (not really, but let's use the magic of make-believe, assuming it hasn't been sucked out through your nose Pharoah-style by whoever it's cool to hate at the moment. Squaresoft, I guess. Or George Lucas) why it is that Furries are a more popular subject for erotica than, say, He-Man, especially since Evil-Lynn was pretty damn hot if you don't mind me saying so (and if you do, too late! I win again!). I then realised the probable truth:

FURRY FETISHES HAVE BEEN SUBLIMINALLY IMPLANTED IN CHILDREN OVER THE COURSE OF MANY DECADES BY A WEREWOLF CONSPIRACY

Sure, it sounds stupid, but, as Criswell reminds us, we once laughed at the horseless carriage!

If we are to believe Captain Opossum (or whatever he was called):

The concept of the "animal-man" has been around for at least 35,000 years! Some of the earliest primitive artwork contains humans with animal heads. Many ancient religions worshiped gods who had or could assume animal form.

Yeah, except you don't see much OMG HOT GANESH TIT FUCKING ACTION around, do you? That's because, in ancient times, anthropomorphic animal Gods were held in respect, and non-deities were hated and ridiculed. The so-called 'myth' of the werewolf is a prime example. People were warned to stay away from them, because they were evil and hideous creatures who passed on their affliction with a bite. Kind of like Vampires, only less popular with pasty-faced doughboy closet-cases who like wearing black because it hides their rapidly growing collection of fat rolls. Outcast from their homes, the werewolves, who are immortal because if they weren't my theory is fucking screwed, not that it had much credibility in the first place, but this is the internet, plotted their revenge against the human race:


"Our kind will once again rule this land! Over time, we shall warp the minds of their young with this 'tele-vision' device, and they shall grow to first accept us, then love us, then... desire us! Kekekekekekeke ^_^" (They probably don't laugh in Kawaii, but I like doing that ^_^ face, so shut up)

And so, their hideous plan for World Domination began. Soon, humanity would become their slave race, as depicted in this early Furry Propaganda poster, cleverly designed to draw children into their ranks:



The first furries introduced to us were Mickey & Minnie mouse. They are both anthropomorphic animals with defined genders, and engaged in a monoga'mouse' (Gawd I'm hilarious. Wait, I'm not.) relationship with each other. There is certainly a sexual undercurrent to this, but as they both looked idenitcal and didn't wear pants, it wasn't explicit enough to earn the program its suggested 'R' rating, and children were brought up considering anthropomorphic animals to be their heroes, or at least sort of entertaining. Walt Disney himself was clearly a werewolf (as well as annoyingly overrated and a Nazi sympathiser), and since his 'death' in whatever year he died (I'm not breaking with tradition and actually researching this), has been instructing the Disney corporation to do anything in its power to stop children being brought up on Anime, as this would destroy his grand plan. He has gone as far as to allow Dragonball Z to become popular, with the hope of turning the entire western world off Anime for their natural lives. Unfortunantly, the opposite has happened, and now every male with a (mental, physical and/or emotional) age of less than 10 is getting into heated debates as to the relative merits of Stage 3 Goku vs. Vegeta (non-SSJ) while heaping praise on Derek.


No fucking. But there's a subtext. He's also stoned. HA HA HA. Because he's usually an innocent, loveably character. And now he's on drugs. IT'S FUNNY. STONER HUMOR RULES! Oh, sorry, I was thinking of Robotech. This is perhaps the least funny thing I've had no direct involvement in.

The next card in the werewolves' deck was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In this, anthrozoomophorastupidfetishoids were the order of the day. The important thing about this series was that the characters had defined sexual characteristics. Granted, they were all male and had no genitals (though a few had suspicious bulges), but damn were they ever ripped, especially Rocksteady & Bebop - rrrrow! See, because I'm making fun of furries, it obviously means I actually want to have sex with them, or at least that's what I've gathered from anti-anti-furry sites. And fat people. But I digress (and do another line of cocaine from the stomach of a moderately priced escort). The series was, of course, targeted at boys and lesbian stereotypes, so it didn't really corrupt any minds on a base level, since the only ogle-worthy female was April, who was human except for that episode where she almost turned into a cat. However, it was clear that there was some level of attraction between her and turtles, and what message do you think this sent out to kids? That's right, "Get your parents to buy lots of damn action figures that all have a gimmick so it's impossible to get something that in any way resembles the characters on TV - they're all see-though or robots or some shit".


My favourite thing about this show is that every single social gathering always seemed to be a costume party, allowing mutants to come and go as they pleased. And I never once questioned it until a few weeks ago.

Fitting in somewhere in the grand werewolf plan was Thundercats. While it possessed no talking animals (Snarfs, being composed entirely of pure unadulterated pain rather than flesh and bone, should not be considered animals, but rather facts or objects), it did feature characters who chose to dress up as cats while saving the world from that guy who looked like the mummy from that movie "The Mummy". While it is merely a footnote to the rest of the Werewolf Conspiracy, it was an important step into accepting fucktarded animal costumes. And I might as well throw in The Sorceress of Greyskull's bird outfit while I'm at it.


Crush me with your god-like calves..

The Werewolves then played their trump card:

Gadget.


WHAT.

Look at her. FOR GOD'S SAKE LOOK AT HER. This is a mouse with tits (Titmouse. hee hee.) in a show aimed at the pre-pubescent market. But not that far from puberty, and therein lies the cunning: As the veiwers were exposed to Gadget after school, in a show that was considered 'safe' for children, she would by default become the target for their slowly rising hormone levels. She had all the things which we associate with attractive females of our own species, yet she was a mouse. These sexually confused pre-teens soon became the first generation of Programmed Furry Slaves, or 'PFS', or 'God stop fucking drawing naked Gadget and help me find cheats for Kabuki Quantum Fighter, that shit is hard when you can't see your life bar and the scrolling is fucked'.


Werewolves triumphant!

Of course, this was not the end. Oh no. To maximize the number of possible PFS's, our screens were flooded with more shapely vixens:



It is only a matter of time before the werewolves awaken from their hidden lair, deep below the centre of Antarctica, and are welcomed with open arms by their programmed slaves. We must be forever vigilant if we are to survive.

I hope this article has been informative. I have chosen to examine the origins of furries rather than simply hurling abuse at them, because the internet has enough hate on it as is. That said, I am going to fucking kill the next person who I see jerking off to a picture of Gadget that somebody's photoshopped nipples onto. The sad thing is, in all likelyhood, I will see this, and a little piece of my soul dies every time I think about it.

teh and

Hurry to the index! There isn't much time!