Since I'm the only member of the Tirumvirite of Jerks not to have revived shitty stories from my childhood, I feel it's my duty to do so. Except I don't have any, or at least any I can remember, except this one where we were forced to write about eggs and I couldn't be bothered so I made up a story about a chess-playing robot egg instead, but I can only remember that one because I couldn't finish it by lunch time and I started crying. Luckily, events like this toughened me up and prepared me for real life, so now I can go outdoors almost every day (note: while this quip seems like one of my usual failed attempts at 'humour', it's actually true).

My first thought was to scour Fanfiction.net and make fun of one of the stories there. Transformers erotica had already been done, Evangelion was too long, and Daikatana didn't exist. Yeah, you heard me, Daikatana Fanfiction doesn't exist. Observe:


(Fucking Civilisation fanfics? And nine of them?)

To put this in perspective, more people have made ASCII art of Derek 'Goku' Rich than have written Daikatana Fanfiction. The fact more people have made ASCII art of Derek 'Goku' Rich than probably bought Daikatana in the first place might have something to do with it, but it's still not fair BECAUSE JOHN ROMERO SPENT A LONG TIME MAKING DAIKATANA AND ANYONE THAT DOESN'T LIKE IT JUST HAS A GRUDGE AND KILLCREEK HAS BREASTS.


There was only one thing to do - A line of crack, which sufficiently inspired me to write my own Daikatana Fanfiction. Sure, I've never played the game, but that didn't stop me from hating BMX XXX or anything associated with Dragonball Z, so why should it stop me writing Fanfiction? I'm not a fan either.

Presenting:

DAIKATANA: THREE COLOURS

Chapter One: Three Colours Brown

It was a typical day in 25th Century Japan, or Neo Tokyo, since all stories set in 25th Century Japan automatically take place in Neo Tokyo. This was in fact Neo Neo Tokyo, since the original Neo Tokyo had been destroyed when Tetsuo merged with the racial memory of space dust and turned into Marlon Brando, but since "Tokyo 3" had already been copyrighted by self-proclaimed deity Hideaki Anno, they just called it Neo Tokyo anyway. Anyhoo, this holds no meaning to the plot, it's just to establish that it's TEH FUTARE, which you should've already picked up when I mentioned it was the 25th century, but people who actually read Fanfics aren't renown for their cognitive abilities. ANYWAY IT'S THE FUTURE.

So, anyway, Hiro Miyamoto was flying around in one of those totally cool flying cars. He wasn't related to Shigeru Miyamoto, but since John Romero doesn't know anything about Japan, he has to steal the names of celebrities, kind of like how the Ninja in 'Ninja: Shadow of Darkness' was called Kurosawa - more depth of character from our friends at Eidos!

Somewhere else, some other Japanese scientists called, um, Oroko Saki and Himarto Yoshi, were working with some sword dealy that sends people back in time or some shit, which would be useful right now since I wish I could travel back in time and tell myself it was a bad idea to write Daikatana Fanfiction.

Then one of the scientists, the evil one, stole the sword and went back in time to stop John Romero ever making Daikatana. The world was so thankful that they gave him money or some shit, this is the plot of a First Person Shooter so it doesn't need to make sense MOVING RIGHT ALONG Hiro had to get the sword from the fortress in Swamp Island. See, that was quick, wasn't it?

Hiro arrived on Swamp Island after a perfectly reasonable 5 hours of loading time, and was immediately confronted with a frog. He shot it, since nobody could be trusted, especially amphibians. Quickly, two frogs took its place. Then four. Then eight. Then about fifty fucking million as well as some retarded mosquitoes.

IS THIS THE END FOR HIRO?

Chapter Two: Three Colours Green


The myst was so thick on Swamp Island that it was impossible to see the hoards of killer frogs as they attacked Hiro en masse. This made it scary and unpredictable and not shitty or annoying or really fucking ugly as "Level 1" viewers would have you believe. The frogs weren't real frogs, though, they were robofrogs, or "Froginators" as John 'fat ugly overrated slob' Romero had named them. The frogs and assorted monsters were really really fucking small as well, which meant they weren't very strong. The bad side of this was that they were fucking impossible to see, and kept sapping Hiro's health by humping his legs, however the fuck that works.


Suddenly, there was a loud chugging sound and....

The teleportation device had crashed, sending him back in time to the start of the story, forcing him to retrace his steps since he forgot to save, which was entirely his fault and nothing to do with the teleportation device being a pile of stinking crap.

Then Hiro noticed a switch, which obviously belonged on Swmap Island and had nothing to do with bad level design on the part of Killcreek, as she is popular based on her level designing skills and not her surgically-augmented cleavage. Unfortunately, he couldn't reach the switch! A cunning trick on the part of the owner of Swamp Island - create switches that nobody could actually press! Hiro puzzled over this puzzle for a puzzling half a second before he just shot the fucking thing. Then there were a bunch of mosquitoes, which were like the frogs, only they were flying and not frogs. But they were robots. Or cyborgs. Or Mosquitonators.


IS THIS THE END FOR HIRO?

Chapter Three: Three Colours Greenish-Brown

Luckily, Hiro was able to overcome the grevious wounds he had suffered by eating really fucking lame Nali Healing Fruit from a Nali Healing Fruit tree. The fruit was a perfect quadrilateral like no fruit known to science, possibly because it was cyberfruit or a fruitinator or a joke that was never really funny in the first place now stretched beyond the bounds of human reason.

Unfortunately, he was surrounded by a billion jillion vampires and the creature from the white lagoon fell on four mummies and FUCK I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE AND NEITHER CAN YOU

An aligatornator ate him. There.


GODDAMN END NOW GOOD

GENRE:	Dissapointment.
GRAPHICS:	Brown.
SOUND:	Probably brown as well.
GAMEPLAY:	Full-on fatal error action!
FROGS:	Oh God yes.
OVERALL:	DAIKATANA LOL!!!

By terrible fucking Fanfiction, no doubt.