LEGEND
OF DRAGOON Vs VANILLA ICE |
I
should have known better. I really, really should have.
You'd think that after Donkey Kong Country, Xenogears and
Vagrant Story, I'd have learned that "Never, ever, ever
trust video game magazines" is one of life's most
important lessons, alongside "Regardless of what
high school movies would have you believe, the unpopular
kid is usually unpopular because they're an obnoxious
wanker who nobody can stand" and "Wearing mass-produced T-Shirts
with 'independant' written on them is stupendously
fucktarded", but then again, I also thought The
Postman "Looked kind of cool" when I first
heard about it, so I maybe I shouldn't be the one handing
out advice here, and you should be reading a better website.
Other people who also shouldn't be handing out advice are video game reviewers, who all wrote a slightly different version of this review (if you exclude the GIA, who recieved so much hate mail it wasn't funny - and if that many people though it was good, it had to be. Oh wait, this is the internet):
This game is like Final Fantasy 7. It is an RPG. You have nifty button combo attacks and can morph into magical suits of armour. 5 stars.
How bad could it be? FF7 was a good game (sort of), RPGs mean I don't have to use strategy or skill, and nifty button combos were cool in FF6. 'Left Right Left Right A' is one of the most important survival skills known to mankind, thought not quite up there with 'Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start", but this is just a stupid tangent I'm going off on because I'd rather remember playing Contra than Legend of Dragoon.
Then the pain starts. Legend of Dragoon is not just bad, it's unpleasant
in a horrible, fingernails-on-the-blackboard way. The battle transitions make it look like the screen is slowly decaying after being embalmed and laid to rest in an Egyptian tomb for five thousand years. There's a noticable pause before the battle animations, which look like they were timed by an amatuer slapstick comedy director. A guy with white hair and a black cloak shows up and actually says "Perfect. Everything is going according to my plan. Ha ha ha ha", which might look amusingly retarded here, but the ponderously slow text speed makes it physically painful to read. Several sections of map are repeated, which was understanable in Metroid, but just annoying here. You also had to physically revisit and trudge through the same bloody 'mini dungeon' parts to get anywhere on the map, which also happened in Metroid, but Metroid was a good game. On the subject of the map, it's totally linear - you walk along a red line that railroads you between locations, and can't move away from the line, ever. I hate this game.
That aside, I usually perservere
with mediocre RPGs anyway, because they require no skills, and the that the fact they're all
pretty much the same gives me a sense of security and lets me operate on auto-pilot. Shut
up. So, I boot it up. Nice intro. Voice acting and people
on dinosaurs. Crystals. Glowing shit. It could be OK.
I could go on, but I'm too tired, and anyway, there was something else
about it. The hype. The slick, yet soulless feel. The
embaressing imitation of its betters. Lavitz's fucking
hair. Yes, Legend of Dragoon is, was, and forever will
be, the RPG equivalent of Vanilla Ice.
Not convinced?
Let the web of rememberence
tell the tale...
AND NONE SHALL DEFY GOLOBULOUS! THIS I oh shit, wrong guy.
LEGEND OF DRAGOON
VANILLA ICE
Sony Computer Entertainment deconstruct the elements that make console RPGs popular, eliminate anything which could be deemed offensive, then recycles the remainder in a cynical attempt to appeal to the mainstream western public.
Nightclub owner Tommy Quon deconstructs the elements that make rap music popular, eliminates anything which could be deemed offensive, then recycles the remainder in a cynical attempt to appeal to the mainstream western public.
Sony choose to leave out the definite article in the game's title to make it sound more Japanese, and thus more credible.
Robert Van Winkle chooses to leave out his real name, and instead uses 'Vanilla Ice' to make himself sound more streetwise, and thus more credible.
Carefully rendered backgrounds are used to draw attention away from sub-par character models.
Carefully constructed backing tracks are used to draw attention away from sub-par vocals.
Production team claims that they weren't influence by Final Fantasy VII.
Vanilla claims he hadn't heard the bass riff from 'Under Pressure' before recording 'Ice Ice Baby'.
Stilted, clumsy dialogue quickly becomes unintentionally hilarious, then starts to grate on your nerves until you end up turning the game off.
Stilted, clumsy lyrics quickly become unintentionally hilarious, then start to grate on your nerves until you end up turning the CD off.
One of PSM's top 50 games of all time (2001).
One of People Magazine's 50 most beautiful people (1991).
Although technically better in all respects to Shadow Madness, it somehow comes across as more pathetic.
Although technically better in all respects to Kriss Kross, he somehow comes across as more pathetic.
Lots of glossy renders of the main characters are printed in magazines, although they don't appear in the game.
Lots of glossy pictures of Vanilla's hair are printed in the booklet of To The Extreme, although you can't hear it on any of the tracks.
Sold a lot of copies, most of which found their way to second hand shops, and currently reside next to copies of Superman 64.
Sold a lot of copies, most of which found their way to second hand shops, and currently reside next to copies of Hanson's Snowed In.
Any errors can be attributed to a lack of research and/or me just imagining shit.
GENRE: "I want an RPG, and I don't want it good, I want it Tuesday" GRAPHICS: A mixtured of murky, indistinct brownish greyish glop and unnaturally shiny trees. Animation redefines 'stilted'. SOUND: The only song I can remember is the 'menu' theme, and only then because it added to the already ridiculous loading time. Fuck I hate this game. GAMEPLAY: You have to do button combos to do any damage, and, if you're off by 1 / 100 of a second, you not only do sweet fuck all damage, but you actually lose HP. It's like Vagrant Story, only it hurts you physically rather than simply making you look stupid in front of all the crates and bats. OMG SONY'S FF7 KILLAH: Even the people who decided FF7 was the WORAST RPG EVAR would have trouble recommending this... thing. OVERALL: Legend of Dragoon is to gaming as I amCarrot Top is to humor.
