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Last Updated on 1 Nov 2001


The Rules of XXX Stories

By Deathbunny


Here are some ways that literary license differs from real life...

The rules:

  1. If a character's age is given, the main character will have sex with them.
  2. If a woman's cup size is mentioned, the main character will have sex with her.
  3. If an animal is mentioned, either it will be ridden or someone will have sex with it.
  4. All women over 35 have barely noticeable sagging breasts.
  5. Women over 50 have the body of a woman 20 years younger.
  6. All lesbian couples are made up of a blond and a brunette.
  7. All women are latent bisexuals.
  8. All men's wives cheat with black men, better-hung men, their bosses, or any combination thereof.
  9. All aunts are hot for their teenage nephews and his friend, and vice versa.
  10. All uncles desire their teenage nieces.
  11. If a stepfather is mentioned, he sleeps with his stepdaughter.
  12. No man, except a cuckold or a pedophile, will have a penis shorter than 7” long.
  13. All women do anal.
  14. All women will like the taste of at least the main male character's semen.
  15. The “plot” will follow this pattern:
    1. Oral sex.
    2. Vaginal sex.
    3. Anal sex or group sex.
  16. All related same-sex siblings will usually have their names start with the same letter.
  17. If a pool is mentioned, someone will have sex in it.
  18. If a shower is mentioned, someone will have sex in it.
  19. Anyone entering an attic will find old porn stashed in it.
  20. All women keep their pubic hair either shaved bare or with a neat strip, except women over 35.
  21. All mirrors mentioned must be either 2-way mirrors or on the ceiling or both.
  22. If a maid is mentioned, someone will have sex with her.
  23. All men can go 2 or 3 bouts before feeling totally worn out.
  24. If a nun is mentioned, she's a virgin and won't be for long.
  25. No character's name is hard to mispronounce.
  26. Condom? What's that?
  27. In a one parent family with opposite sex child, if either has a disabling injury, they wind up sleeping together.


(Similar, found on the 'Net:)

What we have learned from porn:

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women make noise..
11. People in the 70's couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. (my fav)
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other and the girl isn't disgusted.
16. Double penetration makes a woman smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend doesn't knock the shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches....or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

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Last Updated on 1 Nov 2001