Lunch

A little Snipit

by The Chancellor Amethyst

- (Roger) "Can I go to lunch?" (Brian) "No, you can't." -The Queen GVH2 Commercial

AN: Just a little snipit inspired by the new commercial. If you're a Queen fan living under a rock, and haven't seen it yet, you can view it here: Queen Commercial. If it doesn't work: sue me. Well, seems it doesn't work. You can now get it from here: Commercial.

"Would you keep it down?"

"Don't you tell me to keep it down, you sound like a pregnant elephant."

"I do not!"

"Look, Roger, if anyone hears us this isn't going to work."

"This isn't going to work anyway. What do we do? Go in there and say 'we're Queen, hand over your store?'"

"No, you idiot. We use our best weapon!"

"Your overpowering arrogance?"

"The element of surprise! And we're Queen."

Roger rolled his eyes. "In other words, your overpowering arrogance."

"Shut up and crack the door. We only have until sunrise."

"The correct term is jack, Brian."

"Whatever."

Two minutes with an electric lock pic later, Roger opened the handle just slightly. "There."

"Well go on, what are we waiting for, then?" And with that, Brian pushed past Roger.

"Brian, wait!"

The alarm began to scream.

Roger shook his head, leaning against the wall. Brian jumped at the noise and screeched, running out of the store as though something had bitten him.

"What do we do? What do we do?"

Roger sighed. "Calm down. Go back behind the van and don't make a sound. I'll handle this."

With Brian safely out of the way, Roger calmly entered the store and clipped the wires that kept the alarm going, using his new knowledge from having read "Breaking and Entering" for Dummies. Thinking fast, he left and put on his shades and ran to his car. He hid the lock pick and waited for the police to arrive.

After listening to fifteen minutes of Duran Duran's greatest hits (it was the only tape in the car) the police made their grand entrance. As per plan B-- to be executed on the inevitable factor of Brian screwing up, Roger drove his car right up next to the police car.

"Hello, thank godness you've gotten here!" he said, exiting in a rush and feining apprehension. "I got a call from the alarm company... has anything been stolen?"

The police prattled on, which Roger took no notice of. He prayed that Brian didn't do anything. As the questions got more pressing and harder to bullshit, Roger took off his glasses.

"So, you don't remember the name of your insurance broker, that's quite odd Mr. Taylor... maybe if you could show--"

"Hey, aren't you that guy?"

"Yeah! You're that guy from Queen!"

"Could you sign this?"

"My wife really likes you guys, especially that one song..."

And they prattled on again, forgetting why they'd came and deciding that Roger's signature on the report was worth more as a souveiner than a tool to fight crime. They left, leaving Roger breathing a sigh of relief.

"You were brilliant, Roger! Magnificent! See, I told you we could do this on our merits being Queen alone." Brian entered the store. "Now, this is a piece of cake. Start unloading the truck, would you?"

Harumphing, Roger did as bade.

Roger brought in what had to be the tenth box and again silently started the chore of emptying all the crap records and such into an empty box and replacing them with the grand high Greatest VIdeo Hits 2. The sun had come up, but they still had two hours before the store opened. Roger looked over to Brian.

"Aren't you going to do anything?"

Brian looked up from filing his nails. "I am doing something. I'm filing my nails."

"Something useful."

"It is useful. Without my nails properly trimed, filed and manicured I can't play guitar."

Roger narrowed his eyes. "Get off your ass and do something, Brian."

"But Roger, you're doing so well! I'd hate to interrupt your progress."

Roger shot laser beams of hate, which had no effect due to Brian's mirror of naiveté and command. Again, Roger returned to work.

Roger put down the box and, instead of continuing his chore, walked over to the counter where Brian sipped a latte.

"Could have a breakfast break?"

"No."

"But I'm hungry."

"But you're doing so well. Eating would only slow you down."

Roger pouted. "Could I have a sip of your latte?"

"You don't like coffee."

"I know. I'm hungry."

Brian rolled his eyes. "Fine. But only a sip."

Roger accepted the hot glass with glee, drinking a little bit. "Coffee's not bad when I'm hungry."

"That's wonderful. Now get back to work. One hour till open!"

Half an hour passed and Brian and Roger heard the scuffing marks of shoes from the back of the store. Thus began: Operation Bondage.

Brian stood by, doing something constructive as he held the silk rope for Roger. Roger himself stood on the other side of the door, rag and miscellanous sleeping chemical in hand. Having a biology degree, after all, had its uses.

"Did you see the news--" Roger sprang, pulling the teenager back and put him gently to the ground.

"Very good, Roger! That was fab."

Roger looked at Brian, silencing him. The two Queenies looked into the back room, where the other worker stood silently.

"Ha!" Brian began again. "Did you see that? Oh, you'll be sorry if you ever cross us again!"

Both Roger and the worker looked confusedly at Brian.

"Just shut up, Brian." Roger turned to the miscellanous employee. "Look, you've got two choices. You can do what we say or I'll put you under and you can join your friend in counting sheep. What do you say?"

Brian clapped. "Ooh, this is just like a movie!"

Roger rolled his eyes. The guy just stood there. "Have it your way then." Roger snapped forward, drugging the teenager.

"Help me get his uniform off, Brian. Then take off your own shirt."

Brian looked puzzled.

Roger's eyes narrowed for the countless time that morning. "We'll look more official wearing the uniforms, Brian. I wasn't asking you to have sex with him."

"Oh! Makes sense, I suppose. Pity, though, he's kind of cute."

Roger's eyebrows lifted, but he said nothing.

"Ooh! A perfect fit! Who'd have thought?" Brian praised his crimson uniform shirt. "I'm not sure if the colour is me, though."

"Why?" Roger asked, stapling posters to the wall and taking all the pop pinups down. "Because it's not hot pink?"

"At least that would be brighter."

Roger shook his head. "Bleach it a few times," he quipped under his breath.

"Erm, Roger?" Brian asked.

"Yeah?"

"How do you work this?"

Roger walked over to the counter, annoyed and whipped. "What?"

"This. This is the player, right?"

"Yeah, it's a DVD player."

"Well, how do you work it?"

"Have you even seen the DVD?"

"Of course I have! But I want it to play on the store's telies, but I can't figure out it works."

"If you've never used one, how did you even see the DVD?"

"Roger, I had someone else do it for me! Much more convienent."

Roger wordlessly took the DVD out of its case and placed it on the tray and set it to play. A few seconds later Queen's logo flashed on the store's televisions.

"Ooh! Perfect!" Brian started to watch the videos. "Back to work."

"Ungrateful bitch," Roger muttered under his breath.

"Roger, what are you doing?"

"Exactly what you said; and exactly what you're too lazy to do." Roger replied.

"Yes, but that doesn't look like Queen's Greatest Video Hits 2 to me."

"It's our albums. And Greatest Video Hits 1," Roger replied, holding up the media in question.

"They aren't Greatest Video Hits 2," Brian said with a stern tone.

Roger's arms dropped with iritation. "Well, what if people like Queen but want something else?"

"Roger! Do you understand what you're saying? When people see Greatest Video Hits 2, they won't want anything else."

"What about our albums?"

"Obsolete."

"You know how I feel about our music videos meaning more than our music."

"Well, that's a pity Roger. Nothing is more important than Greatest Video Hits 2. We don't need to sell anything else because that's all people will want to buy!"

"And what about the people who already own Greatest Video Hits 2?"

"They'll already have everything else. We're Queen."

Roger sighed in defeat. It wasn't worth it. He slipped the other miscellanous albums back in their box.

"There, there Jazz; there. there, A Night at the Opera. I still love you." He kissed Queen I, with a lingering kiss. "I'll miss you and you'll be safe with all your album friends. I'll take you home and love you and find someone--"

"Roger! Please refrain from kissing the obsolete albums. Kissing the DVD is permissible if it is a loving kiss, and not the Judas kiss of betrayal."

Roger grumbled. "Stupid tight arse."

Customers bustled in and out, each one more and more aggravated at the obscene lack of top 40 on the store's shelves. A few school girls came in and giggled at the pictures of the four aging Queens in drag plastered as wall paper all over the store.

And then, there were them.

"Hi, do you work here? I was just wondering if you've got anything besides-- Oh my god! You're Roger Taylor! Wow! I, like, love you guys so much! Could you sign my Queen DVD?"

Roger frowned. "Don't know where you'd find one of those around here."

"You are like, so funny! Wow."

Roger signed the DVD for her, mainly to get her to shut her trap.

And there were those ones...

"Hey, you're Roger Taylor."

"Actually, my name is William Bong."

"You know, you look better as a woman," the younger man, obvisously looking for trouble, said. And he'd found it.

"A fag like you would say that."

"Wanna go?"

"All right then," Roger said, putting down his price tag sticker roll.

"Roger!" came Brian's voice sharply. "How dare you fight with our valued customers. Now you get back to work and be nice to the people."

Roger acquised. "Yes, Brian."

"Heh, heh," the man continued. "A fag like me, huh?"

Roger's glare upgraded to a glower.

"Heh, heh. The drummer from Queen."

Roger silently killed the bastard, over and over... in his mind.

Roger approached the counter where Brian was sampling celery in different dips.

"Can I go for breakfast?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not breakfast time, Roger."

Roger pouted. "Can I have a piece of your celery?"

Brian thought about it. "All right. In fact, you've done such a good job, I'll give you three."

Roger smiled, gleefully accepting the precious green stalks.

"And it's better for you too, better than all that fatty meat you like."

"Mmm..." Roger started. "Celery...."

Roger finished two of his celeries and then looked at Brian, holding his last stalk. "Can I dip my celery in one of your dips?"

Brian paused. "All right. But eat that one. I don't like it. I think they snuck meat in it. Bastards. After I distinctly told them that I"m a vegetarian, I mean, don't they have any moral standards? Why, if I could--"

But Roger didn't listen. He scooped up a glop of the suspect meaty sauce. Mmm... sweet hidden biodegradable forbidden meat products.

"Take the whole damn thing. And another celery."

Roger smiled, accepting the vegetable.

Roger slowly approached the counter.

"What is it now?" Brian put down the Game Boy he'd swiped from his son. "I don't have any more celery, honestly, is food all you think about?"

"Maybe we should move them," Roger indicated the former employees they'd tied up. "I mean, people can kinda see them there and our band has enough of an alternate sexuality rep already."

"Are you questioning my judgement? Are you questioning Operation Bondage?"

Roger lowered his head. "No, Brian."

"Good. Now get back to work."

Sticker, stick, roll, snip. Sticker, stick, roll, snip. Monotonous. Roger hated this. Why couldn't Brian help with putting some prices on things? Glower. Ah, well. Couldn't they at least put a sign on the door saying how much the DVD was?

A customer approached.

"Excuse me?"

"Yep?" Brian replied.

"Do you have anything on sale besides Queen's Greatest Video Hits 2?"

"No."

Roger came out with a stack of DVDs. Sticker, stick.

"Why not?"

"Because it's the only DVD worth buying. It has--"

Stupid Brian, Roger thought. Sticker, stick.

"Well, what if you don't like Queen?"

Silence.

"Nah," the Queenies chorused. Sticker, stick, roll, snip.

They watched the man walk away. Demure and pathetic, Roger asked his burning question. "Could I go for lunch?"

"No, you can't."

"It's the Only DVD Worth Buying!"