THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO FATTY

Now the earth was formless and empty. Darkness was over the surface of the deep and the spirit of God was hovering on the waters. And God said 'Let there be light'. God saw that the light was good and he seperated the light from the darkness. God called the light day and the darkness he called night.

And God created men and women and said unto them 'i have given you the day, so that you may go to work and to school and be productive apon the earth that I have given unto you.'

And the men and the women did praise the lord and gave thanks. And the men and the women did say unto the lord 'What shall we do with the night?'

And God did look sheepish and said unto his children 'Oh fuck, I never thought of that.' So God did say unto his children 'Go forth and multiply.'

And although they they got the jist of what God was saying they looked for clarification on the matter.

And there was great joy in heaven and earth and God did get through a vast amount of Kleenex watching the men and women in such happiness.

And lo it came to pass that whilst many men and women were going like lavvy doors in a force ten gale, thgere were many who were not getting so much as a fucking sniff, for they were sexually unattractive.

And the sexually unattractive men did say unto God 'O Lordy lordy, we are not getting so much as a fucking sniff and our balls are like tins of Fussel's milk. What are we to do with our nights?'

And the sexually unnatractive women did say unto God 'Oh Lordy lordy, we are not getting so much as a sniff and our twats have healed. What are we to do with our nights?'

And God did say unto his sexually unattractive children 'I shall give unto you a gift far greater then any menage trois, golden shower or soapy tit wank.' for God is great in the art of lying.

And the sexually unnatractive did give thanks to the lord for unto them was given the ability to download hardcore Dutch pornography.

And unto them was given the ability to download humourous short films of primates picking their arses and fainting when they smelled their fingers.

And unto them was given the ability to gather together in virtual communities so that they may discuss matters of importance to the sexually unattractive.

And so it came to pass that in the land of Queen there was great happiness. Even though the King of Queen had been struck down by a terrible plague the followers were not sad and the thought that God might be a bit of a vindictive cunt never crossed their minds. Oh deary me no.

And the followers of Queen were content to gather together and discuss their favourite Queen song. And their favourite Queen album. And their favourite fucking Queen video. And their fucking favourite fucking Queen fucking book. An their fucking cunting favourite wanking fucking Queen fucking cunting wanking shitting bastarding hairstyle.

And so it came to pass that in the year of our lord nineteen hundred and ninteynine, one man did what no man should have done. James of the Beach that is called Jim did say'I shall release a new Queen album.'

And the Followers of Queen did rejoice and did say unto James of the Beach that is called Jim 'What shall this album be?'

'It shall be a collection of Queen's greatest hits, but it shall not be known as Queen's Greatest Hits for such an album already there is. Nor shall it be called Queen's Greatest Hits 2 for such an album also exists.'

And the Followers of Queen did ask of James of the Beach that is called Jim what he was talking about as his answers did vex them so.

And with outstretched arms and a face full of smugness he did say unto the followers of Queen 'It shall be known as Queen's Greatest Hits 3.'

And the Followers of Queen did look at James of the Beach that is called Jim with great disbelief and did say unto James of the Beach that is called Jim ' You're pulling our fucking plungers art thou not?'

And the Followers of Queen did say unto James of the Beach that is called Jim 'How can this be another collection of greatest hits when there art no hits, great or otherwise to be had.

And James of the Beach that is called Jim said unto the followers of Queen 'Put thine trust in me. Before the cock crows three times I shall let it be known at the temple of Jacky the track listing for this glorious album.

And the Followers of Queen did put their trust in James of the Beach that is called Jim and did gather at the temple of Jacky for the herald to announce the listing of the glorious new album.

And about three fucking weeks later it eventually came to pass that at the temple of Jacky the track listing for the glorious new album was announced.

And the Followers of Queen did look apon the track listing and they knew it was shite.

And James of the Beach that is called Jim did look worried and did speak unto himself 'Fuck!...I knew they wouldn't wear it.'

And throughout the kingdom of Queen there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

And then on the day after the track listing had been announced, Jacky the high priestess of the temple did say unto the followers of Queen 'Yay the album may be shite, but it is by Queen which maketh it good. For is it not written that whosoever buyeth the shite albums shall be rewarded with a box set..........eventually.'

And with her words the followers of Queen did flock in droves to buy this album which was shite but was good.

And James of the Beach that is called Jim did rub his hands together and buy a new car.

And Jacky did rub her hands together and clothe herself with the fur of the mink.

And in the lands of the north lived a simple man known as Gordon of the Burstingfoam. And with coin in hand did set off for market to purchase the album which was shite but was good.

And it was on the road to market that Gordon of the Burstingfoam did witness a blinding flash and the scales did fall from his eyes and at last all was clear unto him.

And Gordon of the Burstingfoam did go to the temple of Jacky and did say 'Lo this album which is shite but good is not good but is shite.

And as Gordon of the Burstingfoam did speak, so too did Fatty whose arse is of lard. And so too did Haole who was known as Holly. And all three did say in one voice that the album which was shite but was good was not good but was shite.

And the Followers of Queen who had gathered in the temple of Jacky did turn on Gordon of the Burstingfoam. And did turn on Fatty whose arse was of lard. And did turn on Haole who was known as Holly. And the followers of Queen did say unto the three unwise men 'How can thee call thineselves Queen fans?'

And Gordon of the burstingfoam did step forward and say unto the followers of Queen 'Thou art fucking Stepford fans.'

And Gordon of the Burstingfoam did say unto the followers of Queen 'Whoever buyeth the works of Queen with the knowledge that the work is shite shall forever be known as a Stepford fan.

And the Stepford fans did wail and did tear their clothes and did gnash their teeth and did say Gordon of the Burstingfoam is a heretic and must be banished from the temple of Jacky.

And Haole who was known as Holly did take the words of the Stepford fans and did take them apart that he may contradict each sentence.

And the Stepford fans did wail and did tear their clothes and did gnash their teeth and did say Haole who was known as Holly is a heretic and must be banished from the temple of Jacky.

And Fatty whose arse is of the lard did make sick and distasteful jokes at the expense of Freddie Mercury.

And the Stepford fans did wail and did tear their clothes and did gnash their teeth and did say Fatty whose arse is of lard is a heretic and must be banished from the temple of Jacky.... Come to think of it, a hefty kick in the bollocks wouldn't go amiss either.

And so for the next foty days and forty nights a bloody war was waged between the Stepford fans and the Heretics. Blood was splilled, families were torn apart and at one point someone called Freddie Van Ter Beek a clog wearing prick.

And God did appear to Jacky and said unto her Fear not, for at midnight on the 31st of December in the year of me nineteen hundred and ninetynine, I will send a plague and smite those who have desicrated your temple. And the plague shall be called the bug of the millenium. And Jacky said unto the Lord 'But I have prepared for such a plague and all the computers are Y2K compliant.

And God did wink at Jacky and poke her in the ribs with his mighty elbow and did say 'Yes but it art a fucking good excuse for shutting down the bulletin board...eh?

And God did appear to a left handed guitarist who had been a Follower of Queen and did say unto him 'Build an ark.'

And God did say 'Gather together two of every kind of Queen follower and give them shelter in the ark.'

And so the left handed guitarist did build the mighty ark and did call it Queenrocker. And as God had instructed him he gathered two of every type of Queen follower he could find.

There were two knowledgable followers, The Opposition and the Guru who Penetrates.

There were two Americain followers, Brandon who was called Big Bam and Stone Cold Crazy who was clinicaly insane.

There were two followers who enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh, Marshmallow and Ginga who was a Babe.

And there were two cunts Haole who was called Holly and Fatty whose arse was of lard.

And the good ark Queenrocker did sail the seven seas of Rhye for more than a year. And the occupents were happy as they were given leave to use foul language and make fun of the disabled and feeble minded.

And apon the seven seas of Rhye the good ark Queenrocker would often run into the SS QFC, a massive vessel filled with the most servile crew who laboured under their power mad Ops.

And the crew of The ark Queenrocker would board the SS QFC from time to time and they did mock the values and beliefs of the SS QFC and did take prisoners back to the ark Queenrocker where they were forced to swear and make distasteful jokes at the expense of others.

And so it came to pass that the ark Queenrocker did spy dry land one day and did send scouting missions to the island.

And scouts did return from the island and did speak of a zone that was devoted to Queen and did call it Queenzone.

And God did see what was coming and did send a mighty storm which pounded the ark Queenrocker and did blow it verily off course.

And the crew of the ark Queerocker were cast into the seven seas of Rhye and did have to swim for the shores of Queenzone.

And it came to pass that the survivors of the ark Queenrocker did step ashore on Queenzone in personal thread bay and did look around them and admire their surroundings.

And the survivors did then make themselves known to the natives of Queenzone and did shake their hands and did break bread with them for they were friendly and good.

And Haole who was Holly did make himself known to a holy man named Peiter for they knew each other and had once worshipped together at the Temple of Jacky.

And their was much bad blood between Peiter the holy man and Haole who was Holly, For Pieter had spoken to Haole who was Holly over many theological topics. And Haole had called him a prick.

And those who did know Haole who was Holly saw that he was not with them and did enquire as to where he was.

And it was made to known to them that Pieter the Holy man had banished Haole who was Holly to the seas.

And Fatty did ask of Pieter why his friend had been cast away and Pieter would not say.

And others did ask of Pieter why their friend had been cast away and Pieter would not say.

And then everyone asked of Pieter why this cunt had been cast away and Pieter would not say.

And it came to pass that Good King Richard of the Orchards who ruled over Queenzone justly did proclaim that Haole who was Holly may return to the shores of his kingdom and live in peace.

And Haole who was Holly did turn around and said unto Queenzone 'Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Na Na' and gaveth them the fingers.

And the people who had come to Queenzone did make huts and dwellings and did stay at Queenzone and did flourish.

And Fatty whose arse is of the lard did square up to a soldier who had fought in the holy wars of the Gulf whose name was Fun-It. And there was much boasting and a line was drawn on a wall and Fun-It and Fatty whos arse is of the lard did have pissing contests. And Marshmallow did make men happy and have dreams which made much mess.

And far across the sea there was a scarlett woman, a painted jezebel who was familiar with many mens beds. And to her a son was born and she did name her son Ted.

And Ted did grow up to be an abomination on God's good earth. And God saw Ted and did say unto himself 'Woah! fuck me, I must have been ripped to my tits when I made that.'

And Ted did struggle throughout his life and did have many shades of shit kicked from him.

And when Ted was in his eleventh year he was cast from the gates of the school with a headmasters shoe up his arse.

And when Ted was in his eighteenth year he did begin to work in a shop and Ted knew it was good and he did run the shop well.

And it came to pass that those of dark skin and hats of coloured wool did visit the shop of Ted and did take things from the shop of Ted and neglect to pay for them.

And Ted knew this was bad for Ted would have to pay for the stolen goods from his own wages and Ted was not paid well.

And for many months did those of dark skin and hats of coloured wool visit the shop of Ted. And there they would play the songs of Queen apon their mighty transistor radios and this did vex Ted sorely.

And like the straw that broke the camel's back Ted could stand no more and he did smite those of the dark skinn and hats of coloured wool.

And he did set sail for the shores of Queenzone and did spout shite to all would listen. For is it not written that it is a fucking cop out?

And Ted did not reserve his wrath for those of the dark skin and hats of coloured wool.

Ted did smite the men who lay together with his cruel words and smelly coffee and did make tham fear for their saftey and Ted knew it was good.

And the people of Queenzone grew weary of Ted and his smelly coffee and did call apon Good King Richard of the Orchards to banish Ted.

And Good King Richard of the Orchards did charge a brave knight with a holy task and the Knight was known as Chad of the large Hanging.

And Chad of the large Hanging was a good and true Knight and did smite Ted with his short and staraight to the point posts.

And Chad of the large Hanging did wear clothes of pink and his wrist was limp and he spake with a lisp and did drop anchor in Poo Bay. And all did rejoice and did carry Chad of the Large Hanging apon their shoulders and all of Queenzone was happy.

And Chad was happy, for he was ridding God's earth of those who did ridicule and mock those men who rode the other bus and Chad knew it was good.

And he would rain down with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempted to belittle his quest.

And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and in the end Chad of the large Hanging did go completely and utterly fucking tonto and did disappear.

And Chad of the large Hanging did say unto himself 'I do not half go on a bit do I not?'

And God spake unto Chad of the large Hanging and did say 'Take up thy bed and mince across the desert for forty days and for forty nights and stay in the desert until thy hath learned that not all my flock are as elightened as thee and me.

And God did say 'Come back thee not until thy hath learned to shrug off the comments of those who like to windeth thee up.'

And Chad did take up thy bed and three stout men did fall upon the dusty ground where they lay.

And Chad did walk into the desert to contemplate and be at one with his ever crumbling mind.

And for many months the people of Queenzone did stand around with faces that were long and did write things that were neither wise nor were they interesting.

And God for reasons known only to himself did put apon the shores of Queenzone a young man.

And God said unto Jake 'Go thee among the people of Queenzone and make thy self as irritating as the biting insects.

And delude thyself in the belief that thy art a musician as fine as there art to be found apon my earth.

And God saw that it was good for Jake was indeed deluded and thought himself a fine minstrel.

And God said unto Jake 'Take thy irritating, deluded, butt ugly self into the land of Queenzone and give those who art bored someone to laugh at.'

And they did hark back to the good old days of Ted and did give thanks to God for Jake and the gift of laughter.

For God did have no heroes. Nor did he have Idols, Nor did he have anyone to look up to.

And all was well in Queenzone for a while. The good lord Flashman did many vigins de-flower. And the beasts that God put apon the earth in threes and in fours were hunted for their skin with which Lord Flashman did clothe his many many wives.

And all of Queenzone did rejoice for unto them had returned Holly that was called Haole.

And Holly that is called Haole did speak unto those that had gathered and did say.

I have returned to thee for I have been gone these past years in search of myself.

I searched for myself across God's good earth and did return home to find myself on top of my wardrobe beside my dirty books and videos.

And those that had gathered did give praise to God almighty, for Holly that is called Haole has returned.

And Holly that is called Haole did say unto those gathered, call me not Holly that is called Haole, for it is a name I no longer abide with. Thou shalt now call me Holly that was called Haole but changed it back to Holly and added 2003.

And the gathered did give praise to the Lord for the return of Holly that was called Haole but changed it back to Holly and added 2003. Yet Holly that was called Haole but changed it back to Holly and added 2003 did notice one of the gathered who was not smiling, nor was he rejoicing, nor was he giving thanks to the Lord for the return of Holly that was called Haole but changed it back to Holly.

And Holly that was called Haole but changed it back to Holly and added 2003 did speak unto fatty and did say.

And fatty did speak unto Holly that was called Haole but changed it back to Holly and added 2003 and did say I art chuffed to fucking bits to see thee again but it's a bit of a cunt typing your name out and mine fingers are fucking sore.

And Holly that was called Haole but changed it back to Holly and added 2003 did say unto fatty, never mind I shall take thee for a pint.

And Holly that was called Haole but changed it back to Holly and added 2003 did take fatty and those others that had gathered for a pint.

And uopn reaching an inn whereby they could partake of refreshments they were met at the door by a stout Roman who spake unto them.

And he did say thou shalt not pass for there art a maximum occupancy of 200 people in this inn.

And one of the multitude did look through the window of the inn and did only see one person.

And those that had gathered did enquire of the stout Roman why they were not to pass for clearly there was but one other person in the inn.

And the stout Roman did point them in the direction of the guest book and they did read out many names.

And those that had gathered and now had a great thirst did read many other names from the guest book and it did appear that the inn was full.

Yet when they did look through the window of the inn it was clear that there was but one person inside.

And that person did sit alone wearing robes of green that did not belong on a male child.

And the gathered did begin to disperse for they did know that the stout Roman was only doing his job and would not allow them to pass.

And he did shout "thou art a filthy homo faggot who sucks upon the staffs of other men and does love the fruit of mens loins up thine bum.

And all of Queenzone did wince at these words for it was against all that Chad of the Large Hanging had taught them.

And Jake that was called Bolensdriver that was called Scandal that was called Chris Bingo and countless other fucking things did appear in the doorway of the inn and appear to be normal for a short time.

And many were taken in and fooled by Jake that is call..........Fuck it, lets just call him the cunt.

Many were taken in by the cunt and did think unto themselves that the cunt had changed.