The Queen Studies Exam

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Time alloted for exam 1 hour. Please attempt all questions. Should you require extra paper, you are taking it too seriously.

1. How much money did Jer Bulsara pay to a Zanzibarian photographer to ensure her ugly child came first in a beautiful baby competition?

2. When Freddie was at Eton, he shared a dorm with ex-Prime Minister, John Major. What was Freddie's nickname for Major? For extra credit, in what year was the reason for the nickname legalised?

3. By 1975, Freddie's teeth and chest hair accounted for more than 50% of his body weight. What was the ratio in 1987?

4. Name three of the items Freddie would stuff down the front of his trousers to give the impression he was hung like a shire horse.

5. In 1982, Freddie attacked Art Garfunkel with a bread stick in a Soho nightclub. To the nearst centimetre, how much of the breadstick did Art's proctologist retreive?

6. Freddie originally wrote the song 'Keep Passing The Open Windows' for the motion picture 'Hotel New Hampshire' starring Robert Downey Jnr. How many of the rooms at the Hotel New Hampshire have en-suite facilities?

7. When Queen played the Sidney Opera House on the Works Tour they had to pay for a hole to be drilled in the ceiling to accomidate their huge lighting rig. Freddie subsequently got Paul MaCartney to pay for the same hole when he played the same venue a few nights later. Name three other artists that Freddie sold his hole to.

8. According to Rick Sky's biography of Freddie (The Show Must Go On) Rick believes himself to be a close friend of the late singer. Who the fuck is he trying to kid?

9. What happened to Freddie's ashes:
A. They were taken back to Zanzibar by Freddie's parents.
B. They were scattered under a cherry tree at Garden Lodge.
c. Mary used them to grit the path after an icy spell in 1992.

10. To the nearst centimeter, what was the leangth of Jim Hutton's face after the reading of Freddie's last will and testament?

1. How many ears does Roger have? (this one should be easy)

2. Why does Roger wear sunglasses indoors?
A. They are prescription sunglasses.
B. He has an allergy to artificial light.
C. He's a ponce.

3. Name the low budget porn flick that Roger starred in in 1972.

4. Who would win in a fight between Roger Taylor and Lemme from Motorhead?

5. In 1987, Roger obtained a high court injunction against the Sun Newspaper, forbidding them from publishing photographs of him leaving a London nightclub with an unidentified woman. Who was the woman and for extra credit which school did she attend?

6. Roger upset his neighbours by erecting gates to the driveway of his Surrey masion without planning permission. What did he do to make amends:
A. He removed the gates.
B. He apologised and invited his neighbours to a party at his home.
C. He sent each and every one of them a turd in the post.

7. Roger caused further uproar in the philatic world when he appeared in the background of a stamp commemorating Freddie Mercury. It transpired that the reigning monarch is the only living person allowed to appear on a stamp and philatilists around the world called for the offending stamp to be withdrawn. How fucking petty can these sad cunts get?

8. In 2001 a private home movie of Roger in the shower turned up on eBay. Which of the following best describes Roger's genetalia:
A. Like a baby's arm holding an apple.
B. Average with a slight bend to the left.
C. Like a baby carrot and two petit pois.

9. (MEN ONLY) In the video for 'I Want To Break Free' Roger dresses up as a disturbingly convincing schoolgirl. Be honest, would you give him/her one? A simple yes or no will suffice.

10. (WOMEN ONLY) In the video for 'I Want To Break Free' Roger dresses up as a disturbingly convincing schoolgirl. Be honest, would you give him/her one and does this mean you may have lesbian tendecies? Discuss at great leangth with the aid of photographs if possible.

1. Name the rare medical condition that John suffers from causing the hair on his head to be of pubic consistency.

2. According to the testimony of the late John Entwhistle of The Who in 'Magic Years Vol 1' John Deacon should have used a heavier bass. Has the explanation for this private joke ever been revealed and if so what was the cardially challenged philanderer going on about?

3. John has a Bsc in electronics and had he not chosen a career in showbusiness could have easily become a qualified spark. How much would it cost to have him fit a shower in a second floor bathroom with quarter inch pipe pressure?

4. In the days before Gary Glitter, Jonathan King and Michael Jackson, it was perfectly acceptable for those in the music industry to talk to children in the street. In the video 'Live In Budapest' John can be seen chatting to a young girl with no sinister overtones at all. What was her name and for extra credit how much shit would he be in if he did that these days?

5.What in the name of god and all that is holy possesed John to wear a suit on the tour promoting 'The Game' that made him look like a domestic science teacher?

6. When John was arrested for being in charge of a motor vehicle whilst eleven times over the legal limit for alcohol. What was the response of the arresting officer to John's excuse:
A. "I'm a huge fan and could I get an autograph?"
B. "I'm sorry Mr Deacon but the law is the law."
C. "Never heard of you."

7. John was recently photographed at a lap-dancing bar enjoying the attention of a scantily clad young lady. Is it just me or did that woman have tits like spaniel's ears and John could have done a lot better than that flat chested harridan. Discuss.

8. To whom did John dedicate his first solo album 'Man In The Shadows'?

9. To the nearest inch, how thick is the layer of dust that has gathered on John's guitar case?

10. Where would you be most likely to find John these days?
A. Attending the premiere of the latest Hollywood blockbuster.
B. Hard at work in the studio, putting the final touches to his latest solo effort.
C. Hiding in the attic of his Surrey mansion, wearing a dressing gown and slippers with a five day growth.

1. When putting Smile together, Brian advertised for a Warren Mitchell/Ginger Rogers type drummer. Who were Warren Mitchell and Ginger Rogers and what did they have to do with drummers?

2. Which of the following are not components of the Red Special:
A. A 100 year old mahogony firelace.
B. Motorcycle valve springs.
C. 45 cubic tonnes of builder's sand.
D. A sixpenny piece.

3. Rod Stewart wrote the song Maggie May as a tribute to the sister Brian never had. Which of Brian's own compositions had the same dedication?

4.To the nearest square meter, what area would be covered if Brians neck skin were stretched to it's full capacity?

5. Brian is a keen astronomer. What star sign is he and what are the common traits of his particular sign?

6. Ozzy Ozbourne's wife Sharon is a huge fan of Brian. How long before Brian turns up on her god awful chat show spouting some over sentimental bullshit about whatever cause is trendy at the time?
For extra credit how long will it take him to turn the conversation around to that fucking musical?

7. Brian is a world class Pin Ball player and has only ever been beaten once. Who beat him? (No it wasn't Supertrouper)

8. In what year did Brian's fans lose what little respect thay had left for him?

9. In what year did Brian lose what little respect he had for himself?

10.Assuming that Brian used a different sixpenny pieceas a plectrum each time he played live, how much would he own if they were converted into new money? Surely it would be enough for him to retire from the music industry with. Discuss.