TDN Online Edition 02

The Raptor's Freakin' Fightin' Tips!!!

Always watch your tail. If an opponent grabs that thing he or she will either pull you in and pummel you to smithereens or swing you all around the place and slam you into the ground. That's not good. If possible, grow one of those detachable tails like geckos have. Yet also remember, if push comes to shove, you can always surprise your opponent by using your tail as a weapon. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhh!

Daily Kong
by Donkey Kong

Hey ToD wannabes! Each month the next tournament becomes more and more a reality and the spaces within the brackets fill up faster and faster. It's because of this that the influx of letters from desperate contenders drastically increases.

So, what advice do I have for the Joe and Jane Buttkicker to nab the last couple of precious spaces left in the bracket? At this point there is only one reasonable answer: sabotage.

That's right, if you are still serious about getting into the arena this year, there is no gimmick or bribe that will be enough to get you in. Sure, you'll need both of those, but more so you will need to somehow snuff out the hopes and dreams of someone else who has already made it into the bracket or is dangerously close to it.

I was involved with the tournament at its inception, so competition to get in wasn't quite so fierce. Even so, I had to slip King Kong some bad bananas before his trial match in order to secure my slot in the brackets. While he was busy "voiding" said bananas, I put on the show of my life for the judges. If you are serious, then you can expect to do no less.

Be creative with your meathods and avoid any tactics that might easily be linked back to you. For example, the Human Torch would do well to infest the Three Musketeer's uniforms with body lice (thus eliminating them from the competition on the basis of hygene) rather than burning them alive in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics. I think you see where I'm going with this.

Good luck and remember that keeping it legal means keeping the bench warm!


MARCH 2005	YODA DEMANDS: FIGHT I MUST!
The Raptor's Freakin' Fightin' Tips!!! Always watch your tail. If an opponent grabs that thing he or she will either pull you in and pummel you to smithereens or swing you all around the place and slam you into the ground. That's not good. If possible, grow one of those detachable tails like geckos have. Yet also remember, if push comes to shove, you can always surprise your opponent by using your tail as a weapon. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhh! Daily Kong by Donkey Kong Hey ToD wannabes! Each month the next tournament becomes more and more a reality and the spaces within the brackets fill up faster and faster. It's because of this that the influx of letters from desperate contenders drastically increases. So, what advice do I have for the Joe and Jane Buttkicker to nab the last couple of precious spaces left in the bracket? At this point there is only one reasonable answer: sabotage. That's right, if you are still serious about getting into the arena this year, there is no gimmick or bribe that will be enough to get you in. Sure, you'll need both of those, but more so you will need to somehow snuff out the hopes and dreams of someone else who has already made it into the bracket or is dangerously close to it. I was involved with the tournament at its inception, so competition to get in wasn't quite so fierce. Even so, I had to slip King Kong some bad bananas before his trial match in order to secure my slot in the brackets. While he was busy "voiding" said bananas, I put on the show of my life for the judges. If you are serious, then you can expect to do no less. Be creative with your meathods and avoid any tactics that might easily be linked back to you. For example, the Human Torch would do well to infest the Three Musketeer's uniforms with body lice (thus eliminating them from the competition on the basis of hygene) rather than burning them alive in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics. I think you see where I'm going with this. Good luck and remember that keeping it legal means keeping the bench warm!	Yoda, the universe's premier Jedi master and the person charged with preparing 2004 Tournament of Doom champion Loren H. for competition in the 2005 TOD, has demanded that the TOD Council allow him to fight alongside his student in this year's tournament. "Every year, train the winner of the Tournament of Doom in the ways of the Force I do," said Yoda. "And every year-from Jim O'Hollearn to Mark Kresser-succeed in battle they do not." Yoda feels the best way he can help his young padawan learner is by joining him in the TOD arena. "Only by fighting at their side can a champion I make." Student competitors have not fared well in past versions of the Tournament of Doom despite learning from Yoda how to use the Force and a lightsaber. Jim O'Hollearn (fighting alongside the ultimate sidekick Robin) defeated Slipknot before losing in the second round to Xena, Warrior Princess. Mark Kresser (fighting alongside a fire-breathing Griffin) reached the sweet sixteen by first decimating the Fruit of the Loom Guys and then Rhino. Kresser and the Griffin ultimately fell to a well-armed Green Goblin. Yoda pointed out that even though O'Hollearn and Kresser both won a match in the TOD, each also accidentally sliced off their own arm with their lightsaber in battle. "Bumbling the norm is," said Yoda. "Embarrassed I am."	Loren hams it up during training while Yoda looks on While the lightsaber is a difficult weapon to master, Yoda said his greatest frustration comes from trying to teach them to use the Force. "Levitate an X-Wing fighter Loren can't, let alone a Volkswagen Beetle. Levitate a tricycle Loren can, but what good will this do when fighting a fearsome opponent such as the Predator?" Loren could not be reached for comment, although a spokesman said he thought it was pretty impressive that a high school senior with less than a year's training in the Force could levitate anything. Yoda has petitioned the TOD Council for inclusion in this year's Tournament of Doom. Councilmember Scott Zierath laughed off the proposition. "Yoda in the Tournament of Doom? He's too powerful! Sure, we've let Darth Vader and Mace Windu into the competition, but Yoda far exceeds their strength, particularly in Yoda's mastery of the Force. Vader is a relative weakling compared-I didn't say weakling did I? I didn't mean that. I don't think Vader's a weakling. I'm just saying he's not as good as Yoda…you're not going to print this are you? Please don't print this. I have to run now." Zierath took five steps before mysteriously collapsing while clutching his throat. Meanwhile, Yoda insists on his inclusion. "Rest I will not until Council lets me fight."
	ToD SLATED TO LOSE FUNDING! The federal government announced its fiscal year 2006 budget yesterday, which includes a proposal to zero-fund the Tournament of Doom. This could result in the elimination of the Tournament of Doom program. "This is pretty bush league," said TOD councilmember Jason Stonerook. "Without federal funding, there would be no Tournament of Doom. At best we could afford to stage one fight down in Marty's between a clumsy chimpanzee and a sock puppet." The purpose of the Tournament of Doom is three-fold: First, it works with participants to bring out their inner super-hero; second, it provides a violently funny way to improve critical thinking skills; and third, it supplies a pleasant distraction from more pressing work during long summer days. Those advocating for the elimination of the Tournament of Doom argue the TOD does not fulfill its goals. Instead, they would like to divert TOD funds to the Leave No Super-Hero Behind Program. Long-time TOD supporter Dave Hunt adamantly rejects this argument. "The Tournament of Doom is a great program and should be preserved at all costs. And besides, the Leave No Super-Hero Behind Program doesn't work! It's crap! I call it the 'I'll Throw Some Super Heroes In the Trash' program." He followed that statement with an odd wink. Kool-Aid Man, head of the TOD competitors union, could not believe the news when he heard of the federal government's plan. "Even a failed Texas oilman should be able to see the value of the Tournament of Doom. I can, and I'm just an oversized pitcher of red berry-flavored liquid." At this point, the future of the Tournament of Doom is uncertain. Kool-Aid Man urges you to call your congressman and urge him or her not to cut funding to the Tournament of Doom.		PAID ADVERTISEMENT The fourth and most spectacular Tournament of Doom is now only a few months away. Before long blood and teeth will be raining down on glee filled fans like party confetti. But what happens when one of those teeth, regardless of how much they sell for on Ebay, lands in yours or a loved one's eye? That's when you'll be glad to know that you've got Tournament Insurance. That's right. For the first time this year, you'll be able to issure yourself against injury or other loss that can occur in the stands. I think we all remember the large family of Jawas that was entirely wiped out by a single arena mishap. Don't let this happen to you! Go to ourwebsite and fill out the incredible number of complicated forms and provide us with your most embarassing personal information. Oh yeah, and send a lot of money too. At Mutual of ToD, we really care (just don't ask us about what).
	Tournament of Doom News - Online Edition March 2005
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