In a stunning show of political power, past participants from the Tournament of Doom successfully overthrew the U.S. Education Department and installed themselves as the new leaders of the cabinet department. Such an event is unprecedented in American history.

The momentous event began last Monday when Tournament of Doom chairman Darth Vader received a call from Phyllis Gray, director of the Luther College Upward Bound program, to inform Vader that his organization would no longer be able to use the LCUB’s facilities since the Department of Education had not renewed the grant for Luther College’s Upward Bound program. The Luther College Upward Bound program is a crucial part of the Tournament of Doom as it basically organizes, facilitates, and funds the summer TOD competition.

“When Ms. Gray told me that the TOD had lost its source of funding, I wanted to know why,” explained Mr. Vader. “I figured it had to be a mistake. I know the Luther College Upward Bound program was doing a good job working with its students, and we were certainly meeting all of our program goals, such as achieving a 90-95% destruction rate. So there must have been a mistake.”

Vader asked TOD communications director Pikachu to contact the Education Department headquarters in Washington D.C. for further clarification. “I was put on hold for seven hours before I was asked to leave a message,” Pikachu said through a translator. “Of course, they never replied. So I called again and left my own message. Whoever’s on the other end of that line is in for quite a shock,” said a sparking Pikachu standing next to a flaming telephone.

Vader decided he needed to get to the bottom of his program’s sudden termination so he assembled a group of former TOD participants to travel to Washington DC and get the answers themselves. The group—codenamed “TOD4UB”—was stymied upon arrival.

“The security guard at the entrance of the building said we needed a pass from someone inside the Education Department to give us clearance to enter,” explained Vader. “We told him we came to Washington DC to talk to someone in the department in person because we couldn’t reach them by phone, meaning there was no way we could have even received a pass in the first place. The guard said he was sorry but that we still needed a pass. It was quite the Catch-22. Thankfully, we had Kool-Aid Man with us. Using his own unique abilities, he found an entrance to the building no one knew about, not even the people working in the Education Department. In fact, he found four or five new entrances to the building, so things were working in our favor.”

Once inside the building, Vader and TOD4UB found the place in disarray. “I’m not sure if that was normal operating procedure or if our sudden arrival really startled them, but the place was more chaotic than a fight between a squadron of Stormtroopers and two dozen poo-flinging primates,” recalled Vader. “Still, some of the people working there greeted us as liberators. They kept hugging Grimace as if he had freed them from some evil dictator, which is strange since Grimace can’t even free himself from a sabretooth tiger.”

Still, some in the Education Department did not take kindly to TOD4UB’s sudden intrusion. “Some security guards attempted to stop our advance to the second floor,” explained Storm, head of TOD4UB’s advance unit. “The Powerpuff Girls and I successfully contained their threat. Once we had them cornered, we sent in Lex Luthor to negotiate with them. Mr. Luthor simply explained to them the situation we found ourselves in regarding our funding. At that point they were as disgusted as we were by the whole affair and joined us on our mission. In fact, they thought we were so cool they even asked if they could play in the TOD this summer.”

With the security guards now as their allies, TOD4UB quickly made it to the office of the Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings. A clearly angry and unloving Barney found Spellings and her assistant secretaries bunkered down behind her desk. “What do you want?” Spellings asked.

Vader replied, “Look, it would be very easy for me to use the Force and put you in a choke hold. Under different circumstances in a different arena, I might just do that. But not here. I just want to honestly know why you cut the Luther College Upward Bound program, because it does a lot of good and without it we can’t hold the Tournament of Doom.”

“I don’t have to answer your question,” stammered Spellings. “I can do whatever I please.”

“Fine,” Vader said. “Then I’ll let you go.” Vader then asked the members of TOD4UB to clear a path to the door for Spellings and her assistants to exit by. “That’s your choice. You can go, and no one in this room will stop you.”

“Promise?” asked an unsure Spellings.

“You have my word,” said Vader. “No one in this room will stop you.”

Spellings and her assistants then slowly rose from behind her desk and stepped carefully to the door, passing such TOD luminaries as the Animaniacs, Scott Zierath, Odie, Mary Poppins, Loren Havens, Beast-Man, Blue, Mike Patterson, Jim O’Hollearn, the Incredibles, the Rainbow Brite Coalition, Tracie Knapp, Groundskeeper Willie, Mace Windu, Stephanie Haar, Josh Dixon, Jeremy Lutz, Lightning McQueen, Eric Kerkove, and Sugar Bear along the way. Finally they reached the door, where no one in the room stopped them from exiting.

Yet once on the outside, Spellings and her assistants encountered one person in the desolate hallway—Sarah Schlee. “Hey, get out of our way,” Spellings demanded. “That scary dude in black armor told us no one would stop us from leaving, and that means you too.”

“Maybe you really should deal with Vader,” said Schlee. “Are you sure you want to leave?”

“Yes!” exclaimed Spellings. “Why do you ask?”

Schlee coldly replied, “Because the only thing standing between you and a gi-normous can of whoop-ass is me.”

“Whatever,” scoffed Spellings. “Get out of our way!”

“Fine,” said Schlee as she stepped aside and walked to the door. “I’m LEEEEA-VINGGGG!” she yelled down the hallway before stepping inside.

Schlee shut the door behind her and TOD4UB waited silently inside Spellings office. “It was faint at first,” recalled Vader. “You could hear someone outside in the hall say, ‘What is it?’ And then another: ‘It looks like a dinosaur.’ And then, ‘Or a bird,’ followed by the unmistakable screech of a freakin’ raptor.”

* * *

With no one in charge of the Education Department and TOD4UB effectively occupying the building, TOD4UB decided to install Darth Vader as the United States’ ninth Secretary of Education. The news did not sit well with the United States Congress, however.

“That’s understandable,” admitted Darth Vader. “It’s not everyday that a cabinet department is taken over by a Sith Lord. After all, Sith Lords don’t have a very good record when it comes to politics. Have you ever seen Star Wars: Episode III? It only took two of us to overthrow the entire galactic republic. So I knew I needed to win some trust.”

Vader formed a panel of four to travel the short distance to Capitol Hill to testify before the Senate Education Committee on Vader’s sudden rise to prominence. “I made Donkey Kong chairman of the committee because you have to look good when you testify before Congress, and DK wears a tie,” said Vader. “Of course, he also throws barrels and eats bananas compulsively, but everyone has their plusses and minuses.”

Indeed, Vader’s tenure did get off to a rocky start when Donkey Kong began hurling barrels at the Republican members of the committee. The fracas ended when he ran out of barrels, sat down, and started picking ticks off his hide.

The committee then asked the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, the second member of the TOD panel, to speak. Unfortunately he only dripped goo all over the Rotunda.

The third member of the panel, V, then spoke up. “ Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.”

“Are you like a crazy person?” asked Senator Inhofe (R-OK).

“I am quite sure they will say so,” replied V.

“Then why in the world would we want to help you?” said Inhofe.

“Wait, let me answer,” interjected Jason Stonerook, the fourth member of the panel. “It’s like this. The Education Department says it wants to “leave no child behind.” But when the Department of Ed. cut the Luther College Upward Bound program, they left some children behind, and Darth Vader simply wanted to know why they did that. If the Department of Education says they are going to leave no child behind, then they should stand by their word, but they haven’t in this case so it’s time for them to go. I know the Luther College Upward Bound program doesn’t leave children behind, and as crazy as it may sound, I know Darth Vader wouldn’t leave any children behind either, so I’d give them a chance. It’s as simple as that.”

The Senators mulled over Stonerook’s response. “That makes a lot of sense,” said Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA). “I move to confirm Darth Vader as Secretary of Education.”

After a quick vote, Darth Vader found himself confirmed as the nation’s ninth Secretary of Education.

* * *

Not everyone in Washington DC was happy with the sudden turn of events, however. President George W. Bush (R-8 th circle, 5 th bolgia) objected to Vader’s sudden rise to power and demanded the return of Spellings.

To handle Bush’s complaint, Vader summoned Shreds the Freakin’ Raptor his office. “Shreds,” he said, “is your strike force ready?”

“Yes,” the Raptor replied. “Come on in, guys.” Stitch, the chupacabra, Kalyn Cody, and Barney entered Vader’s office.

“This is a delicate mission, Shreds, a mission that needs your delicate touch. I need you to reason with this Lil’ Bush fellow.”

“No problem, Darthy,” said the Raptor. “Where do I find him?”

“Just head down the Mall and then hang a right at the big stone pointy thing. He’s in that white-colored house just across the way. It will probably be tough talking some sense into this guy, though.”

“Hmmm…sounds like my kind of job,” said the Raptor, who then headed for the door with his strike force.

Just as the Raptor and his team were walking out the door Vader spoke up one last time. “Shreds, just one more thing—you can handle this, right? It’s gonna be rough out there. If you need help, I’ll be right here.”