Scene Two
The following morning. The stage is empty. The doorbell rings.
TOINETTE enters from the alcove and answers it. It is the same NUN we saw
at the beginning of Scene One.
NUN
Please give a little something for the poor.
TOINETTE
Not you again! You were here yesterday.
NUN
Was I? When you go from house to house you forget which is which.
TOINETTE
I can imagine! Wait here. My master is not going to be very pleased.
(SHE retreats into the alcove. As soon as she is out of sight,
NUN races to the mantelpiece, grabs both shepherd and shepherdess and stashes
them into her habit. TOINETTE reappears just in time to see this.)
TOINETTE
My master says…What are you doing? Give me those!
(SHE rushes to Nun, grabs the habit. NUN fights her off. THEY
begin to wrestle. TOINETTE proves herself surprisingly strong and lands
an uppercut on Nun’s jaw. NUN tosses her off, gets to her feet. TOINETTE
seizes the garment and rips it revealing false breasts and SGANARELLE underneath.
Shepherd and Shepherdess fall to the floor.)
TOINETTE
You’re a man!
SGANARELLE
(rubbing his jaw)
What makes you think you’re not?
TOINETTE
I’m calling the police!
SGANARELLE
No! Let’s go back to what we were doing before.
TOINETTE
How dare you!
SGANARELLE
Poets use sweet words to brighten love---
That’s all those fellows have known of it.
But only one thing can heighten love---
That’s the fight in love---
And every grunt and groan of it.
This girl’s the one
And I’m gonna get ‘er---
For sweet talkin’s fun
But rasslin’ is better---
Come on and wrestle with me!
I bet our love
Ignites like a match can---
We’ll push and we’ll shove
While catchin’-as-catch-can---
Come on and wrestle with me!
I love a wench who’s not unlaced
Before your hands are on her waist,
Who won’t be humble
Till the final tumble
And whose chastity has to be chased.
Clothes are all right
And nice when they’ve slipped off,
But during a fight,
They’re better when ripped off---
Come on and wrestle with me!
TOINETTE
Sir, it’s an impossibility---
This rude, uncivilized plan of yours!
Give me well-mannered gentility,
Not virility---
(aside)
At least till I see the span of yours.
You’re not the one---
In spite of those glances---
What kind of nun
Would make such advances?
I will not wrestle with you!
I say, "Nay, nay!"
Such conduct displeases---
It may be okay
For certain marquises---
But I will not wrestle with you!
I’m just a pure and moral maid
Whose girlhood left, but virtue stayed---
(aside)
Until the nightfall
When I love the right fall
And the wayward-like way I’m waylaid!
What dreadful conceit
To think I would fight now---
If I weren’t so sweet
I’d clobber you right now---
I will not wrestle with you!
SGANERELLE
Come on and wrestle with me!
TOINETTE
I will not wrestle with you!
Now take your habit and get out of here!
SGANERELLE
One rough little kiss!
TOINETTE
Get out, I say!
SGANERELLE
(as SHE pushes him toward the door)
I’ll be back sooner than you think.
(HE squeezes one of her breasts. SHE slaps him hard, then slams
the door after him, smiles and dreamily re-enters the room.)
TOINETTE
I wish
That he’d been my ideal,
Heroic, tall and tan;
I wish
My every high ideal
Didn’t lower with each man.
I wish
He’d had a bit more taste
And less plebian airs;
I wish
God showed a whit more taste
When answering my prayers.
I wish he’d been the Romeo
To leave me all agog;
I wish they’d told me years ago
You can’t find a prince in every old frog.
I wish
He were the dish I wish
To please my appetite;
But most
Of all I wish, I wish,
He’ll wish for me tonight.
(Doorbell rings again. Toinette’s heart skips a beat. SHE goes
expectantly to the door and opens it. CLEANTE---young, handsome Cleante---enters.)
TOINETTE
What do you---? Oh, it’s you. What have you come here for?
CLEANTE
To know my fate. To speak with the lovely Angelique. To learn her feelings
and ask her intentions concerning this dreadful marriage I just heard about.
TOINETTE
Yes, but you can’t come and tackle her point-blank like that. These
matters need arranging. Moreover, you have heard how she is watched, not
allowed to go out or talk to anyone.
CLEANTE
Yes, but I am not here as Cleante or in the character of her lover but
as the friend of her music master who has authorized me to say that he
sent me here in his place.
(ARGON enters.)
ARGON
Dr. Diaforous said I was to walk up and down my bedroom twelve times
each way every morning, but I forgot to ask him whether he meant crosswise
or lengthwise.
TOINETTE
There’s a gentleman here…
ARGON
Speak more softly, you good-for-nothing. Your voice goes right through
my head. You never remember that you shouldn’t speak loudly to those who
are ill.
TOINETTE
I wanted to tell you, master, that…
ARGON
Quietly, I say!
TOINETTE
(whispering)
Master…
ARGON
Eh?
TOINETTE
I wanted to tell you that…
ARGON
Speak up, girl.
TOINETTE
I was saying there was a man here wanting to speak to you.
ARGON
Where? Where?
CLEANTE
(stepping forward)
Sir.
TOINETTE
Not so loud. Your voice’ll go right through the master’s head.
CLEANTE
Sir, I’m delighted to find you up and about and to see you are feeling
better.
TOINETTE
What do you mean better? We never know from hour to hour whether he’s
still with us.
CLEANTE
I heard the gentleman was better, and I thought he looked well.
TOINETTE
Are you sure your vision is up to par? Look at those eyes. They’re the
color of very old lemons.
ARGON
She’s quite right.
TOINETTE
He can get about, sleep, eat and drink like anybody else, but that doesn’t
mean he isn’t very ill indeed.
ARGON
That’s true.
CLEANTE
I’m very sorry to hear it, sir. I have come on behalf of your daughter’s
music master. He had to go out of town for a few days and, as I’m a very
close friend of his, he has sent me in his place to continue the young
lady’s lessons lest the interruption might make her forget what she has
already been taught.
ARGON
Very well. Call Angelique.
TOINETTE
I think, master, it would be better if I took the gentleman to her room.
ARGON
No. Bring her here.
TOINETTE
He can’t teach her properly except in private.
ARGON
Oh, yes he can.
TOINETTE
Master, it’s bound to deafen you and you mustn’t have anything to upset
you in the state you are in. It’ll go right through your head.
ARGON
Nonsense. I’m fond of music, and I shall be very pleased to…ah, here
she is.
(ANGELIQUE enters. SHE sees Cleante and stops in shock.)
ARGON
Come in, my girl. Your music master is out of town and here’s someone
he has sent in his place to give you your lesson. What is it? What are
you so surprised at?
ANGELIQUE
Such…such a strange coincidence, father.
ARGON
What do you mean?
ANGELIQUE
I dreamed last night I was in a most dreadful predicament when I met
someone just like this gentleman and asked him to help me and he did. He
managed to get me out of my difficulty. It was so amazing to come in here
and meet the very person who had been in my thoughts all the night.
TOINETTE
Will wonders never cease!
CLEANTE
I’m very happy to occupy your thoughts whether waking or dreaming. And
I certainly count myself most fortunate, should you be in any trouble,
if you thought me worthy of helping you.
ANGELIQUE
And I, by the same token, count myself very fortunate to have someone
like you who is there to aid me.
CLEANTE
And I, in turn, am most fortunate to have you be most fortunate to…
ARGON
Get on with it!
CLEANTE
As I say, I am most fortunate…
ARGON
Not the fortunate part! The music part!
CLEANTE
Oh, yes. By all means.
TOINETTE
(pointing to the harpsichord)
Over there.
(CLEANTE sits at the instrument. ANGELIQUE stands in front of
it. HE begins to strike notes.)
CLEANTE
Do-re-me-fa-so-la-ti-do…
ANGELIQUE
Do-re-me-fa-so-la-ti-do…
CLEANTE
Do-ti-la-so-fa-me-re-do…
ANGELIQUE
Do-ti-la-so-fa-me-re-do…
CLEANTE
We've known each other for just awhile
And still my fancies take flight,
For every time that you sigh or smile
Our tomorrows unite.
I have never seen you swimming in the sun,
I have never heard you pray;
We have never kissed before the coffee's done,
But these are things we'll do someday.
We have never watched our shadows on the lawn
As the twilight slips away;
We have never felt the stillness of the dawn,
But these are things we'll do someday.
Each time we touch
We'll fall in love anew,
We have so much,
So much to look forward to.
And soon we both will know
How warm the winter seems
When your love is there to stay,
Then we'll sit and share our secret silent dreams,
Yes, these are things we'll do someday.
TOINETTE
Lovely!
CLEANTE
Now, you…
ANGELIQUE
We've known each other for just awhile
And still my fancies take flight,
For every time that you…
CLEANTE
Sigh or smile
ANGELIQUE
Sigh or smile…
CLEANTE & ANGELIQUE
Our tomorrows unite.
I have never seen you swimming in the sun,
I have never heard you pray;
We have never kissed before the coffee's done,
But these are things we'll do someday.
We have never watched our shadows on the lawn
As the twilight slips away;
We have never felt the stillness of the dawn,
But these are things we'll do someday.
Each time we touch
We'll fall in love anew,
We have so much,
So much to look forward to.
And soon we both will know
How warm the winter seems
When your love is there to stay,
Then we'll sit and share our secret silent dreams,
Yes, these are things we'll do someday.
(Doorbell rings. TOINETTE is still caught up in the romanticism
of the number.)
ARGON
Don’t just stand there, wench! Go answer it. It’s probably the Diaforouses.
TOINETTE
Sounds like a disease. The only one you haven’t caught yet.
(TOINETTE ambles as slowly as possible to the door. CLEANTE
makes a move to go.)
ARGON
Don’t go, sir. The fact is I’m in the process of getting my daughter
married. She’s not seen her future husband yet. He’s the son of a brilliant
doctor. The marriage is to take place in a few days’ time.
CLEANTE
Indeed.
ARGON
Pass the word to the music master so that he can be at the wedding.
I hope you will be able to come, too.
CLEANTE
You are too kind.
(TOINETTE admits DR. DIAFOROUS and his son THOMAS. DIAFOROUS
is a good foot taller than his offspring.)
DIAFOROUS
Ah, M. Argon, my favorite patient. Here is my dear son, Thomas.
THOMAS
Do I begin now, pater?
DIAFOROUS
Yes.
THOMAS
Sir, in you I come to salute, acknowledge, cherish, and revere a second
father, but a second father to whom, I make bold to say, I am more indebted
than to my original one. He begot me, but you have chosen me out. He had
to take me willy nilly; you have accepted me voluntarily. My kinship with
him is physical---a product of the body; with you it is an effect of will
and intention and so, inasmuch as the faculties of the mind surpass the
faculties corporeal, so I am indebted to you for, and in like measure hold
precious, this future affiliation, for which I come today to offer you
in advance my humble and respectful thanks.
TOINETTE
Cheers for the colleges that send such clever fellows into the world!
THOMAS
Was that all right, pater?
DIAFOROUS
Optime.
ARGON
(to Angelique)
Come. Make your greetings to the gentleman.
THOMAS
Madam! Rightly has heaven bestowed on you the title of mother since…
ARGON
That’s not my wife. That’s my daughter you are addressing.
THOMAS
Then where is your wife?
ARGON
She’s coming.
THOMAS
Do I wait till she comes, pater?
DIAFOROUS
Pay your compliments to the young lady in the meantime.
THOMAS
(to himself)
But I learned them in sequence.
(to Angelique)
Madam, even as the statue of Memnon used to give forth a melodious
sound at the moment when the sun’s rays first illumined it so do I find
myself animated by emotion when the sun of your beauty appears. Even as
the naturalists observe that the flower named Heliotrope turns ever to
the star of day so will my heart henceforward and forever turn towards
those resplendent luminaries, your lovely eyes, as if to its own Pole Star.
Permit me then, madam, to offer this very day upon the altar of your charms
a heart which seeks no other glory than that of being your obedient, humble
and devoted servant and spouse.
TOINETTE
What a speech!
ARGAN
(to Cleante)
What do you say to that?
CLEANTE
The gentleman’s doing splendidly. If he’s as good a doctor as he is
an orator, it will be a pleasure to be one of his patients.
TOINETTE
It will indeed. It’ll be a wonderful thing if his cures are up to his
speeches.
(under her breath)
If only a bit shorter.
ARGON
You see, sir, how everyone admires your son. You are very fortunate
to have a boy like that.
DIAFOROUS
When a little male baby is born,
It’s one of life’s purest joys---
But parents who blow their own horn
Make a most uncomfortable noise.
It usually causes one to gag a little---
But please, good people,
Permit me to brag a little.
(TOINETTE, ANGELIQUE, CLEANTE and even ARGON gather about him.
THOMAS stands beside him and grins idiotically at everything his father
has to say.)
What a perfectly wonderful lad!
The finest lad a dad ever had!
What a perfectly wonderful lad
Was he!
As a child you would never hear his cries
Or see him race about a tree---
He would just sit and pull the wings off flies---
And I knew someday a doctor he would be!
What a perfectly wonderful lad!
The finest lad a dad ever had!
What a perfectly wonderful lad
Was he!
TOINETTE, ARGON, CLEANTE & ANGELIQUE
What a perfectly wonderful lad!
The finest lad a dad ever had!
What a perfectly wonderful lad
Was he!
DIAFOROUS
He would never talk back or curse or whine---
For that I always said "amen"---
Of course he didn’t speak till the age of nine---
You could tell he was a thinker even then.
What a perfectly wonderful lad!
The finest lad a dad ever had!
What a perfectly wonderful lad
Was he!
TOINETTE, ARGON, CLEANTE & ANGELIQUE
What a perfectly wonderful lad!
The finest lad a dad ever had!
What a perfectly wonderful lad
Was he!
DIAFOROUS
With the other kids, he was such a joy,
When he’d wrestle, he would lose---
He loved to play doctor with the stable boy---
That’s how I knew what profession he would choose.
What a perfectly wonderful lad!
The finest lad a dad ever had!
What a perfectly wonderful lad
Was he!
ALL
What a perfectly wonderful lad!
The finest lad a dad ever had!
What a perfectly wonderful lad
Was he!
(THEY ALL go into a short exuberant tap dance.)
THOMAS
I have prepared a thesis against those who uphold the circulation of
the blood which, with your permission, I venture to offer to the young
lady as the first fruits of my genius.
(He draws a great roll of parchment from his pocket and presents
it to Angelique.)
ANGELIQUE
Such a thing would be of no use to me, sir. I know nothing of such matters.
TOINETTE
Come on, give it to me. It’s worth having for the pictures in the margin.
It’ll be nice to hang in the bedroom. A good many things look better when
they’re hung.
THOMAS
With your permission, sir, I would like to invite her to come along
one day and enjoy the pleasure of seeing a woman dissected and hearing
my dissertation upon it.
TOINETTE
That will be amusing. Some young men take their young ladies to a play,
but a dissection is so much more entertaining!
ARGON
Don’t you intend to promote his career at court, sir, and procure him
a post of physician there?
DIAFOROUS
To be quite frank I have never found the practice of our profession
among people of great consequence very attractive. My experience has been
that it’s better for us to practice among the general public. They are
less exacting. You don’t have to answer to anybody for your actions and
provided you keep to the beaten track of professional practice you don’t
need to worry what happens. The trouble about people of consequence is
that when they’re ill they absolutely insist on being cured.
TOINETTE
Fancy expecting you fellows to cure them! That’s not what you are there
for at all. Your job is to collect your fees and prescribe the remedies.
It’s for them to get better---if they can!
(BELINE enters.)
ARGON
Ah, here’s my wife. Here’s Dr. Diaforous’ son, my love.
THOMAS
Madam, rightly has heaven bestowed on you the title of mother because…in
your visage we behold…
BELINE
I’m delighted to have come in time to have the honor of seeing you,
sir.
THOMAS
Because in your visage we behold…madam, you have interrupted me in the
middle of my sentence and now I can’t remember…
DIAFOROUS
Keep it for another time, Thomas.
ARGON
I wish you had been here a while ago, my dear.
TOINETTE
Oh, madam! What you missed by not being here for the second father and
the statue of Memnon and the flower called Heliotrope.
ARGON
Now come along, my girl, give the gentleman your hand and plight him
your troth as your husband to be.
ANGELIQUE
Father, I beseech you not to hurry things. Marriage is a bond which
should not be imposed on anyone by compulsion. If the gentleman is an honorable
man he will not wish to take a wife who is forced to marry him.
(CLEANTE has retired to the harpsichord and very softly begins
playing "Things We’ll Do Someday" as a counterpoint to the dialogue between
Angelique and Thomas.)
THOMAS
Nego consequentiam. I deny your conclusion, dear lady. I could
very well be a man of honor and still accept you at the hands of your father.
ANGELIQUE
To force yourself upon a girl against her will is a poor way of making
her love you. And the test of love is willingness to give way to the wishes
of one’s beloved.
THOMAS
Distinguo, madam. I make a distinction. Where love is not involved,
concedo,
I concede the point. But where love is involved nego, I cannot agree.
TOINETTE
It’s no use your arguing. The gentleman is fresh out of college. He’s
too good for you every time. What is the point of resisting and refusing
the honor of being attached to the faculty?
BELINE
Maybe she has someone else in mind.
ANGELIQUE
If I had, madam, it would be one such as reason and modesty would approve.
BELINE
You are a public laughing stock with your absurd pride and presumption.
ANGELIQUE
And you, madam, are…
CLEANTE
(very softly)
I have never seen you swimming in the sun,
I have never heard you pray,
We have never kissed before the coffee’s done…
ARGON
Will you stop with that noise! We’re having a serious discussion.
CLEANTE
But I thought a little romantic music would put them in a little romantic
mood.
ARGON
Enough! You can go now.
(CLEANTE rises, bows to the group. TOINETTE leads him to the
door, whispers to him something we cannot hear, opens the door and lets
him out.)
ARGON
(to Diaforous)
You must forgive this familial squabble. My daughter will come around.
ANGELIQUE
I will not.
ARGON
Listen! Either you marry this gentleman within four days or you go into
a convent, one or the other. Make your choice.
(ANGELIQUE rushes out through the alcove.)
Don’t worry. I’ll bring her to heel.
DIAFOROUS
We must also take our leave.
ARGON
Before you go, please tell me how I am, sir.
DIAFOROUS
(taking Argon’s wrist)
Thomas. Take the gentleman’s other wrist to show you can take a
pulse properly. Quid dicis. What sayest thou?
THOMAS
Dico, I say that this is the pulse of a man who is not at all
well.
ARGON
How true that is!
THOMAS
Strongish not to say strong.
DIAFOROUS
Very good.
THOMAS
Falling off a little now.
DIAFOROUS
Bene.
THOMAS
Even a little erratic.
DIAFOROUS
Optime.
THOMAS
Indicative of a disturbed state of the splenetic parenchyma---that is
the spleen.
DIAFOROUS
Excellent.
ARGON
No. My former doctor, Dr. Purgon, says it’s my liver that’s wrong.
DIAFOROUS
There are so many medical theories
In this wild, contradictory era
That the answers to all of your queries
Might often sound queerer and queerer.
But, please, you mustn’t fret about it;
Try not to think---just forget about it.
THOMAS
You are perfectly right, my dear pater---
He can worry himself sick
When he gets the bill later.
DIAFOROUS & THOMAS
There is something amiss in your bladder,
There is something amiss in the flow,
There is something amiss in your bladder,
But we’ll both be damned if we know.
There is something quite wrong with your kidneys---
It was clear just as soon as you shook;
There is something quite wrong with your kidneys,
But we both get sick if we look.
You have to stop this frettin’
And, please, no more hyster’ya;
Although gangrene might set in,
The more gangrene the merr’ya.
There is something amiss in your spleen, sir,
For the spleen sometimes turns upside down;
There is something amiss in your spleen, sir,
But why spread it all over town?
You easily bruise
In blacks and blues---
Your yellow jaundice has turned chartreuse.
Your diet’s very
Unsanitary,
Your tapeworm suffers from beriberi.
Your shakes are shakier,
Your aches are achier---
If you only knew what went on in your trachea!
Monsieur, if you only knew,
You’d call in a doctor or two.
There is something amiss in your stomach
And your pancreas must be a mess;
Though there’s something amiss in your stomach,
Frankly we couldn’t care less.
There is something quite wrong with your lungs, sir,
For it’s thusly whenever there’s phlegm;
Though there’s something quite wrong with your lungs, sir,
For God’s sake you mustn’t tell them!
We should keep this clandestine
Or else it could appall one,
But watch that large intestine,
It’s eating up the small one.
There’s something amiss in your liver,
For we’ve read that in summer they melt;
There is something amiss in your liver,
But let’s keep it under your belt.
So we won’t give you all of the data,
For it’s bound to upset your morale---
But we wonder who’ll win the regatta
In your alimentary canal!
(THEY dance out the door as TOINETTE holds it open for them.)
ARGON
What wonderful doctors! I feel just awful.
BELINE
Come dear. I’ll take you to your room.
(SHE helps him out of the chair, places his arm about her shoulder
and leads him off through the alcove. TOINETTE begins to straighten the
room.)
TOINETTE
I wish
I played the part in life
I play in every dream;
I wish
I were as smart in life
As my daydreams make me seem.
I wish
That I could find a way
To help poor Angelique…
(SHE sinks into one of the chairs, lost in thought. To the tune
of "I Wish", lights change from afternoon to evening. Doorbell rings. TOINETTE
rises, goes to answer it. SGANARELLE stands there, beaming. HE is dressed
now as a man and not a nun---and a fairly attractive one. He holds a bouquet
of flowers in his hand.)
TOINETTE
It’s you!
SGANARELLE
I told you I’d be back.
TOINETTE
I was hoping you were lying.
(HE hands her the bouquet.)
Who did you steal those from?
SGANARELLE
Come on, lady. Give a thief a break.
TOINETTE
Let me first hide the silver.
(HE grabs her and kisses her passionately. SHE pushes him away.)
TOINETTE
If you think I can’t do better than a common criminal…
SGANARELLE
That sounds like something my Aunt Hélène would have said.
TOINETTE
Who is your Aunt Hélène? The Mother Superior at your convent?
SGANARELLE
My Aunt Hélène had great idealism---
She would not mix romance with realism---
She’d always say when men annoyed ‘er,
"I will not compromise, I’ll just embroider."
So she would sit
And weave her laces
And rock upon her chair of willow;
Now she has forty lovely cases
For just one pillow.
Why not now?
Why not now?
Think of what can be begun tonight?
Why put off
Why put off
Things that can be done tonight?
When the hummingbird hums
And the night’s unimpeachable,
Why twiddle your thumbs?
Why not reach for what’s reachable?
Why not now?
Why not now?
Think of what could be begot tonight?
Why not strike,
Why not strike
If the iron’s hot tonight?
In years to come
While lying in bed,
You’ll look back
And wish you had said,
"Now! Why not now?"
TOINETTE
How can I think of hummingbirds and hot irons when there’s a terrible
crisis going on right now in this very house? If you were any kind of a
real scoundrel, you could probably help me.
SGANARELLE
I resent you’re casting aspersions on my professional competence. How
do you know I can’t help you?
TOINETTE
Well, it’s like this…
(The music of "Why Not Now?" which has continued in the background
now builds and drowns her out as she tells him in pantomime what has been
happening with Argon’s imaginary illnesses, Angelique, Cleante and Thomas.
When she finishes, HE pauses a moment, his finger to his head. Then He
snaps his fingers and whispers his plan in her ear. The more he goes on,
the brighter her face becomes, until, when he is finished, she throws her
arms about him.)
TOINETTE
That’s genius!
(THEY fall on the sofa with Toinette on top of him. THEY begin
to grapple in the midst of mad passionate love.)
CURTAIN
