Catfight Camp
Note: In my universe and fics the red haired girl's name is Melissa. Okay??? Okay???? Good, now I don't have to kick your ass.
(Theme and warning)
(Outside the school)
(A bus is parked in front of the school.)
Kyle: Man, this gonna suck ass.
Stan: Totally, dude. Three weeks at a sucky camp. How could things be any worse?
Kyle: I don't know dude.
(Crystal and Wendy walk up to Stan and Kyle.)
Crystal: Hi guys.
Wendy: Hi Staaaan!
(Stan pukes)
Kyle: Hey, Crys.
Crystal: This camp gonna suck "Woca-ass".
Stan: "Woca-ass"?
Kyle: What's that?
Wendy: (Giggles) It's this new word Crys and I came up with.
Kyle: Woca?
Crystal: It's for "Wart On Cartman's Ass".
Kyle: Cool!
(Kenny walks up to the others)
Kenny: (Waz up, dudes?)
Crystal: Wendy and I came up with a new word, Woca.
Kenny: (Woca?)
Stan: Yeah, it's for "Wart On Cartman's Ass."
(Kenny laughs)
(Cartman walks up to them. He seems down)
Stan: Waz up, Cartman?
Cartman: It's this camp. It gonna suck ass. I have to spend three weeks with you assholes and hippies!
Kyle: Thanks a lot, fatso!
Stan: Don't fight.
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned, Jewass monkey!
Stan: (Little bit higher) Don't fight.
Kyle: At least I'm not a fat monkey, asshole!
Stan: (Little bit higher) Don't fight, dammit!
Cartman: You son of a bitch!
Kyle: DON'T CALL MY MOM A BITCH!
Stan: GODAMMIT DON'T FIGHT! I'M TIRED OF HAVE YOU TO GUYS FIGHTING ALL THE TIME! STOP FIGHTING, GODAMMIT!
(Silence)
(Zoom at Kyle's face - he looks shocked)
(Pan to Cartman's face, he looks suprised. We notice a piece of chocolate at his cheek)
(Zoom of Stan's face - he looks like he's in a trance.)
(Silence)
Kyle: Man.
Cartman: What happened to the wuss?
(Stan still looks the same way)
(There's a long silence.)
Kyle: Stan? Hello? Stan Marsh?
(No response)
Kyle: Wendy you gotta try.
Wendy: Staaan?
(Stan barfs, but still looks likes he's in trance.)
Kyle: STAN!
(No response)
(We go into Stan's mind)
(It's a red button - its typed "Flipped out" on it. It's blinking.)
(Back in reality)
Kenny: (Let me handle it.... Stan! Look! You have to see this! It's Wendy.... and she's naked!)
Stan: Where, What? Huh?
(Kenny is laughing so hard he lies at the ground.)
Stan: Dude that was NOT funny.
Kyle: Yes it was.
(He laughs almost as hard as Kenny does.)
Cartman: That was sweet.
(Laughs)
Wendy: I think that was to pervert to be funny.
Crystal: That was just becuz you were the one it was about.
(Laughs.)
Wendy: What do you think
Stan?
(Stan barfs)
Wendy: Gross.
Crystal: Hey, I think it's time to get on the bus.
Kyle: (Sarcastically) Woca-ass camp, here we come.
(In the bus)
Female Campleader: I think that was the last one.
Busdriver: Okay. Let's drive.
(The bus starts driving)
Female Campleader (in mic): Hello Boys and girls! My name is Jennifer and this is Mike.
(Points at a male campleader)
(Silence)
(A boy raises his hand)
Female Campleader: What, Travis?
Boy: Where's the toilet?
(Later - the bus arrives at the camp. It looks like a regular camp)
Female Campleader: Ok, children, you know in which group you're in, so--
(The door opens, and all the kids run out of the bus.)
Cartman: Superweak. I'm not even in the other guys group.
(Pan over to the other guys)
Crystal: Sweet! No Cartman!
Kyle: Yeah!
Kenny: (This gonna kick ass)
Stan: Totally, dude.
Crystal: Let's go check out our cottage.
(They leave)
(A cottage)
Cartman: Let's see--- no.3...It's over here.
(He opens the door)
(It's a boy and a girl in the cottage. The boy wears a red hat, green coat with a red collar, and purple gloves and orange pants. The girl wears lightgreen coat with a yellow collar, the gloves is yellow too. Light blue pants. She has lightbrown hair.)
Cartman: Uh, Hi, Is this cottage no.3?
Boy: Yep. I guess you're Eric, Right?
Cartman: Uh, yeah, but don't call me Eric, just call me Cartman
Boy: Uh sure. My name is Sean, and that's Stacey.(points at the girl)
Cartman: Uh, hi dude... and dudette.
(Knock on the door)
(The door opens)
(A kid comes in. He looks a little bit like "The Mole", but he wears a red coat and baggy blue jeans. He smokes.)
Guy: Hey, is this no. 3?
Cartman: Uh, yeah.
Guy: Well, my name is Patrick Anderson
Sean: This is Eric Cartman, that's Stacey Jennings, and my name is Sean Harris.
Patrick: Well, they must have screwed the names up, my friend Will got in the same group as some Wendy-girl
Cartman: Oh, my friend's bitch.
Patrick: Huh?
Cartman: Wendy - she's a tree-hugging hippie. It's my *friend* Stan's girlfriend.
Patrick: Oh.
(The girl's cottage)
(Knock on the door)
Bebe: Who's that?
Wendy: I don't know. Let's check!
(They opens the door)
(A guy stands in the door, he got a white Nike cap, a blue FuBu shirt and black baggy jeans.)
Guy: Uh, hi.
Wendy: Hi.
Melissa: Hi.
Bebe: (Thinking) I wonder if he got a cute ass (Saying) Uh, hi.
(The guy looks at Wendy)
Guy: (Thinking) That girl is kinda cute. (Saying) I'm going to live in the same cottage as you, so I guess I have to introduce myself - I'm William Malone, but you can call me Will.
Bebe: Will...My name is Bebe, and that's Melissa....
(Points at her)
Bebe: ... and this is my *friend* Wendy.
Will: Hi.
(Still stares at Wendy)
Bebe: (Thinking) Turn around, turn around!
(Will turns around)
Bebe: Wow...
Will: Huh?
Bebe: Uh, forget it.
(The scamps cottage)
Crystal: This is sweet!
Kyle: Yeah!
Kenny: (Yeah, cuz now Kyle will f**k Crystal.)
Kyle: DUDE! Crystal, is my friend, not my girlfriend, and 8 year olds don't have sex!
Kenny: (They don't?)
Crystal: Course not!
Kenny: (Oh. I didn't know that)
Stan: Sick dude! You're not a virgin?
Kenny: (Uh... Of course I am!)
Crystal: *Beep* LIE! *Beep*
Kenny: (Dude, I'm a virgin! I was just kidding! Heh...heh.)
Crystal: Whatever.
(Assembly hall)
Female Campleader (FCL): Hello, boys and girls!
(Silence)
(The boy that asked for the toilet raises his hand)
FCL: Oh, I see Travis got a question!
Boy: Where's the toilet?
FCL: Uh, over there.
Boy: Oh.
(He gets up and goes in the direction that the campleader pointed in)
(Silence)
FCL: Well, anyway... On this camp we're going to paddle canoe, cook in the forest and swim, and a lots of other stuff! We're also going to a bearfarm! Isn't that exciting?
(Zoom at Kyle, Crystal, Stan and Kenny)
Crystal: (quietly) Oh no!
Stan: Huh?
Kyle: What?
Crystal: (whispering) Uh... I can't swim.
Kyle: You can't?
Crystal: No!
Kyle: Well that's not hard.
Stan: No! It's just like uh, this...
(He shows with his arms how to swim)
FCL: Uh... Is there a problem there, kids?
Kyle: Crystal here-
Crystal: (To Kyle) Shh! (To campleader) No, ma'am! Everything is... Okay. Superfine. No problems. Heh...heh.
FCL: Well... That's great, but uh... you're disturbing the information.
Crystal: Oh, I'm so *very* sorry for that...
FCL: Uh, okay. Well, children, the ones that are in the group "The Bear", are going to follow Fred here.
(Some kids gets up and goes to this Fred, an oooooooold man that sits in a wheelchair)
FCL: And the kids that are in the group "The Horse", you're going with Alison here.
(Kyle, Kenny, Stan and Crystal get up and move over to Female Campleader 2 (FCL2), women that are in the 20-year-old.
Kenny: (Man, she's pretty)
Stan: Yeah, whatever, Mr. I'm-not-a-virgin.
(Kenny punches Stan in the face)
FCL2: Boys, boys, don't fight!
(They stop immediately.)
Stan: Dude, I was just kidding!
Kenny: (But that's not funny!)
Stan: Whatever.
FCL2: Well, we're going to swim today, kids.
Crystal: Shit.
FCL2: What did you say?
Crystal: I said, "Shit".
FCL2: Oh.
(Silence)
FCL2: Why did you say "shit"?
Crystal: Uh, I don't know.
FCL2: Uh... 'Kay. Go and change your clothes, kids and meet me here in 15 minutes.
(Cartman's group.)
Cartman: This is sooooo lame.
Sean: Yup.
Stacey: Yeah.
Patrick: Yeah. Making food is so weak.
Cartman: Yeah. I wish my mom were here.
Patrick: What?
Cartman: So she could make that food.
Patrick: Oh. I see your mom is good at cooking.
(Punches Cartman in the stomach)
Cartman: Ay! I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
Patrick: Oh. I was just kidding.
Cartman: My friends always call me fat.
Stacey: I can't see why. I think you're big-boned.
Cartman: Really?
Stacey: Yeah. And you're cool too.
Cartman: Well... Uh. Thanks... I guess.
Stacey: You're welcome.
Sean: Cut it out guys and do what we come here to do.
Patrick: What are we cooking?
Stacey: Noodles.
Cartman: Weak!
Stacey: Well, at least it's chicken flavor.
(Pan to the Wendy's group)
Male Camp Leader (MCL): When you're paddling canoe you have to be two and two in each canoe.
Will: Uh, Wendy, do you mind if I go in the same group as you?
Wendy: Of course not, Will. I'd love to. (Smiles)
Will: Oh that's great.
(Zoom at Bebe: she looks PISSED off)
(Back to the scamps)
(The boys have change clothes, but Crystal still wears her original clothes.)
FCL2: But, Crystal, why haven't you changed clothes?
Crystal: (Obviously lying) Oh, I'm sorry, but.... it seem like I left my swimsuit at home.
FCL2: Oh that's not a problem! We got swimsuits that you can use.
Crystal: (Low) F**k.
Kyle: Don't worry, I'll come up with something...
Crystal: How?
Kyle: Uh... I'll come up with something.
Crystal: Dude!
Kyle: Just calm down! (To FLC2:) Uh, it seems like Crystal here... got a cold.
FCL2: Well that's too bad, Crystal. I guess you better get back to your cottage and go to bed, then.
Crystal: Yeah, I'm sleepy anyway. (Fake yawn) See ya later guys. (Fake cough.)
FCL2: Bye, Crystal.
Kyle: Bye Crys.
Kenny, Stan: See ya.
(Pan to Wendy's group - They are canoeing now.)
Will: (To Wendy) Uh... Do you have a boyfriend, Wendy?
Wendy: Yeah.
Will: (Sadly) Oh.
Wendy: He pukes when we are trying to kiss.
Will: (Not meaning it) Well... That's too bad.
Wendy: His name is Stan, he's in the "Horse"-group. Cutest guy on the planet.... Ahh.
Will: Oh... Which one is Stan?
Wendy: The one with dark blue hat.
Will: Oh.
(Silence)
(Pan over to Bebe and Melissa)
Bebe: THAT BITCH! She already got a boyfriend! WILLIAM MALONE IS MINE, MINE, MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!
Melissa: So what you gonna do about it?
Bebe: I don't know. You're on my side, right?
Melissa: Of course!
Bebe: Great! You're a real friend, not like Wendy Testaburger. DO YOU HEAR ME? HE'S MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!
(Pan back to Wendy and Will)
(We hear Bebe screaming very, very low)
Will: Did you hear something?
(Wendy shakes her head)
(Pan to Cartman's group)
Cartman: Hey, you're pretty good making noodles, Stacey.
Stacey: Thanks, Cartman.
Cartman: You're welcome, I guess.
Stacey: What do you guys think about it?
Ryan: (Looking disgusted) Uh... It was... Okay... Except that I'm allergic too chicken.
Stacey: Oh no!
Ryan: I don't feel so....
(Pukes)
Ryan: ... Good.
Patrick: Man!
Cartman: E-EWWWW!
Stacey: Gross!
Cartman: Yeah!
Ryan: Sorry guys.
Stacey: No problems. Let's get outta here!
Cartman: Yeah.
(The Scamps cottage)
(She takes out a walkman from her bag and starts listen. She sings along, but we, naturally, don't her the music. It's Red Hot Chili Peppers "Otherside" (I just love that song...) )
Crystal: (singing)How long
How looooong
Will I slide?
Separate my side
I don't
I don't believe it's baaaaaad
Slitin' my throat
It's all I ever
I heard you voice through a photograph
I thought that I been brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back
I gotta take it on the otherside...
(Back to scamps)
(The guys are swimming,)
FCL2: okay, now you can get back to your poor friend.
(They gets up and goes away)
(Back at the cottage, Crystal is still singing along, and now she is pretending that she's playing guitar...)
(The guys enter the cottage)
Kyle: Hi Crys.
Stan: (Sarcastically) High fever?
(Crystal doesn't notice they're there!)
(Kenny pulls the headphones off her head)
Crystal: Huh? (sees the guys) Oh, hi guys!
Kenny: (Hello, can I have your autograph?! You see, my brother likes you...)
Crystal: Hey! Is there something wrong with singing along??? It's my favesong!
(Silence)
Stan: Yes.
(End part 1)