A girl, a boy and a fatass formERLY known as Eric Cartman by Hannah T
Hannah's note: This is my second fic, and it's the first fic with my very new character...*Tada* Crystal Nicole Roberts! Isn't that a great name? Uh, if you wanna know what she looks like, click here! (I promise she don't look like Mr.Garrison...)
(Intro and theme)
(Classroom.)
Mr.Garrison: Ok children, take your seats.
(The kids sit down. There's a girl standing in front of them with blond hair, light blue jacket, pink gloves and green pants.)
Mr.Garrison: Today is a very special day, we got a new student joining us today.
(The class stares blankly at Mr.Garrison.)
Mr.Garrison: Say hi to Crystal Roberts.
(The class stares blankly at them.)
Mr.Hat: You little bastards say hi or else I'll kill everyone in this room!
Class: Hi Crystal
Mr.Garrison: Ok, Crystal, why donīt you tell us a little about yourself?
Crystal: Uh...ok. Uh...
Mr.Hat: Go on, bitch!
Mr.Garrison: Now, Mr.Hat, be nice!
Where'd you come from?
Amy: A pissant little town in California.
Mr.Garrison: Oh, well, why donīt you kids ask Crystal about herself?
(Class stares blankly. Zoom of Kyle. He's looking at Crystal with heart in his eyes.)
(Wendy raises her hand.)
Mr.Garrison: Yes Wendy?
Wendy: Do you have a boyfriend?
Mr.Garrison: Wendy, no, I'M NOT GAY!
Mr.Hat: DETENTION FOR A WEEK!
Wendy: But--
Mr.Garrison: Now, Wendy, you pissed Mr.Hat of. And what do we do when we pissed someone of, Wendy?
Mr.Hat: KILL THEM!
Wendy: But, Mr.Garrison, I was asking Crystal!
Mr.Garrison: Oh.
Mr.Hat: Then fine, why doesn't Crystal get the detention instead of you?
Crystal: WHAT?
Mr.Garrison: Now, let's get back to the questions. Do you have a boyfriend, Crystal?
Crystal: Uh. No?
Bebe: (Whispers to Wendy) No! She's is stealing my cute-ass away from me!
(Cartman raises his hand.)
Cartman: Are you a hippie or something lame like that?
Crystal: Huh?
Cartman: You said you're from California, and my mom said itīs a lot of hippies and black people in California.
Crystal: No dude, Iīm not a hippie.
(Kyle is still looking at her. She looks at him. She smiles and giggles a little.)
Mr.Garrison: Well, Crystal, why donīt you sit down? You can have the desk over there.
(He points at the desk next to Kyle. She takes her seat.)
Crystal: Hi.
Kyle: Uh...Hi.
Crystal: Whatīs your name?
Kyle: Uh, Kyle?
Crystal: Oh.
(Silence.)
Cartman: I hate you, Jewboy.
(Silence)
Crystal: You're Jewish?
Kyle: Yeah.
Crystal: Cool. My God, Mr.Garrison is gay.
Kyle: I agree. Especially his puppet. Itīs pretty annoying, but you get used to it.
Crystal: Guess so.
(Shoot of the other guys.)
Cartman: (Whispering to Kenny) Oh no, not another hippie.
Kenny: (Shut up, Cartman, she is way cooler than you are.)
Cartman: No way, dude!
Stan: I really like that girl. She's cool.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Mr.Garrison: Ok, children, I want your report on Titanic in one week.
The bell rings.
(Cafeteria.)
Chef: Hello there, children.
Kids, except Crystal: Hi, Chef.
Chef: Who are you?
Crystal: Iīm Crystal
Chef: Oh.I'm Chef.Anyway, how's it going?
Kyle: Good.
Chef: Good?
Stan: Yeah, good.
Chef: Really?
Kyle: Yeah, itīs fine.
Chef: You donīt even have a little problem?
(They think.)
Kyle: Oh, we do have a problem.
Chef: What?
Crystal: We have to do a stupid report on Titanic.
Chef: Why donīt you rent the movie Titanic?
Kenny: (Is there any naked girls in there?)
Chef: Oh yeah. And it explains the whole things pretty much.
Kyle: Cool. We can rent it and watch it at my house tonight.
Stan: No, dude, I cant. I have to stay home, my parents are going to a stupid party and
Shelly is going to baby sit me.
Kenny: (I can't go, my family is going to grandma's house.)
Cartman: Iīm not watching a stupid hippie-movie with you, Jew!
(Long silence)
Kyle: You wanna come, Crystal?
Crystal: Uh, sure, dude. See you later.
(She starts walking away)
Kyle: Where are you going?
Crystal: I donīt have a place to sit at, so...
Kyle: You can sit with us.
Crystal: Thank you guys.
Stan: Uh, sure. No problems.
Cartman: I donīt wanna sit next to that hippie-Jew.
Kyle: You donīt have to, Fatty.
Cartman: Iīm not fat, Iīm big-boned.
Crystal: Is he always like that?
Kenny: (Yeah, but he shuts up when he f**k his mom)
Laughter
Cartman: Kenny! Iīm not f**king my mom! You are so immature!
Crystal: Well you act pretty much like a motherf**ker to me.
Kyle: His mom is a hermaphrodite.
Crystal: A what?
Stan: She got a penis.
Crystal: Dude, sick.
Kyle: Yeah.
(Ext. View of Kyle's house.
Int.view of Kyle's house.)
(The doorbell rings.)
(Kyle answers it.
Crystal is at the door)
Crystal: Hi, dude.
Kyle: Uh, Hi, uh...Crystal.
Crystal: I won't kill you.
Kyle: Huh?
Crystal: You donīt have to be nervous, Iīm not going to bite you.
Kyle: I know that. Let's watch the movie.
(Silence.)
(He looks at her.)
(She looks at him.)
(He looks at her.)
(She looks at him.)
(He looks at her.)
(She looks at him, looking tired of waiting.)
Crystal: So.... Shall we watch the movie now?
Kyle: Uh...sure.
(Ext. View of Stan's house.
Int. View of Stan's house.)
Shelley: Shhut up turdsh!
(The phone rings.)
(The screen split.)
(Kyle is the lower half.)
Stan: Hello?
Kyle: Stan?
Stan: No, Santa Claus. (He makes his voice darker) Hohoho!
Have you been a nice little boy this year, Kyle?
Kyle: Well, Iīm Jew---
Stan: (Normal voice again) Of course itīs Stan, dumbass!
Kyle (He apparently didn't know): I knew that.
Stan: So how did your "date" with Crystal go, dude?
Kyle: What date?
Stan: You know, with Crystal Roberts, the new girl with blond hair and light blue jacket and----
Kyle: Dude, we didnīt even have a date!
Stan: Sure.... Whatever...
Kyle: We just watched that stupid movie.
Stan: What was it about?
Kyle: A ship Sanken, almost all of the people onboard died becuz they didnīt
have enough lifeboats and they make a 3 hour long movie about it with a faggot named Leo...Leo...uh...Something? It sucked.
Stan: Oh.
Shelley (not seen): Get to sleep turdsh!
Stan: I've gotta go now, see you.
Kyle: Bye.
(The screen goes full to Stan's house again.
Shelley looks pissed off. She starts to beat Stan.
Stan screams.)
(Bus Stop - Next morning.)
Cartman: Crystal and Kyle were sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S----
Crystal: Shut up fat ass!
Cartman: Iīm not fat, Iīm big boned!
Crystal: In your dreams, fatty, in your dreams!
Cartman: Oh yeah? Thatīs it, hippiefreak, now Iīm pissed off!
(He tries to beat her up, but she beats him up. They fight. Finally, Crystal hit him in the head.
We see it from Cartman's point of view; suddenly everything goes black.)
(Later - Bus Stop.)
(We still see it from his point of view, and Stan's standing forward him.)
Cartman: Atreyu?
Stan: What?
Cartman: Atreyu?
Kyle: Dude, he's f**ked up.
Cartman: Falcor?
Kyle: No, dude, Iīm Kyle.
Stan: He was worst than I thought.
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: Where is she? We have to find her!
Crystal: Find whom?
Cartman: There you are!
(He runs towards Crystal and hugs her.)
Crystal: Ugh! Who the hell do you think you are?
Cartman: Iīm Bastion Balthazar Bux!
Kyle: Oh my god, he thinks he's in "The never-ending story"
(Dramatic chord)
Kenny: (What the f**k is wrong? Didnīt you f**k your mom last night or what?)
Cartman: Cairon?
Kenny: (WHAT?)
Cartman: You're Cairon, aren't you?
Kenny: (F**k no!)
Stan: We'd better get him to the hospital immediate.
Crystal: It wasn't supposed to be that hard!
Kyle: It's okay, Crystal, we hate him anyway.
Crystal: So you guys aren't pissed at me?
Kenny: (Hell no!)
Cartman: Must.... Find.... A... way... to... Fantasia! Must.... Help.... Moonchild!
MOONCHILD! I'M COMING!
(Ext. view of "Hell's pass hospital")
(Int. view of "Hell's pass hospital")
(We see a man with a knife in his left leg, it is bleeding badly)
(Shoot of the scamps, except for Kenny)
Stan: Ew...This is...
(He barfs)
Stan: ...gross.
Kyle: (To Crystal) He got a weak stomach.
Crystal: I see. Where is Kenny?
(Kenny walks towards them. He is dressed up in a doctors-dress.)
Kenny: (Hey, look what cool stuff I found!)
Cartman: Cairon! Where have you been?
Kenny: (to Stan) (Say "Ah!")
Stan: Uh, no thanks, Dr Cairon.
Voice: Eric Cartman?
(No response from Cartman)
Voice: Eric Cartman to the counselor's office!
Crystal: Come on, Bastion, It's your turn!
Cartman: My turn? Atreyu, don't leave me, ATREYU!
(The two guys from " Mr.Hankey the x-mas Poo" get Cartman)
Cartman: ATREYU! MOONCHILD! FALCOR! CAAAAAAIRON!
(The song "Help"- Beatles starts playing)
(The scamps sit on a couch, except Cartman. Kenny is still wearing the doctor outfit.)
(We see the area from above. The scamps running around; Kyle goes to a coffee-automatic, Stan runs into a toilet and barfs, Kenny is chasing Crystal until all four of them meets in the middle at the end of the song and all of them falls down.)
(The song stops playing)
Kyle: Ouch.
Crystal: My head hurts.
Stan: My head hurts too.
(He barfs all over the others.)
Kenny: (Ew!)
Crystal: Thanks a lot dude.
Kyle: Yeah thanks Stan. Now we smell like Cartman's socks.
(Laughter.)
Cartman: (O.S) MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONCHILD!
Crystal: Damn that kid is f**ked up!
Stan: I wanna get out of here!
(Nurse walks by)
Nurse: Are you here with Eric Cartman?
Scamps: Yes.
Nurse: Oh, congratulations! The little baby is so cute! You will be proud of him.
Kyle: What?
Nurse: Oh, excuse me! That was Erica Carter and her husband Harry. (Looks in the papers...)
Oh here! Eric Cartman: He will be done in an hour or perhaps two.
Crystal: What the hell is we supposed to do?
Nurse: Why don't you go visit the old people at second floor?
Crystal: Why should we?
Nurse: Oh, they like when people visit them for no reason.
Stan: Those people need to get a life.
(Doctor walks up)
Doctor: (to Kenny) ah, there you are! Are you Kenneth McAllen?
Kenny: (No)
Doctor: Good. Now it's time to get ready for the operation.
(He drags Kenny after him)
Crystal: No doctor! You make an awful mistake!
(Doctor whistles)
Crystal: We have to do something!
Kyle: Calm it down, Crys!
Stan: It's just Kenny!
Crystal: But, but --aren't you guys friends?
Stan: Of course we are! But that's rule number one in South Park - Kenny always dies.
Kyle: Yeah, and then he's back next week.
Crystal: But that can't happen!
Kyle: But it does. South Park isn't like other places on earth.
Crystal: (Sarcastically) Oh really?
(A counselor and Cartman sits in a room. The counselor looks like a woman-version of Mr.Mackey.)
Counselor: Mmkay, Eric.
(No response from Cartman)
Counselor: Who are you, mmkay?
Cartman: I'm Bastion Balthazar Bux.
Counselor: The one from "The never-ending story, mmkay?
Cartman: The one and only.
Counselor: You see Bastion, I don't think that you're Bastion.
Cartman: You will respect my ATHOURI-TAH!
Counselor: I don't think that Bastion says things like that.
Cartman: No, you might don't think that he does, but he does.
Counselor: I need to call your mother.
Cartman: My ma is dead
Counselor: Then I call your father, mmkay.
Cartman: Mmkay.
Counselor: Mmkay.
Cartman: Mmkay.
(Second floor.)
(To old ladies, I mean VERY old ladies, sit and drinks tea.)
Lady 1: I tell you Elizabeth, this earl gray tea is delicious.
Elizabeth: It sure is, Maureen.
Lady 1: My name is not Maureen.
Elizabeth: Did you say something, Maureen? You have to speak louder or else I won't hear you!
Lady 1: MY NAME IS NOT MAUREEN, IT'S HELEN.
Elizabeth: What?
(The door opens, Crystal, Kyle and Stan come in.)
Elizabeth: Oh, look Rose, isn't that my cute little girl. Connie, come here!
(Hugs Crystal)
Crystal: DUDE!
Nurse: No, Elizabeth , that's not Connie. Connie is dead don't you remember?
Elizabeth: She is not dead! I would remember the funeral if she were dead!
Helen: No Elizabeth, I think she is right. This is my daughter Jenny!
(Hugs Crystal.)
Crystal: Uh, excuse me ladies, but my name is Crystal, and I'm none of you ladies daughter.
Ladies: What?
Crystal: I'M NONE OF YOUR LADIES DAUGHTER!
Elizabeth: Oh. What were we doing before my little daughter came to visit me?
[End of the 1st part.]
Coming soon at Hannah T*s Fanatic SP world
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