Friendship sucks ass

Thanks to my new editor, Anna K!

(Ext. view of Crystal's house)
(Int. view of Crystal's house)
(The Roberts family including Kyle and Stan are looking out of the kitchen window.)
Mr. Roberts: Look! They got a fer-
Mrs. Roberts: Ssh! Not in front of the kids! Jealousy isn't good for them.
Crystal: Blah, blah, blah...
Mr. Roberts: I'm just saying that they have a Ferrari.
(A snowball hits the window)
Kyle: What the-?
(Doorbell)
(Crystal opens)
(A girl with brown hair, light purple coat, purple collar, gloves and pants.)
Crystal: Uh... Hi?
Girl: Oh, you see ma'am, I was the one that throwed a snowball at your window.
Crystal: "Ma'am"? God, you sound like Pip.
Girl: Pip?
Crystal: It's a guy in my school. He's a total melvin.
Girl: Well, that must be my ol'chap Phillip! Is his real name Philip Cunningham?
Crystal: No.
Girl: Oh, anyway, my name is Lindsay McKenzie! (Shakes Crystal's hand frenetically)
Crystal: Uh, 'kay. My name is Crystal. I guess you're the new neighbor.
Lindsay: Oh, how splendid to meet you! Crystal... What a beautiful name!
Crystal: Uh.... thanks I guess.
Lindsay: (Pointing at Stan and Kyle) Are those guys your brothers?
Crystal: No, they're my friends.
Lindsay: Oh. I guess that's it. I'm very sorry for throwing that snowball, me and my brother are from London, and it's not very much snow there at the winter, so we got like "Ah, SNOW!" and then we hit your window...
Crystal: Oh, it's okay.
(We hear a woman screaming "Lindsay!")
Lindsay: Oh, I have to go. Goodbye!
(The door closes.)
(Silence)
Mrs. Roberts: That sure was a nice little girl.
Crystal: Mom, she's a freak! Didn't you hear her? She's tAlking LIke ThIS.
Mrs. Roberts: Now Crystal, I'm sure she's a nice girl.
Crystal: Whatever. (To Stan and Kyle) Come on, let's got up to my room.
(They head upstairs)
(Bus Stop)
(The scamps stands at the bus stop talking about Lindsay.)
Kenny: (Was she hot?)
Stan: Well, she looked kinda normal, but she'd talk like a freak.
Crystal: Yeah, she TaLKS sO FUnnY, I DuNNo WhaT She DOEs With HEr VoiCe! It sounds like she has swallowed a package of vacuum-packed porridge.
Kyle: Isn't that how Danish people sound?
Crystal: No, they sound like they have swallowed porridge.
Stan: Is there a difference?
Crystal: Yeah, the Danish---
(Lindsay walks up to Crystal)
Lindsay: Hello Crystal!
Crystal: Uh... Hi... (Pause) Lindsay
Lindsay: Oh, are all those guys your friends?
Crystal: Uh... yeah.
(Silence)
Lindsay: Well, why don't you introduce me?
Crystal: Well, okay. This is Kyle, Stan and Kenny.
Lindsay: Oh, I meet those guys yesterday! It's soooo funny to meet you again!
(Cartman walks up to the scamps)
Cartman: Hey, who's that?
Lindsay: Why, hello! My name is Lindsay, what's your name?
Cartman: Uh... Eric Cartman, but they call me Cartman.
Kyle: Or fatass.
Cartman: AY! I'm not fat, I'm just wearing baggy jeans!
(Lindsay looks confused)
Lindsay: (Whispers to Crystal) What's a fatass, Crystal?
(Crystal looks annoyed and the bus drives up)
(Ext. View of South Park Elementary)
(Classroom)
(Lindsay stands in front of the class with Mr. Garrison)
Mr. Garrison: Okay children we have a new student joining us today, say hello to Lindsay McKenzie.... (low) Damn those fanficwriter bastards! I'm sick of those new kids...
(No response)
(Cartman raises his hand)
Mr. Garrison: What, Eric?
Cartman: Oh, nothing.
Mr. Garrison: Why did you raise your hand?
Cartman: I was stretching, that's all.
Kyle: Like you have any muscle's to stretch, fatso!
Cartman: Ay! That's the second time you insulted me! Next time I will kick your ass!
(Cafeteria)
(Crystal and Lindsay walks up to the counter)
Chef: Hello Crystal! Who's your friend?
Crystal: My *friend* *ahem* is Lindsay McKenzie. Uh, Lindsay, I have to talk with Chef about one thing, you can go find yourself a table, 'kay?
Lindsay: Of course, Crystal!
Crystal: Uh... great.
(Lindsay leaves)
Crystal: (hysterical) Chef, help me! She's making me crazy!
Chef: Well, I guess that if you help her feel welcome here she might find her own friends.
Crystal: Dude! It could take years! Who wants Lindsay McKenzie, the most annoying girl on this planet called earth as a friend? NOBODY!!! Nobody want's Lindsay as a friend, not even Pip!
(Pip walks up)
Pip: But Crystal, I want to be Lindsay's friend.
Crystal: Shut u-- Hey, what did you say?
Pip: I would like to be Lindsay's friend! I think she's an awfully nice girl. I can't see why they're so mean to her.
Crystal: Perfect! Come on Pip, we have stuff to do!
(She drags Pip from the counter.)
(Over to the guys)
Cartman: What the! Pip? Crystal? Impossible!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman, Crystal doesn't even like Pip.
Cartman: Oh yeah? Look at this!
(Kyle turns around - and gasps)
Kyle: Oh no dude! CRYSTAL!!!
(He gets up and runs over to Crystal)
Cartman: See Stan, I said you couldn?t trust Jewish people. They sucks ass.
Stan: Cartman. Let me say two words. Okay?
Cartman: What?
Stan: SHUT UP.
(They walks over to Kyle who are kicking Pip's ass. )
Kyle: Take this you stupid French piece of shit! (He punches Pip in the face)
Pip: But, Kyle, my ol' chap! You don't understand!
Kyle: This will teach you to not molest my girlfriend!(punches) Take this (punch) and these (punches) and this (punch)!!!!!
Crystal: KYLE! I need a serious talk with you.
(everyone stares at them)
Crystal: Private.
(All the people start eating again)
Crystal: Uh, Kyle.
Kyle: Yeah?
Crystal: Pip DIDN'T molest me.
Kyle: But you were..
Crystal: I was trying to get out of a sticky situation! Okay?
Kyle: What, Lindsay-trouble?
Crystal: Uh, yeah. I don't like her, but Pip does, so if I make them friends, I don't have to care a shit about Lindsay? See?
Kyle:... oh.
Crystal: And one other thing...
Kyle: What?
Crystal: Did you mean that?
Kyle: What "that"?
Crystal: "This will teach you to not molest my GIRLFRIEND".
Kyle: Uh... If you wanna be my girlfriend...
Crystal: Of course I wanna. I wanted that since I moved here!
Kyle: ...Oh, I didn't know that.
Crystal: No, but know you know.
Kyle: Oh, well... take your food and move over to our table?
Crystal: Sure.
(Classroom next day)
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children I got some good news for you! Lindsay is no longer in our class!
(Class cheers but Pip)
Mr. Garrison: She's moving back to London and will never come back! To celebrate this, you can all go home...
(Class cheers but Pip)
Mr. Hat: And write 96 pages about friendship!
(Bus Stop, the bus drops them of)
Stan: You see, I learn something today.
I learned that it's good being nice to you friends and stuff, but if you get too nice, you will act like a gay.
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: I learned something to!
Kyle: No you didn't! You never learn something.
Cartman: Shut up!(pauses) I learned that if you're a hippie, you sucks ass.
Stan: Uh Cartman?
Cartman: What?
Stan: That's not what this fanfic's about!
Cartman: Oh. Well, friendship sucks ass anyway.
(THE END.)