Banana Productions presents:

THE END OF THE WORLD

A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Nik

>>>>> Part 3: The End is Nigh! <<<<<

Daybreak was followed quietly by a spectacular sunrise.

Then that was followed loudly by a spectacular explosion.

The gods, hidden from the eyes of men, looked toward the distance and saw what they had long thought banished forever from this world: the Children of Apocalypse.

From the billowing smoke of their attack they came, striding arrogantly forward. As Crysanthmin said, they were a nightmare.

The storm had come.

*******************************

Ranma peered from the top of a tall tree, shading his eyes from the sun with a hand. "They're coming," he announced grimly.

Akane, on the ground below, looked toward Ryoga. He saw her gazing at him and smiled reassuringly.

"Don't worry, Akane," he said, "I've fought them before. They shouldn't be any trouble."

Akane smiled back at him. "I know, Ryoga," she said softly. She moved closer to him and laid a hand on his arm. "I'm glad you're here."

Ryoga cleared his throat, flushing. An insistent voice yammered at him, Go for it, tiger! Now's your chance! GOGOGOGOGOGOGO!!!

"A-Akane," he began, "you know I...I..." He clenched his fists, willing his courage to stop hiding under an imaginary bed in his consciousness.

She stared up at him. A gentle breeze ruffled her hair, and rays of sunlight enhanced her angelic features (at least to his eyes). She was so beautiful. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to tell her so.

Naturally, a heavy branch dropped on his head.

"WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA???" he bellowed, glaring at his rival. Ranma smirked from his perch above them.

"Sorry, P-chan," he said sneeringly. "Didn't see you there."

Akane rolled her eyes and punched the tree, causing her fiancé to fall on his head on the ground. "Honestly," she muttered. And just when Ryoga was about to confess his love for her, too.

She had known for a long time about Ryoga's crush on her; she'd have to be a complete and utter idiot not to see that he liked her. Still, Akane wasn't at all the aggressive type, ahem, ahem, so she was waiting for Ryoga to make the first move. If, however, Ranma were to confess his love for her first, then she'd go for him. It didn't matter who went first, really. But these guys were just too slow.

Hidden from their eyes, Nikita smiled and retracted the invisible threads of power that had been connected to Akane's mind.

Giggling softly, she made herself visible...that is to say, she materialized lying on top of Ranma, who was still on the ground.

"So sorry," she drawled, getting up with much arching of back and heaving of breast.

Ranma coughed. "S'all right," he managed weakly, trying desperately to forget the...sensations...the goddess had inspired.

Akane started glowing red. "You...you..." she growled, taking a step toward the blond.

Nikita pointed her finger at a random tree, which promptly exploded.

"Down, Bessy," she said, a hint of menace in her playful tone.

Ryoga and Ranma scratched their heads, unsure about what to do. On one hand, if Nikita and Akane were to fight, a lot of innocent trees were bound to get hurt. On the other hand, Nikita was bound to be really bouncy when she fought. Both guys tried to stop themselves from drooling at the thought.

Akane noticed their lecherous stares and slapped them both with a handy mallet. "You perverts!" she shouted. "What were you thinking about?!"

Nikita struck a pose. "Isn't it obvious, little girl?" she asked in a bored tone. "I am a magnificent figure. Hmp. One would think you, being Nabiki's sister, would have at least some brains, but I can see your IQ is about as impressive as your cup size."

Akane howled in rage and struck out with her fist, which the goddess dodged bouncily. The two young martial artists leaned forward with interest.

An unknown force hit all four people on the back of the head, and they turned slowly to find the cause. Zaphira Glared at them all.

"What is the meaning of this?" the Goddess of Nasty Glares seethed. "The end is coming and all you are concerned about are your petty squabbles?"

"Look who's talking," Nikita muttered under her breath.

Zaphira's eyes narrowed threateningly. "I suggest," she gritted out, "that you do what you're supposed to do, Nikita."

"In other words," Jamirah piped in, appearing in a spectacular fashion, "have an orgy!"

Nikita fell to her knees. "As you command, so shall it be," she breathed. Standing, she turned to Ryoga and Ranma and hauled them closer.

Akane went numb from rage.

--> orgy space for rent <--

And that was when the Children came.

*******************************

Ranma collapsed on the ground, utterly spent. A few feet away, Ryoga was still enjoying the attentions of the two sex goddesses, while the nasty one Glared at the world in general.

A shadow fell over him.

"Hello," a tall, well-muscled guy said cheerfully.

Ranma sat up. "Who're you?" he asked warily, noting the other figures surrounding him.

"We are the Children of the Apocalypse," replied a pretty brunette, eyeing him with a Nabiki look in her eyes.

"And we've come for you," growled a short, squat, and ugly dude, thrusting his face into Ranma's.

Ranma casually hit him in the face and stood up. "Yeah?" he asked arrogantly. "Ya think ya can?" (Note that Ranma gets an accent whenever his head gets filled with hot air, which originates from somewhere down there.)

"RANMA NO BAKA!!!"

One super Akane punch sent everyone's favorite transsexual into orbit. Huffing and puffing, Akane glared challengingly at the Children and slid into a fighting stance.

"Come to end the world, did you?" she asked menacingly. "Well, I've got news for you: I'M GONNA END YOURS!!!" With that oh-so-witty statement, she launched herself at them.

Far, far above, in outer space, Ranma waited patiently for a NASA spacecraft to run him over and send him back to earth.

Meanwhile, Nikita had finished with Ryoga and was surveying the battle with unconcealed glee. She clapped her hands happily and leapt into the fray.

Zaphira rolled her eyes and created an unbreakable force field so as to prevent having her outfit mussed. Jamirah spread a picnic blanket and lay down on it, tanning herself.

About two minutes later, all the combatants were either knocked out, dead, or participating in yet another orgy. The rest of the Council of the Gods decided now was a fine time to pop out of their hiding places and observe the scene from close-up.

Nerdstramus prissily adjusted his glasses and peered at a corpse, which, moments ago, was a live and really ugly dude. "Hmmmm," he murmured to himself, "death by heart attack." He glanced at the orgy. "One wonders why..."

Gribeau poked at a pretty brunette girl, lying unconscious on the ground. "Wake up," he purred. "I want to play, too..."

The girl blinked and looked up at him.

After about five minutes, Gribeau helpfully pointed out that she might just choke from her drool, at which point she struggled for some semblance of poise.

"What is your name?" the god asked.

"I'm User," she replied, staring at him hungrily.

"And who are the rest of your companions?"

She looked around. "The ones doing the dirty deed are Airhead, Atheist, Apathy, and Supersexy. The dead one over there is Loser. Hmp, good riddance."

Nerdstramus, having overheard, walked over and squatted down next to Gribeau. "I don't understand," he said. "I thought your names were War, Death, Famine, and Plague. What...what is all this? Who are you, then?"

User stood up and struck a pose. "We are the Children of the Apocalypse! We represent mankind's worst fears, mankind's worst traits! We are the people you meet on the street everyday! We are the ones that make life on this mortal plane a living hell! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!"

"We are those who have mastered the art if speaking entirely in exclamation points!" Jamirah snickered, sauntering over.

"That, too!" User declared. She assumed a Statue of Liberty pose. "I am User! I use and abuse people, without regard for their feelings, standing, and personhood! As long as I get what I want, nothing else matters!"

Ryoga, having fully recovered from Nikita's tender ministrations, shivered. "An evil, evil person she is," he said solemnly. Edging closer to them, he clasped his hands as though in prayer. "All of them are evil. I myself was evil once. I was called...Violent."

Jamirah laughed out loud.

Zaphira nudged the Lost Boy. "So introduce us to the rest of the gang," she urged.

"Better if they introduce themselves, don't you think?" Crysanthmin asked cheerily, then spazzed.

Zaphira sighed. "Great, good ol' Crys here ran out of batteries. Anyone got a Twix bar?"

Jamirah solemnly handed her one. Zaphira Glared at her, then exhaled loudly and fed some to Crysanthmin.

Nikita appeared from out of nowhere and sneered. "Next time, just give her a boot to the head. Anyway, if you wanted introductions, I could've provided them."

She walked back to the pile of exhausted evil martial artists and picked one up. "This," she began, shaking the large blond guy slightly, "is Airhead. He's got nothing, and I mean nothing, between his ears. The only comprehensible phrase he can utter is 'Hello'. The most complicated question he can handle is 'What is your name?'. He's a real...well, airhead. Gah." She shook her head in disgust and dropped him.

She nudged a tall, skinny guy with her boot. "This is Atheist. He doesn't believe in the Christian God, or Jesus Christ, or Allah, or Brahma, or any divine being for that matter." She snorted. "What an idiot. He despises religion, and goes out of his way to attack any person who's even slightly religious."

One of the Children stood up rather shakily and stared at the people around her with calm indifference.

"And who are you?" Gribeau asked her, smiling winningly.

She didn't even hyperventilate. "I am Apathy."

Nikita nudged her. "You have to say a bit more about yourself, I'm afraid."

Apathy shrugged slightly. "I don't care about anyone or anything. I don't watch TV, I don't surf the Web, and I don't read newspapers. I don't donate to charity, I don't greet my neighbors, and I don't go ga-ga over furry little animals."

Nerdstramus, Crysanthmin, Gribeau, Zaphira, Jamirah, and Nikita drew back in shock. Someone who didn't go ga-ga over furry little animals--! How utterly evil!

Crysanthmin put her head in her hands. "A nightmare, a nightmare," she moaned. Even Jamirah was speechless.

Ryoga stalked over and carefully turned over the last of the Children. "This," he whispered almost reverently, "is Supersexy. She's so unbelievably sexy that all males would die for her and all females hate her utterly. She represents those evil, evil supermodels who demean women by making the world believe that all women should be skinny and possess big boobs." He paused contemplatively.

"Stop fondling her," Nikita ordered, grinning. Ryoga blushed madly.

On the ground, Akane groaned. The Council of Gods stared at her for a moment, then promptly dismissed her from their minds.

"Something's missing from this picture..." Nerdstramus muttered.

"Sweeto!!!"

Crysanthmin shrieked as something glomped onto her chest and grabbed her bra. Then it moved on to Jamirah's bosom and stayed there.

"EVIIIIIIIIL!!!" Crysanthmin howled, sending an energy bolt toward the creature. Unfortunately, it dodged, so the Flaming Seductress got hit instead. She went, "Whoa..." and started walking wobblingly.

Ryoga gaped stupidly.

"Mistress!" Nikita shouted, then froze when Happosai latched onto her chest. She stared down at him with murderous eyes. "Pervert," she hissed.

Happosai happily rubbed himself against the goddess. "Didja miss me, sweets? I sure missed you!"

Ryoga roared and grabbed the old lecher, plucking him away from the enraged deity. "You dirty old man!" he shouted, pounding Happosai to the ground. "You should never have been freed!"

Akane, who had just regained consciousness, shook her head wryly. "Why am I not surprised that the old lech is one of the Children of Apocalypse?"

Happosai managed to escape the Lost Boy's grip and hopped onto a tree. Wiping at his eye, he said mournfully, "Ah, what a life this is, to be mistreated by the youth!" He jabbed a finger at the young martial artists. "You are also one of those who will end the world! The damage you do to dear Mother Nature when you fight will eventually cripple her!"

"Hel-lo!" Akane retorted. "At least we don't use as much plastic! Our stuff is biodegradable!"

"How many trees did you murder to build your dojo?" Happosai asked accusingly.

"I'd murder as many to build a coffin for you!" Akane yelled, shaking a fist.

Ranma finally landed in front of Akane and brushed himself off. "What is this?" he demanded. "Are we here to argue ecology or are we here to fight?"

Akane rounded on him, too. "And you!" she cried. "You contribute to the depletion of the ozone layer with all the hot air that comes out of your mouth!"

Ryouga applauded on behalf of anti-jerks everywhere.

Zaphira had had enough. With a mighty ROAR, she unleashed her most powerful attack on the world in general. Jamirah, stumbling about in a daze, got fried.

Couples and groups having sex suddenly stopped what they were doing and looked vaguely puzzled. Then they all put on their clothes and went home.

The Council of Gods were horrified.

"Zaphira," Nerdstramus whispered, "do you realize what you've done?"

"Yes," she replied, "I've just killed a cow. Deary deary me."

"You've killed the Goddess of SEX!" Gribeau cried.

Ryouga blinked, working out what they were talking about. "Erm," he began timidly, "does this mean that no one can have sex now that Jamirah's dead?"

Nerdstramus nodded grimly. Crysanthmin, who had assumed a Rei Ayanami aura when her friend goddess had died, continued staring at nothing in particular and making, like, profound comments about the sun and blood and stuff inside her head.

Nikita gripped Gribeau's arm. "Please say that...that..." she started sobbing brokenheartedly.

Gribeau patted her arm. "I'm afraid I can't bring her back, child."

Nikita rolled her eyes. "I wasn't talking about that! I was saying, please say that we can all still have sex!" She gasped in horror. "My power is weakening! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" She collapsed dramatically on the ground.

Akane was alarmed. "What is it? What's happening?"

Ranma swallowed. "I think I understand," he whispered. "The Sex Goddess is dead. That means no one can have sex anymore."

"And that means...we can't...reproduce..." Akane finished, her eyes wide.

Zaphira looked sheepish. "Um...ehehehe...well, isn't Gribeau a Sex God, too? You can do her job, right?"

Gribeau shook his head sadly. "She was the supreme goddess of sex. Even now I can feel my power weakening." He covered his face with his hands. "To think that one of our own has fulfilled the dread prophecy."

Crysanthmin started wailing.

Zaphira grinned weakly. "Er...er...I think...I hear someone calling me...excuse me..." She vanished in a puff of smoke.

"After her!" Nerdstramus yelled. The rest of the Council of Gods vanished in pursuit of the anti-Sex goddess.

Ranma sat down heavily. "This sucks."

Akane looked angry. "This can't be the end, can it? I mean, we can have sex without her, can't we?" She grabbed Ryouga's shirt. "Imagine me wearing a bikini," she ordered.

Ryouga looked down at his...you know. Nothing.

Desperate now, Akane unbuttoned her blouse and undid her bra. She...did some...stimulating things to her...you knows...but her...you knows...refused to be stimulated.

Ryouga...well, did something to that effect on his own...you know...but nothing happened.

Ranma shut his eyes and thought about the porno magazines under his mat. Then he peeked hopefully at his...you know...

Damn, nada.

"I can't have children..." Akane realized.

"Well, you'd have to be female to have children," the now-conscious Nikita said flippantly. Stretching luxuriously, she said, "Ahhh! The spell that Jamirah cast on me to make me obey her is gone! Now I am free! Now I can use my own brain! Goodbye, sexless world!" For the last time, she vanished in a puff of smoke.

Akane started weeping while the guys looked on helplessly.

In the Nekohanten, Shampoo looked blankly at the whip she was holding. Then her puzzled gaze turned to a naked Mousse tied to her bed, then to her Chinese-collared dominatrix outfit, and finally to the various...toys...scattered about the room.

"Mousse," she said, "what we just doing?"

"I don't know," the Chinese boy replied. "Would you untie me, please?"

All over the world, the word 'sex' (and all its non-English equivalents) was fading from the minds of humans and animals. Only trees remembered what it was, and this knowledge wasn't going to do anyone any damned good.

A hundred years later, the last human died.

TA-DAAAAAAAN! END.

Afterword: Trish made me write this.