The first time I saw Luzzu, I was thirteen and in the process of slitting my wrists. My village had been razed by Sin and I felt I had nothing to live for, found me by chance just in time. He tore the sash from his waist and pressed it over the wound so hard I was amazed even then at his strength, and then he slapped me and told me I was being a selfish ass. That was the only time in the years I knew him he ever hit me.

The first time I kissed Luzzu was the day the Crusaders were defeated at Djose - the day we lost Chappu. We had been in the tent the three of us shared, packing his things wordlessly, when our eyes met and suddenly I was in his arms. I was astonished he was kissing me, but I could never tell him to stop. Later on he insisted I had been the one kissing him.

The last time I saw Luzzu alive, I had been angry. I thought he was underestimating me, treating me like a child. I wanted to prove to him that I was a soldier. I wanted to prove it to myself. He looked at me with sad eyes, touched the cloth I kept tied to my left wrist to hide the scar, and told me that I had to trust him, and that he loved me. It was the only time the word "love" ever passed between us.

The last time I saw Luzzu, he was floating face up in the shallows on the Mi'ihen beach, with one arm and most of a shoulder ripped away and his green eyes empty. And that is the image of him that haunted me, that hovered in the back of my mind every time I closed my eyes.

And that was what I was trying to leave behind the day I finally traveled to Guadosalam, to the Farplane, to see him one more time. When Wakka found out I was leaving Besaid, and why, he insisted he come with me, although I didn't quite understand why at the time. We had both become so used to fighting Fiends in the past few months that the trip was fairly easy, but we rented chocobos on the Highroad all the same. Wakka knew I never wanted to see that beach again, and I appreciated it.

I had never visited the Farplane before, never seen the shimmering wall separating it from the rest of the world, the endless fields of flowers, the waterfalls tumbling into eternity, the shadow-rimmed moon gleaming flatly in the distance. But I took little time admiring the surroundings.

He appeared before me almost immediately, whole and perfect and smiling faintly, and I hardly noticed that he was floating in midair and I could see right through him and into the strange sky beyond. I talked to him. I told him that Sin had been destroyed forever, that the thing which had killed him would never kill again. I told him that the Crusaders were flourishing, that fiends would always exist but that we could protect the people. And I told him that I loved him, that I was sorry our last words had been in anger. That I wished I could be with him. That sometimes, when the heat of afternoon had departed with the sun, I would lie shivering on my cot and wish his arms were around me. It's true, even now. Even after all this time, after all I've tried...

And in that moment it suddenly seemed so clear that I needed to be there beside him, needed to touch him and hear his voice. So I did the only thing, then, that seemed to make sense. I took a step closer, and another, and stepped right off the rocky ledge and into him.

And I was falling, impossibly fast. The wind and the water howled in my ears and suddenly I could smell those strange flowers, and their fragrance was sweeter than anything I'd ever known, so sweet it filled my lungs and left me breathless and crying. It was warm, so warm, and a glow was surrounding me, the songs of the pyreflies filling my head until suddenly their strange voices somehow became his.

"Not yet, Gatta. Not yet."

And then I was back on the platform, on my hands and knees, with Wakka pulling me to my feet.

"What do you think you're doing!" he exploded, pulling me into an embrace that forced the air from my lungs. "You just about gave me a heart attack! Weirdest thing I ever seen..." He loosened his hold just slightly, and I slipped away a few steps, feeling dizzy.

"What... what happened?"

"You stepped right off the edge, ya? Why'd you wanna do a thing like that anyway?"

"I..." But he continued on.

"I thought you were dead for sure, but then this whole bunch of pyreflies showed up, and sorta floated you back." His brown eyes turned warm and serious, and I suddenly felt horribly guilty, as selfish as Luzzu had accused me of being all those years ago. I didn't realize I was trembling until Wakka's hands were on my shoulders.

"You know he wants you to live, Gatta. He died so you could live, ya? And I know it hurts, but you gotta just keep on going." He took a breath and stepped back, turning away again. I touched the ribbon at my wrist, gently, then gave the end a quick tug with my right hand, pulling it free and staring at the white scar that was still so visible. Of course he was right. They were both right. I was being selfish. I wiped my eyes with the cloth, put my lips to it once, and then let it go, watching it float away with the pyreflies and feeling oddly free.

It was an unexpected feeling, and I suddenly felt very tired. I turned back to Wakka, who was standing with his back to me, staring silently at the figures of Chappu and Tidus floating side by side. And suddenly I realized that I had never really been alone after all.

*****

Song: Underneath It All
Artist: Nine Inch Nails

all i do, i can still feel you
all i do, i can still feel you
all i do, i can still feel you
all i do, i can still feel you
all i do, i can still feel you
numb all through, i can still feel you
hear your call, underneath it all
kill my brain, yet you still remain
crucified, after all i've died
after all i've tried, you are still inside
all i do, i can still feel you
all i do, i can still feel you
all i do, i can still feel you
all i do, i can still feel you
all i do, i can still feel you
all i do (you remain), i can still feel you (i am stained)

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