Now. I think of this story as lemonade, ie: sweet rather than graphic...you might disagree.
(Hnece this little warning. If you don't know what a lemon is...go look it up before you read
this.) This was the first story I wrote in the Shojo Kakumei Utena universe. I hope you enjoy it.
As always, the characters are not mine (in this case they belong to Saito Chiho and her
collaberaters,) but the story is. Please send all comments to me. I'd love to hear from you. Once
again, enjoy! 

                               Feelings
                                An Utena Fanfic 
                                 (Lemonade) 
                                by Ilana Tavan

My Engaged is sleeping. Today she fought for me, defended me against Saionji-senpai. My
Engaged protected me. Now that my Engaged is Utena-sama, I feel different. I have changed
hands before, but never have I belonged to a woman. Never has my Engaged wanted me to call
her by her name, without an honorific. Never has my Engaged wanted to become my friend or
been concerned with my feelings. 

Do I have feelings? I never needed them before. Maybe I had them but did not notice?
Utena-sama seems to think I need them and have them, so I must, but I do not quite understand
what they are. Is it the quickening of my heart when my Engaged is fighting? Is it the blood that
rushes to my face when she talks to me? Is it the need to see her every morning, see her smile at
me when I greet her? Is it the desire to hide when she criticizes me? The loneliness when she is
gone? Is it wanting to do everything possible in the world to make her happy? 

I noticed her before I knew her name. At that time, my whole life revolved around my Engaged
and his wishes. Saionji-senpai was my Engaged then. He was very jealous of my every move. I
was not supposed to look at anyone else, but I saw her. She reminded me of someone I knew
once. She got angry when he hit me, though it was his right as my Engaged. Then, when they
were fighting for me that first time...he was going to kill her. He had a real sword, with a real
blade. He was angry. She only had a mostly-destroyed bamboo practice sword. When they
charged, I was sure he would win, for he was my Engaged and could not lose. I was sure I find
her bleeding and dying on the ground, struck as much by his jealousy as anything else. There is
not supposed to be bloodshed on the battle-field. 

She became my Engaged, and my life has changed. I am allowed to look at others. In fact, I am
encouraged to make friends, as if Chu Chu doesn't count, though I have no idea how I am
supposed to go about it. She talks to me in ways no one else ever has. She is concerned about
me. She does not touch me in a slimy, proprietary way, nor does she hit me. I want to make her
happy, unlike with Saionji-senpai when my goal was to not make him angry. I want to make her
happy, unlike with Luka-senpai when I tried to keep him healthy and strong. I want to make her
happy, unlike with Touga-senpai when I tried to be as invisible as he wanted me. I want to make
her happy. Is that a feeling? Wanting to do something for her? 

Perhaps if I were to kiss her... 

But, no. I cannot think like that. Though she is my Engaged, she is a woman. She would not want
me that way. She has her dream Prince. Though how she can both be a prince and love one is
hard for me to follow. I have not known her for very long. Maybe she will explain it to me. She
seems to like talking. Maybe she will change. If I change for her, maybe she will do the same for
me? But that's also an odd thought. My Engaged does not change. She is perfect. Wanting her to
change would be like wanting a new Engaged, which I do not. 

She sighs in her sleep and I resist the urge to stand and smooth her hair away from her face.
Though if it would make her happy... 

***

"So this Rose Bride thing has been going on how long?" We are eating breakfast alone in the
large East Hall dining room. 

"Would you like some more tea, Utena-sama?" I hold up the pot. 

"I said before, Utena is fine." I pour the tea. "What about the Rose Seal stuff? How many people
have these rings?" She holds up her left hand to show me the ring I have known all my life, the
one with the mark of a rose, the mark of my Engaged. 

"All of the Duelists have the Rose Seal." 

"And they are?" 

"Ara, Chu chu, don't eat only jam." I pull Chu Chu from the jam pot. In the distance, a school
bell is ringing. 

"Come on, Himemiya. We've got to get to class." She pulls my arm and leads me to the door. I
pick up my school bag and follow her. "We'll finish this conversation later." 

"Hai, Utena-sama." My smile fades as she turns from me. I want to tell her all she wants to
know. I want to share with her my past, but I cannot. Though she is my Engaged, there are some
things I cannot tell her. Some memories I cannot awaken. If she knew all there was about me, if
she knew my past...she would not like me. She would not want to be my Engaged. I cannot bare
that thought, even after less than a week being with her. I want to be hers for a long time. I want
to make her happy. 

***

"You see, Tenjou. There is no such thing as a miracle!" Utena-sama's sword flies from her hand.
Jury-senpai is standing over her with her sword at Utena-sama's breast. She will become my
new Engaged tonight. "It has been decided." She takes a step forward, raises her sword for the
strike. I do not want to watch, but I cannot close my eyes. I am the Rose Bride. I must see the
final stroke. 

"I won?" Utena-sama asks. She says it as if she does not believe in the possibility. Jury-senpai
is wrong. Her flower is pinned to the ground by Utena-sama'a sword. 

"One day they will know your feelings." I extend a fresh flower to Jury-senpai. She refuses my
gift and walks away. Utena-sama rises. 

"Did what I think just happen actually happen, Himemiya?" 

"Jury-senpai lost, Utena-sama." 

"Yeah, I know, but why would she want to fight me for you?" 

"I am the Rose Bride." 

"Has she...?" 

"She did not win when she fought the last time." Utena-sama sits on one of the crenalations of
the edge of the battlefield. She motions me to join her. 

"Has Touga won?" I nod. "What about Mikki?" I shake my head. "Obviously, Saionji did, and
you said Arisugawa-senpai hasn't...But I still don't understand why." She slips to the ground at
my feet, leans her head against my skirted legs. 

"You are tired, Utena-sama." 

"She looked me over like no other girl ever has, Himemiya." She rolls her head up to look at
me. "She looked at me as if I were a man." Her head falls again. Her back is warm through my
skirt. "She looked at me as if I were a beautiful woman and she a prince, or something." 

"You are a beautiful woman, Utena-sama." 

"She looked at you like that, too, you know. I saw it." I feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. Why
would that statement cause such a reaction? I glance down to see if Utena-sama has noticed, but
she is dozing. I slip from the rock to sit on the ground beside her. I cradle her head in my lap.
Night is falling. The lights of the floating castle are changing, becoming more colorful to
compensate the dark sky. I have always loved the castle at night. I stroke Utena-sama's hair as
she sleeps, watching the flickering lights. 

***

I am warm. Utena-sama's arms are around me. We are curled together on the ground. Her legs
are wrapped around mine, tangled in the long folds of my dress. Her head is resting on my
shoulder, her breath soft against my neck. The castle lights are mostly out. I must have fallen
asleep. I hold her closer to keep her warm. 

"Ne, Himemiya..." Her voice is soft, as if waking up from a dream. "Where are we?" She lets go
of me to stretch, but when she finishes, her arms are around me again, tighter than before. "Are
we alone? I though I heard something." 

"We are still above the forest, Utena-sama. There is no one else here." 

"I thought she was going to kiss me, Himemiya." She buries her face into my neck. "Part of me
was glad she didn't, but the other part..." Her hand has caught in my hair. She is pulling out the
hair pins. I let my hands rest on her back, one moving back and forth slowly. She shifts again,
settling herself on top of me, untangling her legs from the dress to get a better grip of mine. 

"The other part?" 

Though her lips are brushing my ear as she speaks, I can barely hear her. "Himemiya, what does
it mean, Rose...Bride?" She hesitated before that last word. Does she not want the answer?
Does she have one in mind? "Is it as half of a married couple?" There is longing in her voice.
My hair is down, the pins lost on the ground where she tossed them aside. 

"Did you like the way she looked at you, Utena-sama?" 

"I wanted you to look at me that way." There is a warmth flowing in my body now, brought by
her words, by her touch. Perhaps kissing her would make her happy. "Ne, look at me?" I turn to
her and open my eyes. Her eyes are wide and blue, even in the dark. She is crying. I move a few
inches and kiss the tears on her cheeks. Before I finish she tilts her head up to intercept me with
her lips. I must taste salty to her, my mouth wet with her own tears. She takes my head in her
hands and holds us closer as we kiss. She is bursting into me, filling me with her strength. 

"It was you, Anthy," she whispers. "You smell like roses." 

"I am the--" Her lips are on mine again. Fire is moving through me. Never have I been kissed
like this. Never have I wanted so much. 

I am kissing her neck, pulling off her jacket. She is moaning, slithering out of her tank-top,
struggling with her shorts. My hand finds wetness. Exhilaration. Joy. She arches into my hand,
her body demanding more. 

"Yes, right there...yes..." she gasps. She shudders. She pulls me down on top of her, grabbing my
leg again to rub against it, slower now. There is a pause. Her hands are under my dress...for the
first time I thank Dios that my outfit did not come with under-clothes. I am the one gasping now,
moaning, sighing. How did she learn to do that? It doesn't matter. I have wanted this for a while.
Didn't I want to kiss her that first day? 

I am feeling so much. The touch of her hair on my neck as she kisses me, her fingers as they
explore every part of me, the sweat that beads on my skin, the heat in my belly that suddenly
explodes white-hot behind my eyes. For a moment there is nothing in my world but rushing
blood, new sensations. Every hair on my body is super-sensitive, standing on end. She gave that
to me. She taught me how to feel. My Engaged. My lovely one. My protector. My Utena-sama. 

She is trying to burrow under my dress. "We need a blanket or something. Can two fit under
here?" I undo the front buttons and she pops up in front of me, grabbing me in her arms. I pull her
jacket over her naked shoulders. "I guess this will do." She curls herself around me again. With
one more deep breath and a contented sigh she is asleep, already snoring lightly. 

"You were wrong, Jury-senpai. There are such things as miracles. I can make her happy..." I
close my eyes and listen to Utena-sama's breath. I touch her gently with my newly sensitive
fingers. "...and I can feel." 

Fin.