Shoujo Kakumei Utena

                         WHAT IS DONE

                              by

                         Alan Harnum

Utena and its characters belongs to Be-PaPas, Chiho Saito, 
Shogakukan, Shokaku Iinkai and TV Tokyo.

* * *

You have to understand, it isn't that I have any especial hatred
for cats.

     I'm not very fond of animals in general.

     I've had some bad experiences with them.

     Don't ask.

     Not that you could ask.

     After all, you're only a kitten.

     A cute little tabby kitten.

     A harmless little tabby kitten.

     I think Oniisama likes you.

     Not the same way he liked the other kitten, though.

     He has a better pet now.

     Which is why I'm the one feeding you.

     Won't you drink your milk?  

     I poured it for you.

     Is that why you won't drink it?

     Do you know what I am?

     Do you know what I did?

     Animals, I've heard, can sense earthquakes before they 
happen.

     Maybe they can do the same kind of thing with people.

     Why are you crying like that?

     Do you miss Oniisama?

     Do you want to know why he's ignoring you, when he was so
enamoured of you before?

     Poor little thing.

     I can sympathize.

     I can understand.

     Come back here.  Drink your milk.  Don't you like this tuna?
I opened the can just for you.  Aren't you hungry?  You aren't 
very old.  Perhaps you aren't old enough to be away from your 
mother.

     That's just the kind of thing she'd do, the horrible girl.  
Taking an animal away from his mother before he was ready.  
Taking it away from the siblings who love it.

     I hate her.

     He was in her room last night.

     I wondered why he had the servants air out the guest room a 
few days ago.

     He was in her room last night.  I know.  I listened.  I was 
in the hall outside.  I heard his footsteps in the hallway; it 
always wakes me when he moves around at night. 

     Big brother doesn't know how much I follow him, how much I 
watch him.

     I listened.

     Or maybe he does know, and doesn't care.

     Where are you going... come back here!  Don't hide under 
there, you'll get all dusty... yes, that's right.  Drink your 
milk.

     I listened.  She never made a sound.  Oniisama did.

     Does he really like that?

     I don't see how anyone could like... that.

     It's nasty and dirty.

     I bet it hurts.

     It probably hurts a lot.

     I don't want to think about it any more.

     You drank that milk fast, didn't you?  Don't you like tuna?  
I thought cats were all supposed to like tuna.  I hate tuna.  I 
opened this can for nothing.  Now I'll have to throw it out.

     I wonder what Oniisama was doing by the incinerator a few 
days ago?

     I don't think he knows I saw him burning something.  I don't 
know what it was.  After he left, I was going to run and check.  
But Arisugawa-sempai got there first.

     I wonder why she was watching Oniisama.

     I bet she's secretly in love with my brother.  That's why 
she doesn't have a boyfriend.  She probably only ran for student
council to try and get closer to my brother.

     She'll be sorry if she comes between me and my brother.

     Why did she walk away from the incinerator looking angry?

     I wonder what Oniisama was burning?

     By the time I got there, there were only ashes left.

     I didn't want to go to school today.

     I didn't go yesterday, either.

     Tenjou Utena beat me.  I want to kill her.

     My brother beat her.  I'm glad he beat her.  But he brought 
the Rose Bride home.  

     He was in her room last night.

     I listened.

     I don't want to think about it any more.

     I hope it hurt her a lot.

     But she never made a sound.

     Maybe it hurts her so much that she can't even cry out.

     I hope so.  I hope it hurts her that much... hey!

     Don't do that.  You'll tear the epaulettes.  They aren't for 
playing with.

     I don't even know why I'm still wearing this uniform.  It's 
a little tight in places.  Big brother should have asked me for 
my measurements before he had it made.  But that would have 
ruined the surprise.

     If I'm going to keep on wearing it, I should have it 
refitted.

     I'm going to keep on wearing it, because Oniisama gave it to
me.  I'm going to keep on wearing this ring, too, because 
Oniisama wants me to.

     I would do anything for Oniisama.

     It's only right.

     No one loves him like I do.  No one ever could love him like
I do.  Who has known him longer, who has loved him longer, than I
have?  It's only fair.

     Anyone who comes between me and my brother will be sorry.

     I said, don't do that... here, look.  String.  Cats like to 
play with string, don't they?  Come on, get the string... no, not 
the decorative cord, the string!  Now you've pulled it loose... 
hold on... stop that!  Bad kitty!  

     Oh, you can't understand me anyway.

     I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout.

     You're too little to understand what you've done wrong.

     I wonder if he'll go to her room again tonight.

     I'll have to follow him and listen if he does.  I can do 
nothing but.

     If Tenjou Utena or someone else beat Oniisama in a Duel, 
they'd take the Rose Bride away from him.

     But I don't want Oniisama to lose.

     When we were little, we used to play checkers together.  My
brother always won.  I wasn't very good.  I thought Oniisama
would like a challenging opponent better.  So I practiced on my
own.  I made the servants play games with me.  One time, I even
got Daddy to play a game with me when he was home from one of 
his trips.

     I got too good, though.  After I beat Oniisama once, he 
never wanted to play again.

     It was all my fault.

     I feel like something's being ripped apart inside me, like 
someone's taken my heart in both their hands and is trying to
pull it into two pieces.

     I don't want to think about it any more.

     I'm going to go for a walk by the river.

     Would you like to come with me?

     No, I guess not.  You can't walk a cat like you do a dog.

     Does Oniisama just let you wander around the house?

     Where does he keep your litter box, anyway?

     I don't want to have to take care of you.  I don't even know 
why I'm doing it.  

     You should be grateful.

* * *

It's very sunny.

     How dare it be sunny, when I'm so sad, and how dare the 
river be so bright and clean?

     It's not fair.

     No one cares how I feel.

     Sometimes, I think even Oniisama doesn't care how I feel.
     
     He's just sitting in the drawing room, listening to his
records.  And to a recording of his own voice.  Over and over
again.

     He doesn't respond when I try to talk to him.
     
     I hate Tenjou Utena more than anyone else in the whole
entire world.

     You're very quiet.  I wonder if you're asleep in there.  It
must be hard to sleep in a box like that, while you're being
carried.

     Nobody is around.
     
     It's only seven-thirty, but already it's so bright.
     
     I don't even know why I brought you with me.
     
     Maybe there's a pet shop I can give you away to.
     
     Or I could just let you go in the park.  After that, I'm not
responsible for what happens to you.

     It's not you.
     
     Really, I almost like you.
     
     You're nice.  For an animal.
     
     I'm going to sit down on the banks of the river, on the sun-
warmed concrete banks, and take you out of your box.  And then...

     I don't know what, then.
     
     It's not you.
     
     It's just that nothing can come between my brother and I.
     
     No matter how small, no matter how innocent.
     
     You are asleep.
     
     How small you are.
     
     I can feel your heart beat against my hands like the wings 
of a bird.

     How small you are.
     
     When you open your eyes, it's as though you're seeing the
sun for the very first time.

     Someone is approaching.
     
     How small you are.
     
     "Good morning, Miki-kun."
     
     "Nanami-san; good morning."
     
     Miki looks so surprised to see me.  He's got a paper bag 
of groceries in his arms, with a loaf of French bread poking out
the top.

     "Do you always get up this early on holidays, Miki-kun?"
     
     Miki has a nice smile.  "I sometimes get up early on 
weekends and holidays so I can go out and get fresh food to make 
a special breakfast for Kozue-chan and I... hey, is that the 
kitten Himemiya-san gave Touga-sempai for his birthday?"

     I can't say it isn't; the question is merely rhetorical.
Miki knows it's the same kitten, of course.  

     What is he thinking?
     
     Does he wonder why I'm sitting here with you in my lap, with
a cardboard box beside me?

     Does he know what I am?
     
     Does he know what I did?
     
     Miki-kun might.  He's smart.  Maybe almost as smart as 
Oniisama.  He shows it more, too; I end up feeling dumb just
talking to him, most of the time.

     He's cute, too.  And he plays the piano beautifully.
     
     But he's weak.  Not strong like my brother.  He's still just
a boy.  My brother is a man.  And Miki's in love with that witch
Himemiya; he has incredibly poor taste, then.

     I don't like his sister, either.  Whenever she and Miki are
together, if I even say "hello" to Miki, she looks at me like 
I've done something awful.  I don't understand it at all.

     Is he going to ask me what I'm doing here with you?

     Instead, he just sits down beside me, and holds a finger out
for you to bat at.  Miki-kun has lovely fingers; long and strong
and agile.  I'd watch him play the piano just to see his fingers
move.
     
     "He's so cute.  Were you taking him for a walk, Nanami-san?"
     
     Yes; a walk.  Thank you, Miki-kun; you gave me an answer.
Did you do it on purpose?  I can't ever know; you're so much
smarter than I am.

     Do you know what I am?
     
     Do you know what I did?
     
     "Can I hold him?"
     
     Of course you can hold him.  You can have him, if you want.
But I can't say that out loud.

     "So cute... hey, that tickles.  Wasn't that a thoughtful
present for Himemiya-san to get Touga-sempai?"

     You know what my answer is without my needing to speak, 
Miki-kun, so why should I bother.  Does my silence make you
uncomfortable?  You hate conflict so much.  You really don't
understand why everyone shouldn't be nice to everyone else, do
you?

     And you never will.
     
     You're so weak.
     
     "You don't like Himemiya-san very much, do you, Nanami-san?"
     
     "No, I don't."
     
     How you wince at that, Miki-kun; at my words, at my tone, at 
the look upon my face.  It's as if I've stabbed you right in your
inmost heart.  

     "I wish you could get along with Himemiya-san and Tenjou-
sempai better, Nanami-san.  It would be nice if you could be a
good friend to Himemiya-san... it would make me very happy."

     So soft, so sad... oh, Miki-kun, so sweet, so weak.
     
     "They're both such weird girls.  I don't understand how
anyone can like them at all."

     It's so easy to hurt you with a word, Miki-kun.  I could cut
you so deep, right to the bone, and you'd never even strike back
against me, would you?

     "Here; hold him again, would you?"
     
     The kitten fell asleep in Miki's arms.  How small he is, if 
Miki-kun's arms are big enough for him fall asleep in.

     "Would you like some apple?"
     
     "Yes.  I'm kind of hungry."
     
     As if I never said anything to hurt you at all.  I wonder
where all that hurting goes for you?  I could never keep it all
inside, like you must.  Perhaps it comes out when I don't see; I
don't believe that's possible, though.  You couldn't have a dark
side.

     You buff the apple on his shirt until it glows crimson, 
bite into it once, then pass it to me.  Sweet and crisp; my
mouth is upon the flesh, where once your mouth was.  An indirect
kiss?

     If I said that out loud, you would blush red as this apple.
     
     You're such a boy.
     
     "You know, if you're going to take Touga-sempai's kitten for
walks in the future, you should get him a cat leash.  I saw them
in a pet store, once."

     "I'm just taking care of him for a little while."
     
     "Oh.  How is Touga-sempai, by the way?"
     
     Can I be honest with anyone about that?  No; not even you,
Miki-kun.  I can't risk exposing a weak point in my brother to
anyone; even to you.  "He's fine."

     "How are his efforts to get Kyouichi-sempai readmitted 
going?"
     
     "Fine."
     
     I can't blame Kyouchi-san for what happened.  He's 
Oniisama's friend.  He would never do something like that on 
purpose.

     It was all Tenjou Utena's fault.
     
     I hate her so much.
     
     "Are you okay, Nanami-san?"
     
     "What makes you ask that?"
     
     "I don't know."  But you do, of course.  "You just seem...
distracted.  Another bite?"

     "I'm just wondering what's going to happen next."  The
apple is finished; I toss it away into the river, where it bobs
slowly upon the turgid flow.

     "Nanami-san, we should have thrown that away in a compost
bin."  Your voice is not quite chiding; you could never bear to
get truly angry at anyone, could you, Miki-kun.  

     "A fish will eat it."
     
     "Do fish eat apple cores?"
     
     "I bet a big one would."
     
     The apple core bobs, sinks.
     
     "I'm wondering what's going to happen next too.  Now that 
we, that is, the Council members and you, have faced Tenjou Utena
in a Duel... what next?"  So pensive you look... it doesn't suit
you.  You're too young.  "What is coming next from Ends of the
World?"

     "Miki-kun... who is Ends of the World?"
     
     "None of us know... Ends of the World sends the letters 
that instruct is in the proper ways of the Revolution?"

     "What is the Revolution?"
     
     "None of us really know.  Ends of the World tells us that
whoever brings the Revolution will gain great power."

     "And you believe Ends of the World because...?"
     
     "Everything Ends of the World tells us in his letters has
come true so far.  The Arena, the castle in the sky... these are
miraculous things."

     "What would you do with that power, Miki, if you attained
it?"

     Such nervous laughter.  To attain that power, you must
fight... and you hate fighting, don't you?  So weak.

     "I haven't really thought of it."  But you have, I know you
have.  "I suppose I'd make everything more beautiful than it is
now.  What about you?"

     "I don't even know.  I only Dueled because Oniisama wanted 
me to."  What a lovely dream you live in, Miki-kun... to make 
everything more beautiful.  Could that be my dream, as well?

     No.
     
     Some things can never be beautiful.
     
     Some things don't deserve to be beautiful.
     
     "You're really devoted to your brother, aren't you, Nanami-
san?"

     "I am.  But you're the same way about your sister, aren't
you, Miki-kun?"

     Why do you look so uncomfortable?  
     
     "I don't think I feel the same way about Kozue-chan that you
feel about Touga-sempai, Nanami."

     Why do you say it like that?
     
     "Oh?  And how exactly do I feel about Oniisama that's so
different from how you feel about Kozue-san, Miki-kun?"

     "Kittens sure sleep a lot, don't they?"
     
     So weak.
     
     "Yes, they certainly do."
     
     Click.  
     
     What is with that stopwatch, anyway?  Someday, I'll have to 
corner you and ask you--and not let you go until you give me a 
straight answer.

     "Kozue-chan will be wondering where I am."  So apologetic;
as if you really do hate to go.  But you're relieved, aren't you?
Though you try not to show it.  "I should go."

     "Miki-kun, before you go..."
     
     "Yes, Nanami-san?"  You're already on your feet, with the
groceries in your arms.  So eager to leave.  It hurts me, almost.

     "Do you think someone can do something so bad that it can
never be forgiven?"

     I don't even know why I asked that.
     
     "I suppose it depends on who they need to be forgiven by."
You look at me thoughtfully; I've never seen you look at me like
that before, as though I were deep waters for you to gaze into.

     I like it.
     
     "What do you mean?"
     
     And you sit back down again.
     
     "Well, I think there's two kinds of forgiveness: the
conditional kind, and the absolute kind.  You can give yourself
the first kind, and so can other people... but it's never
absolute.  Absolute forgiveness can only be given by... I don't
know.  The Universe.  God.  Natural Law.  Karma.  Choose your own 
metaphysical absolute."  You laugh; I don't understand why it's
funny, but if I laugh along, will you not think I'm so dumb?

     "There's a difference, too, between being forgiven and being
forgivable.  Just because you can't forgive yourself now, or
people can't forgive you now... that doesn't mean that in the
future, you won't be forgiven."

     "That's not what I was asking, though."
     
     "Oh?  What were you asking, then?"
     
     "Can someone do something so bad that it can never be 
forgiven?"

     "That's a hard question."  You purse your lips and close
your eyes, as though you're going to lean in for a kiss.  But
you're only thinking; I know that.  "I don't think I can answer
it comfortably.  Do I think unforgivable actions exist?  I don't
know.  Every action has to be considered within its context to
establish its morality... I think.  But... I don't know.  I 
can't think of any situation where hurting a little child, or a
harmless animal would be... right."  

     Oh, Miki-kun, you do know how to cut me after all.

     Do you know what I am?
          
     Do you know what I did?
     
     You go on.  So deep and so clean that's there's no blood,
so you don't even notice.

     "But forgiveness isn't really about morality; it's about 
compassion.  It's not as though people can go back and change the
things they did, and I can't stand to think of someone having to
suffer forever for what they did, no matter what it is.  It's 
less about the one being forgiven than it is about the one who 
forgives.  So, no, I don't think someone can do something so bad
that it can never be forgiven.  By themselves, by others, or 
by--"

     "Their own personal metaphysical absolute."
     
     I said something right, because you laugh, and your eyes
catch the sunlight and gleam.  So cute.  Such a boy.  So sweet.
So weak.

     "Anyway... I really have to go now.  I've got to make
breakfast for Kozue-chan and I, and then I have some research to
do in the Nemuro Memorial Hall archives.  I'll see you around, 
Nanami-san."

     "Bye, Miki-kun."
     
     You shine so bright.
     
     So much brighter than I.
     
     You don't know what I am.
     
     You don't know what I did.
     
     I'm glad for that.
     
* * *

"Oniisama, I brought your kitten."

     The room is full of music slow and sad.  Oniisama is in his
chair.  He has the servants bring him food.  I assume he must
leave when I go to school sometimes; he has to wash and use the
bathroom, after all.

     "I thought it might cheer you up."
     
     He takes you without a word and holds you on his lap.  His
hands stroke your fur listlessly.     
     
     "What are you listening to?  It's very sad."
     
     "You know, maybe if you listened to some happier music, 
you'd feel better.  This is all... slow and depressing."

     You curl up in his lap.  You're so small.  You fit there
just perfectly.  I'm jealous.
     
     "Would you like to borrow some of my pop albums?  They 
sometimes make me feel better, when I'm depressed."
     
     "Maybe you should open the curtains, too.  Let some sun in."
          
     "Dvorák."
     
     "What's that, Oniisama?"
     
     "It's Dvorák.  That I'm listening to."
     
     "What's Dvorák?"
     
     "Not what.  Who."
     
     "Oh."
     
     My brother has strange taste in music.
     
     "Oniisama--"
     
     "Get out of here, Nanami."
     
     "W-what?"
     
     "And take... this... with you.  I'm not interested in it.  I
stopped being interested in silly little animals like this years
ago."

     "But... at your party..."
     
     "I pretended, to make Tenjou and Himemiya happy.  People do
that, you know, Nanami."

     Oniisama lifts your tiny body in one hand, as though he's 
going to dash you against the floor.       

     How small you are.
     
     How big his hand is.
     
     Then he hands you to me.
     
     "Get out of here."
     
     No one can cut me deeper than you, Oniisama.
     
     I don't even know if you know how deep you cut.
     
     Or if you care.
     
     You've grown beyond the childish things we used to share.
     
     All you care about these days are the Rose Bride and the
Revolution and... that.

     Oh, how I hate to think of you doing... that.
     
     It's so disgusting.
     
     It's so filthy.
     
     It must hurt so much.
     
     I guess I have to grow up too, if I want you to keep loving
me.  

     I've been reading the charter of the Student Council 
recently.

     There are some useful rules about siblings of members acting
as proxies.

     It's almost as though they were written just for you and me,
Oniisama.

* * *

"Nanami-sama, what are you incinerating?"

     "Tsuwabuki-kun!  You surprised me; don't sneak up on me so
quietly like that."
     
     "Huh?  What's wrong, Nanami-sama?"
     
     "Oh, nothing.  It's just an old box I was getting rid of.  
Come on, let's go.  What's on my schedule next?"     
     
     "You have a test on the periodic table today... here's your
crib sheet.  You can stick it to the bottom of your shoe with 
this adhesive tape... after that, you've got lunch; I made you
sushi today, because you said you only wanted something light 
before the Council meeting."

     "You didn't put any tuna sushi in, did you?"
     
     "No, Nanami-sama; I know you don't like tuna."
     
     "Good."
     
     "Why were you burning an old box, anyway, Nanami-sama?"
     
     "...that's none of your business."
     
     "Okay.  Next, you have..."
     
     I don't even know why I did it.
     
     If everything can be forgiven, then I have nothing to be 
sorry for.  Thus, why should I need to change, or do penance, or
suffer any longer for what is done and cannot be undone?

     So why did I do it?     
     
     "You can stay in here for now."
     
     "We may need the room again sometime soon, so don't think
it's forever."

     "And your litter box is right over there; I've instructed
the maid to clean it every day, so don't think you have any 
excuse for making a mess on the carpet."

     "I can't have you wandering all over the house, you know."
     
     "And I'm very busy with the Council, so don't think I'll be
coming to visit you every day, or something."

     "Don't look at me like that.  You'll get fed.  The maid will
do that."

     "Stop that.  That piping is decorative; it is not a cat;
toy."

     "Now you've ripped it; I'm going to have to get that sewn."
     
     "Damn cat."
     
     "I don't even like you very much."
     
     "Damn cat."
     
     "Damn cat."
     
     I don't even know why.
     
END

Notes:

This is the first of a projected series of interlinked but
independent stories dealing with events taking place between the
end of the Student Council arc and the beginning of the Black 
Rose arc.

This story is the longest thing I have written in one sitting in
quite some time.

The third part of Jaquemart is complete, and should be released 
on the UML as soon as I sleep long enough to be able to proofread
it competently.

Commentary would be very appreciated.

-Alan Harnum, April 4th, 2000