[a giant open-air arena, filled with lots and lots of fangirls, screaming their heads off. In some of their hands are signs. Some say "Duo for President", some say "Suicide Boy Rules". One even says "Come Here and Kill Me!!!". On the stage are two curtains, both covering a lot of space. At the corner is a mike with stand. Out comes the hostess, who approaches the mike.]

Hostess (screaming into mike): Is everyone ready!?!

[fangirls scream]

Hostess: What time is it?!

Fangirls: Bishonen time!

Hostess: That's right! It's time for everyone's favorite event, Battle of the Bishonen. Now, today's bishonen are very sexy (pauses as a large part of the group catcalls) and will be competing today to take on either Asaba Hideaki or Arima Souichiro from KareKano in the semifinals. Now are you ready to meet our bishonen?

[fangirls scream the affirmative]

Hostess: Now then, behind curtain number one, is that spiked haired, blue-eyed angel, the Self-Exploding Boy himself, your hero and mine, Heero Yuy!

[curtain #1 parts slightly, letting Heero walk out on stage. The fangirls go crazy. Did I hear someone scream "Heero!"?]

Hostess: And behind curtain number two, is that braided wonder, that baby-faced vixen, the Shinigami of loooove, Duo Maxwell!

[curtain #2 opens in the same fashion, letting Duo strut out. The fangirls go wild.]

Hostess: Now, as all regulars of the Bishonen Arena know, the bishonen must compete in different fields and contests to determine who is, well, yummy!

[fangirls cheer]

Hostess: So get ready, gentlemen, because the first contest will be (small dramatic pause) FANSERVICE!!!

[the crowd goes crazy]

Hostess: Don't worry folks, we're not doing the best first. WE always save the best for last. And what would that be, ladies?

Fangirls: THE STRIP!!!

[Heero looks at Duo, who is practically beaming]

Heero: What did you get me into, Duo?

Duo: Chill, it'll be cool.

Heero: When this is over, I am going to-

Duo: Kill me? (gives him a sly look) What, you're afraid I'll beat you?

[Heero glowers]

Hostess: Ladies and gentlemen (sideglances at Duo and Heero), lets get ready for battle!!!

[fangirls cheer]

[The noise of the arena was deafening. The thousands upon thousands of screaming girls yelled as two of their favorite beautiful boys tried their best to steel themselves for the task in front of them.

[Duo beamed with utter confidence. No matter how big a friend he was to Heero, he knew he had this battle down.

[Heero just glared at the confident American next to him, at the giggy girls panting in the audience, and at the annoying hostess about to tell them what exactly she meant by 'fanservice'.]

Hostess: Alright ladies, the first contest is "fanservice". Now, let's find out what particular fanservice these -lush- gentlemen will perform today for us.

[In walks in a large, muscular man, stolen from the harems of Chipendales, carrying a silver platter covered with sealed envelopes. The fangirls swoon momentarily, but quickly return their attention to the two G-boys that are about to do a lot of fun stuff, just for their pleasure. The hostess takes an envelope.]

Hostess: Thank you, Gateau. (shoos the Chipendale away) God, I'm sooo, nervous (rips open the envelope.)

[Her eyes grew wide and a happy letcherous smirk grows on her face. The fangirls scream to know what was written on the paper.]

Hostess: Gentlemen, your first challenge is "The Swoon."

[fangirls swoon in anticipation]

Hostess: The point is to make these ladies scream as loud as possible as you try out your sexiest pose or phrase. Ready?

[Duo gives a happy nod as he takes off that black jacket of his. The fangirls swoon and scream.]

Hostess (sly grin): Mr. Maxwell, not yet. The contest hasn't started yet. (looks at Heero) Mr. Yuy?

[Heero grimaces and nods as well]

Hostess: Well then, since Mr. Maxwell won the coin toss backstage, he will go first. Duo, do your thing.

[Duo, wearing his tight black pants and a sleeveless top, tilted seducively and, with one hand in his pocket, his other hand lifted the hem of his shirt and exposed some chest.(1)

[The fangirls gasped together.]

Random Fangirl #1 (in a very loud voice, from the back): Now that's one sexy motha-fucka.(2)

Rest of Fangirls: Uh-huh!

Relena (who is in the crowd): Boo!

[Fangirls glare at Relena]

Random Fangirl #2: What the hell was that for!

Relena (cowering): But he's not sexy!

Random Fangirl #3: Just because you 'look' like Relena, doesn't mean you should act like her.

Relena: But I am Relena!

Random Fangirl #4 (from behind Relena): Hey, join the club.

[Relena turns and sees a large group of Relena Lookalikes, all with various Relena hairdos and fashion sense. She gasps.]

Random Fangirl #4, or rather, Relena Lookalike #1: Come on girls! Heero's next! Let's give him our support!

Relena Lookalikes (in that annoying Relena voice): Heero!!! Come over here and Kill Me!!!

Relena (to herself): I don't sound that desperate...

Hostess: That was wonderful, Duo. (fans herself) I think I'm overheating... Now, Heero. It's your turn. I would just love seeing you top that!

[Heero gives his best death glare at the screaming fangirls.]

Heero: Omae o korosu.

[The fangirls go wild!!! For a good few minutes, she continue screaming and panting and drooling all over themselves. Heero got that round for sure.]

Hostess (once noise lowered a bit): Looks like Heero won that round! But, don't worry, Duo. You'll be able to redeem yourself in the next contest, the talent competition, the staple of a beauty contest, besides the swimsuit and the questions.

[The fangirls rejoice for both sides]

Hostess: But, as we all know, in the Bishonen Arena, bishonen don't really have to answer any dumb questions about the economy or ethics. We just want young, virule, sexy men!

[Fangirls cheer.]

Hostess: But we do want a talent contest, so everyone, get ready!

[Fangirls scream in anticipation. Relena looked around her in disgust and decided quickly to have a more personal experience at the Bishonen Arena. Without being seen by anyone, she snuck into the back stage area and planned her attack. Only Heero could win. And she was going to make sure of that.]

Notes:
(1) Yes, that was in an artbook.
(2) Actual comment from a friend when I showed her said picture. Neki-chan was sooo right.

[Heero and Duo head backstage to prepare for the talent competition. The hostess waves them off.]

Hostess: As the gentlemen prepare for their next 'ordeal', let us meet the judges for today's Battle. Sure, they don't do much, but they do decide what you gals really want from your reactions.

[On one side of the stage, suddenly unveiled, are five people sitting at a table covered with papers and score sheets. The hostess crosses the stage to introduce them.]

Hostess: Judge #1 comes to us from Mars-

Judge #1: Actually, I'm from Earth, but my current address is the Bepop.

Hostess: That's right. Everyone, please say hi! to Faye Valentine, the cowgirl from Cowboy Bepop.

[fangirls scream their hellos]

Faye: Hi everyone. I am having an okay time. (whispered to hostess) So, when are we heading to the casinos?

Hostess: Later, Faye, and thanks for coming. Judges #2 and 3 are a part of trio, but the third member is not here today. PLease say hi to Jessie and James from Pokemon.

[Some fangirls in audience boo.]

James: Why am I here? I'm not a fangirl!!!

Hostess: Well, you do look good in a bikini...

Jessie: Shut up James. We were invited, now at least act decently.

James: But Jessie...

[Jessie pounds him into the table.]

Hostess: Ooo-kay... Next up, Judge #4 is the lovely mascot of a popular SF show, but, aren't all albino girls are? Everyone, please meet Hoshino Ruri.

[fans of Nadesico cheer, other politely clap]

Ruri: ....

Hostess: You have anything to say to the audience, Ruri-Ruri?

Ruri: .... .... baka ba-ka.... ....

[Nadesico fans clap and cheer]

Hostess: And finally, Judge #5 took some time off from being the unseen child of the Wired to join us and see what bishonen can do. From Serial Experiments Lain, please welcome Iwakura Lain.

Lain: ....

Hostess: ...anoo... Well, at least you and Ruri will get along, eh?

Lain: ....

Ruri: ....

Hostess: Well, thanks for coming out today and helping us out here at the Bishonen Arena...

[The hostess walks back to her side of the stage as the judges fade away once more. I don't where, but they're still there, I bet.]

~~~~~

backstage

[Relena was sneaking around, searching for something, when she tripped over a small figure and its dog.]

Relena (flustered): Oh I'm sorry... (takes a good long look at the person she tripped over) ... uh...

Ed: Nya?

Relena: What are you?

Ed: I'm Ed! This is Ein (Ed lifts the Welsh Corgi)

Ein: wan! (1)

[Relena eyes Ed, unsure it it's a boy of girl before deciding to forget about that mystery (2) and go find out what Maxwell is doing for the talent competition.]

Notes:
(1) He said 'bark'. Kawaii!
(2) Who knows, really...

Back on Stage

Hostess: Now, let us start the talent competition, alright ladies!

[fangirls cheer]

Hostess: First up is Mr. Yuy.

[Heero comes out. With him come several tables, poles and plates. A upbeat song begins to play as he begins to spin the plates on the poles. Heero deathglares each plate that he spins. He couldn't show off his ability with his Gundam, and this is the only other thing he knows. Don't ask.

[The plates continue spinning as Heero pulled out his gun from the mysterious spandex space and began shooting each plate in time with the music.

[After shooting all the spinning plates, he grabbed the extra plates, flung them above the audience, and began shooting them down as well.

[The audience panicked, but, fortunately, no one was hurt when he was finished.]

Hostess (sweatdropped): Ooo-kay, that was, uh, great, Heero.

[Heero glares then heads backstage, along with the tables, poles, and pieces of porcelain.]

Hostess: Next up is Mr. Maxwell.

[Duo comes out, all smiles and certain he'll win this round. He was accompanied by an xylophone with bombs strapped on the bottom.

[After stretching his fingers out, he picked up the mallets.]

Duo: I hope everyone likes this piece. I know I do.

[He begins to play Those Endearing Young Charms but screws up and plays a D instead of middle C. He stopped, looked at the sheet music closely, and tries it again.

[Once again, he played the wrong note and stopped. The audience whisper among themselves.]

Female Voice from Backstage: No, you idiot! Try it again!

[Duo does try it again, but played the wrong note, and continued to play the wrong notes.

[Relena, exasperated, rushed in from backstage and grabbed the mallets from song-bashing Duo.]

Relena: What are you, a retard?!? Give me, and let me show you how to play the damn song.

[She played the first few measures and played the correct note where Duo consistantly screwed it up.

[At middle C, the xylophone exploded(1), sending Relena flying over the audience (2) and out of the arena.]

Hostess: Well, another Relena-lookalike bites the dust...

Relena (wailing as she flies off): I'M NOT A LOOKALIKE!!!!!!!......

Hostess: Well, it looks like neither of our pretty boys won that contest, so Duo and Heero have to hope they do better in the next round, Bishonen Torture.

[Duo leaves the stage to prepare. Fangirls compose themselves after the (literally) explosive contest.]

Notes:
(1) You saw that one coming, didn't ya?
(2) Where's Heero? Look, another plate!!! Target Practice!!!

[As the slave boys come and clean up the horrible mess the two pilots left on the stage do their thing, while still looking dignified in black thongs and bowties, the hostess stands on her side of the stage and gets ready for the next contest.]

Hostess: Are you ready for Bishonen Torture, ladies?!?

[Fangirls scream 'yes', now that they have composed themselves (compose themselves?) after that strange talent competition.]

Hostess: First, let's find out what our delicious young men have to go through.

[From side stage steps out a long-haired bishonen in white robes. He was carrying a polished gold plate covered with sealed blue envelopes. Without the G-boys nearby to take back their attention, the fangirls scream and glomp over the bishonen.

[Sweatdropping at the attention, the bishonen offers the plate to the hostess, who quickly takes one of the envelopes and begins to shoo the beautiful boy off.]

Hostess: Thank you Marron. (She begins to open the envelope and takes a peek at what is written inside.)

[the fangirls cry out to know what is written on the paper]

Hostess: Oh, I am soo sorry, ladies, but the Bishonen Torture today is rather mild...

[fangirls groan slightly. they were really hoping for something really nasty.]

Hostess: It is Shonen-Shoujo.

[From the ceiling of the stage came down three sealed containers. Each of them big enough for a person, they slowly landed onto center stage.]

Hostess: While my assistant informs our pretty boys what lays ahead of them, let me go through the rules. Our two contestants are backstage right now changing into sailor fuku for this contest. In these isolation units (points to the containers) are three of the strangest perverts this side of fandom. Yes, there are countless perverts in anime, but we, and you, won't know who they are until we pop the hatch. One of these men will decide which of our contestants truly looks like a girl. Whoever passes that pervert's judgement wins the round.

[fangirls talk among themselves]

Random fangirl #1 (to friend and others around her): Oh, you know Duo has this one in the bag.

Random fangirl #2: Yeah right. Heero's the one always confused for a girl.

Random fangirl #3: What have you been smoking?

Random fangirl #1: Wait, if there are real-life anime perverts in those booths, then...

Random fangirl #2: What will happen if they see all the girls here???

Random fangirl #3 (as she heads for the bathroom): Well, I ain't sticking around to find out...

Hostess: Open the hatch!

[The hatch of the three booths open. Smoke (for dramatic effect, of course) pours out for a moment before the three chosen perverts come out.

[The fangirls gasp in horror. Carrot Glace, Ataru Moroboshi, and Kintaro Oe came out of those booths. The three perverts looked around and took in the sights. Finding no trouble in the form of significant others and plenty of pretty girls right in front of them, Lum's Darling and the Golden Boy jumped into the audience.

[Carrot couldn't, however. He was frozen in place when he saw the hostess and her assistant on opposite sides of the stage.

[Not that he would have been able to survive the attack the other two perverts faced in the hands of the fangirls, who quickly whacked the shit out of them and dutifully kicked their asses out.]

Carrot: Eh... Hello, Chocolate, Tira.

Hostess (Chocolate): Hello, Darling. Would you do us a big favor?

Carrot (sweatdropping): What would that be?

Hostess (moving towards the still scared Carrot as she waves to her assistant to bring in the G-boys, who are now properly dressed in drag): Me and Tira can't decide who's the girl between these two people.

[She points to Heero and Duo, who both simply adorable in matching sailor fuku. Heero, glaring through the mascara he was forced into wearing, stood next to the simply giddy Duo, who had his wavy hair down. The fangirls scream their approval. Carrot gives them both a good once, er, twice over.]

Carrot: They both look like girls to me.

Hostess: But one's not. One's a guy, like Milphy.

[Carrot visibly shudders.]

Hostess: Could you tell us which one is the real girl?

[Carrot approaches the two G-boys in drag cautiously. Heero glares at him. Duo waves girlishly.]

Carrot (grabbing Duo's hand, in a sexy voice): Beautiful maiden, now that I found you out, please, abandon this frightening place and come on a date with me.

Duo (sweatdropping): Now, now, hold on a minute, hormone boy.

Carrot: We cannot deny what we are feeling right now. We can only follow our groins to where they lead us.

Hostess: That's the girl, Darling?

Carrot (not letting go of Duo's hand): Of course. I am the love machine, and a true ladies' man.

Hostess: Duo wins!!!

[Fangirls cheer.]

Hostess' Assistant: Now it's time to tame our little pet...

Carrot (blinking): Eh?

[Carrot is whipped off Duo by a bullwhip in the hand of assistant, currently wearing only a leather bodice, thong, and thigh-high boots. She laughs as she whips the poor pervert out off the stage and to the exit.]

Hostess: Congratulations, Duo, you won this round. But the next round won't be as easy as letting down your hair, 'cause next is the Wild Card, and who knows what will happen then!

[fangirls cheer in anticipation]

Backstage

[Heero and Duo, still in the school uniforms, are slowly making their way back to the dressing room. The stage crew, all women, of course, take a few peeks at the two contestants as they past by. One of the women next to the light switches, she’s the one with the thick shades and the Dragon Ball Z t-shirt, gives her approval with a wolf-whistle. Heero glares at her.]

Duo (tugging at the hem of his skirt): This isn’t half-bad, uh, Hee-chan?

[Heero death-glares his enthusiastic friend, but as far as death-glares go, that last one was rather muted.

[Two women, a little girl and her guardian, walked up to the two G-boys. The little girl was carrying a bowl of large gumballs.]

Duo (slightly shocked): Une? Mariemaia???

Une: Hello, Duo. Heero.

Mariemaia: We were invited and they said I could volunteer. (offering the bowl of gumballs) Would you like one?

Duo (grabbing two): Thanks sweetie!

[He puts one in Heero’s hand and pops the other in his mouth.]

Duo (his voice muffled by the giant gumball): Yummy….! Eat it, Heero.

[Heero glares at the gumball. Finding it too big, he pulled out his gun from underneath the skirt and smashed the gumball with the butt of his gun. It breaks into plenty of easy-to-swallow pieces. Without wasting time, he eats all the pieces. (1)

[Duo, eyes wide somewhat, watched as Heero made short work of the gumball. Seeing Duo’s expression, Heero offers the gun so that he could do the same.]

Duo (taking the gumball out to speak clearly, with a mischievous smirk): Oh no, I suck balls. I don’t bust them. That’s Une’s job.

[Une turned a bright red. Heero perspired slightly. Mariemaia turned her head and looked at the redden Une, the glaring Heero and the giggling Duo still in the school uniform.]

Mariemaia: What happened?

~~~~~

Outside the Bishonen Arena

Wufei: Injustice!!!

[Outside the ticket booth, Trowa and Quatre, with picket signs in hand, were marching against the Battle of the Bishonen. Inside the small circle they were marching in was Wufei on a soapbox, bullhorn and sign ready.]

Wufei (through bullhorn): It is unfair to beautiful boys everywhere that this, this DISHONORABLE DISPLAY continues. And we weren’t even considered to be contestants. Injustice! (he shakes his fist)

Quatre (lifting fist): Injustice.

Trowa (also lifting fist): ….

Wufei: We cannot stand around and let them go on with this! We cannot allow them to ignore us! We are NOT cute! We are SEXY! We are BISHONEN! WE MUST SEND THEM A MESSAGE!!!

Random Passerby: Amen….

[A television news van drives up and out pops an anchorwoman and a camera man.]

Anchorwoman: Is this on? Hello, this is Jane Yamamoto reporting from the infamous ‘Bishonen Arena’ (2). Behind me is where thousands of fangirls are invited every few days to see beautiful boys of the animated screen compete against each other for the girls’ affections. This is the only information that the general public has on the events inside, because the only people allowed in are those that are invited weeks in advance. Only the fangirls inside can tell us of all the debauchery that takes place inside.

Wufei (shoving the anchorwoman aside): Listen woman, inside that place is the most dishonorable contest in all fandom!

Anchorwoman (slightly peeved): And who are you?

Wufei: I am sorely against this place and the people who run the horrors inside.

Anchorwoman: And why is that?

Wufei: Because they didn’t choose us! Injustice!

Quatre: Injustice.

Trowa: ….

Anchorwoman (taking control of the filming once more): We do not know what these fangirls have seen inside, but we do know that in the next few weeks, we at Eyewitness News will find out, because the general public needs to know what goes on in their neighborhood. Back to you, Tenchi.

[The anchorwoman and her cameraman climb back into the van and drive away. Wufei climbs back on his soapbox to start the protest back up.

[From out of nowhere, Relena walks up and right through the picket line. She looks like she was dragged through a minefield.]

Wufei (screaming, as if he wasn’t already, through the bullhorn): Woman! What are you doing!!!???!!!

Quatre: Miss Relena, what happened to you? And don’t you know that you should never cross a picket line?

Trowa: ….

Relena (bemoaning her fate): …oh, the horrors…

[She slumps down and sits next to Wufei’s soapbox. Ignoring the defeated woman underneath him, Wufei lifts up his bullhorn and continues his rant.]

~~~~~

Inside, backstage, Duo’s and Heero’s dressing room

[Duo and Heero are now back in their normal clothes. They are relaxing before they have to scramble back on stage for the fourth contest.

Duo (stretching his arms out): Christ, two more to go, and I only won one of those silly things! If it wasn’t for that Relena…

Heero: You know…

Duo: N?

Heero (blushing slightly): You looked really sexy in that school uniform. I wonder if I… (he wrings his hands in embarrassment) If I looked that way to you…

Duo: Eh? Are you okay, Heero?

Heero: I mean that, uh, you know (he stumbled over his words as he face turned brighter) I think that I almost, you know…

Duo: Uh… Heero? (He places his hand on Heero’s forehead.) You’re not feeling sick, are you?

[Heero looks up at Duo for a few moments with the innocent, flushed look of desire that is too rare to look ‘right’ on his face before he finally composes himself and turns back the his scowling, grumpy self.]

Heero (with a slight harshness in his voice): I’m fine. (He starts heading for the stage.) Are you coming?

[Duo watched the sudden change in Heero wide-eyed before composing himself. He thought for a moment as to the reason why, but gave up quickly and lifted his hands up in the air.]

Duo: Sometimes it’s just better to not even try…

Notes:
(1) Doesn’t waste time, does he?
(2) ‘Jane Yamamoto’ is the name of the reporter in both Dr. Dre’s video Forgot about Dre and Eminen’s video Stan, so that is just another cameo…

Onstage

Hostess: Now it’s time for the fourth contest, The Wild Card.

[Fangirls clap their enthusiasm]

Hostess: As the newcomers to Bishonen Arena, our contests tend to be rather… colorful and varied. Today we seem to swing back and forth between pure fangirl fantasy and strange insanity. And I think it’s time for some insanity before the final fantasy.

[Some of the fangirls in the audience moaned a bit at the bad joke (was it a joke?)(1), but most clapped and screamed happily. From out of nowhere, the girls begin to chant ‘Strip! Strip! Strip!’ and clap along to the shouts.]

Hostess (lifting her hands up for some silence, but the fangirls continued their chant): Don’t worry ladies. That’s coming up soon enough. But first, we must go through the Wild Card competition.

[The Chippendale extras came out, carrying out a fortune wheel (or is it a ‘wheel of fortune’), the selections on both of them covered by colored wooden planks, from one side of the stage.

[From the other side of the stage came Duo and Heero. Duo waved at the fangirls that began to scream his name. Heero, still acting a tad off, had a slight smile on his face. Some of the Heero fanatics began to whisper among themselves, concerned for their favorite Gundam pilot. Some of the veteran audience members also began to whisper among themselves in anticipation for the real fun to begin (2).

[The Chippendale men left the wheels on the stage and disappeared once more to the back.]

Hostess (to Duo and Heero): Gentlemen, before you is your fate. You must spin this wheel so that you, and everyone in the audience, can find out what you shall face in the Wild Card.

[The fangirls cheer.]

Hostess: Since you won the last time, Mr. Maxwell, why don’t you go first?

Duo: What will this wheel determine?

Hostess: We’ll just have to see, now do we?

[Duo gave raised an eyebrow, but went ahead and turned the wheel. When it stopped, the hostess’ assistant appeared and removed the plank on top of the choice. Underneath the plank, the wheel read: Taming of the Beast.]

Duo: Well, you know that’s Trowa’s specialty, not mine, though, after being with Heero…

Hostess: Relax. It’s not really what you think it is. Please bring Chibi-Usa

[The audience cringe as the pink-haired child of Sailor Moon crosses the stage.]

Chibi-Usa: Nice to meet you, everyone.

[Some fangirls begin to faint, other mutter ‘murder’.]

Duo: This has to be some sort of sick joke.

Hostess: Well, everything’s wild! Do you accept the challenge, Duo Maxwell?

Duo: What the hell IS the challenge?

Hostess: Why, get close enough to touch her, of course. (Duo flinchs at the thought) Of course, we can’t guarantee that you will not be sucked in by her sugary- sweet pink essence into a world that no man, or bishonen, has truly come back from, but we aren’t saying that you shouldn’t try.

[Duo looks at the pink kindergartener dubiously. Chibi-Usa winks at the longhaired pilot.]

Duo (turning back to the hostess): Can I think about this? You know, give me a little time to, uh, warm up?

Hostess (shrugging her shoulders): If you want. Now, Mr. Yuy. Try your hand.

Heero (rather giddy with excitement): Okay!

[Duo gave him a look. He WAS acting kind of strange. Heero took the wheel and gave it an enthusiast spin. When it finally stopped, the assistant took the plank off of the selection. Underneath the plank, the selection was: Bow-Wow Love.]

Heero: What’s that?

Hostess: You’ll see.

[From the same side of the stage that Chibi-Usa appeared from, a cute little white dog scampered across stage and towards Heero. It didn’t really look like a real dog, but a sack of white cloth with a clueless face. Heero, with a happy face, picked up the white, funny-looking dog.]

Hostess: Heero, everyone, meet Pero-Pero. Now all you have to do is give Pero² a kiss. And it has to involve tongue.

Duo: You want Heero to french kiss that freaky-looking dog???

Hostess: Why not? If KareKano's Arima can do it, than so can he.

Duo: You really don’t have to do it, Heero…

Heero: Why not? Besides, it’s such a cute little doggy.

[Heero lifts Pero² up and puckered his lips. Pero² stuck out his tongue and licked Heero’s pursed lips (3).]

Duo: Ech… And the tongue too… I feel so betrayed.

[Without thinking, he grabbed the nearest thing for support. Unfortunately for him, but fortunate for his score, the nearest thing was Chibi-Usa.]

Chibi-Usa (inside Duo’s embrace): Ooh, a new boyfriend…

[Duo jumped away and recoiled from the pink haired creature. Thankfully, the Chippendale men came and carted the wheel, the rugrat, and the funny-looking dog away.]

Hostess (once the stage was cleared): Well, it looks like both of our pretty boys won this round, so neither won the points.

Duo: What? After all I’ve gone through?

Hostess: Well, we still have the final contest to decide who is the better bishonen.

[A pair of Chippendale men came out with a large isolation booth for two and a screen.]

Hostess: Gentlemen, until we find out what you will be doing for the final contest, you will have get in there (she points to the isolation booth) and enjoy some quality time.

[The fangirls cheer and ooh.]

Heero (clasping his hands together): Yeah, quality time.

[Duo watches Heero with some concern, but the two do get inside the isolation chamber. When the booth is sealed, the screen is placed in front of it to hide the boys from view.]

Hostess: Now, is everyone ready for The Strip!!!

[The fangirls scream from the top of their lungs. They’ve been waiting all day for this, and, damn it, after dealing with death threats that are never fulfilled, flying plates, exploding xylophones, three perverts, a freaky dog, and an even freakier pink brat, it better be good!]

Notes:
(1) No, it just came out that way…
(2) Heh-hee…
(3) Pero-Pero is the dog from ‘KareKano’, and yes, Arima does kiss the dog…

[Inside the isolation booth, Duo had quickly sat down on the floor and Heero leaned against one of the walls. From the speakers, a soft rock song was playing.]

Song: I smell sex and candy here...

Duo: Boy, Hee-chan, you’re acting strange…

Heero (slipped down to the floor and into Duo’s arms): Oh, you think so?

Duo: Yeah. First, what happened in the dressing room, and then, your attitude on stage just a few seconds ago. Are you feeling alright?

Heero (nuzzling Duo’s neck): Yup… You know, now that we’re all alone…

[Heero slipped a hand underneath Duo’s shirt and rubbed his lover’s stomach]

Duo (trying his best to ignore his peculiar lover, despite how nice Heero’s hand is feeling right now): The only thing I can think of is that you were drugged, but we didn’t eat anything the entire time we were here…

Heero (half-mumbled as he bit and kissed Duo’s neck): We did have those gumballs…

Duo: But I’m not affected.

Heero (slowly unbuttoning Duo’s jacket and kissing his way down his lover’s chest): You think not? Here I am, trying my darnest to turn you on, and all you can to is moan about some gumballs…

[Duo thought for a moment. After coming to a decision, he lifted Heero’s face and gazed at the other boy’s eyes.]

Duo: Well then, I have to moan about something else, huh…

~~~

Onstage

Hostess: As our contestants get comfy inside the isolation booths, let’s go through the introduction of the Strip.

[She pulls out a sheet of paper and a pair of reading glasses.]

Hostess (clearing her throat): Because the Bishonen Arena is so big, so far we had all the contests on stage, so that every one could have a decent view. However, because a strip needs to be seen up close and in person, right in the middle of the crowd, our contestants will partake in the last act of fangirl pleasure.

[The fangirls cheer in approval.]

Hostess: And because a real strip can be sooo limiting and monotonous, just like in all the previous contests, we have a whole host of things to choose from.

[Out comes the assistant, wearing a very tight, very revealing leather bodice and thong. In her hand is a black, polished plate covered with red, sealed envelopes. The hostess gingerly plucked one off the plate and shooed the scantly-clad redhead away.]

Hostess: Thank you Tira. (She made short work of the seal and pulled out the red paper inside. After reading what was on the paper, she quickly shoved the paper back into the envelope.) Now, ladies, be warned. Although we love you with all our hearts, and we know that the Battle of the Bishonen wouldn’t even exist without your support, we will not tolerate any of you groping our contestants. If they grope themselves, however, that’s a different story…

[The fangirls yell happily at that last sentence.]

Hostess: And speaking of groping, I’m pretty sure that a good number of you noticed our darling Heero’s peculiar behavior.

[Many of the fangirls clapped and cooed the affirmative.]

Hostess: As those who have been here before should know, we here at the Bishonen Arena have two loves: bishonen and Occidental Orchards Candies. Sure, in some places, Occidentals, or OOC, is considered a dangerous substance, capable of changing a user’s personality for short periods of time, perhaps forever, but in Bishonen Arena, it’s just a part of the scenery, an integral part in the competition. Without OOC, would we have been able to see the amazing nude scene between the luscious Akio and Touga from the Shoujo Kakumei Utena Battle, or the very erotic Truth or Dare session that we were treated to when… oh wait, that was also with Akio and Touga… wait, did they even take some OOC (1)?

[The fangirls cheered nonetheless.]

Hostess: Anyway, why don’t I let everyone know what our pretty boys will do for us today? (She pulled out the red paper from the envelope for the second time.) Let’s get ready for Candy Vat Wrestling!

[The fangirls scream and jump for joy, now that the final contest is finally underway.

[Dozens of Chippendale security guards begin to march towards the center of the audience. The fangirls obediently moved out of the way and allowed the bulky men mark a path from the stage to a large circular area in the middle of the Arena.

[In the center of the Arena, the floor began to open up. Out from the large opening came a large cylinder of glass, standing at five feet high and several feet wide, which will be the wrestling ring. Inside the ring was a thick layering of chocolate pudding, which is, of course, laced with a bit of OOC.

[Once the ring was in place, more of the beefy men came out, their hands filled with a dozen short, but very wide containers filled with all sorts of candies: Twisters, Goobers, gummy bears and worms, bite size chocolates, and the like, all out of their containers and ready for consumption. These giant containers (five of these together would be about the same length as your average station wagon; three of these would not be able to fit in the wrestling vat) were placed some distance away from the vat, within easy reach of the audience so that during the contest they would be able to throw the sweet goodies into the ring.

[With the containers of candy came a rolling stairway, as tall as the vat, to allow the bishonen a way inside.

[Once everything was in place, one of the sound crew members played a message that basically contained the words ‘get ready’ so that the boys inside the isolation booth would know it’s time to get ready to get back on stage.

[After a few seconds of waiting, two large men pulled back the screen and unsealed the door of the isolation booth. Inside, a giddy Heero, in Duo’s black jacket and spandex pants, with a tad of white cloth peeking underneath, was yanking and playing with Duo’s hair, half-way out of its customary braid, as Duo, in a hastily thrown-on wife-beater and black pants, blushed at the sight of hordes of screaming fangirls.]

Hostess: My, oh my… What were you boys doing in there?

Heero: Why, making out, of course! (Heero wrapped his arms around Duo possessively.)

Duo (pouting as he wrapped his hands around Heero’s arms): And we would have done more if someone didn’t interrupt us…

Hostess: Well, you still have one more thing to deal with: the Strip.

[Fangirls scream their anticipation.]

Heero: Ooh, I forgot. I get to see you naked.

Duo: You always get to see me naked.

Hostess: The first person to get out of that tub with some energy in his body is the winner. The men shall lead you in. (she covers her mike and whispers to the two boys) I hope you two have fun in there. (she winks)

[Heero giggles and grabs Duo’s hand. Together they run down the Chippendale gauntlet and to the vat. Obediently, they took off their shoes, shirts, and pants before climbing up and jumping into the gooey chocolate pudding, leaving them only their half-crazed state and thong underwear to cover themselves. Once the boys were safe into the vat, the Chippendale men receded somewhat, taking the stairs with them and letting the audience move in on the vat and the contestants.

Heero (giggling as he laid on top of Duo in the chocolate pudding): I wonder what we can get away with in here…

Duo (licking some of the chocolate pudding off of Heero’s exposed neck): Well, we’ll just have to find out, huh...

[On cue, the fangirls near the giant candy containers began to grab as much as they could in their hands and began to throw the sweet treats into the vat. All around, giant screens appeared from out of nowhere to let those who aren’t near the action to see all the fun without all the mayhem that the candy throwing fangirls are inducing.

[Inside, Duo growled softly and pinned Heero in the chocolate pudding, both now covered with the dark cream. All around them, the vat was slowly being filled with candy.]

Duo (in a low, husky voice): What do you want me to do to you, Heero?

[Duo licked up some of the chocolate pudding off his Heero’s chest and teased one of sweet-tasting nipples with his tongue. Heero moaned, his hand roaming down Duo’s back and buttocks…

[He lifted his hips up, his erection badly needing friction. One of his pudding-covered fingers traced down Duo’s cheek, searching for his lover’s lush mouth.

[Spotting the delicious finger being offered, Duo greedily sucked the warm cream off of it, his tongue causing Heero to moan some more.

[Some distance from the vat, watching the event with the help of a giant screen, a few fangirls began to complain somewhat.]

Random Fangirl #1: Could somebody… anybody… explain to me why they keep filling that tub with candy? Pretty soon we won’t be able to see what’s going on, with all those Raisinets and Hershey Bites in the way!

Random Fangirl #2: The producers don’t like to be too explicit. So they always arrange that we don’t see too much. (2)

Random Fangirl #3: Yeah, like there are little kids around. Right…

Random Fangirl #2: Well, two of those judges were little girls…

[From the vat, two pieces of cloth, one white and one black, both covered with a lot of chocolate pudding, were flung out of the writhing pile of candy.]

Random Fangirl #1: But that ain’t an excuse! We want to see some Ya-O-I.

Random Fangirl #3: Hey, is it true that Yaoi means ‘Stop, my ass hurts’ in Japanese?

Random Fangirl #1: N-ooo… Who told you that?

Random Fangirl #3: No one… I think…

Random Fangirl #2 (thinks about the phrase and what it would be in Japanese (3), then starts laughing): It fits though…

[Inside, the tub, the two G-boys are now completely covered in layers of candy, much to the visualist’s lament, but you can still hear what was going on, and boy!, did you hear plenty coming from Heero and Duo. You know, moaning, groaning, screaming, yelling, and that sound wet skin makes when it slaps against wet skin (4)….

[This noise-making went on for a good 15 minutes, long after all the tubs were empty and all the candy left outside the tub has been eaten. After a while, the moaning and screaming stopped, and a few minutes later a new sound was being made. It sounded like someone was digging himself out of the pile of sugar and chocolate.

[All the fangirls held their breaths. Whoever pops out of that vat first will be the winner.

[For a minute, the digging sound continued as whomever that was coming out grunted his way to the surface.

[Finally, the audience saw the chocolate- and Mike-and-Ike-covered head of Duo Maxwell pop out of the vat. With him, with what’s left of Duo’s braid around his neck to help him out, was an exhausted Heero Yuy. On his face was the look of pure ecstasy that can only be found when you’re completely wasted, or have just been fucked stupid. As we all -should- know, both happened.]

Duo (with a very satisfied look on his face, as he lifts up Heero with his hair as if the dark-haired boy was the grand prize): And you thought he was the dominant one (5).

[The fangirls stared for a few seconds in silence before all hell broke loose. They screamed and cheered as a handful of the Chippendale security guards helped the two boys out of the vat and into bathrobes, because gumdrops and chocolate pudding can only cover so much.

[Exhausted, Heero leaned on Duo as the two made their way back on stage. There, the hostess, with a bouquet of roses for the winner and her trusty mike at hand, greeted them with a bright smile.

Hostess: Congratulations, Duo Maxwell, you won today’s Battle!

[Fangirls applaud loudly.]

Hostess: So, what are you going to do now?

[She places the mike in front of Duo.]

Duo: Well, I’m taking Heero to bed. He’s beat.

[Heero makes a strange little noise and collapses somewhat in Duo’s arms. He still has that look on his face.]

Duo (with a little smug grin): He’s had a very rough day.

Notes:
(1) I don’t think those kinky people from ‘Utena’ need drugs to get it on…
(2) Actually, the winner should be a big surprise, nee? And I tend to be really inexperienced with lemons… Wait, I shouldn’t say that!
(3) ‘YAmete. Ooshiri Itai!’ if you wanted to know. Oh, I bet you did.
(4) I may not know how to write lemons very well, but I can be a big tease, and rather disgusting at that…
(5) This has officially become a 2x1 fanfic. Yippee!

[The Gundam pilot’s safehouse. Right after the Battle, Duo drove himself and his incapacitated Heero back. After forcing Heero to take a bath and tucking him into bed (Quarte, or perhaps Wufei, would have a fit about a dirty and pudding-covered Heero on the sofa), Duo ran into the shower and tried his best to get that stuff out of his pretty hair.

[While Duo was in the shower, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and Relena arrived. They let the woman come along only when she promised to carry their signs, soapbox, and bullhorn and to shut her trap.

[She wasn’t talking anyway, thank God. She was too traumatized and will only speak when she saw some sort of relief, probably in the shape of a pink limo or a half-naked Heero (1). Quickly finding a chair, she collapsed in it, exhausted.]

Wufei: I can’t believe those women wouldn’t tell us what happened inside!!!

Quatre: I think they swore they wouldn’t so that they could watch what happens inside.

Trowa: ….

Quatre (hearing water running in the bathroom): Do you think Heero and Duo has come home?

Wufei: They can tell us what they did!

Relena (drawled): Curiosity killed the cat. I should know…

Wufei: Curiosity killed nothing! (He turned and tapped on the door to the shower)

Duo (muffled somewhat by the door and the running water): Who is it?

Quatre: It’s us. How was it?

Duo: Not very interesting. We ate candy…

Wufei: Candy?

Duo: Yeah. Occi Candies. I brought some. I think I left them on the kitchen table. You guys want any?

Trowa: ….

Notes:
(1) Too bad she missed that last part…

The End

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