Little Johmmy
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of
a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his
folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey
ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking
more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight,
Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have
babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's
okay, we can play that game again!"
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the
bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied,
"Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct
word
you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and
I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits,
you'd be a ten!!!"
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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands
for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called
on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress
and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister
told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's
bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came
home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a
man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
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Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the
backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little
Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the
honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you
for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and
soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught
him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when
cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them
one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find
Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said,
"Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade
class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny
remains attentive throughout the entire lecture Finally, towards the end of the lesson,
the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises
his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," said the
teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the
teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher
calls on him. "I was watching' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was
surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time.
And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but
puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
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A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a
little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His
birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a
long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered,
"He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The
teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his
wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this And Little Johnny said, "Well... every
morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ!!. Are
you still in there?'!"
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted
to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised
her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a
mind in order to believe in God". The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy
raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because
God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw
Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny,
which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why
he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my
parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh
God, I'm coming!'"
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Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in
the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the
air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are
sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly
said, "Son, that;s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster
straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that’s great", said little Johnny.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him
yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well
Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was
Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, Jesus I'm coming, I'm
coming, and if it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her
for sure!"
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