MacHiei
by
Pan
Act
Five
Night, has
approached. And indeed, night is an abstract topic.
When we think
of night, we think of things that go bump, we think of the
boogie man
who's probably boogieing to the latest Christmas Macarena dance
in your basement
right now. We also think, though very reluctantly, of this
boy we call
MacHiei...
Welcome,
to the final Act of the most boring solo parody ever. Let
me, do the
honours of reciting a little poem for the celebration of the
ending of
the most boring solo parody ever.
Hiei and Yukina
went up a hill
to fetch a
pail of whateeeeeeeeever.
But Hiei rolled
down, got into a fight
and Yukina
dropped tear gems foreeeeeeeeeeeever.
Kurama: Somebody,
SHUT the author up. We can handle this play very well
without you,
thank you.
If you say so. I'm off to study my Principles of Accounts then.
Kamiya: It's
been two nights, Botan. If what you say is true... ?
Botan: I say
everything in the truth. Keep watch. Oh! Here she comes!
Observe her,
that is all I ask of you to help my lady.
Kamiya: ...
Her eyes are open.
Botan: But
can she see? She is still fast asleep, I assure you.
Kamiya: What's
she doing? Does the floor require so much scrubbing?
Botan: I don't
know! You're the doctor!
Yukina: Yet here's a spot!
Kamiya: She speaks! Let me write this down...
Yukina: Out,
damned spot!... Hark! It is the noise of the Kokuryuuha! It's
time to do
the deed... Meikai is murky... fie my lord, would you do anything
for me? Oh,
but who would've thought the old man would dirty the floor so
much!!
Kamiya: Do you mark that?
Yukina: The
castle of Fife had there a wife; where is she now?... Oh my!
Mayhaps I
should use Astonish the miracle stain remover to clean these
stains?...
Who is it in fiery locks who so grasps your attention, Hiei-san?
Kamiya: Oh
my gosh... I think we'd better stop here...
Botan: She
has spoken what she should not have... who knows exactly what
she's known
and seen.
Yukina: Here's
the stain still! How can I remove it before Hiei-san comes
back? Oh,
oh oh!
Kamiya: What
a sigh.
Botan: Tragic...
Kamiya: Well
well well.
Botan: So
what's the verdict?
Kamiya: There's
nothing wrong with her.
Yukina: Hiei-san,
BanKuramaQuo is dead. He cannot haunt you, so remain the
usual stone-faced
fire demon you are, Hiei-san!
Botan: How
can there be nothing wrong with her when she raps about dead
people all
the time while sleepwalking?!
Kamiya: Hey,
if she raps about dead people you should get an exorcist, why
me?
Botan: 'Coz
you're cheap! OKAY?
Yukina: Come,
Hiei-san. Knock knock are you there? What's done cannot be
undone, Hiei-san.
Let's retire to the chamber.
[exit
Kamiya: I tell
you frankly, Botan. This is beyond my practice. I only know
how to send
mosquitoes after people in an attempt to turn them into green
ghouls. I
tell you, you'd better get a priest for her, I can't do anything
to help the
poor lady. She has to help herself.
Botan: Some
kind of help you're giving.
Kamiya: Keep
all sharp stuff away from her. Good night.
Botan: No,
good doctor, it is a bad night.
[total
exit
Hiei: *rushes
in like a madman* HAHAHAHAH! I don't believe anything you say!
The Kastle
will not be defeated until the woods moves towards here!
Koenma: But
Lord MacHiei..
Hiei: BWHAAHAHAHAH!
[exits
Koenma: Oh
boy.
Jin: KoenmaRoss!!
Thane KoenmaRoss!
Koenma: What
is it?
Jin: *huff
puff* The... The English force is moving in! The Kastle is
doomed, I
tell you! We cannot repel all of them alone! Best be we deflect to
the other
side!
Koenma: Err...
Jin?
Jin: Hurry,
Thane KoenmaRoss!
Koenma: No
need to be so upset. It's all right... I can see that Lord
MacHiei has
gone off his bonkers, I'm not blind.
Jin: SO??
Koenma: The
point is, I've already arranged to meet up with MacYuusuke and
the English
force outside the woods. Prepare yourself Jin, we're going to
be gone soon.
Jin: ...
Hiei: *re-entering*
YOU TWO!
Koenma and
Jin: *electric shock*
Hiei: What're
you standing there for?
Koenma: L...
Lord MacHiei... *bows* There are news of deflection... within
our midst.
Hiei: Let
them fly for all I care! I am strong, I shall be defeated of no
one born of
woman, and the Kastle stays in my grasp for as long as the woods
moves herein!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Jin: Bu...
But Lord... I saw ten thousand... ten thousand...
Hiei: WHAT?
GEESE??
Jin: So...
soldiers... from the English side.
Hiei: Damn
them all black! COME ON! We're getting ready to fight. Bring me
my katana!
Koenma: Yes...
Lord...
Jin: Thane
KoenmaRoss!!
Koenma: It
is the one last service for what could have been a glorious era
by a tragic
King, Jin. Let me finish this.
Jin: ...
Kamiya: Good
morning... ugh...
Hiei: Bad
morning to you too, Doctor. How is Yukina.
Kamiya: ...
good physical... condition... but her mental health...
Hiei: Cure
her. I will give you anything.
Kamiya: I'll
see what I can do... but...
Hiei: And
if you could too, cure this sickly country I rule.
Kamiya: ...
Hiei: All
right, Koenma, you're dismissed.
[exit
in a huff
Koenma: *pats
the Doctor's shoulder*
[exit
the other direction
Kamiya: If
I was far away from this place, I tell you, money again will
hardly draw
me here!
Mukuro: There
is a turn of the stage, and we come across a portion of the
rotating stage
which is overgrown with the canopy and undergrowth of all
types imaginable.
MacYuusuke and Kuwabaracolm march in, proudly.
Kuwabara: What
the-
Yuusuke: What's
this?
Kuwabara:
Darn, it's so dark here...
Yuusuke: I
can't see a thing! What *is* this place?
Mysterious
voice: It's called a forest.
Yuusuke: GIAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO???
Mysterious
voice: Why bother who calls? I'm here to help.
Kuwabara:
REI KEN!
Mysterious
voice: GIAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Don't do that, Kuwabara!
Yuusuke: KoenmaRoss?
I thought you were with MacHiei?
Koenma: Notice
the word 'WERE'.
Jin: Yeh.
Yuusuke: JIN?
Koenma: MacHiei
is a little crazy. It's a good time to attack.
Kuwabara:
But... it's so dark here...
Yuusuke: You
idiot! Chop off all the tree branches, let the light shine
through!
Kuwabara:
Hey, why didn't I think of that?
Koenma: ~Sigh...
and why don't we use some natural camouflauge while we're
at it? Everybody
take a chopped off tree trunk and hide your faces with it.
Like this,
MacHiei will never know how many are really coming...
Jin: Stands
to our advantage.
Yuusuke: I
like that.
Kuwabara:
ALL RIGHTY! Everybody summon your weapons and chop down the trees!
Kurama: BE GENTLE!
Yuusuke: Yes...
yes...
[total
exit
Genkai: The
stage turns again, to be back at the scene where MacHiei had
previously
left off. He is looking crazy. Deranged. Ultimately conkers...
Hiei: SHUT UP, WOMAN!
Genkai: *Rei
gan in preparation*
Shizuru: Genkai-shihan...
please don't! Save this for the last attack!
Hiei: AAAAAH!
Gimme your best shot, MacYuusuke! I'll make sure you become
black dragon
biscuits after this! AHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!
Woman's voice: *shrieks and cries*
Hiei: *Yukina!*
Hold, what was that cry?
Botan: ::sob
sob:: The Queen, my Lord...
Hiei: What's
wrong with Yukina?
Botan: BOO
HOO HOO!! She's... she's...
Hiei: WHAT???
Botan: KILLED
HERSELF!!! Oh now you made me say it! WAAAAAAAAAH~~~ !
[runs
off
Hiei: How
could this be?
}== Cut "My heart will go on"
Hiei: What
is the Jagan for? What is a youkai? And me, what am I? If I can't
even... protect
the one... I love most... now...
Yukina: (backstage) Hiei-san...
Hiei: Yukina...
Yukina: (backstage) moreteargemsontheloose
Hiei: THEN
SO BE IT! Without Yukina, there is no motive in life. I have
grown weary,
but I will die fighting... if not for myself, for Yukina...
Yukina: Hiei-san...
Kurama: There,
there Yukina... it's just a play...
Yukina: Kurama-san!
BOOO HOOO HOOO!!! I miss my brother so much when I see
Hiei-san like
this!
Kurama: -GULP-
Botan: Lord
MacHiei!
Hiei: What
now.
Botan: I...
I can't believe my eyes when I saw it, but still, it was the
fact, there
standing and moving right in front of me, undeniably I knew I
couldn't have
mis-seen it and...
Hiei: Thy
story quickly, patch!
Botan: YES
SIR! The woods is moving towards the Kastle!
Hiei: If you're
lying, one swipe of this katana will send your head off.
Botan: *squeals*
I'M NOT LYING!
Hiei: Fine.
Curse those witches and die... I don't care about anything now.
Yukina...
here I go... !
[runs
out
Kurama: Yukina...
it's all right, you can open your eyes now...
Shizuru: Comfort
her, Kurama.
Kurama: I'm
trying. Doesn't seem to be of any help.
Mukuro: And
now we have almost come to a standstill. MacYuusuke and his
comrades have
finally finished walking the walk, fooling the fool and
playing the
play.
Yuusuke: Let's
go, people!
Kuwabara:
YEH!
[throws
down sticks and branches, moves towards Kastle
Shura: Come
out, cowardly MacHiei who unrighteously killed King Raizencan to
claim the
throne as your own!
Hiei: Yeh,
I'm here. What do you want?
Shura: A fight!
Yomi: Hoh
hoh hoh... beware, Hiei, my son is an S-class.
Hiei: Hn.
Mukuro: My
heir draws his sword! He engages in battle with Yomi's son! The
crowd gasps
in awe at how real the strokes are!
Hiei: Take
this, Jaou Ensatsu Rengokushou!
[a bright
flash of Makai fire
Shura: AAAAAAA!
Yomi: Shura!
Hiei: Hn.
So what if he's S-class. I have more experience than him.
Yukina: (backstage)
Go Hiei-san go!
Kurama: -sweatdrop-
Errr... Yukina...
Yukina: Hiei-san
GO!
Hiei: All right,
who's next!
Everyone else:
*cowers in fear*
Hiei: Hn.
Yukina: (ala
cheerleader) Hiei-san! Hiei-san!
Kurama: NO
no, Yukina, wrong baton routine. Let me show you how...
Kuronue: What?
You know cheerleading?
Kurama: Of
course I- wait a minute, what're you doing here? Aren't you out
with the rest
at the final showdown?
Kuronue: I
skipped it. *cackles*
Yukina: (still
ala cheerleader) Hiei-san! Hiei-san!
Hiei: Hark...
do I hear Yukina call me... Yukina...
[flits
off
Yuusuke: I'm
here! WHEREFORE... ugh...
Yomi: Bad
timing. MacHiei just flitted off.
Yuusuke: Cripes!
Now we've got to postphone the Act to find him again?!
A flash of foreboding lightning.
Voice: There
is no need. I know where he is.
Yuusuke: Who?
Where?
And the Voice reveals himself.
Voice: Here.
Yuusuke: Yes,
you hell-hound.
Hiei: ...
Yuusuke: You
killed my family.
Hiei: You
betrayed my sovereignty.
Yuusuke: Only
because you betrayed Raizen's.
Hiei: I will
not fight you.
Yuusuke: Scared,
o great MacHiei?
Hiei: I have
killed too many of yours.
Yuusuke: Then
it is a guilty conscience. *rei gan in preparation* Meet your
doom, MacHiei...
Hiei: I will
be killed by no man born of woman.
Yuusuke: We
shall see! REI GAN! WHAT THE-
Mukuro: Oops... I forgot to return him his reiki after the cauldron scene...
Yuusuke: MUKURO!!!!!!!!!!!
Hiei: Told
you.
Yuusuke: So
what. Without my reiki, I still have my fists.
MacYuusuke
swings a punch to be easily dodged by a fast falling
asleep MacHiei.
Audiences, let's hear another poem about Baa Baa Silver Fox
have you any
tails...
Kurama: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!!
Fine...
Mukuro: Genkai-san,
please help me return the reiki to Yuusuke.
Genkai: Okay.
Yuusuke: You
little detestable thing. Let me tell you then, MacHiei, that
MacYuusuke
was from his mother's womb, untimely ripped.
Hiei: !
Yuusuke: So,
*rei gan again in preparation* since I am of no woman born, I
shall be the
one, and only man, to kill you...
Hiei: Curse
the three transvestites and those who believe them... *prepares*
I will not
give up without a fight! And you have no rei ki!
Genkai: Yuusuke!
Yuusuke: Who says so?
Genkai: I'm returning this to you now!
Yuusuke: REI...
Genkai: Rei gan!
Yuusuke: GAN!!
[side
steps, allows Genkai's gan to blast at Hiei
Hiei: What
the-
Yuusuke: Baaaaaaaaaaka.
Hiei: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~~~~~~~~
!!!
Yukina: HIEI-SAN!!!
Kurama: No
Yukina, you CANNOT go onto stage now!
Yuusuke: *takes
Hiei's katana* Surrender, tyrant, or lose your head.
Hiei: I will
not yield to kiss the ground before the baffoon Kuwabaracolm's
feet.
Yuusuke: Then
you have decided your fate.
MacYuusuke
raises MacHiei's katana, gleaming silver with gloominess.
MacHiei looks
up at MacYuusuke with not a drop of remorse or a trace of
fear, merely
meeting his determined eyes with determined hopes.
Yuusuke: So
ends your tyrannic rule in Scotland, MacHiei.
Hiei: Hn.
Yuusuke: SO
LONG!
He brings the blade down! SUDDEN BLACKOUT!
Hiei: *shout of pain*
There
is a sharp piercing sound, as MacYuusuke's terrible laughter
fill the void
in gaps of our ears. The lights return!
Yuusuke: We have triumphed, fellow comrades!
And there
was MacHiei, lying in a pool of crimson blood with his
back to the
audience. Cold... and... unmoving...
Kuwabara: You've
killed the shrimp, Urameshi?
Yuusuke: YES
I HAVE! AHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Kuwabara:
AHHAHAHAAHHA!!!
Koenma: My
two noblemen...
Kuwabara and
Yuusuke: AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Koenma: ~Sigh.
The tyrannic rule has ended in Scotland, my dear audiences.
MacHiei lays
on the ground, dead as a doornail and trembling not even in our
midst. The
skies are free! There is no more fear embedded in our midst...
Live happy,
people of Scotland!
Everyone else:
Long live the new crowned King, Kuwabaracolm!
Kuwabara:
AAHAHAHAHAH! Thank you thank you!
Koenma: [aside]
Sometimes, I wonder if MacHiei would be a better king...
or... Kuwabaracolm...
Mukuro: Who knows.
And thus
we end the mythical tale of a Shakespearean play challenge,
Macbeth, or
now more known as MacHiei...
Thank
you, kindest attentions and audiences. As usual, we entreat
you to stay
tuned for more...
END ACT 5
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