"Expect shit."
This, on average, is the mentality I use when I go into a movie theatre. I go in
expecting not much more than complete crap, that way when I do get crap I'm not
disappointed, and when I get anything better than crap, I'm surprised and at the
least mildly entertained.
This is especially relevant when it comes to the fantasy genre. Hollywood, with
all its fabulous special effects, tends to miss out when it comes to fantastic
scripts and really good acting (re: the Baldwins of the world). And when a movie
is sorely lacking in these respects, the least it could be is fun or funny or
excessively violent (sometimes gratuitous sex can also help this kind of movie,
but then there's a fair amount of that as is). Most badly written and badly acted
flicks, though, aren't so considerate.
And then there's Dungeons & Dragons.
If there ever was a cheesy, fun, decently acted fantasy movie this is it. We're not
looking at another Legend, here, people (a fantastic romantic-fantasy starring Tom
Cruise and a nearly unrecognizable-under-all-that-make-up Tim Curry). We're talking
about a movie based on a table-top roleplaying game where people roll dice to see
if they succeed or fail at certain tasks or feats. Where some plots are fabulous
whilst others suck (depending on who's running the game). We're talking about a
franchise that has inspired numerous books in three different fantasy realms (Dragon
Lance, Ravenloft, and the Forgotten Realms books), numerous computer games (from those
way-back-when when you simply wandered dungeons fighting still-shots of monsters
to the "Baldur's Gates" and "Landscape Torments" of today), and conventions. Of course,
D&D has been parodied and its players mocked in more ways than one (though they'll
more than likely call themselves "D&D Geeks" with pride), though most players that
I know really don't deserve the stereotype that they've been ladeled with.
What I'm trying to say is that this is a movie based on a game that can be fabulous,
can be cheesy, but is almost always fun.
And that's what this movie is. It's sometimes fabulous, sometimes cheesy, but it's
almost always fun.
The plot? Ha! I laugh at the plot, quite outright at that. It's barely worth my
time to even mention, really, though I will anyways. The young empress of a kingdom
wants equality within her realm, a realm where the mages (magic users, for those of
you who wouldn't know) are placed above everyone else in society. This want of hers
makes her very unpopular amongst said magic users, especially the megalomaniac played
by Jeremy Irons. He decides to persuade the mage council to force her to hand over
her sceptre, which controls the Yellow Dragons. She can't have this, seeing as this
would give the mages near God-like power. So, she sets her own mage friend to deciphering
a scroll to tell her where the location of the sceptre that will allow her to control
the Red Dragons. Via a magical spy, Irons' megalomaniac finds this out, and he sets
his cronies out to steal the map, kill the mage, and find this sceptre.
(okay, in D&D terms, these would constitute the NPCs: non-player characters)
Tee movie opens before any of this is told (outside of the basics on how the kingdom
is run) and we see Irons trying to create a magical sceptre to control Green Dragons.
The experiment is a failure, and he is forced to kill the dragon. The dragon's blood
leaks into the water which leads into the river, and the river is set on fire.
This is all the peasants see, water being set on fire coming from the mages' tower.
Enter Ridley and Snails (played by Marlon Wayans), two young thieves who are also good
friends. Ridley persuades Snails that now would be the best time to do some thieving
at the Magic School (another tall tower). Snails reluctantly agrees. As they do this,
they are found out by a young female magic user (whose name escapes me), who was helping
her master decipher that damn scroll. She witnesses her master's death, and she unwittingly
drags our loving thieves into this entire mess, including her escape through a magic door
which she foolishly enough neglects to close behind her. In hot persuit are the cronies,
and they disturb the sleep of a dwarf (and I don't think his name is ever uttered through
the entire picture), who attacks the mages in anger and then follows our young heroes into
their dangers and adventures.
(in D&D terms, these four would constitute the Players)
That's the plot. These four must do their best to find this magical sceptre that controls
the Red Dragons and return it to the Empress.
Didn't I say that the plot was to laugh at?
Okay, so the stage is set, and they have some adventures as they attempt to complete this
little quest. These adventures are fun, I'll admit. One has Ridley (the main protagonist)
going thorough three rooms of traps, and watching him do this is great. Watching Ridley
and Snails work is great, too. The first time we watch them do their thing in the Magic
School is fabulous fun.
And Jeremy Irons! Damn! You can tell that most of the actors in this movie were having
a ball, but Irons shines through in this. He hams it up in his role as the megalomaniac
mage who wants to rule the kingdom. He hams, overacts, and you can tell just by watching
him, that's he's having the time of his bloody life! Why do great thespians choose movies
like this and ham it up for all they're worth? Simple: cause they're never allowed to do
this in any other movie. That's right, I'm willing to bet that Irons knew this was more-
or-less a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and he milked it for all it was worth. I'd go
see this again just for Irons, who isn't in much of the movie but overacts and hams it up
in every single one of his scenes.
The movie has its bad points as well, though. It's sad, really, that one moment of the
that's supposed to be touching and sad and poignant and a turning point in two of the main
characters turns into a laughable farce as the acting abilities of the poor duo are put
to the test... and fail quite miserably. Quite nearly the entire theatre was roaring in
laughter during this scene.
One other scene was overacted to the utmost as well, but in a bad way. I won't say what
happens, but he shouts "NOOOOOO!" and falls to his knees and slams his fists into the
ground while crying and lamenting and some such. Cheesy? Yes. Does it work? No.
Another poor aspect of the movie was Thora Birch as the Empress (you might remember her
as Kevin Spacey's daughter in American Beauty). If Jeremy Irons overacts in every damn
scene he's in, this young lady underacts in all her scenes. Her mouth barely moves, and
her eyes always have that same damn look in them, whether she's angry or sad or happy or
whatever. I've seen stones show more emotion. It's a role that's highly similar to that
Natalie Portman played in Phantom Menace (ie: Princess Amidala). The difference is, though,
that while Portman was perfect for the role, acted well and all that stuff, Birch couldn't
do a damn thing with this. A better choice for the role would have been Portman, seeing
as she did exactly the same thing in Phantom Menace as Amidala.
Another thing that irked me, and it's just a small detail, is the ear size of the elven
tracker (re: NPC) the Empress sends out to find and fetch the scroll. Her ears start out as being
pointed but small (I thought she was a half-elf). In her next scene, her ears are pointed
but noticeably larger (and noticeably elven). In her next scene, they were somewhere
in-between. Is it just me, or is this lacking in consistence? Yes. Did it annoy me? Yes.
Should it ever have been allowed to happen? No way in hell.
So, is it at all decent? Yes, it most certainly is. It's a fun movie. I walked out of
the theatre with a big-ass smile on my face. I was content with what I had just saw, and
happy that I had had a good time. It'll be even better for those who are familiar with
the game, as they can see instances where the following are quite evident:
Suffice it to say, it's a fun movie with a few problems. Go see it if you want a good time.