STAR WARS EPISODE 1 THE PHANTOM MENACE
i can't belive i haven't reviewed this yet, damn i'm slacking. okay fuck all the critics and people who are sick of the hype, this movie fucking rules and crushes everything in it's path. jar jar isn't that fucking bad and the special effects look better than the first 3 and the plot thickens and the jedi are awesome. go see this again.
BIG DADDY
i dig on adam sandler, he's from new hampshire, he's one of the like 5 famous people from new hampshire (him, aerosmith, gg allin, lisa carver, and the queers). this is his best movie, i cracked up. but i'm not telling you shit about it so go see it
APT PUPIL
this kid of sucked, i heard it sucked and it looked really good so i really wanted to like it but it's pretty bad, horrible acting and of course horrible writing (it was by steven king). a kid becomes obsessed with the holocaust because of a school assignment and somehow tracks down this old nazi war criminal dude who isreal have been looking for for the past 50 years and couldn't find, well they both learn something from eachother and yada yada yada and this is kind of dumb. skip it.
200 CIGARRETTES
pretty good despite having courtney love, it's about new years eve (i'm guessing 1984?) and what a bunch of different people are going through that night and it all centers around everybody going to this one party. the dude from "half baked" was awesome as a pimped out cabbie.
LOLITA
fucking awesome recreation of lolita, they really did an awesome job of this, incase you're retarded and don't know what the story's about: this guy was in love with this girl when they were both 14, then she died a couple weeks later and he always found himself attracted to young girls from then on (searching for that girl in other girls) and he moves in with meg ryan because his daughter is a hella fine 14 year old (apparently she was 12 in the book but whatever) and he lusts after her and finnally the mom dies and so him and lolita (the 14 year old) get busy but she's a skitzo and he's a skitzo so it fucks up and she leaves him and he freaks out and kills this dude. go see it.
GROPING AMERICA
must be seen to be belived. it's a "shockumentary" about a group of people called the "train gang" who go on amtrack trains and grope women, who naturally want, no, NEED to be groped. of course it is about as natural as a porno but it is an interesting watch non the less. it's quite fucked up. but don't watch it if you have any rapist tendencies at all as it will only reinforce them.
RUSHMORE
possibly bill murrays best movie ever, spectacular acting by the main character kid whos real name i can't remember but i belive he plays max, sorry i don't remember but i went to jail yesterday and had an eventfull weekend so i'm forgetting some things. i remember it was wicked good and you should go see it.
VARSITY BLUES
i hate football but this movie was pretty good. i liked it alot. despite all the inspirational cliches and football, it was really funny and well put together and it has sex which sells and is always a good thing.
U-TURN
sean penn plays the man with the worst luck in the world in this actually pretty damn good oliver stone flick. tons of famous people in it, surprised it wasn't a much bigger movie, anyway, sean penn is a low life hustler type guy who apparently owes the mob a shitload of money for something (they never specify what) and is on his way to las vegas or california or whatever (i belive his story changes during the movie) to get the money so they won't kill him (they already cut off 2 of his fingers) but he makes a wrong turn and it totally fucks his day/life up cos everything imaginable goes wrong. it's pretty damn funny, especially toby n tucker (tnt). go see it cos i won't tell you any more about it
I GOT THE HOOKUP
this was thee most racist movie i've ever seen. i thought it was a movie with a plot but it's just a standup comedy showcase produced by master p, so you know that means quality (i am fucking joking). racist joke after racist joke that are apparently only funny if you're an idiot and you're black. i won't lie, there were like 5-6 funny jokes in this entire 2 hour long movie, but that's also out of like 8 different comedians. you could skip this one. it's not even bad good, it's bad bad.
AMERICAN HISTORY X
this review is actually going out by request (hi leisha). okay i thought this movie fucking kicked ass, for some reason i'm a nazi film buff, i love watching them, there's something fascinating about being able to watch the culture from a distance and not get hurt (physically), welp, this is the story of the bad ass nazi skinhead in town (venice beach, ca) who kills 3 black guys for breaking into his car and i guess being on his property (one guy gets curbed in a particularly ill scene) and he gets caught and goes to jail for like 3 years during which time his little brother becomes a nazi skin and starts hanging out with all his old friends and is "headed down the same path" when he gets out completely changed by the dumb fuck nazi's in prison that raped him and he decides to get his family out of there and take care of them and then his little brother gets shot at the end and i just spoiled the whole thing for you ha ha ha ha ha.
NIAGRA NIAGRA
this movie was cool, it's a somewhat typical plot but they did it well and had good direction, some girl (i forget her name) is all fucked up and has tourettes syndrome and a bunch of other disorders and freaks out all the time and all that helps her is getting shitfaced drunk and fucking, in this case, fucking the guy that played eliot in e.t., well he's older now and very gen x looking with his trenchcoat and all but i won't start dissing the movie now when i already said i liked it. okay, they meet in a hardware store where they apparently like to hang out for some reason, and they fall in love and their lives suck shit so they decide to leave and go to canada and live a life of crime (hey, why not?) well, her "ticks" create some zany antics and get them in a heap of trouble like getting him shot with a shotgun by some psychopath pharmacist for breaking in to get her medication that he wouldn't sell them because he "knows those drug addict kids" and apparently has some deep seeded issues with them, and they meet this fucked up old farmer guy who has some fucked up relationship with a chicken and she accidentaly kills him, or doesn't kill him but beats the shit out of him and they steal his truck and make it to canada and go to this toy store there to get a black barbie head which was apparently the goal of the movie and all they have is white ones except for the display model and he tries to steal it but is caught and asked to leave and she fights the cops and gets shot in the face and dies and i think he commits suicide but they didn't make that clear. this ones a keeper.
MY NEIGHBORS DAUGHTER
this was a movie i watched with my girlfriend on lifetime yesterday (and no it wasn't her idea to watch lifetime, the station for divorced 40 year old lesbians) it is a lolita rip off only with the race factor thrown in, there's a 30/40 something guy who's nice to everybody and has a bitch wife who's always like "i don't think you like the baby, you never spend time with the baby" and apparently he befriends his best friends daughter while getting her involved in gymnastics to keep her away from boys, but it ends up doing the opposite and they get it on in a couple of steamy made for tv scenes. anyway there's some psycho stalking the little girl that works at the junkyard and he's really not that important a part of the plot when it comes right down to it and the shit hits the fan when somebody narcs the guy out and he's arrested for statatory rape andis subsequently left by his wife and fired from his job and he decides to flee the country with his underage partner but the plan is foiled when him and mr. stalker get into a death match where mr stalker dies and he says the girl has to stay to clean everything up and he takes off. um, you could skip this one.
MERCURY RISING
this movie fucking sucked. it's a lame ass formula government conspericy flick about a 9 year old autistic boy who stumbles across a billion dollar government supercode in a puzzlebook (they were testing it out to see if anyone could crack it sure they wouldn't) so he calls them up and they put a hit out on his lafe and kill his parrents and a bunch of other people. you end up rooting for the bad guys, the kid is annoying as fuck cos he's autistic and freaks out if you touch him and you don't know him ("STRANGER!!!!!") and the bad guys make a more valid point: they have thousands of people working in intelligence for the u.s. all over the world that will be killed if this code is exposed and the life of a 9 year old autistic boy is not worth that of thousands of other people, but it doesn't matter to bruce willis cos he feels it's wrong solely based on the fact that it's a 9 year old boys life they're talking about and doesn't put things in perspective and in fact kicks alec baldwin down when alec tries to explauin this to him. i say kill the kid, kill bruce willis and kill the stupid idiot bitch they get to watch the kid and suddenly become an important part of the plot out of nowhere.
THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO
this has chloe seveginy in it so i had to see it. it's fucking weird though. no concrete plot but it's a big adult movie. it's in the early 80's but everything looks 90's, they did a shitty ass job of recreating the early 80's, actually it's almost comical that it's even supposed to be the 80's because there's lots of stuf in it that wasn't around i the 80's and everybody looks like a late 90's bostonian retro person trying to be 80's but doing a bad job of it. and then some of the characters don't even try that hard and just plain look like they could be on the last season of seinfeld. well they all grow up and bla bla bla. it wasn't that good it wasn't that bad see it if you want.
BIG BALLERS
this movie advertises that it features "real life ballers" and while i do know some ghetto slang i can only speculate that a baller is one who sells cocaine cos that's all this movie is about. "scarface" done on a camcorder written directed acted and produced by and for ghetto ass players. that chick from the real world miami is in it too, weird. this is about the seedy underbelly of cocaine dealers in miami and how they gonna control the whole city and if they can do that the whole state and if they can do that the whole country and if they can do that the whole world dawg. parts of this movie are completely incoherant to anyone who is not in the movie. truely low budget and trying to be master p. (sad). needless to say i loved it and recomend it to anyone.
SLUMS OF BEVERLY HILLS
this movie was friggin awesome. it's about a 14(?) year old girl and her family who endlessly migrate around beverly hills to keep the kids in the "good schools" but they're poor as fuck so they get kicked out everywhere or leave in the middle of the night to move to a new place, and the dad is always bumming money off his well off brother untill he cuts him off and he ends up taking in his rich brothers fuck up daughter, who is in her late 20's (marissa tomei) and who bounces from rehab to rehab throughout her life, but she moves in with them and the brother hooks them up with a phat pad for free and it's all worth it just to see marissa tomei and the other chick dance with this gigantic vibrator to "we want the funk".
A BROTHERS KISS
this is the tender story of 2 brothers who grow up in new york with an alchaholic hootchie mother and no dad and they don't do drugs or drink cos it's not proffesional but they do however stab a cop and party all night long untill the break of dawn. the fact that justin pierce (casper from "kids") is in it is reason enough to see it and like it (he kicks ass), but it's also got marissa tomei in it (deja vu?) and rosie perez. it's actually quite good and has many quotable lines. okay so their lives all fuck up and it has no happy ending and the moral is don't smoke crack so there, i ruined it for you.