nathan jin hwang

All my life I have wondered really who I was. Something past a name and a face in the crowd, something more. Since I was a little boy, my father emphasized what my Korean name meant to me. Jin. Truth. Something solid and unquestionable. Funny that I think about it now, even though I lie as much as the next person. I find the truth hard to accept sometimes. Hard to tell sometimes. But the truth is like the annoying pest that won't go away; just when you think you've completely avoided, it comes back. My first name, what I am more commonly called by, my parents never told what it meant. I always assume that I was named after Nathan, the prophet is Psalms, but I am not sure. Nathan means gift or gift from God. I think that name is secretly ironic because I have been little better than a nightmare for my parents. My mother always called my brother Mr. Sunshine because he always made my family smile; I was always told that I was their dreams. But sometimes don't come true as I have learned. Yet time will tell if this is true.

So my existence is a struggle between two titles that I neither earned, or live up to. Perhaps my name was more prophetic of how my life would not be. However, I am not completely a cynic of yet. I still hope that one day, that I will be able to live up to my name. And maybe more importantly, my parents dreams.

So will I ever live up to my name? I don't know. But I know the importance, even more importantly the meaning being them, both literally and personally. As Shakespeare asked, "What is in a name?" I answer, "My sanity, my security, my identity."