Lina: Lots of stuff happened and then it was over. The END!!!!!
Me: Ahem. “Once upon a time there was an obnoxious sorceress who didn’t get paid or fed for her hard work.”
Lina: Squeak! *flees*
Me: That’s better. Now, there was a girl named Lina who lived in her run-down old house on a farm with her older sister.
Lina: Eeep! You mean… SHE’S… here?
Luna: Hi, sis.
Lina: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs like hell*
Luna: Would you come back here and stop crying, you wuss?! I’m not gonna kill you!
Lina: Yes you are!
Luna: No I’m not.
Lina: Yes you are! If you were selling naughty pictures of ME, I’d do the same thing!
Luna: Look, I owe you for getting that dragon chick to stop hassling me about saving the world. Can we have a truce?
Lina: …Fine.
Me: Anyway! They were very poor. Luna worked her butt off as a waitress to support them. Lina was too much of a dreamer to hold a steady job, though. She would spend her days strolling the countryside with her little fox Jiras, daydreaming and singing to herself…
Lina: *singing* Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high… if Gourry gets a Sword of Light then why the $#*&# don’t I?
Gourry: Hey now!
Me: *sweatdrop* Interesting lyrics. Anyway, this particular day, the weather was supposed to be very unstable.
Garv: *on TV in Lina’s house, dressed up like a news anchor* What the hell… where am I?
Me: Just shut up and read the script if you know what’s good for you.
Garv: Thank you for that story, Dynast. Next, with weather, here’s our resident meteorologist, Eris.
Eris: Thank you Garv. Anyway, we have a very unstable weather mass moving over Zephilia. We do not expect any more than a 20 percent chance of severe weather, except in the immediate vicinity of Lina Inverse’s house, where the probability reaches… 99 percent. Ha ha!
Lina: *watching TV in her house* I’m gonna get her if Copy Rezo doesn’t kill her first!
Luna: Gee, it sounds like the weather could be rough. I wonder if I should go to work today.
Lina: You MUST, big sis! We’ll starve if you don’t! You mustn’t ever give up, even if there’s only a one-percent chance that you won’t get hit by lightning!
Luna: Okay, okay, I’ll go, just lay off the inspirational crap.
Lina: *big dewy eyes* Sorry.
Me: But no more than two minutes after Luna left the house, a tornado dropped right on it and tossed it into the air, along with Lina and Jiras, who were trapped inside.
Zelgadis: And just how did you propose to toss said house in the air?
Me: You ought to be able to do it.
Zelgadis: And if I don’t feel like it?
Me: I tell the fangirls where you live.
Zelgadis: Ulp… MEGA BRAND!!!!!! *blows Lina’s house into the air*
Lina: Why me?
Jiras: *gets incredibly dizzy and ralphs all over Lina*
Lina: Eris, I’m gonna kill you!
Eris: *voice echoing through the wind* Ha ha!
Me: The house flew through the air for what seemed like eternity, although it was actually only about two minutes. During this time, Lina experienced an extremely acid-trippy sequence featuring several weird people riding by her window on bicycles.
Deep Sea Dolphin: *riding by the window on a bicycle, singing* I like chicken, I like liver, I want Meow Mix, please deliver…
Fibrizzo: *riding in basket on the front of Dolphin’s bike, ET-style* Fibby phone hoooooommmmmmmeee…
Lina: *sweatdropping* Eh?
Dolphin: Oh! Here you go Fibby-chan! *hands him a cell phone* Be careful with that, in time you could develop a tumor…
Fibrizzo: Dial 1-800-COLLLLEECCCCCCCCCTTTT… save a buck or twooooooooo…
Dolphin: *riding off* Oh, I WISH I were an OSCAR MEYER WIENERRRRRRRRRR…
Lina/Jiras: *sweatdrop*
Me: Finally, the effects of the spell-er, tornado, wore off, and the house came flying back down through the sky and landed with a crash.
*sound of breaking glass*
Me: *rolls eyes* Um, yeah. Lina gathered herself up from the floor and, with Jiras following her, opened the door and stepped out…
Lina: What the hell?! When did I arrive in Disneyland?!
Me: And her off-color comment was actually semi-appropriate, for she was in a Technicolor land of weirdness. Green, grassy mounds surrounded her, and on all sides were the most peculiar-looking houses… houses made of… ASBESTOS?!
Lina: Asbestos? Who would build a house out of asbestos? Isn’t that stuff toxic?
Me: *looking around* XELLOSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Xelloss: *hides pen behind his back* What?
Me: Make any more changes to the script and I’ll get some girl to stick you in a yaoi with Fibrizzo.
Filia: Don’t do it, he’d enjoy it.
Me: You’re probably right.
Xelloss: ^^
Me: Anyway, back to the REAL script. Lina?
Lina: Oh my, Jiras… I’ve the strangest feeling we’re not in Zephilia any more.
Jiras: No s**t, Sherlock!
Me: Hey! You’re not supposed to talk!
Jiras: Um, arf?
Me: Lina’s wonder would have to wait, for out of the houses came the strangest-looking little bastards you’ve ever seen.
SD Sylphiel: HEY!
SD Phil: Ho ho ho! What do we have here? What happened to the wicked witch of the east?
Valgarv: *from under the house* I’m down… here… you shrimpy… little… #$*@#&#$&…
Me: And indeed he was; for the wicked warlock had been pinned under Lina’s house, which had apparently landed right on top of him.
Lina: Well, duh! How else did you think he got down there?
Me: If it makes you feel any better, I think this script is just as dumb as you do. Anyway, Valgarv was pinned solidly under the house, with only his right hand sticking out, which clutched a full set of Demon’s Blood talismans.
Xelloss: Retail $29.95 at Toys ‘R’ Us! Get yours today!
Filia: *mace comes flying out of nowhere and hits Xelloss in the head*
Lina: Oohh! Shiny! *grabs the talismans from Valgarv’s hands*
Valgarv: AAAAAAAUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! @#&*@(*#&^!)(#)^$(@&#(*!)&)(*@&$(@&#)(*!@^#^@$(*&@#)(!&)*
$&@)(*#&@!)(*#&!@()*$&@)(*$@&#$*(@&$)(*@&$)*(@#&@*)(#&%(*&@#!!!!!!!!!!!!
*shrivels up*
SD Sylphiel: Holy L-sama, did you see that?!
SD Phil: Amazing!
SD Rezo: What? I can’t see, what happened?
SD Copy: You see? Now he even gets a line before I do! *points finger at Rezo*
All: SHUT UP!!!!!
SD Copy: *sulk*
Filia: *appears* Oh my god! She killed Valgarv! You bastard!
Lina: *clutches talismans* Oh no you don’t, these are my talismans now! Finders keepers!
Filia: It’s just as well. I am Filia, the good witch of the north. I am here to greet the one who slayed the evil witch of the east, Valgarv.
Lina: That would be me. And I’m sure you’re grateful for me killing him, but would you mind telling me where I am?
SD Phil: Why, you’re in Munchkin Land, of course!
Lina: Say what? Munchkin Land?? What the hell are these people smoking???
SD Sylphiel: *ignoring Lina* Hey, everyone! This girl killed the wicked witch of the east! Let’s party!
Other munchkins: HOORAY!!!!!!!!
Me: And at that joyful cry, the citizens of Munchkin Land sprang from their houses and started singing a really stupid song.
Various SD Anime characters: *singing* Ding dong, the trash is dead! Which old garbage? The raw garbage! Ding dong, the raw garbage is dead!
Lina: I see you’ve had a lot of influence here, Filia. “Raw garbage” is becoming a blanket insult for all mazoku.
Xelloss: *pops in* Filia, I’m wounded. I thought you reserved that title for me.
Filia: The only thing I’ve reserved for you is a solid beat-down. Now scram!
Xelloss: ^_^ *pops out*
SD Phil: So, my dear, what is your name?
Lina: My name is Lina Inverse, brilliant and gorgeous supreme-
Valgarv: *weakly* -flat-chested dragon-spooker who killed my master-
Lina: Aren’t you dead yet? DRAGON SLAVE!!!!!!!! *blows her house and Valgarv into orbit* Ahem… gorgeous supreme sorceress.
SD Phil: Well then, on behalf of Munchkin Land, may I present to you our official representatives.
SD Rezo and Copy: *step forward, singing in really creepy falsetto voices* We represent… the psycho priests’ guild… the psycho priests’ guild, the psycho priests’ guild… and since we represent… the psycho priests’ guild, *shoot dirty glances at each other* we… wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land!!!
Lina: *twitch* That does it. LEMME OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jiras: *nodding rapidly in agreement* Arf!!!
Filia: But you can’t leave here. Where would you go?
Lina: Back to Zephilia! Or any place with food!
Filia: Well, if you’re that intent on getting back to Zephilia, there’s only one way.
Lina: What’s that?
Filia: You must go to Amethyst City.
Lina: Amethyst City? What is this, Pokemon?
Jiras: No, thank L-sama.
Me: JIRAS!!!!!
Jiras: *hastily* Woof woof!!!
Lina: Anyway, what’s in this Amethyst City?
Filia: The *choke* great *gag* and *cough* powerful…
Xelloss: Yes? Yes? Do go on. ^______^
Filia: SHUT UP RAW GARBAGE! *beats him down* Let me try again, please. The great and powerful… Trickster of ‘Oss.
Lina: What’s so great and powerful about this Trickster of ‘Oss? I’m the world’s most powerful sorceress.
Filia: Can you get back home by yourself when you don’t even know where you are?
Lina: I guess not.
Filia: Then you must go and see him.
Lina: Will you accompany me, Filia?
Filia: No. Just being in the same dimension as him makes my skin crawl. But I will tell you the way: Follow the yellow brick road.
SD Phil, Copy, Sylphiel and Rezo: *singing* Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road!
Lina: “Yellow Brick” road? As in GOLD brick? $_$
All Munchkins: *still singing* Follow the yellow brick road!
Lina: *sly smile* All right, I’ll do that.
Voice: Hold it right there… LINA INVERSE!
Me: And suddenly the singing stopped dead, for a new figure had appeared in their midst.
Lina: Oh crap, it’s Mintylocks.
Me: LINA! Follow the script and act like you don’t know Martina… or no buffet for you!
Lina: *suddenly changing vocal tone* Oh me, oh my! Whoever are you?
Martina: Martina! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about me!
All: The former princess of Zoana castle, which you destroyed.
Lina: OH! Yeah, I did that, didn’t I? Wow, nostalgia trip. So, what’s up? How’s life?
SD Sylphiel: Now THAT’S shamelessly lifted actual dialogue if I’ve ever seen it.
Martina: I want those talismans you’ve got there! Now that I’m the wicked witch of the west, I can finally get my revenge! Val was delivering those things to me when you squished him like a bug. I need them so I can put a real curse on you!
Filia: You mustn’t give them to her, Lina! If you do, we’re all doomed! *waves her hands and the talismans appear on Lina’s outfit in their usual spots*
Lina: *cracking her knuckles* Like I would have handed them over anyway. *clenches fists* Lord of the Darkness and the four worlds, I call upon thee, grant me all the power that you possess! *talismans start glowing*
Martina: Uh oh…
Lina: BLAST BOMB!!!!!!!!! *blows Martina into the next county*
Xelloss: *pouting* That’s MY spell!
Zelgadis: *muttering* Not in the manga, it wasn’t.
Martina: Arrrrghhhhhh!!! I’ll get you my pretty, and your little chest too!
Lina: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! *starts calling up the Ragna Blade*
Me: *irritated* …Dinner!
Lina: *calming down and powering down* Well, we’re off to see the Trickster of ‘Oss!
Jiras: Arf!
SD Copy: You’re off to see the Trickster!
SD Rezo: The treacherous Trickster of ‘Oss!
SD Copy: Ahahahahahaha! Finally, I got the first line in!
All: Nutjob.
SD Phil, Sylphiel, Rezo and Copy: *singing* You’re off to see the Trickster! The treacherous Trickster of ‘Oss! A treacherous piece of garbage he is, if ever raw trash there was! If ever, if ever raw trash there was, the Trickster of ‘Oss is one, because, because, because, becaaaaaaause… because of the treacherous things he does!
Lina: *singing* We’re off to see the Trickster!
Jiras: *singing* The treacherous Trickster of ‘Oss! I mean, arf!
Me: And so Lina set off down the yellow brick road, with chibi-Jiras in tow. Every so often she would stop to pry a gold brick out of the road and stuff it into her dimensional pocket. In a few weeks, there would be hell to pay at the ‘Oss Department of Transportation’s road repair division…
Lina: Oh well, one’s loss is another’s gain. *kisses brick*
Xelloss: ^____^
Amelia: *shakes head sorrowfully*
Me: It was in the middle of one such brick-swiping attempt that Lina looked up to hear a curious sound…
Gourry: Ow! Ow! Hey, this is really uncomfortable!
Lina: What the hell…?
Me: Looking up, she spotted a wheat field to her left. In it was a rather goofy-looking scarecrow…
Lina: Gourry?
Gourry: Oh! Hey, Lina! What are you doing here?
Lina: Never mind that, what are YOU doing there? Get over here!
Gourry: Um, I can’t.
Lina: What do you mean, you can’t?
Gourry: I’m a little tied up.
Me: And indeed he was, for his arms and legs were lashed to sticks protruding up out of the ground, forcing him to stand erect. He had straw wrapped around his arms and legs and stuffed inside his armor. Nearby were a bunch of ravens pointing their wings and laughing at him.
Ravens: OHHHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!!!
Lina: Naga’s voicing the BIRDS?!
Me: After you roasted her like that, she requested not to be seen on camera.
Lina: ^^
Gourry: Gimme a hand here, Lina! Being a scarecrow really sucks! I have to stand here all day and have wheat for brains!
Lina: *untying him* I thought you had yogurt for brains?
Gourry: Nope, in this story it’s wheat, cause I’m a scarecrow. *opens the top of his head and two slices of toast pop up* Wanna taste?
Lina: No thanks, I prefer white bread.
Gourry: *puts the top of his head back on* Suit yourself. Being a scarecrow is just no fun at all, Lina. I wish I had a brain!
Me: And with that, Gourry launched into a dorky song-and-dance routine, made even more dorky by the fact that, being such an idiot, he forgot half the words to the song.
Gourry: *singing* I wouldn’t be so goofy, I could quote from fifties movies about singing in the rain… I could paint the Mona Lisa, I wouldn’t overcharge my Visa, if I only had a brain! *dances around, trips and falls*
Lina: *helping him up* Hey Gourry, I’ll tell ya what. I’m on my way to see the Trickster of ‘Oss so I can get out of this crazy place. If he can get me out of here, he can probably get you a brain too. Why don’t you come with me?
Gourry: Really? You mean it, Lina? *warily* You’re not gonna Fireball me, are you? Scarecrows burn fast.
Lina: No, I’m not gonna Fireball you. And take that straw out of your clothing. Then you won’t burn so fast.
Gourry: Okay. *pulls all the straw out of his armor* This stuff works great for making you look pumped up. You should stuff some in your bra, Lina!
Lina: WHY YOU-! *THWACK!*
Gourry: Ow.
Lina: Come on, moron! Let’s go see the Trickster. You need a brain, bad.
Gourry: ‘Kay. Should we link arms?
Lina: Eep! *blush* Well… um…
Me: Yes, you should. That’s how the story works.
Lina: *turning really red*
Gourry: *whispers* It’s fine with me if it’s okay with you.
Lina: *smiles, turns even darker red and takes Gourry’s arm* All right, then! Let’s get moving.
Amelia: *starry eyes* That is SOOOOOOO SWEET!!!!
Xelloss: *looking sick* Gag me with a spoon.
Filia: *cheerfully* If you insist! *shoves spoon down Xelloss’ throat*
Xelloss: GACK! *passes out* X_X
Me: *sweat drop* Um… right. So the lost girl and the dorky scarecrow were on their way at last.
Lina and Gourry: *singing* We’re off to see the Trickster! The treacherous Trickster of ‘Oss!
Zelgadis: I am getting REALLY tired of that song.
Me: Don’t get too optimistic, stone boy, you’re gonna be singing it too, soon.
Zelgadis: @#%@#$%@$#.
Me: So Lina and Gourry continued on down the yellow brick road, stopping to eat anything that they could find growing on trees and bushes. Eventually they started to work their way into a forest, continuing to stroll down the road and singing in a festive manner, until a voice interrupted them.
Lina and Gourry: We’re off to see the Tric-
Zelgadis: Hey!
Me: The two stopped in their tracks and looked to the right side of the road, where they beheld a small clearing. In said clearing, a certain chimera stood motionless.
Zelgadis: Hmph.
Gourry: Hey! Zelgadis! Whatcha doing over there?
Zelgadis: Well, there’s a 70% chance that I’m stuck here and can’t move.
Lina: Why’s that?
Zelgadis: Take a look behind me. *rotates his eyes to look at his shadow, which has a knife stuck in the ground in the center of it*
Lina: Ah! *schoolgirl voice* Zelly-boy got Shadow-Snapped!
Zelgadis: Shut up.
Gourry: By who?
Zelgadis: *shifts eyes to glare at me*
Me: Hey, it was either that or the oil-can bit. *points to Xelloss, who holds a 55-gallon oil barrel on his shoulder*
Zelgadis: *sweat drop* O.o Right! So how about undoing the spell Lina?
Lina: Gotcha! Light which burns beyond crimson flame, let thy power gather in my hand! LIGHTING!!!
Zelgadis: *shadow disappears temporarily in the light, negating the spell*
Xelloss: Nuts. ^_^ *goes to look for Filia to try to dump it on her*
Zelgadis: So, what are you two doing in this neck of the woods?
Gourry: *singing* We’re off to see the Trickster! The treacherous Trickster of *WHACK* Ow…
Lina: *rubbing her fist* I’m trying to get out of this crazy place, and jellyfish-brain here’s trying to get some smarts. Why don’t you come with us, Zel? Maybe the Trickster would give you your cure.
Zelgadis: Knowing him, I doubt it.
Xelloss: Give me some credit, Zel! ^_^
Zelgadis: Fruitcake. I guess I’ll go with you since I have nothing else to do. Do I have to do a song?
Me: Yes.
Zelgadis: I don’t wanna.
Me: YOU’RE GONNA SING.
Zelgadis: *folding arms* Nope, nope, nope!
Me: Oh by the way, ladies, Zel’s number is 555-24-
Zelgadis: All right! All right! *singing* I’d be courting a royal girlie, whose big eyes were turning swirlies, looking happy and demure… I’d be a major player, and not just some supporting Slayer, if I only had my cure!
Amelia: *blushing like crazy, hearts on her eyes* Zel, you have such a sweet voice!
Zelgadis: *blush* Ah… Lina? Gourry? Let’s get this show on the road.
Xelloss: *looking ill* I think I’m gonna puke.
Me: And so, the three adventurers set off down the road, once again, singing…
Lina, Gourry and Zelgadis: We’re off to see the flippin’ Trickster, the @#$%$#@% Trickster of ‘Oss!
Me: Um, right. As time went on, they passed deeper and deeper into the forest, still following that yellow brick road, and still swiping bricks from it. The deeper they got, the denser the forest canopy above them got…
Lina: Definitely a high creep factor in here…
Xelloss: *pops in* Oh? Are you scared?
Lina: No way!
Xelloss: You’ve got goose pimples. *pokes her*
Lina: A-ah? AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Xelloss: To say nothing of your vise-grip on blondie there…
Lina: *realizes she’s clutching Gourry* Eep! *blush*
Gourry: Something wrong, Lina?
Lina: N-no, nothing at all.
Xelloss: ^_^ *pops back out*
Zelgadis: Look Lina, just try to take your mind off whatever’s in here.
Gourry: Yeah, like dragons, and mages, and Justice Freaks, oh my!
Lina: Dragons and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my!
Zelgadis: Now you’ve done it, Gourry.
Lina and Gourry: Dragons and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my! Dragons
and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my!
Dragons and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my! Dragons and mages and
Justice Freaks, oh my! Dragons and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my!
Zelgadis: I refuse to do this.
Me: …555-246-
Lina, Gourry AND Zelgadis: Dragons and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my! Dragons and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my! Dragons and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my! Dragons and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my! Dragons and mages and Justice Freaks, oh my!
Lina: Arrrgh! If I keep this up I’ll go insane! I’ve got to take my mind off this. *swipes a brick off the road* Ah, nothing like gold to calm your fear.
Amelia: *standing on tree branch high above them* Halt, gold thief!
Lina: What the…?!
Zelgadis: It’s a Justice Freak!
Gourry: Oh my!
Amelia: *Justice Finger* This road was financed by the taxes paid by the poor, oppressed peasants! I won’t let you vandalize it! My name is Amelia Seyruun, and in the name of Love and Justice-*strikes Sailor Moon pose*-I will punish you!
Lina: Eh, put a sock in it! *chucks gold brick at Amelia and hits her in the head*
Amelia: Ouch! *falls backwards off the tree branch*
Zelgadis: Amelia! *runs over with chimera speed and catches her*
Amelia: *falls into his arms* Huh? Mister Zelgadis! *hearts in eyes*
Zelgadis: Um, hi. *blush*
Gourry: All right, Zel! You saved her!
Amelia: Here’s a kiss for my hero! *plants one on his cheek*
Zelgadis: Um… *turns purple*
Lina: Way to go, you stud!
Zelgadis: *sets Amelia down, looking VERY embarrassed*
Amelia: So Miss Lina, what are you doing wandering through this forest?
Lina: We’re going to see the Trickster of ‘Oss, so I can go home, Gourry can get a brain, and Zel can get his cure!
Jiras: Since I haven’t said anything in a while, ARF!
Amelia: *squealing* PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * reaches down and starts petting him*
Jiras: *contented look*
Zelgadis: *jealous*
Amelia: Well, Miss Lina, I’ll think I’ll come with you. I have something to ask this Trickster too…
Zelgadis: Oh L-sama, not another song…
Me: I’ll make it worth your while, Zel. *snaps fingers and Amelia’s wearing a little sailor fuku like the one she wore for Otome No Inori*
Zelgadis: O_______O *mega blush*
Amelia: *blush*
Lina and Gourry: ^__^
Amelia: *singing* When I make my justice speeches from a tree that’s bearing peaches, I often cause a heart attack… I lose my balance like a baby, good thing Zel-san’s there to save me… oh, if I only had some tact!
Me: Okay, okay, the song’s done now, you can stop grinning like lunatics at their discomfort, Mr. and Ms. Denial. *snaps fingers and Amelia reverts to her usual outfit*
Lina and Gourry: WHO’S IN DENIAL? WE’RE NOT IN DENIAL!!!!!
Zelgadis and Amelia: Rrrrrrright…
Me: And so, the four adventurers linked arms…
Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia: *blush*
Xelloss: *weakly* All this happiness is… killing me…
Filia: Serves you right. ^_^
Me: And continued on through the forest, singing…
Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia: We’re off to see the Trickster! The treacherous Trickster of ‘Oss!
Zelgadis: *pausing in the song and staring at me* That last scene was pretty cutesy for something a guy wrote. Are you SURE you’re not some fruitcake like Xelloss?
Me: That does it!!! SYLPHIEL!!!!!!!!
SD Sylphiel: Yes, sir?
Me: Oops. *snaps fingers and Sylphiel reverts to normal size* All right, everyone watch closely.
Sylphiel: Oi? What? Kebinu-sama? MMPH! ^_^
Me: *French-kisses Sylphiel so hard her cheeks turn purple and her hands start flailing*
Gourry: HOLY SHNICKIES!!!!
Lina: O_o
Sylphiel: Wow… Kebinu-sama!
Me: Sylphiel, I don’t know if I’m as good a kisser as Gourry, but…
Sylphiel: Gourry? Who’s Gourry?
Lina: …whoa…
Me: Now! Any more questions as to my orientation? Or do I have to call Filia out here and demonstrate with her too?
Zelgadis: No SIR!
Filia: *disappointed* Oh poopy…
Xelloss: You’ll always have me, sweetie. ^^
Filia: SHRIEK! *smacks him*
Xelloss: Ow. Well, it was worth a try. ^_^ *slinks away*
Me: Then, on with the story! And as for you… *turns to Sylphiel* I’ll see YOU at the wrap party. *wink*
Sylphiel: *blushes* Um, OK. *runs out giggling*
Me: So while the four Slayers went their merry way, still singing that stupid song, Martina had retreated to her standard evil castle and began to formulate a plan.
Martina: Oh, great Zoamel Gustar, show me the way to take my revenge on Lina Inverse!
*silence*
Martina: Crap.
Me: Rrrrrrrrrrright! We’ll check back on Martina later, to see how she’s doing. Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia finally emerged from the forest they’d been passing through and were near Amethyst City. In the distance could be seen its towering purple spires, shimmering in the sunlight.
Lina: (drops Gourry and Zelgadis’s arms) Man, there it is! I’m tired of walking. I say we just levitate and fly there.
Zelgadis: I second.
Me: Suddenly, the bright sky darkened.
Xelloss: Oooh! Melodramatic. ^_^
Me: Shut up, fruitcake. There was nary a cloud in the sky; on the other hand there was a great flock of…
Amelia: Flying monkeys?!
Zelgadis: Flying fangirls who hate Amelia?!
Gourry: Flying toasters?!
Me: Incorrect, incorrect (fortunately for Amelia) and incorrect unless that’s what your screensaver is. The correct answer is: it was Martina’s fleet of flying NOONSAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! *laughs maniacally*
Lina: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gourry: *rubbing ear* Overreaction, much?
Zelgadis: Not really.
Martina: *watching through large Magic 8-Ball* Wa ha ha ha ha! Feel the wrath of Zoamel Gustar, Lina Inverse!
Noonsas: Hey there, Sweet Cheeks! Our people say we are very attractive! Come and give us a kiss!
Lina: *screams like a banshee and runs back and forth across the field while all the Noonsas chase her back and forth, puckering their lips and making kissing noises*
Gourry: Shouldn’t we do something?
Zelgadis and Amelia: *sitting on chairs and munching on Cheetos* We already are!
Me: Half an hour later…
Lina: HEY! *gasp* GET THESE *pant* FREAKS AWAY *heave* FROM ME!!!!!!!!
Noonsas: Come on baby! Give us some sugar!
Lina: SHRIEK!!!!!! *turns into a red blur*
Zelgadis and Gourry: *looking back and forth as the red blur passes back and forth in front of them followed by a cloud of blue blurs*
Amelia: I’m getting bored, Mister Zelgadis. Let’s save Miss Lina now.
Zelgadis: *standing up* Finally, some action!
Gourry: Everyone with swords, take them out! *Zel and Gourry pull out their swords*
Me: And so, the battle was joined, yadda yadda yadda…
Gourry: LIGHT COME FORTH!!!
Zelgadis: ASTRAL VINE!!!
Amelia: VISFARANK!!!
Me: And it was not pretty. The Noonsas, sorry to say, stood little to no chance against the three powerful warriors. Gourry and Zelgadis made sushi out of them with their swords, and Amelia blew most of them into… ANOTHER DIMENSION!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Zelgadis: Dear L-sama! FUNimation must have picked up the dubbing rights for this fic!
All: *scream like schoolgirls*
Lina: *too tired to scream*
Me: Just kidding. ^_^ She blew them to hell. Afterwards, there was a whole lotta Noonsas lying in pieces on the field.
Lina: *breathing heavily* I’d… Fireball you all… if I wasn’t… so… damn… tired…
Martina: CURSE YOU LINA INVERSE!!!!
Lina: What are you cursing ME for? *I* didn’t kill them… for once.
Jiras: *starts rolling on the dead Noonsas*
Lina: GROSS-NESS!!!!
Amelia: *turning green*
Gourry and Zelgadis: Huh huh-huh… cool! *laugh like Beavis and Butt-head*
Amelia: Let’s get out of here before anything else weird happens.
Me: And so, they linked arms once again, and set off strolling, singing…
Lina: Hey! I thought we agreed to fly!
Me: Oop. My bad.
Lina: RAYWING!!! *scoops up Gourry and takes off flying*
Me: And so, they set off FLYING towards the nearby Amethyst City, with Lina carrying Gourry and Zelgadis holding a very smelly Jiras as far away from him as he could. Finally, they were at the gate.
Zelgadis: *dropping down and flinging Jiras away from him* This better be worth it.
Jiras: *whimper*
Amelia: How do we get in?
Me: That’s a secret.
Lina: *flips me off*
Me: Temper, temper! Okay. They found themselves in quite a predicament. The imposing purple towers in front of them stretched as far to the sides as they could see, and only a small door cut in the shimmering face appeared before them. Next to it was a terminal similar to an ATM.
Lina: Let me handle this! I have all kinds of experience with hacking these things.
Amelia: *exasperated and holding back a Justice Speech* Oh… MISS LINA!!!!!
Lina: Cork it. Okay, here goes. *presses button and a holographic Xelloss appears*
All: XELLOSS?!
Holographic Xelloss: Well, hellooooooo! You have activated the Amethyst City entrance terminal. To know classified government information, press 1. For 1001 coconut recipes, press 2. For fashion advice, press 3. To request entrance to the city, press 4.
Lina: We want entrance to the city! *presses 4*
Holographic Xelloss: Stand by… your transaction is being processed. Would you like a receipt?
Lina: No.
Holographic Xelloss: Please stand by. *opens his mouth and elevator music starts to play*
All: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Twenty minutes later…
Lina: Come on, come on, come ON!
Holographic Xelloss: Standing by for confirmation… five… four… three… two… on-
Me: Suddenly the terminal’s screen went blank and the following message flashed on the screen:
Computer: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. OUT OF ORDER
Lina: O.O;; WHAT THE HELL?! What does that mean?! *clicks on “Details”*
Computer: Program “waol.dnit” performed an invalid q-stk at DGC 1000-485555.
Lina: What does that mean?
Holographic Xelloss: That is a secret.
Lina: @#$%#$%@$#%@$#%@$#!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *starts throttling Holographic Xelloss*
Amelia: Please, Miss Lina, calm down! I’m sure we can still get in. *turns to Gourry* Mister Gourry?
Gourry: LIGHT COME FORTH!!!!! *cuts a hole in the wall with Sword of Light*
Lina: *stops choking Holographic Xelloss* Oh. Never mind.
Holographic Xelloss: Thank you for using AmethystNet! Have a nice day! *disappears*
Me: And with that, they proceded to walk through the gates into Amethyst City… where they were slightly underwhelmed…
Zelgadis: What the… what is with this place?
Me: For there were no towering amethyst buildings behind the façade… in fact, upon further review from the other side the gigantic wall turned out to be a cheap wooden wall stretching from one end of the horizon to the other. The actual city itself resembled a cross between a studio lot and a trailer park. Wide-open spaces, with sparsely-located buildings.
Lina: What the hell is going on here? O.o
Me: Hey, I’m just a college student! I’m not even 21 years old! Do you think I’m made of money??
All: *stick out tongues*
Me: Yeah, well, same to you. As they stood there, looking befuddled and disappointed, a strange person approached them…
Zelas: *Zsa Zsa Gabor accent* Hello, dahling. Can I help you vith zomething?
Lina: Holy jinkies, it’s the Greater Beast!
Zelgadis: What is a Mazoku Dark Lord doing here?
Zelas: *puffing on cigarette* Vhy, I am ze zecretary for my little Xelly-boy!
Amelia: *thoroughly confused* Wait… YOU’RE working for HIM instead of the other way ‘round?
Zelas: *blows out smoke rings* Bazically, yez. It turns out that rahzkal slipped a clahse into his contract that made me his zervant after TRY.
Zelgadis: That guy is the king of all trickery.
Xelloss: ^_^
Zelgadis: That wasn’t a compliment, by the way.
Xelloss: I know. ^_^
Lina: So is HE the dark lord now? *eager to blow Xelloss away*
Zelas: No, dahling, I am still ze Dahk Lahd.
Lina: Nuts.
Gourry: Um… why are wolves surrounding us?
Zelas: T’ink nothing of them. All ov Volfpack Island’s volves live here now. They’re just cuuurious.
Wolves: *sniffing at Jiras*
Jiras: Um…
Lina: Anyway, we’re here to see the Trickster.
Zelas: Vhat for?
Lina: I want to leave this place. Jellyfish-brain needs some smarts. Stone boy needs a cure. And Justice Freak here needs to learn not to be clumsy.
Wolves: *advancing on Jiras with rope*
Jiras: Uh… yipe?
Zelas: I zee. I’ll put out a call to him and zee iv he can verk you into his schedule.
Lina: *charging up fireball* I’m sure he can.
Zelas: *turning around* Oh Xelly-boy? *silence as she communicates telepathically* Some nize people are here to zee you. *pause* I see. All right.
Zelgadis: Well?
Zelas: I am zorry, but he iz buzy right now.
Lina: Busy? What the hell is he doing?!
Zelas: He says it’z a zeeecret.
Lina: XELLOSS YOU LITTLE RAT-SUCKING FINK, IF YOU DON’T LET US SEE YOU RIGHT NOW I’M GOING TO RIP YOUR RIGHT EYE OUT AND SUPER-GLUE IT TO THE LEFT SIDE OF YOUR FACE SO PEOPLE CALL YOU “FLOUNDER FACE” FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
Amelia: …Miss Lina! O_o
Zelas: *silence* Mizz Lina, he says that your negative emotions were very tasty and he’ll see you right avay.
Zelgadis: Fruitcake.
Jiras: *tied to wooden stake while wolves dance around him doing tribal whooping* HELP!
Zelas: Pleaze fahllow me.
Amelia: Hey, where are they taking Jiras?
Jiras: *being carried off by the wolves, still tied to a stake* SAVE ME! I mean, YIP!!!
Zelas: Oh. Initiation. They’ll prahbahbly make him do such vacky t’ings as getting drunk and zinging “Give A Reason” while naked.
Zelgadis: This whole place is as fruity as that Mazoku.
Xelloss: ^______________________^
Filia: *smacks him*
Lina: I wonder why wolves are inititating a fox?
Zelas: Right this way.
Me: And so, the gang, minus Jiras the unwitting wolf-frat pledge, walked over to… a large expanse of nothing.
Amelia: Um… there’s nothing here.
Lina: Thank you for that information Captain Obvious.
Amelia: I try! ^^
Lina: *sigh*
Zelas: They’re here, Xelly-boy! *a door opens up in the air* Right zees vay. He vill zee you now.
Amelia: Verrrrrrrrry sneaky!
Xelloss: You know me. ^_^
Lina: Let’s go, gang!
Gourry: Um… why did we come here again?
All: *fall over*
Me: Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia stepped through the door and were suddenly dumbstruck. They were in a massive, shimmering purple hall of amethyst crystal. The ceiling looked like it could easily be a hundred feet high and the hall itself was more than a football field long. At the end was a raised dais and an empty altar.
Gourry: Whoa, mama!
Lina: Do you have any idea what this must be WORTH?
Zelgadis: Count on Lina to always keep things in perspective.
Me: Are you satisfied? Now you know where all the money on this project went! It cost so much I couldn’t afford to animate the outside!
Lina: Um… I’m gonna shut up now.
Me: Good! Now get walking!
Gourry: Yessir!
Me: Once again the foursome linked arms and started walking down the hall.
Amelia: I wish you wouldn’t say “foursome!” It makes it sound like we’re kinky or something!
Valgarv: You mean you aren’t? O_o
Filia: Don’t be a weird boy.
Me: Would you quit griping and start walking?
All: Sorry!
Me: Don’t be sorry, BE QUIET!
All: SORRY!
Me: *groan* And so, they continued down the hall. There was no smoke, no flashing lights or explosions, because SOMEBODY used up the entire budget on his damn house…
Xelloss: *looks innocent*
Me: But finally, they reached the end and stood before the altar.
Lina: Oh, great and powerful Trickster of ‘Oss! We have traveled far and wide, seeking an audience with you so that you may address our faults!
Zelgadis: Nice dramatic touch.
Gourry: Please, Trickster of ‘Oss, answer us!
*big flash of light and Xelloss appears on the altar, smiling as usual*
All: XELLOSS?!
Xelloss: You were expecting maybe Thomas Edison?
Lina: All right, Mazoku boy. Here’s how it is and how it will be. Gourry here wants some intelligence, Zelgadis wants a cure, Amelia wants equilibrium and I want to go back home to Zephilia.
Xelloss: Hmm… *thinks* Denied, denied, denied, and denied.
Lina: WHAAAAAAAT?! Why not?!
Gourry: Stupid question.
Xelloss: That is a secret.
Lina: *lets out psychotic shriek and starts kicking the ever-living crap out of him*
Gourry: *pulling her off* Hey Lina, if you kill him, then this will all be a big waste of time!
Lina: Damn…
Xelloss: *dusting himself off* Thanks, I needed a little pain fix. Actually, I’d be happy to help you, but I need you to do something for me first.
Zelgadis: What do you want us to do?
Amelia: Stupid question.
Xelloss: That is a secret.
*Filia’s mace comes flying out and hits Xelloss in the head*
Xelloss: Ow. ^_^ Okay, I want you to get rid of the wicked witch of the west, Martina.
Amelia: Why do you want to get rid of Miss Martina?
Zelgadis: Stupid question.
Xelloss: That is a secret.
*The Monty Python foot comes down and squishes Xelloss*
Lina: I’d be more than happy to work Mintylocks over. You’ve got a deal, trickster.
Xelloss: *from the floor* Remember, no Martina, no help.
Gourry: *staring at the walls* Oooh… shiny.
Lina: Come on, you! *whap*
Me: And with that, they turned and left Xelloss’s chamber as fast as their legs could take them. Finally away from the Trickster Priest, they contemplated their next move.
Lina: I’m gonna torture her. I’m gonna crucify her. Real bad.
Zelgadis: Glad to see we’ve reached consensus. Now let’s get out of here.
Jiras: *not chibi anymore, staggers by in a Sublime t-shirt, with a keg under his arm, singing* I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m a midnight toker… sure don’t want to hurt no one…
Lina: That was… random.
Amelia: You wanna link arms again, Zel?
Zelgadis: Ahhh… let’s save it for the wrap party, okay?
Me: And with that, they were on their way. Martina’s designated wasteland was located a convenient hundred feet from the entrance/exit to Amethyst/Cardboard-Cutout City.
Martina: *floodgates open* Why? Why must a princess such as myself be reduced to living in a castle in a wasteland?
Me: Stupid question.
Xelloss: That is a secret.
*Monty Python music starts up*
Xelloss: Huh? Not again! *SQUISH*
Martina: All right, Lina Inverse! You won’t escape me this time. Go, my loyal minions!
Me: Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia were wandering through said wasteland, with the soundtrack blasting out ominous music in a very dramatic fashion…
*more sounds of breaking glass*
Me: Right… anyway, before they knew it, the sky was darkened once again as their latest foes arrived…
500 Vrumugun Clones: Hi there. We are dead. We are very, very, dead.
Lina: ACK! Not him AGAIN!
Zelgadis: *looks cool* Damn.
500 Vrumugun Clones: *in stereo* FREEZE ARROW!!!
Me: And before they knew what happened, the Slayers found themselves frozen and unable to move. The Vrumugun Clones promptly picked them up and carried them to Martina’s castle.
Gourry: Has anyone ever told you your nose looks really weird?
500 Vrumugun Clones: *surround-sound* Yes.
Me: The clones deposited the frozen Lina and her companions in front of the former Zoana princess, who was making an idiot out of herself as usual.
Martina: *hair in curlers, lotion smeared all over her face, walking back and forth in front of them* Hee hee hee! Sorceresses and princesses and chimeras, oh my!
Zelgadis: Shoot me.
*sound of rifle cocking*
Zelgadis: *sweat drop*
Filia: RAW GARBAGE!!!!!! *WHACK!*
Xelloss: Damn. ^_^ *puts rifle away*
Martina: You know, Lina, you could have avoided this trouble if you’d just given me those talismans in the first place. What say you hand them over?
Lina: Over my dead body!
Martina: Well, if you insist! *whips out really big mallet*
Lina: O_o;;
Martina: Ah ha ha haaaa! Time to smash Miss Inverse into Lina kibbles! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Me: What will become of our heroine? Will she be smashed into little itty-bitty teensy weensy pieces?
All: Probably not.
Me: Well, you’ll find out after this!
All: *groan*
Gourry’s voice: LEVITATION!!!!!!!!!
*The camera shows Gourry soaring majestically through the air. Incredibly enough, he actually seems to have succeeded in casting a spell on his own. At about that point he flies straight into a cliff face. At least, we THINK it’s a cliff face. The camera rotates 90 degrees, at which point we see that the “cliff face” was actually the ground, and he was actually falling straight down. The camera slowly pans across the sandy beach that Gourry augured into, eventually coming to rest on Xelloss, who is seated at a desk, about twenty feet away, reading a sheet of paper. He looks up slowly.*
Xelloss: And now for something completely different.
Me: When we last left everybody, Martina was about to demonstrate a physics lesson involving force applied to a frozen and therefore very brittle sorceress by a sledgehammer.
Gourry: What?
Amelia: He means Miss Martina was about to hit Miss Lina with a hammer and break her into little pieces.
Gourry: Oh. *blink blink* Hey, wait a minute! That sucks!
Lina: For once, you crystallized my thoughts, Gourry.
Martina: Say bye bye, Lina! May Zoamel Gustar have mercy on your soul! *lifts hammer and starts to bring it down*
Lina: I’d rather take my chances with L-sama, thank you very much. *winces*
Voice: WAIT!
All: Huh?
Zangulus: *bursts in* Hold it right there, green-haired and sexy!
Gourry: That was… random!
Amelia: Not to mention convenient!
Martina: *squeal* Oooh! What a HUNK! *runs out, comes back in five seconds later with her hair done up and makeup on*
Lina: What are YOU doing here?
Xelloss: *pops in* That is a secret.
Zangulus: *smacks him outta there* I was told there was a bounty on the wicked witch of the west. As the swordsman of the south, the greatest fighter in the land, I’m here to claim it!
Gourry: Greatest fighter in the land, huh? Puh! *snorts*
Zangulus: Huh? Gourry! There you are! Fight me!
Martina: But Zangie, wouldn’t you rather get hitched to me instead? *glomp*
Zangulus: Get off me, woman! *throws her off* We’re going to settle this now, Gourry! HOWLING SWORD!!!!
Me: And the blast from Zangulus’ sword conveniently freed Gourry from his ice prison.
Martina: Oooh! A duel!
Lina: Zangulus is probably going to get his butt kicked by Gourry again.
Gourry: All right! LIGHT COME FORTH!!!!
Me: And with that, the two launched into a duel. After approximately forty seconds, the battle was over; as usual, Zangulus got his butt kicked by Gourry.
Zangulus: Man! I can’t believe Gourry kicked my butt again!
Gourry: *putting Sword of Light away* Give it UP already!
Martina: Yeah, let me take your mind off fighting, Zangie! *glomp again*
Zangulus: Oh, what the hell. Let’s get us a room, baby.
Martina: Yeah! *they run out of there*
All: …
Amelia: Well, that all worked out in a most unusual way.
Zelgadis: Yeah, we didn’t kill her, but we still got rid of Martina.
Lina: Gourry?
Gourry: What?
Lina: Would you mind GETTING US OUT OF HERE?
Gourry: Oh! Sure! *he pulls out his sword and a few colored slashes zip across the screen with loud sound effects, and a moment later the ice blocks around Lina, Zelgadis and Amelia fall to pieces, while leaving them untouched*
Amelia: You saved us, Mister Gourry!
Gourry: Am I good or what?
Zelgadis: That’s my line!
Amelia: Let’s get outta here. It’s time to go back to the Trickster and get our rewards!
Lina: That’s the way to think!
Me: And so, they all strolled out of the castle. As they started back through the wasteland to Amethyst City, Lina suddenly stopped and paused.
Zelgadis: Feeling you’ve forgotten something, Lina?
Lina: Actually, yeah. Oh, I know! *turns around* DRAGON SLAVE!!!!!
Martina: *turning around in time to see her castle get incinerated* NOOO!! Not again! My castle! It’s melting! Meeeellllltiiiinnnnggg! CURSE YOU LINA INVERSE!
Me: And so, Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia linked arms and set off singing, for the final time…
Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia: *singing* For the very last time, thank L-sama, we’re off to see the Trickster, the treacherous Trickster of ‘Oss!!!
Me: Back at Xelloss’ chamber…
Xelloss: Oh my, look who’s come crawling back.
Lina: All right, mop-top. We got rid of Martina, it’s time to hold up your end of the bargain.
Xelloss: Ah… I don’t feel like it. ^_^
All: WHY NOT?!
Xelloss: That is a secret.
Zelgadis: Give me a break! What else must we do to appease you?
Xelloss: That is a…
Gourry: *is poised to shove Sword of Light in a very personal region if Xelloss says “Secret”*
Xelloss: *sweat drop* Never mind.
Amelia: Come on, Mister Xelloss! What more can we do?
Xelloss: *thinks* Well… you could all get cancer and die! ^^
All: CANCER?!
Gourry: What good would that do?
Xelloss: Then I wouldn’t have to look at you any more.
Zelgadis: You are such a d**k, Xelloss!
Xelloss: You’re a d**k!
Zelgadis: YOU’RE a d**k!
Xelloss: YOU’RE a d**k!
Zelgadis: YOU’RE a d**k!
Xelloss: YOU’RE a d**k!
Zelgadis: YOU’RE a d**k!
Xelloss: YOU’RE a d**k!
Zelgadis: YOU’RE a d**k!
Xelloss: YOU’RE a d**k!
Zelgadis: ……………………………
Xelloss: ……………………………
Zelgadis: …YOU’RE a d**k!
Xelloss: YOU’RE a d**k!
Lina: You’re both d**ks! Now shut up!
Zelgadis and Xelloss: *sulk*
Lina: Now listen, Xelloss. You’d better give us what we came for, or else…
Xelloss: Or else what?
Lina: Amelia?
Amelia: Hey Mister Xelloss… *starts singing* LIFE IS WONDERFUL!!!!!
Xelloss: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Okay! Okay! You’re ruthless, Lina! I like that in a woman. All right, I’ll grant your requests.
All: ^_^
Xelloss: Gourry, you now have a brain. *waves his staff*
Gourry: Hooray! *trips on his own feet and falls*
Lina: O_o Wait a minute! I thought you said he had a brain now!
Xelloss: Oh, he does. Now there’s an actual brain in his head instead of sliced bread. I didn’t say it would make him SMARTER.
Gourry: Wouldn’t you know it! *snaps fingers*
Xelloss: Here’s your cure, Zelgadis.
Zelgadis: Finally!
Xelloss: *hands some hydrochloric acid and Brillo pads to Zelgadis*
Zelgadis: What the… O_o
Xelloss: *finger wag* Scrub with that every night before bed and it should come off in five to ten.
Zelgadis: Weeks?
Xelloss: Years. ^_^
Zelgadis: WHY YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING LOW DOWN CHEAPSKATE-
Xelloss: Ah, ah, ah! Flattery will get you nowhere, Zel. ^__________^
Zelgadis: Fruitcake.
Amelia: What about me, Mr. Xelloss?
Xelloss: Ah yes, what about you, my dear? Let’s see… *waves his staff* There. You now have perfect balance.
Amelia: YEESSSSSSSSS!!! HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!!!
Xelloss: Just be aware of the side effect…
Amelia: Side effect?
Xelloss: Yes. You now have perfect balance. However, I couldn’t completely get rid of your instability, and as a result standing on high branches will give you vertigo and cause you to ralph all over the immediate vicinity.
Amelia: …MR. XELLOSS!!!
Gourry: That’s gonna put a real damper on her Justice Speeches!
All: What a shame…
Lina: All RIGHT! My turn! How do I go home?
Xelloss: Are you sure you want to know?
Lina: YES! YES I’M SURE!
Xelloss: Well, all right then. *hands her a song book* You have to dress up in a fuku and sing “Hit Me Baby, One More Time” by Britney Spears. ^_^
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amelia: *screams and clutches Zelgadis*
Gourry: *faints*
Lina: NO! Not THAT! Anything but THAT!!!
Zelgadis: *cradling Amelia* You are without a doubt the sickest, most twisted piece of Mazoku trash in the entire world!
Xelloss: I know. ^__________________________^
Lina: *puts Xelloss in headlock* I hope there’s another way… because if there isn’t…
Xelloss: Hey! Hey! Okay, okay, there is another way… but I don’t think you want to hear it.
Amelia: It’s not hentai, is it?
Xelloss: *wrinkles nose* Not unless… you want it to be! ^_^
Lina: Out with it! *releases him*
Xelloss: Okay. All you have to do is tap your talismans together and say, “Kentucky Fried Chicken is finger-lickin’ good.”
All: WHAAAAAT?! *fall over*
Zelgadis: That’s the stupidest spell incantation I’ve ever heard!
Xelloss: I swear I’m not lying!
Lina: Well, if that’s what does it, then that’s what does it. I guess this is good bye, everyone.
Amelia: Oh, MISS LINA! I’ll miss you! *starts sobbing and clutches Zelgadis*
Zelgadis: *holding Amelia* See you around, Lina.
Gourry: ……
Lina: *seeing the look in his eyes and stuttering* Bye, Gourry.
Gourry: ……
Xelloss: Sappy, isn’t it? ^^
Filia: *snarl* Don’t you have a single romantic bone in your body?
Xelloss: *pondering* Well, technically, I don’t have any bones at all…
Filia: I guess that explains your pronounced lack of a SPINE, Raw Garbage!
Xelloss: *twitch* Raw… garbage?
Me: Please Fi-chan, and you too Xelloss, we’re almost done, don’t start this s**t now. You’re ruining the scene.
Filia and Xelloss: *sulk*
Lina: Well, here goes. *taps the talismans together* KFC is finger-lickin’ good… KFC is finger-lickin’ good…
Me: And for once, Xelloss was true to his word, as the spell began to work its magic and Lina rose into the air in a column of bright light.
Lina: Good bye, everybody…
Gourry: *his new brain suddenly springs into action* LLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *jumps into the light and starts rising after her*
Amelia: Mister Gourry! What are you doing?! *starts forward*
Zelgadis: *lays a hand on her shoulder* Following his heart.
Amelia: *turns to look at him*
Zelgadis: *gives her a little smile*
Amelia: *smiles back and nods*
Xelloss: *looking decidedly green around the gills* That does it. *runs off to puke*
Me: A few moments later…
Lina: *eyes open and she wakes up* Oh man! Huh? *looks around* I’m back home! Whew, I guess it was all a dream.
*silence*
Lina: Okay, that does it. No more extra-large stuffed-crust supreme pizzas before bedtime. *rubbing her head*
Voice: Aw, nuts! Those were always my favorite.
Lina: O_O;; HUH?! GOURRY?!!!! *turns around to look behind her bed*
Gourry: Uh, hi, Lina! Say, could you give me a hand out of here? It’s a bit cramped… ^^;;
Lina: How on earth did you… oh MAN…! *pulls him out*
Luna: *walks in* Hey sis, I’m home. Huh? Hey, who’s the hunk?
Lina: *clutches Gourry* Oh no you don’t, he’s MINE!!!
Gourry: *stupid smile on his face*
Amelia: *busts in the door followed by Zelgadis, Xelloss, Filia, Valgarv, Martina, Zangulus, Sylphiel, Phil and everyone else* Miss Lina!!! Hello!!!
Lina: *wailing* Oh Auntie Em! I just had the strangest dream! You were in it, and so were Uncle Ben and Fred and Bob and Jim-Bob-Joe and Bubba Ray and… wait a minute, I don’t even know those people. Anyway, there’s no place like home!
Luna: *indicating Gourry* Good to see you’re growing up, sis.
Gourry: Now maybe your chest will start growing too!
Lina: GOURRY!!!!!!! *smacks him*
All: *laugh heartily*
Me: And so, the story comes to a conclusion. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Lina: Well, I guess that one could have been worse. *holds up all the gold bricks she swiped* At least I made some money on this one!
Amelia: MISS LIIIIIINNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >_<
Lina: *to me* Did you really have to have all that mushy stuff with me and Gourry at the end?
Me: What? You have a problem?
Lina: *blush* EEP! No, no problem at all. I just wish everyone wasn’t so… presumptuous about us.
Xelloss: Ever heard of that river in Egypt? De Nile?
Gourry: Isn’t that from Sailor Moon?
Zelgadis: *snort*
Phil: *chortling* So, Rezo, it appears you and I have some things to discuss.
Rezo: *turning to face in his direction* Really? Such as what?
Phil: Well, you’re Zelgadis’s grandfather/great-grandfather, eh? We need to set some dates and arrangements for him and my daughter.
Rezo: I believe you’re right. They certainly seem enamored with each other…
Zelgadis and Amelia: *MAJOR LEAGUE blush*
All: WOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: See? At least I’m not putting YOU through that, Lina.
Lina: Okay, good point.
Jiras: *wanders by singing drunkenly* I’m gonna give you my love… Hola-whole-lotta love… hola-whole-lotta love…
Valgarv: %@#$%@#$%#@$%#$@$#@#$%@#$%$#$#@%???????!!!!!!!!!
Filia: *holding back laughter*
Me: That reminds me! *goes chibi* Everyone, let’s head out! It’s time for the wrap party!
Sylphiel: *looks at me* Kebinu-sama? What happened to you-
Me: Huh?
Sylphiel: ^o^ AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! KAWAII KAWAII KAWAII!!!!!!!! *GLOMP*
Me: MMMGHPH… can’t breathe…
Naga: *pries Sylphiel off me* OHHHHHHHHHohohohohohoho!!! What a love starved shrine maiden!!!
Xelloss: I think she has a thing for him.
Valgarv: What tipped you off?
Filia: It’s just a crush, it’ll probably pass.
Me: *brushing myself off* All right, people, let’s move out. *summons his 1976 Oldsmobile*
Lina: How are we all going to fit in THAT?!
Me: *snaps fingers and everybody goes chibi* All right! All aboard! *opens the door and everybody jumps in, Keystone Kops-style*
SD Lina: To the food!
SD Amelia: For Justice!
All: *groan*
Me: And we’re off!
All: BYE!!! *Kebinu turns the car on and drives off as “Slayers 4 The Future” starts to play in the background*
THE END.