a Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Nik

In the beginning...

...all was darkness.

There were no planets that revolved at varying speeds, no stars that shone to banish the shadows, no apelike races called human beings who fancied themselves the most intelligent animals and thought that happiness involved having a lot of little pieces of paper.

All in all, the darkness was pretty boring, so it said, 'Hey, I'm pretty boring. Now what should I do? ...I know! I'll explode!' (This, of course, occurred to it after a few million years of thought, as all things cosmic take an extremely long time to do anything.)

So the darkness let out a big bang, but nothing happened, and off in a really faraway place a divine being slapped His forehead and muttered about having to do everything Himself.

So He said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT."

And then there was light.

But all this has absolutely nothing to do with our story.

*******Part 1 : An Unplanned Detour *******

Ryoga is an ordinary guy.

That is, of course, if you discount the inhuman strength and endurance, ability to channel ki, and knack for getting lost in a paper bag.

But still, Ryoga is a guy.

In other words, he was dense, tactless, and somewhat inept at dealing with members of the opposite sex. Make that incredibly inept.

He didn't go to school like other sixteen-year-olds (because he couldn't find the school), so what he always did was, he walked. He walked far and wide, reaching vast unknown regions and places that are probably really neat, except he usually never pays attention to the scenery, preferring instead to curse Ranma and his own curse.

Summer had come, and it was great, with the sunshine and everything, so Ryoga planned to hike about and maybe accidentally happen upon Nerima and kinda run into the Tendo dojo to see Akane. Then he'd maybe get in a fight with Ranma, with maybe Mousse and Shampoo and Ukyo and Kuno thrown in, plus a whole lot of odd characters. And then maybe he'd wander again, and end up in a nice big place where they'd think he was a prophet, like in 'The Varaiyah Cycle'.

Nowhere on his itinerary was "Falling down a really, really deep hole where the bottom is apparently really, really far away", which was what he was doing at this very moment.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" he screamed, although what that would accomplish was uncertain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" he screamed again, this time for the sheer joy of hearing his own voice. As mentioned earlier, Ryoga is an ordinary guy.

Now, this is going to be pretty tedious, as the hole is really, really deep, so the thoughts of our subject are instead going to be revealed.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!, he thought.

Then, Where am I? I feel like I'm falling. Did that cursed Ranma sneak up on me and push me off a cliff?

He screamed again.

After several seconds, he decided that nothing in his recent recollection would confirm that suspicion. He didn't remember much right now, actually, but he was pretty sure he'd know if Ranma had appeared out of nowhere and attacked him.

So he thought, Okay, so what happened? Did I get drunk or something?

He searched his memory. The last time he'd had a drink was about three nights ago, when he'd been depressed about his current status, which was single and available. Not that anyone bothered to remedy that. Not that he had the guts to do anything about it.

He was still falling, and he thought about screaming again. He was pretty tired, though, so he decided to think instead. Hey, maybe if he wished really hard, he'd find himself in a bright sunshiny field with butterflies and birds and bees and flowers and trees and okay, okay, I'll stop now.

So he thought, I wish...

A bright flash of light interrupted to heighten the suspense, and when Ryoga opened his eyes he was lying on a couch in a living room somewhere. A sound from his right made him lift his head in that direction.

There she was, Miss Thang, the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen in his life. She was more beautiful than Winona Ryder, Liv Tyler, and Gwyneth Paltrow combined. Obviously. It couldn't be that difficult to be more beautiful than a three-headed mutant. Her skin was pale and creamy, her hair looked like silk, and her breasts heaved under her thin sundress as if to say "Yoohoo! Lookie here!" Come to think of it, she might as well have written "Grope me" on her chest; that neckline was pretty indecent.

She smiled at him, and he noticed how nice and white her teeth were. His eyes traveled downward, past her magnificent cleavage to her tiny waist and shapely hips, and still lower to behold perfect legs practically up to her armpits.

Was it him or were her hemline and neckline one and the same?

She swayed closer, and he swallowed. His eyes moved up and down, taking in every inch of her, that silky blond hair, those sparkling blue-green eyes, the luscious lips, the long, graceful neck, her breasts...she's definitely a cup D...that tiny waist, them there legs, that tiny waist, her breasts...wait, she might be a DD...the long, graceful neck, the luscious lips, those sparkling blue-green eyes, that silky blond hair. Yowza.

"Hi," she breathed. Her voice was exactly as he'd imagined, husky and sweet at the same time, though it was pretty hard to manage that. "What's your name?"

Baby, you can call me anything, anytime, anywhere, Ryoga thought.

But since this was Ryoga, all he said was, "Uhhhh..."

Miss Thang giggled. "You're cute. Can I just call you Nick?" She batted her eyelashes flirtatiously at him.

Hentai gears kicked in, and Ryoga fought the urge to say something that would no doubt paint him a pervert in the eyes of this golden-haired goddess.

So he said, "Nick's fine." Actually, it was more a croak.

She laughed. "My name's Jessica. Jessica Wakefield." She smiled expectantly at him.

He thought hard. Jessica Wakefield? Did he know anyone by that name? He was sure he'd remember her.

Another sound came, this time from the left, and he wrenched his eyes from Jessica's substantial assets long enough to catch a brief glimpse of the newcomer. He gaped.

Before him was yet another paragon of perfection, looking exactly like Miss Thang/Jessica. He turned his head to make sure Jessica hadn't teleported and slipped into a more modest outfit. She hadn't.

"Who are you?" asked Miss Thang II in a mild tone, but she eyed him suspiciously.

"He's Nick," Jessica replied smugly. "He's my new boyfriend."

Miss Thang II blinked. "But I thought Nick was your most recent boyfriend who died."

Jessica sniffed. "That's in SVU. This is SVH."

"Ahhhhh."

Ryoga shook his head. "What's going on?" he asked timidly. "Who are you?"

Miss Thang II replied, "I'm Elizabeth Wakefield." She, too, looked expectantly at him.

"Uhhh...that's nice," he said nervously, feeling as though he was missing something here.

"We're the famous Wakefield twins," Jessica said proudly.

"I've never heard of you," Ryoga confessed.

The two stared at him. "Haven't heard of us?" Elizabeth asked incredulously. "Where have you been? Why, we've dominated the bookstores since 100 B.C.!"

"Did not!" Jessica cried. "The models they used on the book cover just looked like fossils! They don't even remotely resemble us!"

"I don't read a lot of books," Ryoga mumbled.

Elizabeth sat down next to him. "You should," she advised in a warm voice. "Books are our friends. Books help us learn and understand life. Books-"

Jessica interrupted by plopping down on Ryoga's other side and snuggling against him. Ryoga stopped his nosebleed by sheer strength of will.

"Tell me a story, Nick," she purred throatily.

Ryoga melted into a huge puddle in the middle of the sofa.

Elizabeth eyed him critically. "Look, if you want to read about two impossibly gorgeous girls (our sheer gorgeousness is always, ALWAYS, described in the opening pages of each and every book) who have all sorts of unbelievable adventures and generally lead soap opera lives, then read SVH." She held up a copy. "This is my favorite in the series. It's 'On the Edge', and it basically tells the whole SVH gang to stay away from drugs by having a minor character, Regina Morrow, die from a single snort of cocaine because she supposedly had some sort of heart condition. What the heck is a 'heart murmur', anyway?"

Muttering to herself, she stood up and left the room.

Jessica moved closer, if possible. If she moved any closer, she would've been an integral part of Ryoga's physical structure. Then she started whispering excitingly naughty things in his ear, and her hands started doing naughtily exciting things to his body, things which we cannot divulge because this fanfic is rated IP for Incredibly Prudish.

(For the lemon version, click here, and if nothing happens, that's because there is no lemon version. But I may change my mind.)

Ryoga sighed blissfully and thought, Wow, this is great. I wish...

Again, a bright flash of light zoomed in front of the camera and started doing a fantastic tap-dance routine, but since it is after all just a bright flash of light, it was quickly on its way, leaving Ryoga in a stunned heap in the middle of a road.

It was a pretty busy road, evidently, and only Ryoga's incredible reflexes kept him from being a pancake or an impromptu hood ornament. He dodged, ducked, zigged and zagged, and finally wound up safely on the sidewalk. People looked at him oddly.

Suddenly, a huge red and green projectile hurtled through the air and smashed into Ryoga, propelling them both through a store window. As Ryoga brushed off the glass fragments from his clothes, the projectile unfolded and revealed itself to be a fairly tall, dark-skinned man with green hair, four eyebrows, and weird, cat-like eyes in a long red coat with the collar pulled up.

"Man, that hurt," Mamoru Kusanagi complained, rubbing his head.

"Who are you?" Ryoga demanded irritably.

Kusanagi sneered at him and puffed out his chest. "Name's Kusanagi, and you'd better not cross me, Aragami!" He lifted his arms, and cute little fin-like thingies sprouted from the sides of his forearms.

Ryoga wasn't impressed. He drew his umbrella and lunged, hitting the other man squarely in the stomach. His opponent fell with a "Whoooof!" and landed on his butt.

"What the hell did ya do that for?" Kusanagi yelled. "You didn't even wait for the neat special effects that

==========================================

We interrupt this fanfic to bring you an urgent, life-shattering, eye-opening, ultra-shocking, world-shaking, deep submerge, mars flame sniper, solar-powered, low-fat, batteries not included message:

THE ANSWER TO THE GREAT QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING IS.........42.

This has been brought to you by Deep Thought, a character from the book, 'The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy', which popped into the author's mind for no apparent reason.

==========================================

usually follow the emergence of these thingies on my arms!"

Ryoga hung his head. He had committed an unforgivable crime in the anime world, a crime only slightly less horrible than interrupting a heroine, say, Sailor Moon, in mid-speech. "I-I'm sorry," he offered in a low voice.

Kusanagi waved his hand. "No biggie. Shall we fight?"

"Why?"

"Aren't you an Aragami?"

"No, I'm a guy from Ranma 1/2."

"Oh. That radically different series, huh?" Kusanagi asked, retracting his fin thingies.

"What's so different about Ranma 1/2 and...uh..."

"Blue Seed. This is Blue Seed."

"Right. What's the difference?'

"Well, Ranma 1/2 has no apparent plot, and it doesn't have Amanda Winn as the voice actress for the lead character, with Tiffany Grant as the voice actress for villainess and/or the incredibly annoying supporting character. (Either way, when Ms. Winn and Ms. Grant get together in a series, they always play the same old roles.) And not all the babes in Blue Seed have impossibly huge bosoms."

Ryoga scowled and tried to think of an argument. "Well...Ranma 1/2 has a plot! It has lots of plots!"

Kusanagi smirked. "Pretty wacky, if you ask me. Who cares about some martial artist with a gender problem engaged to a gorilla tomboy, an Amazon, and a sweet, smart, beautiful okonomiyaki chef? And who cares about all the other characters, who are extras anyway, except the devastatingly clever and sexy Nabiki?"

"Well, what about Blue Seed? How many times has the 'monsters-want-to-destroy-Tokyo-must-sacrifice-maiden' bit been done? I'll need a calculator to count!" Ryoga retorted.

"That's because the highest you can count is five, idiot!" Kusanagi snapped. "Besides, we added a new bit. The 'maiden' has a twin sister who's now working for the other side! Hah! Beat that! And we have an Omake Theater! Double hah! And we manage to flawlessly combine humor with drama, so there!" He stuck his tongue out for emphasis.

He was interrupted by the appearance of SD Blue Seed characters, dancing around and screaming, "OMAKE! OMAKE!"

"Ahhhh, shit, is the episode over already?" Kusanagi slapped his forehead. "Look, kid, gotta go." He sprang away, and a bit later Ryoga heard Kusanagi's voice saying, "There's no way you can beat me this time!"

Then another voice answered him, this one deep and obviously belonging to a series villain. "I've told you several times in the last episode, there's no way an imperfect fool like yourself can defeat someone as perfect as me."

Ryoga threw up his hands. "Great! Geez, I wish..."

The bright flash of light wasn't available, but the second cousin of his wife's brother's mistress' boyfriend's stepmother was. So this second cousin flashed, of course to heighten the suspense, and faded gradually, revealing Ryoga blinking rapidly as he took in the loud, pulsing rhythm that reverberated through the makeshift stage, the swirl of bodies dancing around, and some guy shaking his butt and singing.

She makes you live the crazy life and takes away your pain

Ryoga was confused. How could a bullet through the brain take away pain?

"By the livers of the pet frogs of the Seven Lucky Gods!" Ryoga cursed. "I'm in a Ricky Martin video! I have to get out of here!" Frantically, he searched for an exit, but there appeared to be none. Then something clicked in his brain.

Wait, he thought, I keep landing in all these weird places. How do I get out of them?

With great effort, the gears in his mind worked. Slowly, ever so slowly, something came out, something monumentally important.

So Ryoga removed his backpack and started wolfing down some instant ramen near the edge of the dance floor, where hopefully no one would notice him. The ramen tasted awful, and it was probably because he hadn't cooked it. Hmmm.

Ryoga thought, I wish...

Now, the second cousin of the old light's wife's brother's mistress' boyfriend's stepmother was currently on his way to Alpha Centauri, so his fifth cousin, twice removed, substituted to provide us with the same old bright flash whose obvious role in this entire thing Ryoga hasn't figured out yet.

Ryoga groaned and opened his eyes, spitting out an uncooked noodle. He was in an apparently empty rooftop of a fairly large building, so he assumed the petunia...oh, wait, the lotus position, and meditated.

Why am I here?, he asked his subconscious.

Silence.

Again, Why am I here?

No answer.

Still no answer.

Then, from the deepest recesses of Ryoga's mind came a voice. It said, "I'M WATCHING TV, ASSHOLE! DO YOU MIND?"

Ryoga snarled back at it, Tell me why I'm here and I'll leave you alone!

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!" his subconscious snapped. "LOOK, IDIOT, HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED THAT EVERY TIME YOU SAY OR THINK 'I WISH', A BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT APPEARS AND TELEPORTS YOU TO ANOTHER LOCATION?"

Ryoga blinked several times. "Oh, yeah!" he said aloud. "It's so obvious! Why didn't I figure it out?"

"Shut up," Ryoga growled, standing up. So, that bright flash of light came whenever he said 'I wish', huh? "Why, that evil flash of light! I oughta-"

A bright flash of light came.

"Do what, sonny?" asked the great-grandmother of the original flash of light. She waved a cane made of light particles at him. "You wanna do what to my great-grandson?"

Ryoga ducked his head. "Um, nothing, ma'am. Don't mind me."

"I sure won't!" she cackled.

Ryoga lifted his head and said, "Wait."

"What can I do fer ya, sonny?" she asked, turning her hearing aid up.

"Can you take me to your great-grandson? I need to talk to him!" Ryoga said.

Great-granny considered. "Well, he's on Alpha Centauri right now, with the second cousin of his wife's brother's mistress' boyfriend's stepmother and the fifth cousin of that fellow. Those Alpha Centauri folks wanna see my grandson's tap-dance routine. But, sure, I'll take you there!"

Ryoga sighed and rubbed his eyes. All this flashing really hurt his baby blues. Wait, his eyes weren't blue. Whatever.

Great-granny zoomed up the stage where Bright Flash I was tapping along. Pulling his ear, she dragged him over to where Ryoga stood and threw him at the lost boy's feet.

"Hi," Ryoga said, cracking his knuckles, "I want to ask you a few questions."

Bright Flash I dusted itself off. "Yeah, hey, whatcha wanna know, man?"

"Why do you keep teleporting me?"

"Well, hey, man, I only teleported you twice. The third one was the second cousin of my wife's brother's mistress' boyfriend's stepmother, and the fourth was his fifth cousin, twice removed."

Ryoga's head throbbed in time with the twitching of his hands. "Well, why did you and your friends keep doing it?"

Bright Flash I shrugged. "Hey, man, it was an accident, y'know? I was just passin' along, you happened to be in the way, took me a few seconds to realize I had excess baggage, so I dumped you, y'know?"

Ryoga went for his throat.

"Ack! Great-granny! Help!" Bright Flash I cried. Then, after a few seconds of thought, he said, "Hey wait a minute, I'm a bunch of light particles, I can move at incredible speeds!" To Ryoga, he said, "Toodles, dude!"

And he vanished in a bright flash of light.

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!" Ryoga cried.

"Hey, yeah, what's going on here?" asked the second cousin of Bright Flash's wife's brother's mistress' boyfriend's stepmother.

"You!" Ryoga howled. "Why did you teleport me?"

"Dunno what you're talkin' 'bout, man!" the second cousin of Bright Flash's wife's brother's mistress' boyfriend's stepmother (who we shall henceforth label Bright Flash II) said defensively. "Like, ask my fifth cousin!" He indicated his companion, who held up his hands.

"I was under orders, hey?" replied the fifth cousin, twice removed, of the second cousin of Bright Flash's wife's brother's mistress' boyfriend's stepmother (Bright Flash III, predictably).

"By who?" Ryoga snarled.

"Sonny," great-granny interrupted, "you keep doing your face like that, it'll freeze and no girl will ever want you!"

Ryoga instantly smiled charmingly.

"Better," great-granny commented.

Bright Flash III spoke up, "Hey, man, no hard feelings, hey? I was ordered by this guy from the planet Gigaloo."

"Where can I find him?" Ryoga asked through gritted teeth.

Bright Flash II replied, "Oh, it's no problem, hey? Just go to Cloud Nine, turn left at the silver lining, and follow the rainbow to its end! Hey?"

"Huh?"

"I'll take you there," said Bright Flash I, turning up, "since this whole mess was my fault."

"Okay," Ryoga said warily.

Flash.

*********************************

Ukyo is an ordinary girl.

That is, if you discount the cross-dressing and the weird choice of weaponry.

But still, Ukyo is a girl.

In other words, she's smart, intuitive, and capable of twisting members of the opposite sex around her little finger.

She went to school, like all the other sixteen-year-olds except Ryoga, ran a restaurant, and competed in the Miss Ranma 1/2 '99 competition. But now, summer had come, and it was great, with the sunshine and everything, so Ukyo planned to take a little vacation somewhere with sand, surf, and handsome cabana boys.

Nowhere on her itinerary was "staring at an impossibly gifted alien space creature wearing a really skimpy outfit while hanging from the wall of a well-furnished office".

She exhaled glumly.

What this has to do with our story will be revealed some scrolls down later.

*******Part 2 : Ohhh, I Get It *******

The building was huge. Not huge like the statue of Liberty was huge, but huge like a thousand-foot tall ice cream cone is huge. Incidentally, the building can most accurately be described as a thousand-foot tall silver ice cream cone.

Ryoga looked at it dubiously and turned to the three Bright Flashes, two of which had tagged along to collect their paychecks. "What is this place?"

"It's the headquarters of Sperm Company," replied Bright Flash I casually.

Ryoga made a choking noise. "W-what?" he stuttered.

"C'mon, man," Bright Flash II said, tugging his arm, "I gotta go get my paycheck, hey? Takin' my girl out for a night in town, see?"

And so, the three Bright Flashes, whose names, incidentally, are Larry, Moe, and Curly, took Ryoga with them to the seventy-fifth floor, where the company's president's office was located.

Larry marched right up to a random door and kicked it open.

Six incredibly huge humpback whales, a couple of shiny dolphins with horns, and an unknown purplish sludgy substance stared at the newcomers. They were seated around a long table of indeterminate composition, probably having a board meeting.

"Hi," Moe piped up, "I'm here for my paycheck."

"Me, too," Larry said, shouldering him aside.

"How may I help you?"

Everyone turned to stare at the speaker, who was sitting at the head of the table and was wreathed in shadows. But a hint of white could be seen here and there, and the outline of the speaker was easily discerned. It was a whale, apparently.

Ryoga decided to speak up. "Hey, look. Why the heck did you pay these bozos to teleport me around?"

"Who you callin' a bozo?" Larry demanded.

"He hasn't even paid us yet, hey?" Moe yelled, and Curly nodded vehemently.

"Gentlemen," said the shadowy figure, "and you, too, ape boy, you're disrupting this meeting. Ask my secretary to escort you to my office."

"And if we don't?" Ryoga demanded, scowling. 'Ape boy' wasn't that different from 'pig boy', after all.

"Then my bodyguards shall throw you out the nearest window." Three hulking figures with rippling biceps and pug-ugly faces appeared from behind Ryoga's group and started cracking knuckles.

"Ha, piece of cake," Ryoga sneered. He drew his umbrella...

...and a pair of slender arms wrapped around his waist, effectively distracting him. Or it might have been the two soft lumps that Ryoga felt pressing into his back.

"Hey," Sally the Sexy Secretary said sweetly, "wouldn't you prefer my company to theirs?"

Ryoga dropped his umbrella and slowly turned around.

There she was, The Bomb, the sexiest alien creature he'd ever seen in his life. Her face and form superficially resembled that of a human female, but whoa, baby, that body just has no comparison. Her truly fantastic bosom heaved, not merely defying gravity but taunting it, and her legs-gods, her legs!-were literally out-of-this-world. Multiply sexy and bombshell, add gorgeous and divine, then raise all that to a power of ten, and you get a description of her body.

Oh, yeah, her face was okay, too.

Ryoga flushed a deep crimson. "Errr...." he began.

Larry, Moe, and Curly danced around Sally. "We like your company!" they cried.

Sally laughed. "Oh, hi, boys. Your paychecks are with me, but they're in a very special place." She shrugged her shoulders, making her twin moons bounce up and down. The three watched 'em go with wide eyes. Then she reached into her V-shaped neckline, deeper, deeper, even deeper--is that a pocket dimension inside her cleavage?--and finally stopped, retrieved something, and presented the three stooges with three glittering, shiny silver rocks.

"Cool!" they chorused. "Gotta go now!" And so they vanished out of Ryoga's lives in a bright flash of light three times brighter than usual.

Ryoga opened and closed his mouth, trying to think of something to say. Finally, he came up with, "What did you give them?" He grabbed his nose as his mind decided to replay the means with which she'd retrieved the shiny rocks, and in slow motion, too.

Sally laughed and gently guided him into a huge office. "Their paychecks, of course. Genuine polaps, the most precious mineral among their specific species. Makes them flash brighter and move at speeds in excess of nine point five gargoseconds."

"Uh, right."

The office was dimly lit, and there, behind a gargantuan desk, sat the same shadowy figure that had been in the meeting room earlier. "Come in," it said.

"Who's that?" Ryoga asked, stopping just inside the door.

"Sidney the Sperm Whale, " Sally answered. "The owner of Sperm Company, which in turn owns practically all the sperm banks in the Milky Way Galaxy."

Ryoga's eyebrows vanished as they shot up past his hairline. "Sperm banks? Even the ones on Earth?"

"Except the ones on Earth, which is why you're here," Sally said. "Now get in there." She turned to go, giving Ryoga a spectacular view of her oh-so-shapely behind, but then turned back and pulled him down so she could whisper in his ear.

"He's a bit...out of it, by the way."

And she sashayed out of Ryoga's line of sight, which was a cause for tears. Squaring his shoulders, he turned back to the shadowy figure, and now it must be noted that he had been too busy staring at an up-close view of Sally's bosom to absorb the last bit of information she'd given him.

"Welcome, welcome," Sidney exclaimed. "And how have you been, ape boy, I mean, Earthman? Can I do anything to you, I mean, for you?"

Ryoga blinked and took a seat in front of Sidney's desk. He leaned forward and said, "Hey. What's the idea? How come your boys keep moving me from one place to another? What nefarious scheme are you planning?"

Sidney chuckled and rubbed his fins together. "Come, it's not so nefarious. You see," he leaned forward, "sperm banks are very much in demand ever since they were created. And so, I, being the only spawn of very wealthy space ship magnates, decided to expand on daddy and mommy's business. I bought each and every sperm bank there is, and I've been raking in a fortune. A fortune, kid, don't you see?" He laughed and leaned back in his chair, lacing his fins together.

"Uhhh...why are sperm banks in demand?" Ryoga asked. "Surely there's no shortage of...um, that is..."

Sidney laughed. "Well, it all started with the Female Life Form Liberation Movement, which of course none of the male life forms bothered to notice. But then Rowanda the Ravishing Reptilloid decided to write a book about how female life forms everywhere were being manipulated, abused, stepped-on, and all that. The title was very eye-catching, I'll tell you that."

"What was it?" Ryoga asked, though he was sure he didn't want to know.

"Well, see, there was a lot of controversy when she was thinking up a title," Sidney replied. "First she wanted, Cut Off the Most Important Part of Their Anatomies, Who Needs 'Em?, but some thought it was too harsh, so she proposed, Why We Gals Have to Stick Together, which was too...prissy, so she thought of F*** All Male Life Forms!, You All Deserve to Die Writhing While Being Consumed by Maggots!, but that was way harsher than the original, so I stepped in, acting all sympathetic, and suggested a title which was mutually beneficial, hehe."

"Which was?" prompted the lost boy, wishing this guy would just get to the point.

"The Joy of Sperm Banks."

Ryoga nodded. "Smart."

"Business boomed!" Sydney said happily. "And by that time, I had controlling share of nearly all sperm banks in this galaxy!" He leaned forward and fixed Ryoga with a gaze, which Ryoga didn't notice because a whale's eyes are on either side of its broad head, so when faced with one you can't tell where it's looking. "Therein lies the problem. I want to own all the sperm banks in the galaxy, but some schmuck of an Earth sperm whale refuses to sell. That's where you come in."

Ryoga looked confused. "A sperm whale refused to sell? That's ridicu-" He thought for a moment. Wait, I've been teleported around, met vivacious babes and not-so-nice guys, and now I'm talking to an alien space whale. He shrugged. "Never mind. Get on with your story."

"You have to get Lyle to sell, kid," Sidney begged. "I'll pay a lot!"

"Aren't you being greedy?" Ryoga asked. "I mean, aren't you satisfied with what you have? Aren't you content?"

Sidney looked at him blankly.

"I mean," Ryoga explained, "isn't it enough that you're really, really rich? Do you have to stupidly rich to be happy?"

"Great idea!" Sidney beamed. "I had only intended on being really, really, really, really rich, but you're on to something there. I'll buy all the sperm banks in the universe!" He chuckled madly and thrashed his tail.

Ryoga buried his head in his hands.

"C'mon, kid," Sidney cajoled, "I'll pay a lot! Really, I will!"

"No," Ryoga said flatly, standing up. "I won't do it. This is crazy. Take me home now!"

"C'mon," Sidney wheedled. "How 'bout if I let you spend the night with Sally."

A sudden burst of testosterone staggered Ryoga, and he clutched at the edge of the desk to keep from falling over.

Sidney smiled evilly. "And you can have this exotic creature for your own!" He pushed a button on his desk marked 'Really nifty button', and when nothing happened, slapped his forehead and pressed the one with the label 'Press me'.

A panel opened in the side wall of the office, revealing a seriously pissed-off Ukyo Kuonji.

"You overgrown bully!" she yelled. "How dare you kidnap me! And just when I was starting get to know Brad the cabana boy a lot better!" Her attention suddenly turned to the other life form in the room. "Ryoga!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???"

"I think I'll pass up your offer," Ryoga said weakly.

Sidney rubbed his chin. "Sure, she's a bit feisty, but that's what makes 'em exciting, eh?" He reached across the desk and nudged Ryoga, causing the lost boy to stumble a few steps forward.

Ukyo, meanwhile, continued to bitch.

"Look," Ryoga said rapidly, "I know this girl, and I do not want to get stuck with her. Okay? Bye now." He grabbed his stuff and rushed for the door, only to be stopped by Sally.

"C'mon now," she cooed, pushing Ryoga with her chest, "we'll make it a threesome! Won't that be fun?"

"Gah."

"Sally, you're a lifesaver. I'm increasing your salary."

"YOU OVERSEXED ALIEN TROLLOP! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE BEFORE I GIVE YOU A THIRD BOOB!"

Sidney laughed hysterically.

Ryoga stared openmouthed at Ukyo, who blushed.

Sally looked thoughtful. "A third boob? Wow, that'd be great. You can manage that?"

Ukyo turned redder. "Um...well...figuratively speaking, of course..."

Sally sighed regretfully.

Sidney fell off his chair laughing.

"Ukyo," Ryoga said in a wondering voice, "what happened? I've never heard you talk like that before."

Ukyo's face scrunched up, and she burst into tears. Ryoga looked stricken. What should he do?

Sally nudged him forward with her you-know-what and advised, "Take her in your arms and comfort her." She grinned wickedly. "Then take off her clothes, discreetly mind you, and..."

Ryoga blushed and moved forward slowly. The chains that held Ukyo up vanished, and she collapsed in a sobbing heap in his arms.

"There, there," he said awkwardly. "It can't be that bad." He cleared his throat. "Um, sorry about what I said. I really don't mind having you here."

Ukyo sniffled and looked up at him through her lashes. "Really?"

"Yeah," he said, and patted her back a couple of times. She burst into tears again.

"Oh, Ryoga," she wailed, "it was terrible! I was minding my own business, chatting with Brad, when suddenly I'm hanging on the wall with that...that tramp, looking at me, and she...and she did things to me...I can't even...I...I..."

Ryoga turned to Sally and asked, "What's she talking about? What'd you do to her?"

Sally shrugged. "Oh, this and that."

"She used me...and...and..." Ukyo hiccuped.

Sidney finally stopped laughing and lumbered over to Sally. "You must understand," he said, "that Sally's people have no...shall we say, inhibitions. They are quite free with matters concerning...you know."

Ryoga nodded dumbly, pulling Ukyo tighter. So Sally was a bisexual...

"She used me to open a bag of space chips!" Ukyo howled. "The horror! Easy open package my ass! It hurt!" The she went back to sobbing.

Ryoga's eyes widened. "You didn't," he breathed.

"And then," Ukyo continued, wiping her nose, "she made me w-w-watch La Blue Girl!" She buried her face in Ryoga's chest.

"Wow. Can I watch that?" Sidney asked Sally.

"La Blue Girl?" Ryoga asked. "Never heard of it."

"She made me watch it...the cut version of it! Oh, the humanity!" Ukyo sobbed. "I didn't even know there were cut versions of La Blue Girl!"

Sally walked over and stroked Ukyo's hair. "Now, now, pet, if you behave, I'll let you watch the uncut version."

"I don't believe you," Ukyo mumbled to Ryoga's chest.

"I'm telling the truth," Sally promised.

Ukyo sniffled some more, for effect.

Sally sat patiently and idly *CENSORED*CENSORED*CENSORED*.

Ryoga fainted.

"Okay," Ukyo said finally. "What do I have to do?"

"We'll have a threesome," Sally purred.

Ukyo's face turned an unbecoming shade of purple. "Are you suggesting...that I'm that kind of girl?" she yelled, standing up in outrage.

Sally stood as well and dragged Ryoga up by his arms. "Well, yes," she said mildly.

Ryoga stirred and opened one eye.

"AAAAAARGH!!!" Ukyo screamed, and grabbed the nearest available object, which was a potted plant that suspiciously resembled a sex toy starting with the letter 'd'. She threw it at Sally, who ducked.

Sidney started collecting all blunt objects in the room.

Ukyo searched about for another projectile.

Sally laughed lightly and called out to her bustling boss, "Better take away the papers, too. She might inflict paper cuts."

Ryoga had had enough. "Laaaaaaarry!" he yelled. "Moe! Curly! Get me outta here!"

Time stopped.

Then it cleared its throat.

"Oh, dear," it said. "I don't think I should have done that."

Time started moving again.

One moment, Ryoga and Ukyo were in an alien office, and all of a sudden, they were...elsewhere.

The explanation for this is that when Time stops, nothing happens. But when Time clears its throat, unspeakably weird things happen.

Which is why Ryoga found himself floating and staring at an indescribably vast, I mean, infinitely, incredibly, hugely, majorly vast darkness. It was even bigger than Rand al'Thor's ego, which said a lot.

"Hello," the darkness said to Ryoga. "How kind of you to visit me."

"Uh?" Ryoga responded. "Who're you?"

"What?" it asked.

"Who're you?" Ryoga repeated.

"What?"

Ryoga sighed. "Do you have a name, I mean." he explained.

"Er, no," the darkness replied.

"How 'bout I call you Bob?" came Ukyo's voice. She appeared a fair distance from Ryoga.

"Bob?" the lost boy asked.

"That sounds wonderful," the darkness (Bob) said, its voice sounding happy. "Now I must ask who you are, correct?"

"I'm Ukyo," Ukyo said, floating over and nudging Ryoga. "This is Ryoga."

"Hello, hello!" Bob cried jubilantly. "And why have you come to visit me?"

Sailor Pluto appeared amidst a truly spectacular puff of red smoke.

"Sailor Pluto!" Ukyo cried.

"Sailor Pluto?" Ryoga asked.

"Suzy?" Bob asked.

"Suzy?" the two teenagers asked.

Sailor Pluto twitched. "My name is Setsuna, not Suzy, not Susan, not Sharon, or any other stupid name the North Americans came up with!" she yelled.

Everyone else looked down, except for Bob, who didn't have a head.

"Sorry," Bob apologized. "Why are you here?"

Sailor Pluto assumed a dignified pose. "I have come to return these children to their proper places."

"Great," Ryoga said, relieved. "Finally."

"So soon?" Bob asked, sounding distressed. "But we haven't even had a conversation yet."

Ukyo shrugged. "Some other time, Bob," she said, zooming over to Sailor Pluto. "Can I touch your Garnet Rod?" she pleaded in a little girl voice, then reached out and grabbed it.

While the Guardian of Time was busily wresting her weapon from an insanely laughing okonomiyaki chef, Ryoga asked Bob, "So what do you do, really?"

Bob took awhile to reply. "I exist," it replied simply. "Once I was all, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end. There was no place my darkness could not touch, until He came with His Light, His Light that banished me here, and He made His creations which feared me and made more lights."

"Wow," Ryoga said.

"Yeah," Bob said happily. "Wow, huh?"

"We're leaving, Ryoga," Ukyo yelled to him. She and Sailor Pluto were standing in front of what appeared to be a huge gate with double doors.

"Right," Ryoga said. "So, Bob," he said hesitantly, "I'll see you around, huh?"

"I'll be waiting under your bed," Bob promised.

Then Ryoga went over to the two women, and they entered the Gates of Time.

They traveled for a while in a bleak, featureless landscape, before Ukyo asked, "What was that, exactly?"

Sailor Pluto's voice was cool. "It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. It lies behind stars and under hills, and empty holes it fills. It comes first and follows after, ends life, kills laughter," she answered.

"Wow," Ryoga said again.

Ukyo looked skeptical. "You mean it's just darkness?" At Sailor Pluto's look of chagrin, she added, "I read The Hobbit, too, you know."

"Look," Pluto said grimly, "you're making me look unmysterious, kid, so please don't open your trap until I get you home. Or," she gave them a red-eyed glare, "I'll drop you off somewhere really unpleasant."

"Have some eyedrops," Ukyo offered, waggling the small bottle. Pluto took a deep breath and started counting to ten.

Finally, they stopped, and the Gates reappeared. "Everyone off," Pluto said. "And thank you for flying Pluto Airlines. Pluto Airlines. When you have to be there yesterday."

Ryoga and Ukyo clapped their hands politely before stepping through.

They ended up in front of Ukyo's restaurant, where one Ranma Saotome was tapping his foot impatiently. When he saw them, his face darkened. "Ryoga!" he said, his eyes narrowing. "What are you doing with Ucchan?"

Ukyo stepped forward and patted her best friend's shoulder. "Relax, Ranchan, he just...escorted me home. Didn't you, Ryoga?" she winked at him over her shoulder.

"Uh, yeah," Ryoga said. Then he scowled. "Why are you acting so suspicious, anyway? It's not like I maul innocent young women, like you, Ranma."

Ranma sneered. "I don't maul them, Ryoga, can I help it if I'm so irresist-ooof!" he gasped as Ukyo's elbow and Ryoga's fist smashed into him. He doubled over.

"Well, Ryoga," Ukyo said, "this wasn't exactly how I expected my summer vacation to be, but it was okay, I guess. See you around?"

Ryoga nodded, not understanding that she wanted to be alone with Ranma. "I guess I will." He stood there until she booted him into the air in the general direction of the Tendo Dojo.

Ranma finally recovered. "So, Ucchan," he said casually, "what've you been up to?"

Ukyo smiled at him. "Oh, this and that."

Ranma's look turned serious, and he took Ukyo's hands in both of his. "Ukyo," he said solemnly, "I've been talking to a guy named Zen, and...and..."

Ukyo's eyes sparkled. "Yes, Ranma?" she asked.

Ranma hesitated, then, in a dramatic break with tradition, did not say something that would produce sweatdrops. Instead he said, "He convinced me that you're the best girl for me. I...want to find out if it's true."

"Oh, Ranma," Ukyo cried passionately. "You'll see! I am the best girl for you(now if only Zen Would finish The Long and Winding Road)!"

And they kissed under the summer sun.

No, really, they did.

Oh, all right, they just gazed into one another's eyes until Akane came in a jealous rage and attempted to break them up. But that's another story entirely.

Ryoga, meanwhile, discovered that Ukyo's aiming left much to be desired, though her strength was pretty impressive. As he flew above the unexplored ruins of an Inca temple, he folded his arms and contemplated the unfairness of life.

"Why can't life be unfair in my favor?" he yelled to the world.

"And why does my summer have to be this waaaaaaaaaaaay???" he screamed as he fell into the waiting arms of the ocean.

He was saved from turning into P-chan by the appearance of a sperm whale. It looked peeved.

"You the chump Sidney sent?" Lyle asked, dangling Ryoga over the ocean with his fins. "You can send him this message for me!" And he swatted Ryoga, sending him for parts unknown.

A few weeks later, as Ryoga was working for the Bulalakaw Wine Company inside the Bermuda Triangle, he wondered exactly what message Lyle had wanted him to send.

"Doesn't matter," he decided. "It's not like I'm going to see Sidney again. Though I wouldn't mind seeing Sally..."

Drooling, he went back to stomping grapes.

*******************************

In the quiet town of Sweet Valley, California, two impossibly gorgeous girls led impossibly exciting lives.

In an alternate-reality Japan, blue seeds fell all over the nation as a young woman with the power of the Kushinada sacrificed her life for her beloved people.

In Alpha Centauri, three bright flashes of light did a fantastic tap-dance routine as their great-granny watched and cheered along with the crowd.

On planet Gigaloo, the owner of Sperm Company expanded and its owner laughed in delight while being massaged by the sexiest secretary alive.

And the darkness that had existed since before Time began hummed happily, immensely entertained by its recent guests.

And in a room somewhere on Earth, an author pushed up her glasses and sighed in relief.

END.