Author's Notes:
Okay, I admit, I felt guilty for the lack of Mamoru appearances in
the first Planet Bound book, so I had this incredible urge to create
this fic, which is actually the second one that I had managed to
finish. Something must have possessed me since I don't normally
write this way . . . but the results are nice, I guess, so please,
enjoy it, for it may be the last. (I hope not!)
You may need to read both Confused Heart and Planet Bound: Venus to
understand what's happening here in this fic. After all, it *is* an
"interlude" before the next Planet Bound book, so it has to be
connected to the first two fanfics in some way.
Thanks again to Kismet-chan for editing my work! I'm eternally in
her debt. Imouto, what would I do without you?
Japanese Cultural Notes:
A lot of notes on this one, huh? Anyway, note that when babies are
born in Japan, they don't name them right away. They are given names
three days later, in a small ceremony, surrounded by family and
friends. I'm just not so sure if it is conducted by a priest, but I
made it that way. About a month later, the child is brought to a
Shinto shrine, where the priest records the baby's name and birthday
and formally making him/her a member of the Japanese community. I
didn't use this one, but I placed it anyway - think of it as an added
knowledge for you. This information came from Compton's Interactive
Encyclopedia.
Other Notes:
arigato - thank you
konnichiwa - hello / good afternoon
matte - wait
onegai - please
otou-san - father
sayonara - good-bye
Please e-mail your comments and constructive criticisms at
. Thanks!
Disclaimers: The characters of Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon were created
by Naoko Takeuchi-san, its copyright owned by Toei Animation, Kodansha,
Nakayoshi, Sterling Animation Inc., and many other companies scattered
throughout the world. Meaning, I cannot claim the characters as my
own, and am mearly borrowing them. So please don't sue, as I don't
earn anything from this other than the satisfaction of making a story.
Her Pain, My Pain
by Marj
I didn't know why the morning was so beautiful. It was supposed to be
gloomy and despairing, to fit the mood of so many people gathered
around a freshly carved tomb on one side of the graveyard.
She stood there, alongside all of the other people who had also cared
about her friend. Her face was sad, her eyes as red as roses with
tears streaming from them like the rivers before falling down in huge
waterfalls. All around us, the leaves of the maple trees fell like
rain. Very gentle rain. The orange-brown leaves descending on her
face made her even more enchanting. My heart stopped for a moment as I
stared at my love. My love. My Usako.
When the priest concluded the ceremonial rites, she sobbed. They all
wept, the sound of their cries ringing in my ears, in my soul, to be
embedded there forever. Her body racked with so much grief, I had to
reach out and hold her in my arms. She buried her beautiful face in my
chest and filled my shirt with her warm tears. Her heart was hollow,
so empty from the loss of her friend. And I felt it. I felt her pain,
and I wanted so desperately to keep her safe in my arms, to give her
all my love, to let her know that I would always be there for her.
Always.
But she broke away. I looked at her worriedly. "I'm okay now . . ."
she said, then she went to the company of her friends. I do not blame
them. They all needed support from each other, and I did not want to
deprive her of that.
It was not long before she came back to me. She held my hand and
whispered in a worn voice that she wanted to go home.
I took my love to my car and led her to the front seat. Then I ran to
the other side and started to drive her home. I occasionally looked at
her, to see if she was all right or to start even just a short
conversation. But I would always witness her staring out of the
window, completely immobile, for not even a blink did her eyebrows
move. It was just so unlike her to be so silent that I was becoming
very worried of her unusual behavior.
When we reached her family's residence, I walked her to the gate.
"Arigato, Mamo-chan," she said tiredly.
I saw the weariness in her beautiful blue eyes, and I knew that she was
still in pain. The anguish I felt that was inside her was so intense,
I had to set her free. "Usako . . ." I started, but she placed her
finger on my lips and shook her head.
"Onegai . . ." she pleaded softly.
I nodded and gently kissed her on her forehead. "If you need me,
Usako, I'm - "
"I know. I know." She turned away from me, opened the door, went
through, and closed it, sealing an almost impenetrable wall between my
thoughts and hers. "Sayonara," I heard her say faintly behind the
locked door.
"Sayonara," I said softly.
I walked to my car in frustration, upset that she wasn't able to open
up with me. I didn't start the motor - I sat, my arms folded and lying
on the steering wheel, my chin resting on top of them. Weren't our
thousands of years old love enough? I felt her pain, and I wanted to
take her away from it. Why didn't she want me to help her?
I realized that I was loosing my bond with her. For so long now, we
had always shared a special link, a bond that enabled us to feel what
the other was feeling, with no words needed. A bond that enabled us to
know if the other one was in distress. But the wall she had put up was
separating me from her.
It made me so insecure. I knew that we were meant to be - the future
was bright for the two of us. But the future is what we make of it.
We can never know if the future we have seen once upon a time will
still be the same after the years pass by. Just as the death of a dear
person in my Usako's life, who was supposed to be there, was a certain
guarantee that the road ahead of us was different than what we had been
led to believe.
One afternoon three weeks later, she came knocking on my door. I
answered and then saw that her face was as cheery as ever. I looked at
her, confused. The emptiness inside her was still the same, similar to
what I had sensed from the small number of times that we met these past
few days, but how was she able to project this radiant smile today?
The smile that had always been so dear to the hearts of so many people
and so contagious. The corners of my own mouth went up, and I greeted
her with a happy "Konnichiwa."
"Mamo-chan, everybody has gone to visit little Mina. Do you want to
come?" she asked.
My body stiffened. Perhaps it was not appropriate for her to visit the
newly born baby sister of her departed friend. But how could I stop
her? She had always been the most determined person I had ever met.
All I could do was to leave with her to make sure that the tower of
suffering inside her would not collapse.
"Everybody says she looks exactly like Minako-chan," she said as she
got into my car. Seeing that she was strapped securely to her seat, I
ran the engine and drove towards the Aino residence. "Mako-chan said
that Mina is so cute! So does Rei and Ami!"
"Have they seen her already?"
"They went there yesterday. And Rei was the one who conducted her
naming rites."
I nodded, glad that she was back to the Usagi that I had always known.
But the heavy feeling remained. "What did Artemis say?" I asked as I
stopped in front of a red traffic light.
My Usako clapped her hands joyfully. "Luna said that he has never been
so happy before."
"I'm glad he's feeling all right now."
She agreed. "He had been a wreck since Minako's dea -"
She stopped. And I knew the thoughts had registered themselves in her
mind once more. Minako's death. I could practically hear her mind
screaming, repeating those words over and over again. It deafened her.
It deafened me.
Once more, she grew silent. And I cursed silently as her grief
enveloped her heart and mind again. The concrete wall that had been
placed between us the day of the funeral was set in place a second
time. Desperately, I tried to find a crack on the barrier that could
widen enough to let me reach her, but I failed. If only she would tell
me all that had been bothering her! Then the sharp thorns of anguish
that were pricking her soul would ease their pain - the pain she had
that was also mine.
I gently stepped on the brakes as we approached the brick wall that
surrounded the garden on the Aino's property. The car stopped in front
of the metal gates, but we did not move from our places. Perhaps it
was because I was waiting for her to move. But she did not. She was
like a statue, unmoving, staring forever into oblivion.
I tried once more. I reached out for her hand, the hand that had
extended and touched mine with all her love before our first death.
But she squirmed and pulled away. "We're here already? Let's go!" she
said, opening the car door and leaving me in my misery. It hurt.
She didn't even turn around to see if I was following her.
I entered the gate, and saw the Ainos, my love, her friends and the two
cats sitting on the wicker chairs in the middle of the garden. In my
love's arms was a small, days-old baby. She held the baby gingerly, as
if it was fragile and would break at the slightest wrong move. Her
eyes, warm and moist, stared at the child with all her love.
"Hi, Mamoru-san!" Hino Rei said, waving at me. I smiled at her and
greeted her in turn.
Usako dragged her eyes away from the baby and looked up at me. "Look,
Mamo-chan. Look how adorable she is!"
I leaned over to see the baby in her arms. "She looks a lot like
Minako, don't you think?" Mrs. Aino asked gently.
I nodded and touched the child's hand. It was so small, so soft and
delicate. My love smiled at me. "Do you think our Chibi-Usa will be
like this, Mamo-chan?" she asked softly.
"Perhaps, Usako," I answered. But one question lingered in my mind.
Would our child even be born? With this unseen distance between my
future wife and myself - who did not even seem to notice - I could not
tell.
We spent the entire day in the Aino's residence, taking turns at
holding the baby and sharing past experiences. When we finally called
it a day, it was already dusk. It surprised us. We simply hadn't
noticed that the time had flown by so fast.
I dropped off all the girls at their respective homes, Usako and Luna
being the last. She didn't say a word when I kissed her goodbye. She
just left, carrying Luna on her shoulder.
I didn't leave. I stood in front of the Tsukino's front gate, leaning
on my car. I waited until the lights of her room opened, until I saw
her shadow moving about. She opened her window, and when she saw that
I was still standing there, she waved her hand. I waved back. She
gave me a gentle smile, then moved from the windowsill, away from my
sight. I sighed, started the engine, and went home.
After that, I rarely saw her anymore. She was always going to the
Ainos just to see the baby. As time passed, an urge in me grew more
and more. Just taking care of the baby could not solve her misery. I
had to do something before something inside her snapped. But every
time I tried to talk to her about the subject of her friend's death,
she would push me away. And I was beyond worry.
One stormy morning, as I was typing a report in front of my computer,
my body shivered. It was not from the cold, but from an intense sorrow
coming from my heart. I was suddenly filled with dread. These feelings
were not mine - I had grieved for our departed friend, but not to the
extent that made my heart ache so much. These feelings were of my
love.
I rose from my chair, for I felt that I could not get any work done at
the rate my anxiety was overcoming me. I was staring at the pouring
rain that battered my windowpane when the phone rang. In three strides
I was there, hoping that the caller was her so that my fear would
subside from its great height.
But it was not her. "Mamoru-san, is Usagi there?" Mizuno Ami asked me
worriedly.
"No. Why?"
"She's been missing since early this morning. The Tsukinos thought she
went to the Ainos, but she wasn't there either, so they started calling
us. We were hoping you knew where she had gone."
The feeling of dread inside me grew higher and higher, higher than the
highest mountain on Earth. I was so caught up in it, I did not notice
that I was just staring in space with the receiver on my ear, unable to
answer Ami quickly. "Mamoru-san! Mamoru-san!" Ami was saying, trying
to get my attention.
I snapped out of my reverie. "Ami, I'm going to go look for her, okay?
Good-bye!"
"Matte -" ~click~
I rushed like the wind around my quarters, accidentally grabbing my
thick winter jacket instead of my raincoat, and ran madly outside,
locking the door by slamming it shut. I was already halfway down the
hall when I realized that I had forgotten my car keys. As I walked
back, I patted my pockets. Only then did I realize - I had also
forgotten my wallet and my apartment keys!
But I didn't have the time to worry about that matter. My love was out
there somewhere, in deep grief and sorrow. I had to get to her, no
matter what.
Japan doesn't usually have storms during the fall season. We expect
more snow than rain, but that morning had been an exception. Nature
couldn't stop me as I ran blindly into the storm, using my jacket for
cover. The water quickly seeped into the fibers of my thick coat,
making it almost entirely useless for such cold weather. I had no idea
where I was headed - all I saw was a lonely heart yearning to be
touched and released from the anguish it had been trying to nurture on
its own. The heart that I had tried so hard to reach but had been
resented for so many times.
Although it was morning, it was very dark because of the raging storm.
I stopped, my eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness as I leaned on a
wall, trying to catch my breath. It was then that I noticed that I was
in front of the district's cemetery.
I pushed further on inside the gates, ignoring the stories of spirits
and ghosts on dark days that began to seep into my mind. A few minutes
later, as I was reaching my destination, the thunder clapped and
lightning struck, filling the skies with the sound of thousands of
drums and flashes of light, illuminating her bent-over form in front of
a few weeks-old grave.
My eyes locked on her and my heart whimpered from the pain that she was
giving out. I staggered a bit as I walked slowly towards her. The
rain poured over my already wet shirt as I took my coat off. Maybe it
would not do much good, for the coat was soaking wet, but I placed it
gently over her shoulders anyway.
She turned away from the tombstone and focused her lovely, sad eyes on
me. The rain pelted down on our cold bodies as we stared into each
other's eyes so that I couldn't tell if the rivers running down her
cheeks were tears or rain.
"Mamo-chan . . ." she said in a voice that could have broken any heart
of stone.
"Usako," I said gently as I enveloped her in my arms. This time, she
accepted the love that I was offering her. She wept like the storm,
and I held her tight, so afraid to let her go. "Let me help you,
Usako. Please."
The dam broke, and out poured all the hurt that had been kept in for so
long. She told me everything that she had felt, since the day she
learned that her friend, Aino Minako, was sick and dying. How she felt
that she was the one who was responsible for making her friend ill with
the disease that had taken her life. Although she had cried so much,
it wasn't enough. She was too much in shock. She still needed someone
to talk to.
And I was only too happy to be the one she had finally confided her
feelings to.
After all, her pain was my pain.
After a long time, she had let everything out and was catching her
breath. She then started to realize just how cold it was and that she
was being subjected to the freezing weather, because she snuggled
inside my miserably soaked coat, seeking to find the comfort it could
give.
She looked up at me, her blue eyes shining with love and tears.
"Arigato, Mamo-chan. For everything."
I smiled and led her to a small shed near the grave. "Are you all
right now?" I asked.
She nodded. I hugged her closer. Just feeling her body next to mine
sent enough heat to warm me throughout that storm. She rested her worn
head on my shoulder, and we remained in that position until the rain
subsided a bit. Enough to let the sun peek its golden rays out on the
black morning skies.
"Do you notice? In almost every story, the sun always appears after
one's dark, sad feelings have been removed," I said.
"Hmm." She snuggled closer to me. "The coming of the light has always
been so refreshing."
As we waited for the light drizzle to stop, I felt her head sag. I
looked at her, and saw that she was happily sleeping on my shoulder. I
lifted her in my arms, not wanting to disturb her, and carried her all
the way to my apartment, amidst the looks the people around gave us.
Remembering that I had given her an extra key to my door, I gently
nudged her awake, softly asking for the key. Half-asleep, she reached
inside her pocket and dropped it into my hand before closing her eyes
again. Once we were inside my room, I laid her on my bed and called
her mother to inform her that her daughter was all right.
I sat beside my love as I placed a blanket on top of her. I noted the
slight smile on her face. I smiled, too. The heavy feeling in her
heart was gone, all hurt and misery replaced by contentment and
happiness. The wall between us had been demolished, and somewhere,
deep in her now open heart, the sun she had said was so rejuvenating to
her was rising again in all its glory.
And I knew that the sun was ascending in me as well.
Wasn't the morning beautiful today? (
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