People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
People with nothing in their hands look like
they're heading for the cafeteria.
People with the newspaper in their hands look like
they're heading for the bathroom.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night,
thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer.
You can send and receive personal email,
download pornography from the Internet,
calculate your finances and generally have a blast without
doing anything remotely related to work.
These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from
the computer revolution but they're not bad either.
When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught -
your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use
the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter.
Offer to show your boss what you learned.
That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk.
For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough.
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work
it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document
you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it
when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.
People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing
- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM.
That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail.
If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like
impending work, respond during lunch hour when you're hardworking
and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then
returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds
that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is
"Ignore my last messsage. I took care of it".
If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold,
make sure you reach that limit frequently.
One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages.
If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says,
"Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking
employee in high demand.
5. One more addition, according to George Costanza of 'Seinfeld'
one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed
to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
Additional tips:
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around.
You could read magazines and storybooks that u always wanted to read
but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss
room on your way out.
Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 pm, 7:05 am etc...)
and during public holidays.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression
that you are very hard pressed.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.
Put lots of books on the floor etc...
Can always borrow from library. Thick computer menus are the best.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out
all the jargon and new products.
Use it freely when in conversation with bosses.
Remember: They don't have to understand what you say,
but you sure sound impressive ...