Amazing

August 1998

It was dark and cold and damp. After a minute of letting his eyes adjust to the lack of light, the boy realized that he was in an ally. A dark, cold ally. What was he doing here?

" Hello there," spoke a voice through the dark.

" Who's there?" asked the frightened boy as he leapt to his feet ready to defend himself.

" You're out here all alone. Let me help you. I'll take care of you. Let me give your life direction and meaning," said the voice as it walked closer to the boy.

" What? How can you help me? Who are you?"

The man laughed as he stepped close enough for the boy to see him. The boys eyes widen at the half mechanical man.

" I am Dr. J, and I will help you by letting you help me. I'm building a machine, I want you to learn to operate it."

" Very well," the boy agreed and walked away with the man.

" Oi! Heero! Wake up!" Duo shook the boy in bed with him violently, trying to rouse him from his slumber.

" Stay away!" Heero cried as he sat bolt up right in bed.

" Heero, it's okay. It was just a bad dream," Duo cooed as he rubbed comforting circles on Heero's back.

" Heero, wanna talk about it?"

" No."

" Heero, please, let me help you."

The boy ignored the plea, but didn't move away from the others comforting hands.

I kept the right ones out

And the wrong ones in

Heero's mind went blank as Duo's plea to talk to him forced him back into his memories.

" You can't have feelings anymore boy! You must prepare for war! You never know what an enemy might pull, and you might have to kill someone you care about or yourself, so it's easier if you just care for no one!"

" But I'm not like that! I can't just kill someone for no reason! I can't kill someone I'm comrades with just because they get captured!"

" But you must. And you must be ready to be tortured. The enemy is fierce," said doctor as he approached the boy.

" What are you doing?" the boy asked as one of the doctors hands pulled at his shirt until it ripped off.

" You need to be taught about torture," the doctor replied as he forced the boy to the ground with a quick hit to the side of the boy's head.

" No…"

The boy cried tears of pain and sadness as the doctor stripped him of all his clothes and raped and beat him, then raped him again.

" Help me…" the boy's mind cried out as the blackness of unconsciousness consumed him.

" Heero, it's okay if you won't talk to me now, but know that I'll be here to listen," Duo said in hushed tones when he saw a tear make its way down Heero's cheek.

Duo knew that Heero was hurting inside from memories of his training. That much he'd pieced together from Heero crying out at night. It had been a year since the war had ended, and even though Heero refused to admit he had any feelings for the braided pilot, he had stayed with him. Duo knew that Heero needed a friend and support, even though he refused to ask for it, and he was determined to meet Heero's every need without the other pilot even knowing it.

Had an angel of mercy see me through all my sins

Duo knew how it felt to loose control of your life. He remembered the pain he felt at the lose of the people of Maxwell Church. He remembered the feeling of hopelessness and heart ache when he thought Heero had died, so he had a good idea of what was bothering Heero and how to help him. Heero needed to talk and be reassured that nothing that he had done was his fault. It was war. And Duo knew that he was close to making Heero talk. Until then, he just soothed him in anyway he could. Duo wrapped his arms around the other pilot as more tears fell from his eyes.

" Heero, you must get rid of all your emotions. Why can't you do this?! You've got to be the perfect soldier. You must be."

" I don't want to be!"

The doctor smacked Heero unconscious and dragged him to a small room. When Heero came to, he saw that he was locked in a small concrete room with nothing in it. It was dark, only a dim light shinning through a crack under the door metal door. Heero shivered as the coldness seeped into his bones. He stayed locked in that room by himself for three days without food or water, sleeping in his own feces and urine. He cried himself to sleep the first night and cried most of the second day. When the second night came, he had built a wall of steel around his feeling and locked them away. He sat, not sleeping yet not awake, in the corner until the doctor let him out on the third night.

There were times in my life

When I was going insane

Trying to walk through

The pain

He had followed through on his training and had rid himself of all emotion. He pressed the button on the detonator and destroyed the OZ base without flinching, until the mobile suit crashed into the apartment complex where the little girl lived. Until the homes exploded in fire, killing anyone inside. He killed an innocent. He killed someone who had no place dying… The next day he buried the little girl's puppy. He lay in the grass near the grave of the snow colored dog crying and murmuring nonsense when the doctor found him. The doctor punished him in the cell again for his lack of discipline and show of emotion. He spent a week in the cell, yet it barely phased him. He tried to walk away from the training. He tried to escape, but found he had nowhere else to go. He didn't know any other way of life.

When I lost my grip

And I hit the floor

Yeah, I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door

" We surrender, but you can never have the Gundams!" Dr. J proclaimed to Lady Une and the rest of OZ.

That was his opening. He had been looking for a way out of this miserable life, without going back on his agreement to Dr. J, and here he was given the perfect opening. The doctor was telling him to self-destruct Wing. He was sick of living this lie. Sick of pretending to be the perfect soldier with no emotions. He was sick of hurting people. He smiled slightly as he pressed the self-destruct button. And now it would all end. All the pain would be gone.

I was so sick and tired

Of living a lie

I was wishing that I

Would die

He woke to find himself still alive. Trowa had saved him. He would never be able to escape his pain. He would always be forced to live the lie. And he continued to live and fight until the war ended, and once again he was lost. What would he do now? He took the advice he had given Trowa, and when Duo asked him to stay with him, Heero accepted. Maybe the other pilot could help him find his direction in life. Maybe the smiling happy boy could help remove the pain and bring back the caring boy he had vague memories of.

And it's amazing

With the blink of an eye you finally see the light

" You'll always be here for me?" Heero whispered.

" Heero? Of course I'll always be here for you!" Duo was surprised at the sudden speech from Heero.

" And you'll always be here? You promise?" Heero was staring into Duo's eyes. His blue orbs revealing his worry and fear and… maybe love?

Duo gathered Heero into his arms and stroked his hair.

" I'll always be here, I promise."

Heero smiled, " Yokata"

It's amazing

When the moment arrives

You know you'll be alright

" Duo, I…" Heero began to cry as he related his story. His dreams and hopes and fears. Duo held him through it all, stroking his hair and back lovingly.

" Heero, you'll never be hurt or alone again. I promise that I'll always be here for you…"

" Thank you…" Heero whispered as he drifted to sleep in Duo's arms.

Duo smiled gently and prayed.

Yeah, it's amazing

And I'm saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight…