Ghost

by: Lauren

June 1998

Ghost

" I'm sorry. I think it's best this way. Maybe we'll meet again in the future, but for now this is the best thing. Thank you for everything.

Duo Maxwell"

Yeah, best thing for you. This is how you tell me you're leaving. You leave a note on the bed. A note to tell me that I might never see you again. Duo… how could you do this to me?

There's a letter on the desk top

That I dug out of a drawer

Last truce we ever came to in our adolescent war

Duo… it's been what, five years since I last saw you? Five years that you've been haunting my dreams. What have you been doing all this time? Are you happy with her, with Hirde?

And I start to feel a fever

From the warm air through the screen

You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams

I loved you for so long… Since the first day I met you and you wouldn't shut up. You've always been their laughing, and I guess I took for granted that you would still be there when the war was over. How was I to know that you leave me? How was I to know that you need me to show you affection?

Well the Mississippi's mighty

But it starts in Minnesota

At a place where you could walk across with five steps down

And I guess that's how you started

Like a pinprick to my heart

But at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown

Quatre invited us all to a party tonight. I was so nervous about seeing you again. What if you didn't even want to speak to me? My breath caught in my throat when I saw you walk in. You hadn't changed much. A little taller, more muscular. You're hair was still to your waist in that braid. Your eyes still shined with light and amusement, and your still brought that nervous ache to my stomach. You looked at me with those shining eyes and I almost melted, then I saw her. Hirde. I felt my world and hopes collapse around me.

And there's not enough room in this world for my pain

Signals cross and love gets lost

And time passed makes it plain

Of all my demon spirits I need you the most

I'm in love with your ghost

You walk up to me and smile your carefree smile. How could you when my heart is breaking? I had prayed you two weren't together. That I could win your heart the right way this time, but I can't. You have her. As you chatter away about what you've been up to over the years my mind begins to daydream. I watch you lips move and imagine they are moving against mine. I imagine you are saying that you love me, that leaving like that five years ago was the biggest mistake of your life, that you wanted to be with me the rest of your life. As you realize that I'm not listening to your words you ask what's bothering me. You were always concerned about me. I blush slightly as I realize what I was dreaming of… again.

Dark and dangerous like a secret that is whispered in a hush

When I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush

When you kiss me like a lover, then you sting me like a viper

I go follow to the river

Play your memory like a Piper

I tell you I'm fine and ask about Hirde. You look surprised when I mention her name.

" Hirde? Why would I know how Hirde is?" you ask.

" You mean, you aren't married to her?"

" No! I hadn't seen her till tonight. We walked in together, but that's all I've seen of her. Heero, there hasn't been anybody…"

" Hasn't been anybody?"

" No…" You look at me longingly, or is that just my imagination.

And I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me

But I'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly

And dance the edge of sanity I've never been this close

In love with your ghost…

Oh, how is it that I still love you after all this time? Is it you I'm in love with, or the memory of you? I don't know how to deal with my feelings. When we were pilots, when we were friends, I'd ask your advice at a time like this. I'm not any good with emotions. How could a perfect solider fall in love? How was I supposed to know that the aching in my heart was a love for you so deep that it would never go away?

Unknowing captor never know how much you

Pierce my spirit but I can't touch you

Can you hear it, a cry to be free

Or forever under lock and key

As you pass through me…

You take my hand and lead me to a back room where we can "talk". I don't want to talk! I'm afraid! Duo, you already have my heart, if you won't give me yours, please let me suffer in peace!

" Heero, what's wrong? You've been looking at me funny all night?"

" Nothing…"

" Come on! You can tell me. Is it Relena? Are you two fighting?"

" Relena?! I haven't seen her in years."

" What? Weren't you two in love?"

" She was, but I wasn't, at least not with her."

" Heero… who…"

I know it's a mistake, but I lean forward and as I brush my lips across your ear I whisper, " You… It's always been you…"

You look at me in shock. I knew you would hate me for saying.

Now I see your face before me

I would launch a thousand ships

To bring your heart back to my island

As the sand beneath me slips

I turn to run from the room, but you're just behind me, calling my name. I've done enough to embarrass myself already. Why can't he leave me alone? But I could never resist him anything, so I stop and wait for the touch on my shoulder that I know will come.

And I burn up in your presence

And I know now how it feels

To be weakened like Achilles

With you always at my heals

You turn me to face you and lay you head on my shoulder.

" Heero, tell me you love me. Tell me you want me to stay with you, and I'll never leave your side again."

Tell him? Me? He wants me to confess my weakness? I can't! I… I'll bare this burden of love on my own, but I refuse to let him make a mockery of my feelings! He doesn't love me! I can swallow my anguish at the thought of loosing him to save my pride.

And my bitter pill to swallow is the silence that poisons me

I can't swim free the river is too deep

Though I'm baptized by your touch

I am no worse than most

Because of my refusal to say anything, he walks away from me. Maybe for another five years, maybe forever. I still have my pride and my love for you… my Duo…

In love with your ghost…