White Rabbit

Lauren

March 1999

*From Alice and Through the Looking Glass and lyrics from Jefferson Airplane

To the looking glass world it was Alice that said, " I've a scepter in hand and I've a crown on my head. Let the looking glass people whomever they be, come and dine with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and me."

Darkness. Drip. Drip. Drip. Water must be leaking and gathering in a corner. Is it night or day? There are no windows in this hole. How long has it been? Maybe the war has ended and they've forgotten about me.

A figure, a mere shadow of a person, crawled from its place on the floor to a pile of blankets that had been thrown into a corner. The figure burrowed into the little warmth they could provide, making a nest of comfort and safety.

If I'm hidden in here, he can't find me. If I stay under the covers, I'll be safe. No one can get me here. The door creaked on rusty hinges.

Images raced through the creature's mind. A large machine shaped like a human monster, gleaming metallic skin in the sunlight. A boy. A beautiful golden haired angel, smiling and laughing, and offering his hand.

The door opened; light flooding the room. A boy, not more than five feet tall, stood framed in the doorway. The light reflected off of his blond hair, creating a halo of sorts surrounding him. His sea green eyes shone as he stepped into the cell, and slowly pulled away the covers, revealing a trembling figure curled into a tight ball.

" Trowa," the blond beamed as he gently uncurled the others limbs. Trowa looked up at the blond, his green eyes wide with panic.

He's found me! No where is safe! Someone…please help me…

The blond pulled Trowa to his feet and helped guide him to the door.

" Come on now. We'll get you all washed up."

Trowa followed mindlessly, praying to any deity that would listen for salvation. How had he come to be here? How could something like this occur? His body was sore, and his spirit broken. The world is at war, but why? Why do I fight?

" He saw us kill him! We've got to kill him too."

" You can kill me if you want. I'm no one important."

" Who are you?"

" I think he's one of the mechanics."

" I've got no name, but I can take his if you'd like."

The two men nodded to each other.

" Trowa Barton. You think you can fly this thing?"

" Sure."

And so Trowa Barton was born.

That door is the looking glass, and inside it is Wonderland… A fake Alice… A fake Alice…

" What am I fighting for? What is my goal?"

" You fight because you must."

Trowa scratched his head. Fighting just because. Fighting for someone else's ideals that weren't his own. Why am I fighting again? Before it was to save my life…just to survive. All my life I've been following someone's orders. I'm not myself. Is anyone really themselves? Maybe this is our destiny.

Trowa forced his way through the doors of a broken down church. He was to steal all the candleholders. People need those, and they were valuable on the market. He had a few qualms about stealing from a house of God, but he was under orders. A girl, all in black stopped him.

" Ahhh… You don't look like you're here to pray. I wouldn't try to steal anything if I was you."

" Miss?"

The girl giggled, " I'm not a miss…and I don't fight like one. I'm not sure if I believe in God, but I do believe that you will not steal from the house of God."

" Why?"

" Huh? Well… just because!"

" Just because? I'm under orders."

" Yeah, yeah… just tell them that someone caught you and you're lucky to have gotten away. You look to be my age. I'll forgive you for now."

" You'll forgive me?"

" Yeah. I mean, life hasn't been too great with a war going on. War does things to people."

" You sound like an adult."

" Maybe I am."

" There really ought to be some men moving about somewhere, and so there are she answered in a tone of delight!"

The cold water shocked Trowa back to the present. Soft hands were moving over his skin, caressing the bruises. Gentle fingers cleaned his hair and massaged his scalp.

This is how it always starts… Soft and gentle. The more pleasant it is now, the worse it will be later. Who would have thought that someone so seemingly gentle could be so rough, so cruel. Maybe one day soon it would be too much. Maybe the God of that boy in the church would take mercy on him and let him die.

This is how the world ends

This is how the world ends

This is how the world ends

Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

" Trowa, be a good boy and everything will be fine," the blond whispered as he softly kissed Trowa's lips.

" Come now. Let's get you dried and into bed."

Dried and comfortable, Trowa couldn't help but think. My mind always wanders these days. It's always easier to separate one's self from a painful situation. He lies down next to me, kisses my face, caresses my body, then takes his pleasures of me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so rough. He's too big to just shove in with no preparation. Of course, rapists don't usually worry about their victims' comforts. Still, I suppose he is better than the others are…

" Trowa… take off your clothes."

" Doctor?"

" Do it!"

Trowa quickly undressed, wondering what the doctor could want. Did he need an evaluation before his first test pilot of the Gundam? The doctor grabbed his face, turning it up, eyes meticulously dissecting Trowa's face.

" Hmmm…"

He kissed him, not with the gentleness of a lover, but with the brute force of someone about to kill another. The doctor pulled roughly on his sex. It hurt… why was he doing this? Trowa was pushed over the side of a work barrel and forced to take the doctor. The trembling wreck of a boy lay where the doctor had just taken a stoic sad-faced one.

" This will be part of your training. Deal with it," and with that the doctor walked away.

Training… conditioning… rape… was it all the same? The training destroyed more than his body, it tainted his soul. He could never be worthy of love now… I'm an animal… a dog… and mindless trained animal. A piece of equipment.

" You see, it's a great big game of chess that's being played all over the world. This is the world… This is the world… This is world…"

He's playing with my hair. I can here him whispering my name, that he loves me. I'm sure he does, and I know I love him, but why does he hurt me so? Maybe pleasure and pain and love and understanding all go together.

" Trowa… You can't ever leave here. Here I can know that you're safe, that no one else is going to hurt you."

" Quatre?"

" Ne, Trowa, say it. I need to hear you say it."

" I love you, Quatre. I belong to you."

Quatre smiles and pulls Trowa closer.

" I know you love me, and I love you, and some day soon we'll be able to be together all day like this, just as soon as the war is over."

No… I don't want this to be forever… I don't want to be a captive forever! I do love him, but it hurts. It's my childhood all over again.

" Good night, Trowa," Quatre quickly kissed Trowa and gave him a sleeping pill.

" Just incase, but you'd never leave me, right?"

" I'll be here forever."

Quatre beamed, " Good boy."

One pill makes you larger

It was dark and damp. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times… it was the end of the world. It was everything evil and good rolled into one world, and this is the world that Trowa found himself trapped in while he slept.

" Not again…"

Out of the darkness came a figure, a dark and handsome young man with snow white wings.

" Welcome back," the boy's voice was a soft bell chime.

" What am I doing here?"

" You tell me, this is your dream."

Another figure appeared from the dark.

" Who are you?"

" I'm you."

" You're me? How can that be?"

" I am you," the other Trowa said as he approached himself.

Trowa gasped as he felt the other boy's tongue slide into him mouth. The other Trowa's hands slid down the sides of Trowa's body, caressing the skin beneath the fabric of his tight shirt.

" I am you, and I will posses you. Only one who knows them self can truly live a normal and happy life. I give you the gift of self-love…"

And one pill makes you small

Trowa flinched as his reflection removed both of their clothes. The white winged boy just watched.

And the ones that mother gives you

They don't do anything at all

Trowa's arms wrapped around the other boy's back as he accepted his fate to be possessed by the other. He felt his own passions rising to meet that of his other self. A type of giving and taking was established…a feeling of oneness, and as Trowa lay spent on the floor of the mysterious room, he felt complete.

Go ask Alice

When she's ten feet tall

The winged boy smiled.

" I take it you enjoyed that?"

" Yes… I… it was different, what is this place?"

" You have questions?"

" Yes!"

" You want answers…"

" Of course I want answers…"

The winged boy smiled and laughed, the noise sounding like wind chimes; He turned and started to walk away.

" Matte!"

The boy giggled and began to run off into the darkness, a little white flower path left behind him.

And if you go chasing rabbits…

And you know you're going to fall

Trowa ran, still tired from his early experience with his other self. The winged boy was just in front of him, close enough to see, but not to touch. He admired the winged boy's stamina and grace, the way each muscle in his tight rear moved with each stride. Chasing him was becoming uncomfortable.

Go ask Alice

When she is just small

He was just out of reach… almost there, but not quiet. Trowa jumped… just as hands firmed around the winged boy's ankles, everything went black…

When the men are on the chessboard

Trowa woke in soiled bed clothed. Quatre was nowhere to be seen.

I'm still in bed. He didn't put me back in my cell… why? What was that dream?

Quatre came in, interrupting his thoughts. He was carrying a tray laden with breakfast.

" Good morning sleepy head!" Quatre greeted as he set the tray on Trowa's lap. " Gee… we'll need to have these sheets changed soon… they're a mess!"

" Quatre?"

The blond smiled, " Yes love?"

Get up and tell you where to go

" I… what happened?"

" Huh, you don't remember?"

" Remember what?"

Trowa tried to remember whatever it was he had obviously forgotten, but all he could think of was the dream, and the beautiful winged boy. Where these the answers that the boy wouldn't supply? The answers to more than just his own self, but to the mystery of the golden haired boy he loved?

And you just had some kind of mushroom

And your mind is moving wrong

" Trowa… are you feeling alright? You were in a fit last night. You were calling out your own name and mumbling about a white angel."

" No, Quatre, I'm fine. This is quite nice… it's wonderful, not as wonderful as you… I'm not worthy of this kindness."

" Aa… but I love you, and you love me, so you will get this kindness…" Quatre smiled and took Trowa's hands in his. Trowa was acting strange again, but that was becoming more normal too.

Suddenly, it wasn't Quatre holding his hands and smiling at him, but the snow winged boy.

" You're here again?"

" Aa."

" Will you answer my questions now?"

" Some," the boy smiled.

" What is this place?"

" What isn't this place?"

" What kind of answer is that?"

" It is an answer."

" What's the use in asking questions if the answers make no sense!?"

" There's no problem with the answers, only with the questions."

Trowa frowned. What was that supposed to mean? How could he know what answers he should be asking?

Go Ask Alice

I think she'll know

" What is the square root of a negative number?" the winged boy asked Trowa.

" An imaginary number, I thought I was asking the questions."

" Aa… imaginary numbers… amazing things. You are asking the questions. I'm just giving answers."

" But you just asked me a question! I gave that answer!"

The winged boy looked around confused, " So you did."

Trowa pulled at his hair; " This is getting me nowhere!"

" A place can only be reached if you travel."

" Of course!"

" So maybe you should travel."

" Where's the logic in that? I've no place to go!"

" You can go to the answers."

" Answers aren't a place, they're ideas!" Trowa was becoming exasperated. What was wrong with this boy?

When logic and proportion

Have fallen slightly dead

" Everything is somewhere, you just need to know where to go to find it."

" That doesn't make sense."

" Yes it does.

The white winged boy walked away, paused, and then gestured for Trowa to follow. A trail of white flowers sprang up in his wake, and as Trowa passed over them, they withered and died.

" Why are we here?"

" We are here for you to look and learn."

" To learn what?"

" To learn what you can… to find your path."

" I have a path? But where does it lead?"

" Everyone has a path, and it has many forks, but you decided where it leads."

" I don't understand."

And the White Knight is talking backwards

And the Red Queen is on her head

In front of the two a mirror appeared. Trowa squinted his eyes and looked closely.

" Paths always take on a form the person taking them leaves behind."

" Like your flowers?"

The winged boy gestured to the mirror without answering. In the mirror were Trowa and Quatre. They sat holding hands. Quatre was feeding him… why wasn't he feeding himself? Where was this?

" Look behind you, see your path."

Trowa turned from the mirror and looked in the direction they had come from. A path of dead, bloodied flowers lay where he had tread.

Trowa gasped in horror; " Must it be that way?"

" No. You can change, you control your path." He nodded at the mirror, " That one will help you, if you let yourself be healed…"

" No! He's been… he hurts me…"

" Are you sure?"

" I… I'm not sure of anything."

" Then how can you know?"

" I don't know."

" Feed your head."

" What?"

" Just do it."

Trowa flinched as the winged boy raised his hand up as if to hit him.

" Trowa? Are you there?" Quatre's voice was laced with concern.

" I… Quatre?"

" It's alright now. I'm here. It'll all be okay. Here, eat more soup. It has your medicine in it."

Trowa swallowed the hot liquid, savoring the salty taste. Taste… he felt something…

" Quatre? Where are we?"

" Silly, you're in your room in my house."

" Where are the others? Where is Heavyarms?"

" Trowa, the war is over. The others have gone their own ways, we destroyed our Gundams."

Trowa looked around the room… over… it was over… then, what was his path? Where would he go? What had he been doing?

" Trowa, just relax. It'll all be okay," Quatre smiled.

Trowa gazed wandered around the room. His eyes stopped on a mirror. The reflection… it was the winged boy, smiling.

Remember what the Door Mouse said

Feed your head