Reflection

by: Lauren

March 1999

Heero looked into the mirror, his reflection staring blankly back at him. He raised his hand; so did the other Heero. He touched his hand to the reflections and felt the cool glass under his fingers. No, this other Heero wasn't him, but it's who he tried to be. If he were as cold as glass, he'd never be hurt. Heero finished his nightly ritual, kissing the glass's finely sculpted features.

Look at me,

You may think you see who I really am,

But you'll never know me.

" I've found you again, Heero," Relena said as she stared into his cool blue eyes.

"Hn," was all the reply Heero gave as he turned to walk away.

" Chotto Matte, Heero! Why do you keep leaving me alive? You're supposed to be the perfect soldier. Finish your mission!"

" Too many people here to see it."

" Heero, I'm the only one who'll ever understand and love you! Don't leave!"

Heero continued walking toward the gundam pilots current home where Duo was smiling at him from a window.

" No one will ever understand who I really am. No one really knows me," Heero thought. As he looked at Duo's smiling face, he felt a stab of jealousy. Why should his friend always be so happy, when he was so cold inside?

Everyday it's as if I play a part

Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world,

" Hey, Heero! What did Relena-san want?" asked Duo.

" Nothing."

Duo fumed inside. Heero was always brushing him off. Heero was always hiding his own feelings, pretending to be denser than wood. Duo knew better though. He'd seen Heero in the bathroom one night, playing with his reflection. He knew the boy was hurting inside, and he was going to kill him if he wouldn't let Duo help.

" Che. Heero, why can't you see that she's in love with you? Oh, I forgot, you're the perfect soldier. You don't have emotions, so how could you see them in others?" Duo teased. Heero quickly left the room to hide the tears that welled in his eyes from Duo.

" You think I feel nothing, but the truth is I feel too much, for you…" Heero thought.

He sat on the bed he was sharing with Duo and buried his face in his hands and cried.

But I can not fool my heart…

I can't believe how I'm acting. Why do I feel so much? Why am I forced to pretend that I have no feelings? When can I be myself? Heero walked over to the mirror and looked at himself, trying to see what everyone else did. Duo came up behind him and placed an arm around his shoulders. Heero tensed, but didn't push the arm away.

" I'm sorry I was so mean. I just, I don't like seeing you hurt and pretend that you don't."

" I don't hurt."

" Don't! Not with me. I'm not stupid, and I refuse to let you do this to yourself… and to me."

Heero stared at their reflection. Duo was the same as always, but who was the other boy? The reflection looked good, and neither of them seemed as cold as the image Heero had been making love to for so long.

Who is that boy I see?

Staring strait back at me?

Heero touched his hand to their reflections as a tear fell loose from his eye. Who was he really? When he was with Duo, he felt whole. He felt warm and safe and loved. When he was alone, he was full of doubt and a cold touch leached the warmth from his body. Which was his true self? Was he the boy with Duo, or the cold image of glass that had cooled his skin for all of his sixteen years?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Duo watched Heero through their reflection. He knew his words had hurt Heero, but he couldn't find any other way to express his frustration at Heero not noticing HIS feelings for him. He need Heero just as much as he was convinced Heero need him. He had to get past the image Heero had created for himself. It would be hard, because he'd have to let down his mask as well, and that could be painful if Heero rejected him. Still, it was a chance he had to take.

Living now in a world where I have to hide my heart and what I believe in

But somehow I will show the world who I really am?

Heero smiled slightly when he felt Duo's lips brush across his cheek.

" Heero… look at us…"

Heero looked hard at their reflections, trying to discern the difference between this new reflection and his old one. He looked the same, but he didn't feel the same. A little fluttering had started in his heart as Duo's lips had touched him. He dissected Duo's reflection. Maybe Duo was the key to it all.

Help me look for who I am

" I didn't mean it. Gomen, Heero."

" It's my fault. I shouldn't ignore you're feelings and mine."

" And yours? Heero?"

" Hn. I care about you. I more than care about you! I just it's been so long since I showed anyone my feelings. It's been forever since I faced how I felt, since I faced who I really am."

Heero moved from Duo's grasp and caressed his image in the mirror. His hands outlined his own smooth features, then moved to Duo's. He breathed in deep, trying to calm the storm of emotions rising in his chest. He loved Duo, he had for awhile, but love wasn't something the perfect soldier was supposed to feel. " Follow your feelings" he said… so much easier said than done, yet, it was the best and only real advice he'd ever been given.

Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

" Heero…"

" Why do we have to act like this Duo?"

" Act like what?"

" Why do we hide who we really are? You act like you're always happy, Quatre is always supportive and nice, Trowa is quiet, Wufei spouts off about justice, and I act like I feel nothing. Why do we wear these masks? Why hide who we are inside?"

Why must we all conceal

What we think, how we feel?

Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?

" We do it to save ourselves. To deal with the war. Can you really afford to care about others when you're killing? But still, we kill ourselves when we hide our emotions instead of dealing with them."

" No and I shouldn't have space to care about you, but I do. I'm lost in my feelings. I don't know how to act anymore."

Duo hugged Heero close, " Act however you need to. We all fall apart sometimes."

I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time

Heero pulled back slightly and kissed Duo.

" I'll do that. I will eventually be me again. I think I must have been innocent once, and I must have cared."

Duo laughed softly, " I know you were. You're a beautiful person Heero. I just know it."

Duo held Heero's hand and kissed the palm softly. He placed both of their fingers on the mirror, Duo's hand guiding Heero's down his face and over his lips, and repeated the procedure with his own reflection.

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Heero looked in the mirror at himself and Duo. He turned his back on the reflections and stared into the clear bright eyes that reflected his own soul. His hands traced over Duo's face, like he had done to the reflection. His lips turned up in a slight smile as he kissed Duo's slightly parted lips. He turned to look at both of them in the looking glass. Their bodies fit close together, molding to the other's.

" I'm starting to look more like myself."