And now for something slightly different, suggested by a
coincidence of appearance in "Lamune & 40 Fire." There are slight
spoilers, but L&40 is not a series that tries to surprise its viewers
much, except at the end...
MA VIE ET BOISSONS
by Scott K. Jamison
(Revolutionary Girl Utena & its associated characters, and Lamune & 40
Fire and *its* associated characters, and owned by their respective
companies, and no infringement is intended.)
As the smoke cleared from the explosion, Skyler groggily pushed
himself off the ground and looked at the two female figures picking their
way toward him through what looked like a dry ravine.
[Spunky-looking pink-haired tomboy, check. Demure dark-skinned girl
with blue-purplish hair, check. But different outfits and noticeably
younger. Anthy must've been trying out a new recipe again.]
"Utena? Himemiya-san? 'Zat you?"
The pink-haired girl blinked. The other might have too, but her
hair covered her eyes, making it impossible to tell.
"I'm sorry. You must have mistaken us for someone else. My name's
Parfait and this is Cacao," said the tomboy. "And you are?"
"Skyler Sands. Pleased to meet you."
Cacao spoke. "I sense that you are the second Brave we need!"
"Say what?" Skyler had a bad feeling about this.
"Hey, who's the old guy?" This came from a boy about the same age
as the girls (12 or 13), with unruly dark hair held back by an odd
headdress.
[Old guy? I've gone back to my true age?] Skyler felt his chin.
Nope, as smooth as ever. But he did learn that he was now wearing white
gloves, and his shirt had become short sleeved, with the epaulets
mushroomed into full shoulder pads. Same color scheme, though.
"He is Skyler the Brave, who will aid you in piloting Kaiser Fire,"
intoned Cacao in a "prophecy voice."
"Hi--"
The boy snorted. "My DNA tells me he's more like Skyler the
Chicken. Where'd you dig up this nerd anyway?"
"Lamuness! Don't you have any manners?" snapped Parfait.
"Ha! My master is so stupid!" piped up a small red lump on
Lamuness' shoulder pad that Skyler had initially taken for decoration.
"PQ, you must *really* want me to hurt you," growled Lamuness,
squeezing the lump with one hand.
Suddenly, Skyler's memory clicked. "Lamuness? As in Lamune & 40?
But I thought the robot was called King Skasher."
Parfait smiled. "You know the legend? That was Lamuness II's God
Machine. This is the new Brave, Lamuness III."
The boy put his hand behind his head and chuckled nervously. Now
that Skyler was looking for it, he did have a strong resemblance to the
anime character the fan remembered. [Great, I'm in the sequel.]
"My real name is Lamunade, but if they want me to be Lamuness, I can
do it. I'm so excited!"
"But we need a second Brave to pilot Kaiser Fire, which is where you
come in," said Parfait.
"Couldn't one of you girls have done that?" asked Skyler. "I don't
remember the mecha in this subgenre requiring a lot of training to use."
Parfait got a surprised look. "Hey, I never thought of that! Cacao,
why couldn't I be a Brave? Sure, we need Lamuness to actually summon the
God Machine with the Holy CD-ROM. but after that..."
As Parfait continued, the darker girl grew a huge sweat drop.
"Ano...well..." Cacao was saved by the commencement of evil villain
laughter from above.
Skyler looked up to see a floating platform with two outlandish
looking people standing (or perhaps "posing" was a better word) on it.
"At last we have found you again! Prepare to be defeated by the
combined beauty of Narcissus Dandy--" The bronze-skinned man looked like
a parody of male body sculptors, down to the twitching pecs when he
flexed.
"--And Pheremone Lip! Ahan!" The woman, seemingly the definition
of top-heavy blonde bimbo, cupped her breasts and jiggled them in a move
Skyler found vaguely repellent rather than sexy.
"Sez you!" Lamuness shook his fist at them. "Let's do it!"
Lamuness and Skyler were beamed to the ground as Kaiser Fire
returned to its origin point.
"My DNA says you aren't such a loser after all, Skyler. But where
the heck did you come up with that `Form Blazing Sword' line?" asked
Lamuness.
"Umm...a cartoon I watched when I was younger."
"You *are* an old man."
"Thanks a bunch, little buddy."
"Grr..."
"Hey guys, we've got to go!" yelled Parfait, and the party headed
off.
Behind them, a pile of rubble shifted, and a man with purple hair
crawled out. "Two minutes...is not enough..."
A yellow snake popped out of his shoulderpad. "I think we're too
late, Darling."
"My DNA tells me this is the way!"
"Don't--"
#CRASH# "Ow! Owie! Itai!"
Skyler winced as Lamuness slammed into yet another tree. [Now I
know how Max Mercury feels when he works with Impulse.]
He would have thought having a triple-digit IQ would be an advantage
in this series. But no, Lamuness never listened to Skyler, preferring the
counsel of his DNA (which did not seem terribly interested in its host's
survival.)
Things had gotten worse with the arrival of Da Cider, who seemingly
hadn't matured past the bad-pun-loving maniac he'd been in the first
series. He also was constantly trying to show up both Skyler and Lamuness
to become "the only true Brave."
Cacao was nice, but tended to live in a reality five degrees off
from everyone else. The shoulder mascots only really interacted with
their owners. Which left Parfait as the only reasonable person to talk
with--or it would, if she didn't keep going into jealous snits every time
Lamuness paid attention to another girl.
The only thing saving this motley band was the fact that their
enemies were even stupider. Narcissus and Pheromone combined had less
brains than your average penguin. The only reasons Skyler hadn't
mercifully killed them were a) a lingering ethical sense, as they just
barely qualified as sentient life; and b) the fear that the true villain,
Don Genosai, would hire somebody competent to replace them.
"Hey, this must be the right one!" #CRASH#
Skyler sighed and moved to help extricate Lamuness from his latest
pitfall.
Skyler sighed in relief. The Braves had managed to free the people
of Aralala Village from Don Genosai's mind control. This despite Lamuness
and Da Cider almost immediately succumbing to despair when they'd been
greeted with hatred and persecution by the townspeople. Apparently,
Skyler's long history of being rejected and underappreciated had inured
him a bit better to that sort of treatment.
Still, it rankled to be mostly ignored while the two idiots pumped
the gratitude of the townspeople for all it was worth. As far as Skyler
could tell, everything would have happened exactly the same if he hadn't
been here. [Hmm...my glasses are dirty.]
While he had the spectacles off, wiping them on a handkerchief he'd
gotten out of hammerspace (or the local equivalent, if you thought about
it too hard, it didn't work), Skyler was startled to hear a woman say,
"Hey, look over there!"
"What a hunk!"
"Where'd *he* come from?"
Skyler looked up. For some reason, there was suddenly a bunch of
young women surrounding him. "Um? Hello?"
A pink-haired blur asked, "Skyler? Is that you?" That was
Parfait's voice.
"Yes, is there something wrong?"
"I--I never realized you were so handsome."
[What's gotten into her all of a sudden? Is this more
brainwashing?]
Then another woman said, "That scar gives him just the right touch
of vulnerability, don't you think?" to general agreement by the other
ladies.
[Scar? Oh, now I get it. I'd forgotten that in this universe,
`You're beautiful without your glasses' isn't just a pick-up line, it's
literally true. About *time* something worked in my favor for a change.]
Blushing slightly, Skyler grinned at his "instant fan club."
"Oh, a warrior's life is filled with strife and woe,
and when battle calls, then it's off that he must go,
But when the war is over, and the fighter's earned his rest,
then it's for the bonny lassies that he's done his best."
"Oooh," breathed the ladies. "Handsome *and* poetic!"
"Here's my address," said a redhead, pressing a piece of paper into
Skyler's hands.
A blue-haired lass pressed close with her own piece of paper. "Hi,
I'm Phosphate, and here's my address *and* my measurements."
"Hey!" A green-haired girl shouldered Phosphate aside. "My name's
Fizzipop, and *I* can cook. Here, try one of my creampuffs." She leaned
in close enough for Skyler to clearly see the pastry, and her cleavage.
This started a general jostling for position, as the women all tried
to introduce themselves at once. Several things were thrust into Skyler's
hands, at least one of which felt like silk, but he was too busy nodding
and smiling at each admirer to look at the gifts.
Just over the crowd noise, Skyler could hear, "Oi, girls, Legendary
Brave Lamuness over here, remember?"
That voice had no effect, but Cacao's "prophecy voice" did.
"We must hurry. The time grows near."
"My DNA says let's go!"
Skyler slipped back on his glasses, and there was a general "aww"
from the ladies as he rejoined the others.
Da Cider sneered as the party headed for Don Genosai's lair,
formerly Aralala Castle. "Lasses shouldn't make passes at asses who wear
glasses."
His serpentine advisor popped out of Da Cider's shoulderpad. "You'll
always have me, Darling!"
"That's what I'm afraid of, Hebi Metako, that's what I'm afraid of."
The victory celebration was in full swing.
Akakaze and Momokaze, the mysterious masked warriors,were now
revealed to be Lamune (aka Lamuness II) and Milk, Lamunade's parents. This
somehow surprised everyone but Skyler, who'd figured it out the first time
they'd appeared. They were off necking in a corner.
Da Cider reunited with his steady girlfriend, Queen Cafe au Lait,
who was berating him for running off to play hero and flirt with other
women while she was imprisoned.
Lamunade was waffling about whether he liked Parfait, Cacao, or some
other girl the best. But he was only twelve, after all. He had his whole
love life ahead of him.
Narcissus and Pheremone, well, best not to think too hard about
that.
And Skyler? Well, it turned out that since the original series
Princess Cocoa had grown into a fine figure of a woman, even wearing her
glasses. She was the smartest person Skyler had met in this world, still
single, and seemed to have taken a shine to him.
"Doki-Doki Space will be forever in debt to you, Skyler the Brave."
"Just Skyler, and it isn't that big of a deal, Princess; it was
kinda my duty. Like the philosopher said, `For evil to triumph, it is
sufficient that good men do nothing.'"
Cocoa smiled. The effect was dazzling. "You're quite well-read, I
see. And please, call me Cocoa."
"O-okay, Cocoa."
"And I mean it. We all owe you a tremendous debt of gratitude, and
if there's anything I, err, we can do..."
"Well, err, I, Um...." As usual, Skyler's tongue had gone numb at
the critical moment.
Cocoa seemed to understand, and moved in closer, taking Skyler's arm
in hers.
"Woo-hah! My DNA says Skyler's gonna get lucky tonight!"
"Lamuness no ecchi! I have *big* doubts about you!" Parfait took
the boy by the ear.
"All this excitement. I do believe I shall faint," said Cacao,
matching action to words.
"See? Why can't you be affectionate like your sister?" griped Da
Cider.
"Affectionate? I'll give you affectionate!!" screamed Cafe au Lait.
She pulled out a whip. "Call me Queen!"
Milk and Lamune were dead to the world.
"Maybe a bit more privacy would be good?" suggested Skyler.
"Un. Let's go out on the balcony."
Things were a bit quieter out there, and a cool breeze felt good on
Skyler's skin. His heart pounded as he looked at the pointy-eared
princess' blue eyes. "M-may I?"
"Make it so, my Brave." She pursed her lips, and Skyler leaned
down--
There was a horrible thumping noise, and someone yelled, "Skyler!
Wake up!"
He looked around, but there was no one there. "Huh? Wha?"
The pounding continued.
Skyler turned back to the princess, to see her fading into
nothingness.
"Goodby--"
"No! Cocoa! COCOA!"
And then he was back in his bed at Higashi-kan. There was a
pink-haired girl standing in the doorway, Parfait? No, Utena.
"Shee, and I thought my aunt got worked up about her morning
coffee." She stretched lazily. "Anyhow, you'd better get up now.
Breakfast is almost over."
As Utena left, Skyler collected himself. "It was a dream. All just
a dream." He got up and started dressing--then noticed there was a pair
of white gloves on the desk. Just like he'd worn in the dream.
And he couldn't help but twitch when he discovered that Anthy was
serving lemonade and cider for breakfast--with a single cup of cocoa set
at Skyler's place.
[The Shadow Play wall, but A-ko and B-ko aren't there. Instead,
it's the shadows of exaggeratedly male and female characters.
[Man: This is called the "It's all a dream or is it, you'll never
know, and go mad from trying to figure it out" plan!
[Woman: This is your best idea yet, Narcissus! Ahan! (She wiggles
suggestively.)]
FIN MVeB....
SKJAM!
(Wondering when the first "Parasite Eve"/"Lamune & 40 Fire" crossover
will be written.)
Send comments to skjam@yahoo.com