More Courtroom Bloopers
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with 
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an 
army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and
preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter, has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom 
bloopers in two books (Humor in the Court (1977) and More 
Humor in the Court.

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Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

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Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

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Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

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Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

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Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.

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Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

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Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?

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Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

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Q: So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.

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Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

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Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

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Q.. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember
his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!

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Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.  No.

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Q.  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A.  By death.
Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

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Q.  Are you married?
A.  No, I'm divorced.
Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.

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Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.

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Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A.  I will be three months November 8th.
Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A.  Yes.
Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?

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Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you committed suicide?
A.  Four times.

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Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

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Q.  Were you aquatinted with the deceased?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?

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Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronounce his words.

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Q.  What happened then?
A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q.  Did he kill you?
A.  No.

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Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.

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THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

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Q.  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A.  No.
Q.  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A.  Picking them up in the air.
Q.  Where was the dog at this time?
A.  Attached to the ears.

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Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on 
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning 
you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

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Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?  What
school do you go to?
A.  Oral.
Q.  How old are you?
A.  Oral.

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleeps,
in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't 
know anything about it until the next morning?

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Q: Was it you or your brother than was killed in the war?

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Q: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

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Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

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Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

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Q: So you were gone until you returned?

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Q:  She had three children, right?
A:  Yes.
Q:  How many were boys?
A:  None.
Q:  Were there girls?

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Q:  You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked
like, but can you describe it?

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Q:  You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A:  Yes.
Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?

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Q:  Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body
of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A:  It was in the evening.  The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q:  And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?

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Q:  Have you lived in this town all your life?
A:  Not yet.