False Stories
 Where am I
 A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
 reduces height and spots a man down below.  He lowers the balloon
 further and shouts:

 "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

 The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30
 feet above this field."

 "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

 "I do" replies the man.  "How did you know?"

 "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
 technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

 The man below says "you must work in business."

 "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

 "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
 going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same
 position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

----------
 The Genie
 Two men were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.  Finding he
 left his lighter at home, he asked his friend for a light."

 "No problem," the man replied, and reached into his golf bag and
 pulled out a Bic lighter that's easily a foot long.
 "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster?"

 "I got it from my genie."
 "You have a genie..."

 "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag!"
 "Let me see..."

 The man opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.  Quick to take
 advantage, the friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master.
 Will you grant me one wish?"

 "Sure will!" the genie said. So the guy requests the usual million
 dollars, and the genie hops back into the golf bag leaving him
 standing there waiting.  Suddenly, the sky darkens and the sound
 of thousands and thousands (actually, a million) birds flying overhead
 is heard, with an almost deafening quacking. The friend snarls to his
 golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

 "Well," his buddy smiles, "He's a little hard of hearing.  Do you
 really think I asked him for a 12-inch Bic?"

----------
 A Woman Golfer
 A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
 day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round
 and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman
 and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very
 attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the 
 round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns
 out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little 
 competition on the last hole.

 He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift
 when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly
 enjoyable morning.

 On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company
 and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the
 course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over 
 so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls 
 over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...

 The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they
 play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly
 peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a
 magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight,
 competitive round of golf.
 
 Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and
 again she shows her appreciation.

 This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.
 This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in
 the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has
 had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a
 fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the
 penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

 Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to
 this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but
 eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, 
 "I'm a transvestite."

 He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to
 a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.  "I'm
 sorry," she repeats...

 "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
 bastard! You've been playing off the red tees all week!"

----------
 Five Doctors Duck Hunting
 Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were
 a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.  After
 a time, a bird came winging overhead.  The first to react was the GP
 who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

 "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have
 to get a second opinion."  And of course by that time, the bird was 
 long gone.

 Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the
 pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if
 it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies.
 "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the 
 creature made good its escape.

 Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun
 shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
 "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" 
 The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this 
 dilemma.

 Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon
 pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation.  BOOM!!  The
 surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the
 pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

----------
 Joke 1
 On a kibbutz, Mr. Stein's wife went into labor in the middle of the
 night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep
 the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
 and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

 Soon, a small baby boy was brought into the world.

 "Oy ves mire, Stein!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put
 the lantern down... I think there's yet another one to come."

 Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

 "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
 young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the
 doctor.

 The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
 doctor.
 "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

----------
 Joke 2
 My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time
 we visited, I made sure to wear one.

 As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said,
 "What's the matter?  You didn't like the other one?"

----------
 Weekend In Atlantic City
 Having her hair done at a West Hempstead beauty parlor, a woman
 told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a
 wider audience.

 On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, the woman related, she won
 a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from
 the slot for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.
 But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right
 back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the 
 coin-laden bucket to the elevator bank.

 As she was about to walk into an elevator she noticed two men
 already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.  Very big.
 An intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was:
 These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a 
 bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is 
 awfully black.

 But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She
 stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered,
 and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they 
 surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all 
 too obvious.

 Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty
 effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
 followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye 
 contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as 
 they closed.

 A second passed, and then another second, and then another. The
 elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought,
 I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration
 poured from every pore.

 Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do
 what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
 she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. 
 A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare 
 me, she prayed. More seconds passed.

 She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell
 us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The
 one who said it had a little trouble getting words out. He was trying to
 hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
 They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

 "When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the
 average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the
 elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
 ma'am." He spokegenially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was 
 having a hard time not laughing.

 She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.  She
 was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
 but words failed her.

 How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for
 behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't know.

 The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

 When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her
 to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they
 were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door
 they bid her good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear
 them laughing while they walked back to the elevator bank.

 The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
 downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers
 were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.  Attached to each
 rose was a crisp one dollar bill.

 A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It
 was signed, Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.