By Ketheres Elyion

Shinji lay on his bed, as always, listening to his music. As per his custom, he was trying to push back any thoughts out of his mind with the aid of his SDAT player. Trying to remove anything that brought him discomfort. There was one thought that still wouldn't go away though.

It was a strange thought, one he was not used to thinking. It was one of attraction. The attractions of Shinji Ikari were always strange ones. He had never even given girls a second though when he was living with his uncle. Of course, he never really gave anything a second thought back then, nothing really mattered. But now, he had to make decisions. Life was no longer the meandering stream that once carried him along. It was now a raging river that threatened to drown him if he didn't make choices.

He didn't mind choices so much. He could handle decisions when he had to. What really bothered him were the things that seemed to pop up out of nowhere in particular and grab his attention. It seemed that now that he was more active, there was more in the world. And one of those things was girls.

It wasn't that he wasn't appreciative. Sure, girls were nice to look at. It was a lot better than looking at the leering faces of Kensuke and Toji all day. But he had never really developed any sort of opinion about them beyond whether this one was good-looking or not. Such things had never interested him - so he claimed.

Of course it was lie, and he knew his friends saw through it to some degree or another. But the lie was more for his own sake than theirs. He never liked expressing his emotions, even to himself. To accept that he was attracted to someone would have been devastating to his idea of himself, the solitary kid that no one could ever like. To believe that he was attracted to others would open the idea that he was attractive to others - an idea so alien to him he couldn't comprehend it. Nor did he want to comprehend it.

Sometimes he wanted to go back to his uncle's home, where everything was nice and boring. Where nothing ever really happened. Where he didn't have to live, just exist. But he couldn't go back, because he knew he would never be happy now that he had experienced what he had as a pilot. As a pilot, he was powerful. The vanguard of an elite few who had the power to protect humanity. A savior of the planet. At least he'd like to think that way.

A thought suddenly interrupts all others. It wades into his stream of consciousness and redirects the flow back to its original destination. You can't change the subject that easily Shinji, you haven't worked out the problem that got you here tonight.

True enough. Shinji Ikari had a problem. It bore the name of Hikari Horaki - class representative of II-A (and don't you forget it). She always did seem to be a little domineering, maybe that's why she could stand Asuka.

He never had quite got Asuka figured out, she was more of an active project for consideration.

Once again, something intercedes in the proceedings. Get back on subject Shinji, no dodging the problem.

The problem. Hikari. Hikari Horaki. Hiraki Horaki, the class rep. Hikari Horaki...

Realizing the futility of fighting himself, Shinji rolls over onto his stomach and turns up the volume. Maybe he can just run away instead.

Dammit! It was annoying to have a spine now; he had to face what it was that was bothering him. Used to he could have blocked it out. Alright. The problem.

There really wasn't any problem, at least not with Hikari herself. It was more like Shinji's problem with Shinji about Hikari. For some reason or another, he had been unable to think of much else lately, and he couldn't figure why.

It wasn't like the situation with Asuka, the fiery red head who had dropped into his (and everyone else's) life overnight. Hikari had always been there. Dependable. She had always been willing to help anyone who needed it. Friendly. She was a very comforting person. Kind. And as far as looks went, she wasn't a goddess - but she did beat out nearly everyone else in the class. Attractive.

And she was - for all intents and purposes - Toji's girlfriend, even if Toji himself hadn't caught on. Taken.

But was it that Shinji really wanted her like that. A relationship? Could he ever have one with anyone? Asuka was about the only one, but history was not too favoring of that pairing. Besides, he'd like to be able to kiss a girl without the fear of being asphyxiated while doing it. But that wasn't what he wanted. Wasn't it?

What was so amazing about the opposite sex anyway? So their pretty, big deal. That doesn't prove anything. If it did, then what did it prove other than the fact itself. So was the attraction only physical? No. If it was, why wouldn't he be having this problem over Asuka - who had been statistically proven to be the most attractive girl in school, as Kensuke and Toji's bulging wallets testified to the sales of her pictures. Maybe it was because Asuka was so unattainable. In the entire time she had been there, no guy had ever gotten her to go out with him, except for when she went out with that med-student. And that was just as a favor to Hikari. Hikari again.

What was it about her? She was more attainable than Asuka, more of a realistic possibility. But she wasn't available anymore. It was now her and Toji, a package deal. So she wasn't really attainable at all. Back to this again. If it was about whoever couldn't be had, this whole problem would have just been appended to Asuka's large file. But it wasn't, so there was something else. But what?

Shinji was suddenly interrupted mid-thought when a pillow impacted with the back of his head. He turned over to see Asuka at the door of his room.

"Get up moron. Misato's back and she's pissed."

Great. More problems.

Shinji wandered into the kitchen and sat down in his customary spot beside Asuka. Across the table was an annoyed looking Misato. She apparently was about to get on about something, so Shinji did what he always did. He prepared his "yes" face with nodding at the appropriate points (whenever Misato's voice changed in tone). Preparations being made, he drowned out any meaningful audial input by running one of his favorite songs through his head. He tried to go back to the problem of Hikari, but was suddenly interrupted as Misato slammed her palms down on the table and leaned across - towering over him.

Misato: Shinji! Are you paying attention?

Shinji (cowering): Yes ma'am.

Asuka (snidely): Oh he's paying attention now. Now that he can look down your shirt. Pervert!

Shinji: I was not!

Asuka (turning on him): You were, just admit it. You sicko! Why can't we just commit you to some psycho ward somewhere and be done with it?

Misato (angry): Because you'd be sent there first Asuka!

(The two children shrink back under the oncoming verbal assault.)

Misato: Don't try to get out of this by diverting attention to Shinji. This pertains to you both! How could you have skipped a harmonics test!?

Asuka: What's it matter! I don't need to be there! The Invincible Shinji can take care of everything! Let him fight all the battles from now on.

(Asuka had not yet been made aware of his falling ratio.)

Shinji (muttering): I've fought all of them up till now...

Asuka: You little creep! You're pathetic! What would have you done without me? I've saved your butt since the Sixth Angel! And before I was here, you had to get help from Wonder Girl.

Shinji: At least she's nice about it.

Asuka: Oh! You'd like it if I just went away so you and the Zero could be alone wouldn't you!?

Shinji (evenly): Very much so.

Asuka: What!?

Shinji: I never complained when it was just us. And I never asked for whatever help you claim to have given me.

(Misato stared dumbfounded at the scene before her. Normally, Shinji would take his evening abuse without protest and go back to his room. But tonight he was fighting back. Not so much with vigor as with venom - pure poison.)

Shinji: You can go back to krautland for all I care. And you can take Unit 02 with you. We don't need a pilot who can't control herself. Next thing you know, she won't be able to control her EVA.

Asuka: You little-

Shinji: I'm sure we can find a replacement.

Asuka: Now listen--

Shinji: But good help is so hard to find, as you have so well proven.

Asuka: Why you-

Shiji: Not that we really need anyone besides Rei and myself anyway.

Asuka: But-

Shinji: All you ever do is bitch about this and that. You bust my balls and everyone else's morale with your attitude. They're as sick of you as I am.

Asuka: ---

Shinji: You can go to your room and cry now if you want.

There is a sudden blur of red hair as Asuka pounced on Shinji. They both fell backwards over his chair and rolled into the den area. Misato was quick to react, but not quick enough. There was a loud *smack* as Asuka's palm left a red print across Shinji's face.

Misato approached from behind and restrained Asuka while trying to pull her off Shinji. She felt a thump as Asuka went limp for a second. Misato realized what had happened - Shinji had punched her in the stomach. Hard.

The girl completely transformed into a red-maned hellcat. She tried to break free of Misato, constantly clawing at Shinji with outstretched hands. Her grip slipping, Misato took a different tactic. Recalling her days in the security forces, Misato launched Asuka across the room onto the couch. Before the enraged girl could rise again, the major is on top of her, using the best arm lock she could manage. She turned to Shinji and barks a quick retreat order. Before moving, Shinji spoke.

"Good night Asuka. Thanks for the lovely evening."

The girl replied with an incoherent mix of sputter and scream. Misato shot him a look that conveyed the message well enough - get the hell out.

Shinji left the two for the security of his room. Plopping down onto the bed, he jammed the earphones into place and hit the play button - but not until making a prodigious adjustment to the volume settings.

The music was so loud that his head hurt. But he'd rather have a headache than another sort of pain. Physical pain goes away, other pains just seem to linger. After a couple of ear-splittingly loud songs, he cut off the SDAT and sat up, removing the pieces from his throbbing ears. Hearing something strange coming from the kitchen, he got up and cracked his door open slightly. From down the hall, he could hear Misato and Asuka.

Misato: What was all that about?

Asuka: Why don't you ask Shinji? He started it!

Misato: Really? From where I was sitting, it looked you were the one that attacked first.

Asuka: Well he provoked me.

Misato: That's what I'm talking about.

Asuka: How can you take his side?

Misato: I'm not taking anyone's side. You provoked him and he fought back. You couldn't take what you're always dishing out and tried to fight him in a way you though he couldn't win at. You're mad now because you realized that he beat you there too.

Asuka: He did not beat me! I'm out of breath because you made me cry when you twisted my arm out of the socket! That's all!

(A feeble lie.)

Misato: Asuka, you just have to understand that you can't go around stepping on everybody else without expecting someone to do it to you one day. What goes around comes around, some way or another.

(Asuka sniffed.)

Misato: Look, I'll talk to Shinji later. I want you two to try and make up, otherwise it'll just be harder to live and work together.

Asuka: Forget it! I don't care what happens to him! I don't care if he gets swallowed whole by another Angel! I don't care if he's the greatest EVA pilot in the world! I don't care... if... if... he and... Rei... ---- I don't care!!!

Asuka got up and stormed towards her room. Shinji quickly ducked back into his, closing the door behind him. She slammed her door so hard that a couple of pictures in the hall fell off their nails.

Shinji laid back on the bed. This time he didn't put the SDAT in his ears again. He just stared at the ceiling. His thoughts focused on Asuka's last, half-formed phrase.

"I don't care... if... if... he and... Rei..."

Was there jealousy? Obviously. But what about? There really wasn't anything between Shinji in Rei - in the normal sense. They had a strange connection on some level, but nothing that anyone could be really jealous of. It wasn't a physical relationship. It wasn't a communicative relationship. It wasn't really anything noticeable to anyone. Except to someone who was looking for something to be jealous of.

Was that it? Did Asuka have it in for him to such a degree that he couldn't be happy in any manner whatsoever? No, that couldn't be it. She never bothered him when he was with his friends, and he was happy then. What was it then?

Shinji recalled Mana. He remembered how insane Asuka had acted throughout that entire ordeal. She was crazy with... envy? Could she be envious? Was that it? But if she was, what of? That other people had relationships but not her? Maybe. She didn't like to hear about Misato's dates with Kaji, but she didn't seem to mind hearing Hikari expounding the many virtues of Toji. Hikari once again. What was it about her?

Shinji stopped for a moment. He had heard a banging sound come from the kitchen. He left his room, carefully tiptoeing past Asuka's, and entered the kitchen. Apparently the evening had taken its toll on Misato.

She sat slumped over the edge of the table, a half-finished beer can draining out its contents onto the table - apparently dropped from her grasp when she passed out. One and a half packs worth of crushed cans littered the floor and table around her. She snored somewhat, finally finding peace in sleep that couldn't be had in waking life.

Shinji went into maid mode and cleaned up the mess around his caretaker. After tossing away the cans, he wiped up the spill and finished the job by draping a sheet over Misato. He walked back to his room, feeling oddly empty. It was like it was, nothing different. She makes a mess, he cleans it up. He looked at Asuka's closed door. She gets mad and takes it out on him.

He returned to his room and laid back on the bed, thinking of Hikari. She does what? What does she do to him? Nothing really. All she is, is kind. All she does is be nice. She's nothing more than normal.

And that was it.

Shinji had found the reason. That's why he had been attracted to her. She had a fairly normal life. She wasn't a pilot like Asuka or Rei. She wasn't in charge like Misato. She had a happy family life with two loving sisters. She was... free. She didn't have the weight of the world's future looming over her.

That's what it was. A craving for a normal existence. A wish for a life less extraordinary. That's what Hikari was. A symbol for happiness and normalcy in life. Having solved the night's original problem, Shinji prepared to go to bed - trying to forget the new problems started that night.

Later that night, Shinji lay in bed, trying to fall asleep. He jumped as there was a knock at his door. He hesitantly sat up and welcomed in the visitor. The door opened to reveal Asuka. She had obviously been crying for most of the night. Even in the little light provided by the moon through the window, he could see her eyes were red.

Shinji: What is it Asuka?

Asuka: Shinji... I... I... I just want to say...

Shinji: Don't worry.

Asuka: What?

Shinji: I said, don't worry about it. Just forget about it.

(Shinji recalled his father's words about burying memories to survive. He now saw the wisdom in that. But Asuka apparently didn't share that viewpoint.)

Asuka: No. I can't.

Shinji: Why not?

Asuka: It wouldn't... it wouldn't be right.

Shinji: Why not?

Asuka: Forgive and forget you know. I can't forget it until it's forgiven.

Shinji: Why not?

Asuka: Dammit Shinji, can't you say something besides 'why not'?

Shinji: Like what?

(Asuka broke. Her face split into a weak smile at Shinji's response. She bowed her head as she leaned harder against the doorframe, which creaked under the pressure. She looked back up, meeting his gaze.)

Asuka: How about saying 'I forgive you'?

Shinji: OK. I forgive you.

Asuka (chiding): Idiot. Wait your turn.

Shinji: Sorry.

Asuka: Now, Shinji. I'm sorry for what happened tonight. I shouldn't have said those things.

Shinji: It's OK, Asuka. Really.

Asuka: .....

Shinji: I forgive you.

Asuka: Thank you.

(Asuka turned to leave. Before she has completely closed the door, he called her. She quickly opens the door and poked her head back in the room, seeming anxious to hear whatever he has to say.)

Shinji: I'm sorry for hitting you.

(Asuka smiled devilishly for a moment.)

Asuka: You call that a hit? My grandmother could do better.

(Shinji returned the mischievous grin.)

Shinji: Have her over the next time we have a wrestling match. I'll show up the both of you.

Asuka: Yea sure. I'll bet.

(The two laughed for a moment. After finishing, their smiles of mirth shift to smiles of understanding.)

Asuka: Good night Shinji.

Shinji: Good night Asuka.

After she closed his door, Shinji listened closely to hear her door closing. With the satisfying click of the doorknob, Shinji felt like something has happened that night. A closure of sorts, and an opening of sorts. One problem solved, one made. Another problem solved, an opportunity made. It had been a full evening in the apartment.

Maybe there wouldn't ever be normalcy, but at least there can be happiness. With his last though for the night, Shinji closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep, dreaming happily.

And somewhere in his dreams, Ruri waited for him.

Notes: I went crazy with this one. I was working on the Hikari section of "Temptation of Tabris" when this little one-shot leaped into being. Just sort of a look into the psyche of Shinji and somewhat of Asuka (as if we haven't seen enough already). The timing would be immediately after the sixteenth episode, but before the seventeenth. For those of you who don't know, Ruri is from Martian Successor Nadesco (think of Rei with an attitude, Ruri's favorite name for everybody is "baka"). Another short written under the influence of insomnia, thus the ending. Sorry to those depressive people who are upset by the happy ending, I figured there was enough angst in the middle of the story. And a sincere apology to any Germans offended in the reading of this fanfic.

Extra note: Fifteen minutes after finishing this fanfic and going to bed, some jackass tripped the fire alarm in my dorm. I'm never gonna get any sleep!

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