By Ketheres Elyion

Inside the testing facility's control room, Ritsuko made the final preparations as Misato watched over the operation. Toji had just been seated in the plug, which was now being positioned into the EVA.

She glanced over at Ritsuko once more. For some reason or another, the doctor had seemed rather subdued throughout the whole process - as if she knew something that she wasn't going to share. Misato dismissed it as her usual stand-offish demeanor. Her musings were ended as one of the support techs began talking.

Tech1: Entry plug secured.

Ritsuko: Begin Phase-one connection.

Tech1: Transmitting pulses.

Tech2: Graph display within norms. List clear through 1-3-5-0.

(Inside the EVA, Toji felt a slight vibration pass through his body. The strange thing was that it had started inside him and resonated out. He felt somewhat nervous, but chided himself for it enough that he managed to keep himself from being afraid.)

Tech1: Full nerve link established. List clear through 2-5-5-0.

Tech2: Harmonics all reading standard.

(Toji was surprised as he felt - rather than heard - a hum coursing through the LCL. The vibration he had felt in his body had passed away and was now replaced by a strange tingling sensation, as if he was not sensing his body but an area outside his body.)

Tech1: Approaching absolute threshold.

(Toji closed his eyes and gritted his teeth as the humming became more powerful - nearing a rattle. At the same time, the sensations in his body became more intense until it felt as if each nerve was firing at once and in synchrony. Then, in less than an instant, both the sensation and the hum ceased. Toji felt comfortable now, but he had the strange feeling that he was not alone. At the same instant in the control room, all hell had made its decision to break loose.)

Tech2: There's a huge power surge coming from inside the unit!

Ritsuko: Abort the test! Detach the cable!

(The umbilical cable exploded from the back of the EVA in a puff of smoke, falling away from the now moving Unit that had begun to struggle against the cage restraints.)

Ritsuko: Abort! Shut it down!

Tech1: No response! The EVA is acting on its own!

Misato: Partial plug ejection! Now!

(In response to the command, the armor plate on the back of the struggling EVA lifted momentarily, revealing a purple web-like substance beneath. The plate quickly snapped back closed.)

Misato: It's been infected by an Angel!

Ritsuko: Cut all internal circuits! Don't let it gain full access to the EVA's motor functions!

Tech1: No response! The Angel is using the pilot to connect with the body! It's by passing the circuits!

Ritsuko: Full nerve cut!

Tech1: Attempting!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Inside the plug, Toji's view of the testing cage suddenly went black.)

Toji: What the hell?

Voice: Please....

Toji: AAAAAHH!! What the hell's going on?

Voice: Please....

Toji: Who is that? Misato? Is that you?

Voice: Please....

Toji: Who is it? Quit hiding!

(Toji' suddenly felt himself freed from the safety restraint of the plug seat. His confusion increased as he realized that he was no longer sitting, but rather standing. He still stood in the blackness, but it was no longer empty. Several feet ahead of him, he could make out a small form.)

Toji: Who are you?

(The form didn't move, but again the voice came from it.)

Voice: Please... Let me...

Toji walked closer to the being, trying to get a better view in the darkness. Standing within arm's length, he was able to discern what it was he was seeing. Sitting before him on what could be considered to ground - which was as black and indistinguishable from the rest of the surroundings - was a girl. She was clothed in a standard issue school uniform. Beyond that, he couldn't tell anything else as she was curled into a tight ball - her head tucked behind her knees. His anger and fear dissolved into a wondering apprehension.

Toji (softer): Who are you?

Voice: Please.... I... I'm so lonely.

Toji: Why?

Voice: I am... alone. I have always been alone. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Toji: What are you?

(The girl raised her head - just enough to make her face visible. Toji almost fell back. Sitting at his feet was Hikari, her cheeks glistening from the tears streaming from her eyes.)

Toji (shocked): Hikari?

Girl: No. I'm not the one you think of. I take this form so you might pity me.

(The girl did look pitiful. Her hair, which was usually held in the two prim, almost child-like, pigtails was falling about her shoulders freely. Some was stuck against her face, welded there by the tears. Her eyes were bleary and red, as if she'd been crying forever.)

Toji: What?

Girl: You would not pity me otherwise. You would kill me.

(The thought of killing another human frightened Toji. He would hit people, but that was the extent of it. To be told he would kill her shocked him.)

Toji: I'd never kill anyone.

Girl: You would kill me, if you knew me.

Toji: No I wouldn't. What are you?

Girl: I am lonely. I have waited in this body for another soul, another being. So that I might cease my loneliness.

Toji: Why are you lonely?

Girl: You could not understand. You have others. To me, there had never been an Other until now.

(The image of Hikari had been looking downwards. She slowly tilted her head to meet Toji's gaze. She had stopped crying, and the corners of her mouth lifted in a weak smile.)

Girl: You are compassionate. You protect your friends and your loved ones. Will you let me?

Toji: Let you what?

Girl: Stay here... I want to stay here. Please don't make me leave. Don't make me be alone...

Toji: I don't get any of this. What are you?

Girl: I'm whatever you want me to be so long as I can stay.

(The girl stood. As she straightened, her hair lengthened and she grew taller. Her clothes shifted colors from the green and white of a school uniform to the red and brown of Misato Katsuragi's signature outfit. Toji was, to say the least, shocked.)

Toji: Wh-wh-what?

Girl: If this is not what you want, then I can be something else.

(The image of Misato shrank, until its height was roughly cut in half. The clothes once again shifted, this time into a white hospital gown. Standing before Toji was the image of his sister, staring up at him. Not the injured girl that was still lying in traction, but his sister - healthy and smiling.)

Girl: I will give you whatever you want that is in my power to provide.

(The image reverted back to Hikari, but this was more like the real Hikari. She stood a couple inches shorter than him, her hair back in the standard pigtails, and no tears on her face.)

Girl: I'll do whatever I can for you. But please...

(The image once again returned to its original state. The tear soaked face looked up at Toji, the eyes pleading with him.)

Girl: Don't let me be alone anymore. I can't stand it any longer.

The whole spectacle had left Toji completely mystified. He could tell that whatever this was, it wasn't what it appeared to be. But it still seemed to want nothing more than his company. He wondered if this was the will of the EVA. He had heard a couple of off hand, muttered sentences in which Shinji said something about the EVA having a mind of its own. Could this be the mind of his EVA? And if it was, shouldn't he accept it?

Toji: Well... I'm here aren't I? I guess I can be here for you whenever I pilot.

(The apparition smiled.)

Girl: Thank you. Now, what is it that you want from this world?

Toji: I don't understand.

Girl: You haven't refused me. I will repay you with giving you whatever you want.

Toji: Seriously?

Girl: Deadly.

(Toji pondered the offer. His thoughts reviewed the images he had just seen. Hikari - who had managed to remain cheerful through the whole ordeal of the Angels. Misato - who had to lead the operations against the enemy. His sister - who had been hurt by the Angel while Shinji fought it. Toji made his decision.)

Toji: I want to destroy the Angels.

Girl: Is that it?

Toji: That's why I'm here in the first place. That's what you here for too, right?

Girl: Yes, you could say that. Very well, the Angels it is then.

Toji: Will you be here the next time I come to pilot?

Girl: You don't need to leave, you can stay here with me.

Toji: But there's no Angel around right now. This is just a test to see if I could synch.

Girl: Why wait for the Angels to come? There is a way to end the attacks.

Toji: What? There is?

Girl: Yes. And now that you are here, I can make sure that you never have to face them again.

Toji: That would be great, but how can we do it?

(The girl stood up, wrapping her arms around Toji's waist and resting her head on his shoulder. She spoke softly, almost inaudibly.)

Girl: You trust me, don't you?

Toji: Well, you're my EVA. I have to trust you, right?

Girl: But do you, of your own free will, entrust yourself to me?

Toji: Yes, I suppose I do.

Girl: Then you are right. I am yours.

The being known to NERV as Bardiel the Thirteenth Angel thought to itself, "And you are mine dear Child. You will never leave me. And no one will keep us from the Promise."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(In the control center, the technician reported back on the attempt at the full nerve cut he had initiated seconds before.)

Tech1: No good! The Angel has completely overtaken the Unit!

Tech2: High energy response within the unit!

(At that moment the struggling Unit 03 lifted it's head jerkily. The blazing red eyes suddenly flashed a brilliant blue.)

Tech2: Sycnhro-graph is reading three patterns! The pilot, Unit 03, and another! The Angel has bypassed the nerve cut by synchronizing with the pilot and the EVA at the same time.

Tech1: Confirmed! Pattern Orange!

Tech2: We have an S2 signature!

(The Unit's eyes shifted back from blue to red as the Unit broke its jaw restraint - letting out a roar.)

Misato: Everyone down!

(A split second before the blast hit the control room, Misato knocked Ritsuko to the floor behind one of the operating desks, taking the brunt of the force herself.)

The Matsushiro Testing Facility exploded in a pillar of fire and burst of light. Over the roaring flames, the louder roar of an EVA could be heard.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Toji sat in the plug chair. His field of vision had returned to normal a little while ago. Almost normal. While he no longer saw the engulfing blackness he had before, he still could not see any images from outside the EVA. All he saw was the interior of the plug around him, as well as the plug's other occupant.

The being that he had spoken with was lying against him, her arms around his shoulders. They both sat back in the reclined chair. The being had retained the appearance of Hikari, with her hair down. As much as he was willing to admit that the idea of Hikari being close to him didn't bother him, he wasn't so sure about the EVA's projection of itself.

He wasn't an idiot. He knew that Hikari liked him. He had tried to act like he didn't know because he didn't feel he would be right for her. She was the class representative, her whole job was about putting things in order and getting people to get along. The only thing he ever did was mess up the classroom and occasionally punch someone out. It couldn't possibly work.

But nonetheless, he had let himself get pulled in - let himself start feeling the same way towards her. No one else had ever bothered, his nickname amongst the girls at school was "Ape" - not the most attractive moniker. But she seemed to know that he wasn't as he seemed.

His thoughts ended as the being stirred.

Girl: Something bothers you?

Toji: Yeah, nothing important.

Girl: You don't think you can hide it, do you? How is it that you think I came to choose this form?

Toji: Err... Hey!

Girl: As long as you are here, we are one in mind.

Toji: So why can't I look through your head?

Girl: Because there is nothing there but you.

Toji: Huh?

Girl: Before you came, I was nothing, because I had nothing other than myself. But now I have an Other, and my only thoughts are of you, because there is nothing else to think of.

Toji: So is there nothing more to piloting than this? I got the impression it was painful.

Girl: Things are only painful if you resist. If you give in, you won't hurt anymore.

Toji: Well, I don't know about that...

Girl: Why not?

Toji: Why give in? Why not just change it?

Girl: I was once going to give in to the despair that filled me - the sorrow that made my soul. But I don't have to anymore. Soon there won't be anymore loneliness.

Toji: What?

Girl: Soon we will reach where we are going. Then I will show you.

Toji: What a minute! We're moving? When did this start?

Girl: I don't know. In the past? Time doesn't matter to me.

Toji: But I was just supposed to see if I could connect with you. We're not supposed to be up and around.

Girl: They know that you are in control, so they won't worry. They chose you didn't they?

Toji: But I'm not in charge. You're the one that seems to be doing stuff. Hey-- what?

(The LCL sloshed around as if the plug had just been jerked around. Toji had felt a slight jolt just before this. The back plate of Unit 03's armor landed several hundred feet away, propelled by the emergency blowout ejection charges. But the plug stayed firmly in place, held in by the Angel's body. The girl had sat up, the expression on her face becoming one of anger and fear.)

Girl: They're here.

Toji: Who?

Girl: The enemy.

Toji: Angels? Where? Let me see so we can fight.

Girl: No. Not what you call Angel. What you call EVA.

Toji: What?

Girl: They've come to take you. And to kill me.

Toji What!?

Girl: They'll kill us both if I don't fight back.

Toji: Let me see!

(The girl shifted to the side so Toji could see the images that had formed on the plug walls. At the feet of Unit 03 lay a prone Unit 02. There was a visible dent in its face armor, as well as several others on the red EVA's chest armor. The back plate had been popped and the plug ejected. Unit 03 began moving again.)

Toji: What the hell is going on!?

Girl: We have to hurry, otherwise they might stop us.

(Horror filled Toji as he realized his mistake.)

Toji: You're not the EVA!

Girl: You Lillim are so gullible. But I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to grant your wish.

Toji: What are you talking about?

Girl: There is a way to make the Angels stop attacking. A way to get rid of all this pain in our world. A way that can solve all problems if you will let me continue.

Toji: You did that to Asuka! What are you?

Girl: I am I. This being that is, is me. I am unlike any other, but you Lillim still classify me amongst the Angels.

(Realizing the full extent of his mistake, Toji sat bolt upright in the chair. He grabbed the girl's arms and pinned them to her side. He gritted his teeth and stared hatefully at the being. His words were filled with rage.)

Toji: I'll kill you!

Girl: You can't kill me this way. Besides, why kill me?

Toji: You hurt my sister! You're trying to kill us all!

Girl: I never hurt anyone. You just see in me a target to attack, since you can't avenge yourself on anything else for what has happened. But you know I'm not to blame in her injury.

Toji: You're still trying to kill us!

Girl: I don't want to kill anyone. I just want to grant your wish.

Toji: What wish? That the Angels are dead? Fine then! Die!

(Although he shouted the words with full sincerity, he did nothing to attack the girl. The image of Hikari remained clamped in his grip.)

Girl: The only person trying to kill anyone is them! And they want to kill me so bad that they're willing to kill you too! Look!

(The image on the plug wall shifts to display Unit 00, hidden in a bend in the mountain. The EVA was behind Toji's and was aiming its sniper rifle directly at him. The angle of trajectory would be such that the round would pierce the entry plug. Toji froze at seeing this.)

Girl: See! They're the ones that don't really care! They're the ones that are willing to let you die just to meet their own ends. But I'm not going to kill anyone if I can help it. All I want is the Promise!

Toji: What promise?

Girl: The Promise that all of this will pass away if I return to the source.

Toji: Source?

Girl: Where all life comes from - the Mother of All. Lillith.

Toji: Your lying. You're making this stuff up. They told me when they chose me that you Angels want to join with Adam and kill us all! I won't let you! I don't care if I die!

(Rei, who had been unable to bring herself to pull the trigger, was taken aback as the rogue Unit suddenly began contorting.)

Girl: But I care if you die! You can't comprehend our loneliness. Our Father made us to stand on our own, but it's too painful! I don't want to be alone! I don't want to be alone! If you die, I will be alone again. And then nothing will stop them from killing me too.

Toji: I don't care about you! I don't care if you die! I want you to die!

The girl's eyes tear up again. Her head bowed, avoiding returning Toji's gaze. Struck by her reaction, he released his grip on her. At the same moment Rei fired the rifle at the Unit's leg, hoping to incapacitate it. Released from Toji's restraint, the Angel willed the EVA into the air - the rifle round passing underneath within meters. The black Unit crashed on top of the blue and they both fell to the ground. Holding down Unit 00, Unit 03 began to seep a pink liquid into the prone EVA.

Toji: What are you doing?

Girl (resigned): I'm leaving. You want me to die - I can accept that. But you don't want me to die with you. You... if I can't be yours... I want nothing else!

(Bardiel's attempt to transfer to Unit 00 came to an abrupt end as the EVA's arm was blown off at the shoulder. The black EVA hopped backwards away from the explosion. After considering for a brief moment, it continued on its way. Inside the plug, the image of the Angel had become deathly pale.)

Girl: I could not... I'm losing control. I can't feel anymore.

(Toji stared at her, unsure of what to do. They locked gazes.)

Girl: Give me something, some of your strength. It may still be possible...

Before Toji could answer, he felt as if his mind had been pried open. Countless thoughts spilled out, one after another. Visions of his father and grandfather. Seeing his sister in the hospital. Trying to shift through the rubble of their house to find her during the battle. Seeing the fight between Unit 01 and the Third Angel. The flood of consciousness stopped. It reversed and played back the last scene. The image of Unit 01 flipping through the air and landing on top of the Angel. The scene played again. And again. And again. The Angel spoke once more.

Girl: This is the feeling you have given me. This piece of your heart you have shared.

Toji: No!

(Unit 03 launched into the air, copying the acrobatic stunt perfectly. It collided with Unit 01, knocking away the pallet gun and felling the EVA.)

Toji: Stop!

Girl: This is what is in your heart. This is what is in your mind. It is there, even if you fight.

Toji: No!

(Unit 01 rose to its feet. Toji had closed his eyes, trying to fight the feeling that he had kept hidden - his hatred because of his sister's injuries, the hatred he thought he had escaped.)

Toji: No! No! NO!

Voice: Yes.

(Toji's eyes snapped open. Floating before him in the LCL was Shinji.)

Shinji: Don't blame me because you ignored the alarms. Don't blame me.

Toji: Shut up! If you had fought well at all, she wouldn't have been hurt, even if it wasn't you who did it.

Shinji: Quit blaming me. You were the one who ignored the alarms. You were the one who put her in danger. You were the one responsible.

(The image that had been playing through Toji's mind acted itself out as he thrust his right arm out, grabbing Shinji around the neck. At the same time, Unit 03 threw out its right arm, stretching it grotesquely, and grabbing Unit 01 around the neck.)

Toji: Shut up!

(Toji's left arm followed the right's example. Unit 03 now had Unit 01's neck in a double vise grip.)

Toji: Shut up!

(Toji lunged forward, slamming Shinji's body against the far side of the plug. Unit 01 was crushed into the hillside as Unit 03 continued to press its attack relentlessly.)

Toji: DIE! Die and leave me alone!

The image of Shinji smiled despite the crushing force Toji was exerting. The Angel felt it was going to be able to win after all. That was, until Toji saw what he was doing. Over Shinji's shoulder, Toji could see the image of his EVA's hands closed around the neck of a prone and unresisting Unit 01. Just as his grip slackened, the EVA jumped to life. Its eyes glowed an unholy red, and its arms shot forward, returning the choke hold that it had been subjected to.

Shinji: Fight back!

Toji: No!

Shinji: Fight or you'll die!

Toji: No! I can't kill him!

(Unable to use its current ploy any longer, the Angel changed into a mirror image of Toji. Its hands gripped around Toji's neck, tightening painfully.)

Angel: Fight!

Toji: No!

Angel: Fight!

Toji: No!

Angel: Fight!

Toji: I quit!

(Toji released his grasp. Outside, Unit 03's grip lessened considerably. The Angel continued its hold.)

Angel: If you don't help me, we'll both die!

Toji (calmly): Shinji won't kill me. I know he won't.

Angel: I can still fight without you helping.

Toji: But you can't win.

(The Angel seemed to pause for a moment, but it was not because of Toji's words. It had felt Unit 01's grip tightening with each passing second. The Angel released Toji.)

Angel: Fine. If you're not going to fight, at least let me try to save you.

Toji: I don't need you to---

(Toji's words were cut off as the sympathetic reaction to his EVA finally caught up with him. The muscles in his neck visibly tightened, choking him off.)

Angel: He won't kill you? I wouldn't be so sure.

Still unable to respond, all Toji could do was gurgle unintelligibly. The Angel looked at the boy in fear. Concentrating, it wrestled control of the EVA from him, cutting off the nerve connections and rerouting them to itself a split-second before Unit 03's neck snapped. The sympathetic reaction caused the Angel to jerk painfully. Toji looked in terror at the image of himself as he died. Realizing what had happened, he muttered softly to himself.

Toji: Alright Shinji, it's over. We've won.

(But it didn't stop. Toji felt a sudden vertigo as Unit 03 was lifted into the air and slammed harshly into the ground. The external action had caused the Angel to drift back into him, its appearance once again an image of Hikari.)

Toji: What's happening?

Angel: I'm dying. If I hadn't taken over, it would be you.

Toji: Why doesn't he stop?

Angel: He won't stop. Not until I'm gone completely. But I'm afraid I can't protect you from that.

Toji: What?

(Before it could respond, the Angel screamed in pain. Outside, Unit 01 withdrew a bloodied fist from what remained of Unit 03's head. The Angel's head fell weakly against Toji's chest.)

Toji: What is it? What do you mean?

(Again the Angel shrieked, its arm jerking in response to the dismemberment of Unit 03's arm. The Angel began to whimper as the plug rocked from the body blows Unit 01 was delivering.)

Angel: I'm sorry... I was selfish.... but I was so lonely....

Toji: I don't understand any of this.

Angel: My only hope is that it is not painful for you.

Toji: What?

Angel: Death.

Toji: What!?

Angel: It won't stop until it has destroyed me completely. To do that it will have to destroy this plug and everything in it. That includes you. I'm sorry.

Toji: But... but... HE CAN'T DO THAT!!

The Angel whimpered again, its grip on his shoulders tightened. Toji felt everything shift inside the plug as Unit 01 lifted it into the air, freed from the wrecked body of what used to be Unit 03. The Angel raised its head to look him in the eyes. Unable to keep its false appearance, it began to look more and more like Rei than Hikari. The hair remained the same, but tinged blue. The eyes looked no different, but deepened to crimson. The skin paled.

Angel: It's almost over. I'm sorry I lied to you. I just wanted to be with someone. I hated being alone. I hated being this thing that I am. I would have done anything to have the Promise. But I must content myself with this.

Before Toji could react, the Angel leaned forward and kissed him. The surface of the lips were cold and quivered with fear, but the mouth itself was warm. The being broke the kiss and pushed itself as far away from Toji as possible - to the opposite side of the plug. Toji tried to reach out to it, but it pushed him back as purple, claw-like fingers invaded into the plug, crushing them both.

Toji awakened to severe pains on his left side. His head throbbed with an unbelievable ache. Coming to his senses, he tried to sit up, only to be greeted by a powerful wave of pain-induced nausea. Light filtered into the plug from the large holes in it. The light was obviously artificial. From outside the plug, he could hear voices.

"Get the evac set up! We'll need to transport him immediately!"

"Command just called, they've opened one of the EVA elevator shafts for direct helicopter access into the Geofront."

"Alright! Double check your safety gear! We don't know how the Angel's infection may have altered the structure - it could be toxic."

Toji suddenly recollected his mind when he heard the last shout. He propped himself up with his right arm as his left was too injured to use. He scanned the interior of the plug, trying to locate the Angel. The light made the LCL visible. The normally yellow liquid was dyed red from blood. It took a moment for him to realize that it was his. It took him another couple of moments to realize that the Angel was no where within the plug.

Toji's scattered thoughts did not allow for him to realize the entry plug had just been opened and that he was being hauled out by the rescue crew. One thought did come to him though - one that let him know that it had not been a dream. It was the Angel's last words, words that he had not heard but felt.

Author's notes:

Written in one setting. There were a couple of points that I had wanted to make that I didn't get around to doing. Like always, the story began to write itself after a certain point. The whole thing with the Angel being lonely was something that my imagination has played upon after seeing EoE (Misato's line about how the Angels reject one another and have lonely, painful existences). This also kind of explains (for me) why Toji was admitted to Shinji's train of thought while they were in the hospital together. It seems that only pilots who have had mental contact with an Angel see these sorts of things. The title, of course, had multiple meanings. I have an explanation for the physical body that appeared inside the plug with Toji as well. Unit 01 didn't stop attacking Unit 03 until the Angel was destroyed, which ended in the entry plug being crushed. The Angel's infection bio-fusion had apparently attached itself to the plug, so that was the last thing to be destroyed. All physical bodies in the EVA universe are a result of the combination of an AT Field and a quantity of LCL. Since Unit 03 never produced an outward AT Field, one could say that it had been using it elsewhere at the time. For this story's purposes, assume that the AT Field had been turned inwards to create the Angel's proxy body. One point that someone could object to is the Angel's knowledge of Lillith, whereas Kaoru didn't figure it out until it almost bit him in the ass. The Angels seem to have this need to connect or fuse with something else. The ultimate goal is Lillith, but it seems that they will attempt it with other beings as well - which is one of the center points that this story rests on. Also keep in mind that Kaoru was not a pure Angel, he had been created artificially like Rei had been. He was also the only Angel that could be deceived by humans since he was the same as them physically (and in some ways, I would assume, mentally). Of course, I'm not going to try to rationalize everything away. Some stuff I do is simply done for effect and plot, and only has minor connection with the original.

This story is something of a sequel to Reasons and was the original work I had in mind when I wrote that one. They can be read as separate stories, but they also make some sense as being a two parts of one story.

Back to Rei's Reading Space