Answering machine

 Messages left on a answering machine:

 1.      "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
        you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you
        as soon as we're finished".

 2.      "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up
        the phone now because we're doing something we really
        enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
        left to right...real slowly. So leave a message and when
        we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you".

 3.      "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
        why we're not here. So leave a message".

 4.      "Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I already
       sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
       If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
       enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.
       If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money".

 5.      "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
        remain silent.   Everything you say will be recorded and
        used by us".

 6.      "Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
         like. Leave me a mesage, and if I don't call back, it's
         you".

 7.      "Hi. Now you say something".

 8.      "Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"

 9.      "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is the
         Refrigerator.    Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
         your message to myself with one of these magnets".

 10.    Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
       receiving messages. My owners do not need tiles, windows
       or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to
       charities through the office and don't need their picture
       taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
       and they will get back to you".

 11.     "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
         thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
         name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can
         reach you and I'll think about returning your call".

 12.     (In a bored voice) "Heaven, God speaking..."

 13.     "Greetings, you have reached the 6th Sense Detective
        Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at
        the sound of the tone, please hang up".

 14.     "Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
         right now. Leave a message and wait by your phone until I
         call you back".

 15.     "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
        our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
        Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to
        leave us a message".

 16.     "This is the Devil. Who in Hell do you want?"