Jokes
When the Pope landed in Baltimore to visit, he said to
his chief of security: "You know, every time I go
someplace, I'm always driven by somebody. Just once I
would like to drive myself. This time I want to drive
the limo, instead of sitting in the back."
His guards reluctantly agreed, and the Pope drove the
limo. Once on the highway he drove a little too fast, and
was pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walked up the window and asked for driver's
license and registration. The trooper took the
information and went back to his car. He radioed his
supervisor. He said "Sergeant, I have pulled over
somebody really important, and I don't know what to do."
His sergeant said "Who is it? Is it the Mayor of
Baltimore?"
"No, he's more important than the mayor."
"Did you pull over the Senator?"
"No, this person is more important than the senator"
"You didn't pull over the President did you?"
"I don't know who he is, but he must be r-e-a-l-l-y
important because the Pope is his driver."
kwt
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{@-@} A Sunny Side of Life
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kwt
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{@-@} Humor_Menu
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kwt
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Spice of Life {@-@}
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A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in
his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he
knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation
department, the health department, and several other
agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and
asked what should be done. The mayor must have been having
a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman.
It's your job to bury the dead."
"Yes," the pastor smiled and said, "But I thought I should
at least notify the next-of-kin.
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An ounce of action,
is worth a ton of theory.
- Friedrich Engels -
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Even if you're on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Will Rogers -
----------
A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flagpole for evidence
to support a lawsuit.
So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. They're
falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measure -- the whole thing is
just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over,
pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end
to end, gives the measurement to one of the attorneys and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height, and he
gives us the length."
----------
Story of 5 colors
Ah beng goes to an interview.When asked to come up a story with 5
colors;GREEN,PINK,YELLOW,BLUE and PURPLE, he thinks for a while and he
goes.......
Ok,ok... one day, the phone"GREEN" "GREEN", I "PINK" up the phone and
say,"YELLOW? YELLOW?" Then, I hear no answer.So , I ask again,"BLUE is
it,huh?" still, no answer. Then I angry already and I say,"You
don't"PURPLELY" call & keep quiet ,ok?"
****************************************
In Genting Highlands, a country bumpkin walks up to a Coke vending
machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The bumpkin looks
amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and
starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine
keeps popping out the drinks.
Another person walks up behind the bumpkin and watches his antics
for a few minutes before stopping him and asking if someone else
could have a go. The bumpkin spins around and shouts in his
face:
"Get your own machine, can't you see I'm winning?"
******************************************
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, John
went swimming and got into difficulties. David jumped in and saved
him.
The medical director came to know of this heroic act.
Doctor : "We have good news for you and also bad news for you, David.
The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have
regained your senses since you are able to jump and save another
patient. The bad news is the patient whom you had saved was
found hanging in the toilet."
David : "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I'm sure of that because I
hang him there to dry."
*********************************
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm
Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was
enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another
week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his
barchelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me.
Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving
tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
***********************
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than
expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is
understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to
drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and
they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's
coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
*****************************
Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9
holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a bet. "Let's say we bet
$50."
Amanpreet agrees and they're off.
They do a great game. After the 8th hold, Amanpreet is ahead
by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help
me find my ball. Look over there," he said to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball
carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet pulls a ball from his
pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!!!" he
announces.
Jon looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners
and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"
"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"
"And you're a liar, too!" Jon said. "I have you know I've been
STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"
*********************************
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the
ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll
have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he
volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did
you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did
you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died
and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues,
"when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's
widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
****************************
THE ULTIMATE COMPUTER:-
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer
Company's production line. At which point the guided tour
eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his
prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an
intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and
spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father"? he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights
that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a
little card popped out.On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".
Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question!! The salesman, carefully
chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was
unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care
to rephrase his question and try again? Clever Dick thought, went to
the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's
husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And
again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead.
But your father is still fishing off Florida."
********************************
"HOUSE FIRE":-
A blonde's house is on fire so she runs outside to use a payphone
to call for help. She gets the 911 operator,and gets transferred to
the firehouse.
"Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire you have to help me!" The Fireman
replies, "Yes, yes Miss, how do I get to your house?" The blonde
pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire."
Realizing he is now talking to a blonde, the fireman comes back with
"No Miss, how would you like me to get to your house?", to which
the blonde replies,
"Duh, big red truck."
*********************************
STUCK ON YOU:-
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The
salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said "yes".
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered, and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "yes."
The salesman said, "well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "no, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "no." The salesman asked why.
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the vaseline
I gave him some super glue."
**********************
A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy
next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and
starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead
mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
*****************
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the
seven dwarfs that she was going to bed.
After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on
each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.
Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only
one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other
dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her
blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse,"
"she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off,"
"taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was
followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt,"
"she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off,"
"taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her
bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down
the dwarf tower.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw
someone coming through the woods so he yelled,
"Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf
was heard,
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
***************
A really buff weightlifter was once admiring himself in front of
the mirror one day as weightlifters usually do, and he noticed
that he had a great tan all over his body except for his manhood,
which was white as snow. He decides that he wants to be tan all
over and decides to head down tot he nude beach where he can
tan himself out. the weightlifter did not want his tan mismatched
so he buried his whole body in the sand with only his manhood
sticking out.
Awhile later, a little old woman is walking by with her friend
and noticed the upright organ protruding from the ground.
She turns to her friend and says, " You know, when I was 20
years old I was curious about those things.
When I was 30 i was enjoying it, when i was 40 i was asking for
it, and when i was 50 I was paying for it."
"When I was 60 I was begging for it, and when i was 70 i just
forgot about it."
" And now that I'm 80, the darn things are growing wild and I'm
too old to squat down"
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