How to Tell a Man from a Woman

 Maturity:

 Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are till trading baseball 
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why 
high school romances rarely work out.

 Handwriting:

 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they 
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large 
loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a 
woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at 
the end of the note.

 Bathrooms:

 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The 
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 
would not be able to identify most of these items.

 Restrooms:

 Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms
as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each 
other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from
a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. 
Do you want to join me

 Cats:
 
 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.

 Offspring:

 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite 
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of 
some short people living in the house.

 Sex:

 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

 Dressing Up:

 A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the 
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for: weddings and funerals.

 Laundry:

 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants, before he will do his
laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt
inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the 
Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat.

 This is a myth perpetuated by the Dirty Old Man Aaron Spelling in all his
soap operas.

 Weddings:

 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk
about "the bachelor party."

 Menopause:

 When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and
leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

 The Telephone:

 Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people.

 A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same frind and they will talk for three hours.

 Richard Gere:

 Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
health club and dates only married women.

 Madonna:

 Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

 Plants:

 A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

 Cameras:

 Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of
the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women
purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better
pictures. [Alex Krycek says: Should I rephrase that to "End up better in
pictures]
 
 Locker Rooms:

 In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly 
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical,
and they never lie.

 Garages:

 Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch
TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

 Movies:
 
 Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.

 Time:

 When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just
got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials,
replays or foreplays.

 Conversation:

 Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.",
"What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well,
maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women,
not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by 
saying something agreeable: 
"That garden by the roadside looks lovely."
 "Mm hmm." Pause. "that was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

 Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night 
out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 
"Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?

 THE END