More Jokes

 Johnny:  I know an author who took ten years to finish a book.
 Steven : That's nothing.  I know a prisoner who took twenty years
          to finish a sentence!

 Wife: You tell a man something: It goes in one ear and comes out
       of the other.
 Husband: You tell a woman something: it goes in both ears and
          comes out of the mouth.

 Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.
       What do you think, Peter?
 Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

 Mom: Billy, your father's having very important guest over for
      lunch today. Why don't you clean yourself and make yourself
      presentable?
 Billy: Why should I, mom?  They're not going to eat me, are they?

 Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably
      seated.
 Lily: So what do you do?
 Sam: I close my eyes.

 Teacher: Have you given the goldfish,  fresh water?
 Pupil: No, Sir.  They haven't finished the water I gave them last
        week.

 Man: You remind me of the sea.
 Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
 Man: NO, because you make me sick.

 Man: I'm new around here.  Will you please direct me to the bank?
 Little boy: I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
 Man: Why should I pay you so much?
 Little boy: Because bank directors are always highly paid.

 Father Kangaroo: Where's our baby?
 Mother Kangaroo: Oh no, I've had my pocket picked.

 Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
 Father: No. Why do you ask that?
 Son : Well, where did you get mummy

 Ted : I can call, "Rover! Rover!" all day long and my dog won't
       come!
 Ned : How come?
 Ted : Because my dog's name's Lucky.

 The telephone buzzed and Mother called John to answer it...
 Mother: John, who's calling?
 John : The holes are too small Mother, I can't see.

 Teacher: John, did your sister help you with your homework?
 John: No, Miss. She did it all.

 Teacher: Sam, who first invented underground tunnels?
 Sam: Worms, Sir?

 Tara: I think our school is haunted.
 Mara: Why do you say that?
 Tara: Because the principal is always going on and on about the
       school spirit.

 A man wanted to buy a present for his mother, so he went into
 a pet shop and paid a hundred bucks for a mynah bird. It was a
 very special bird, which could speak six languages and recite the
 alphabet backwards. He had the bird sent round to his mother,
 and later on he rang her up to ask her: "How did you like
 the bird?"
 "Fine," replied his mother. "It was delicious!"
                               ---------

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State
Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.  He thinks
to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front and
three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don`t
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the
problem?"

"Ma`am,"  The officer replies, "you weren`t speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?  No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour"  the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma`am", the officer says, "I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken and
they haven`t muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they`ll be all right in a minute, officer.  We just got off Route
119."
*******

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their
adventures at sea. Noting the pirate`s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch.
The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and
a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin` me out, a
school of sharks appeared and one of `em bit me leg off".

"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?  "Ahhhh...", mused
the pirate, "We were boardin` a trader ship, pistols blastin` and
swords swingin` this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped
off."

"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?  "A
seagull droppin` fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost
your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
*********

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. 
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said: "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely 
die:

1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a 
week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor 
said to her. "You're going to die" she replied.
~~~~~
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A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter 
asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know 
what was available..

Lady - "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all 
slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...
they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have 
our ex-teachers....they..."

Man - "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"

Lady- "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer 
ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses..."

Man- "It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a thing 
over and over again... until you're perfect at it !!"

*****************
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an 
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one 
contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is 
that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed 
to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
*****

Oh yeah, another from the category of "I'm gonna hear about 
this one . . ."

Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room 
doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and 
I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost 
all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator 
the rest of her life."

Hiram says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
*****

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my 
mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, 

"I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every 
day for twenty years!"
*****

It was a mid-July day in Peoria, Illinois, and Johnny's mother 
had invited several of her friends over for dinner. Just before 
time to eat, she took Johnny aside and told him to say the 
blessing. 

"But what'll I say, Mom?"

"Before we eat, you say what you've heard me say many 
times." 

The boy stood with the other folks around the table and when 
his mother nodded to him, he said, "Good Lord... Oh Good 
Lord... why did I invite these people on a hot day like this?"

                               ---------

A truck driver was driving downhill pretty fast, he saw a couple making love
in the middle of the road. 
He honked really loud but nothing could stir their heaty lovemaking session.

He braked just inches away from the couple. He got down angrily and shouted
at the couple, 
"Didn't you both hear my truck?" 
The guy replied finally after jerking off," You see, I was coming and she
was coming, then you 
were coming, but you're the only one who had brakes." 
**************
  
Jesus' Dad 

Jesus decided to go say hi to his old buddy St. Peter, so he strolled out to
the Pearly Gates and noticed a HUGE long line of people waiting to get in. 

St. Peter saw Jesus coming and said "Oh, thank goodness someone showed up!
Listen, Jesus, 
there's a huge line of people out here, and I'm going bats trying to keep
them all sorted out. 
Could you take over for a few minutes so I can take a break? I'd be ever so
grateful!" 

Jesus said that sure, it'd be fine with him to be in charge for a while, but
he really wasn't sure what kind of stuff he should check for. 
St. Peter told him, "Hey, it's easy. A lot of them 
are already written down on the invitation list. Just make small talk with
them while you look for their names. If they're not on the list, 
just tell them you're not the one normally in charge, so if they wait 
a bit, I'll deal with them when I get back." 

So St. Peter left for a while, and Jesus handled the line of people, looking
up their names and generally yakking it up with the folks 
waiting to get in. Eventually the line got to this one little old man.
Jesus started talking to him, "So, what did you do for a living 
when you were alive?" 

"I was a carpenter," the old man replied. 

Jesus's ears pricked up at that answer. "Ah," He said. "Did you have a wife
or any children?" 

"I had one son, but I lost him." 

Jesus started to suspect something was up with this little old man, and
decided to ask another question. 
"Ah, a terrible loss, my good man. Tell me, what did he look like?" 

"Well," said the old man, "he looked just like any other boy, I guess,
except he had holes in his hands and his feet." 

Jesus grinned broadly, opened His arms wide and cried, "DAD!" 

The old man gasped. "PINOCCHIO!" 
                              ---------

 No Free Rides

 A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance
 from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads
 some distance from town.

 As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped
 the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this
 earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20
 for sex."

 The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with
 their business.

 After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat
 back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

 "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

 "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm
 actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

                              ---------

 Boy: My father got me a turtle instead of a dog, and I hate it.
 Girl: Why?
 Boy: Do you know how long it takes me to walk my pet everyday?
 '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

 Tim: What do you do for a living?
 Jim: I work with figures
 Tim: Accountant?
 Jim: No. Fitness instructor.
 ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

 Employer: I'll pay you $8 an hour now and raise to $10 an hour in
 three months.  Now when would you like to start?
 Employee: Three months from now.
 '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

 Husband: Great news, darling.  I've finally saved enough money for us
 to go to Paris this year.
 Wife: How wonderful! When are we leaving?
 Husband: As soon as I've saved enough money for the return trip.
 '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

 Al: Hey, Cal! What are you doing?
 Cal: I'm writing a letter to myself.
 Al: Well, what does it say?
 Cal: How should I know?  I haven't read it yet.
 '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

 "I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy
 husband who refused to find  a job. "My father pays our rent.
 My mother buys all of our food.  My sister buys our clothes. 
 My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
 The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he
 agreed.
 "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

                               ---------

There was a chicken farmer who only had one old cock in the henhouse.
Needless to say, he wasn't up to much. The farmer brought a new cock,
and put him in the henhouse. The old rooster saw the new rooster and
decided he'd better do something.

He walked up to the new cock, and said, "you think you're pretty top
shit, don't you?"
The new cock said "I know I'm top shit." The old cock challenged him to
a race around the hen-house, 10 laps. Whoever won, will get to lay 
all the hens. The new cock thinks this is too easy and so 
says, "I'll even give you a head start."

Bang, off they went, with the old cock 1 lap ahead of the new cock. The
hens are going wild, cuckooing and squawking, (they all wanted a 
good root for once.)
The new cock was beginning to gain, and the noise got louder.

Just as the new cock was about a foot away from beating the old rooster,

the farmer ran in, because of the noise. He saw the new cock running
after the old cock. He had a gun, and promptly shot the new cock.

"Damn" he says, "that's the third gay cock I bought this month."

*********

 One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother
 do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
 She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands
 of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
 "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"

 Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
 wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns
 white."

 The little girl thought about this revelation for a while,
 and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are
 white?"

 =====

 A reader sends:

 My wife uses fabric softener.
 I never knew what that stuff was for.

 Then I noticed women were coming up to me,
 they'd sniff, exclaim, "Married!", and walk off.

 So, gents, that's how they mark their territory!
 You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that
 "April fresh scent" out of your clothes.

 =======

 A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
 and asked what his future holds.

 His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
 "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
 who will want to know everything about you."

 The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

 "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

 "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

 =====

 Going to get help
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered
 and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
 "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
 Other passengers left their seats and came running over;
 suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast
 as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

 The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses
 couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
 confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone 
 that there was nothing to worry about.
 His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel
 better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of
 the aircraft.
 There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats
 and began handing them to the flight attendants.
 Each crew member attached one of the packages to their backs.

 "Say," an alert passenger spoke up, "aren't those
 parachutes?"

 The pilot said they were.

 The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was
 nothing to worry about?"

 "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
 "We're going to get help."

 =====

 Harry said once when he was driving in California with Judi,
 they passed where there are hundreds of windmills
 on the mountainside, generating power.
 Judi asked what they were.

 Harry jokingly said they were there to keep the cows cool.
 She thought for a minute and replied,
 "Oh, yeah, I guess it keeps the milk from going sour!"

 =====

 A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las
 Vegas. She's down to her last $50.
 Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck!
 What in the world should I do now?"
 A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down,
 suggests, "I don't know...  Why don't you play your age?"

 He walks away.  Moments later, his attention
 is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table.
 Maybe, she won!

 He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the
 crowd.
 The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator
 kneeling over her.

 The man is stunned.  He asks, "What happened? Is she all
 right?"

 The operator replies, "I don't know.  She put all her money
 on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"