Jokes For Guys R(A)
  A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a
doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. 
The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll
have to amputate." "No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and
thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."
 
  So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese herbalist. The
herbalist takes a look.
 
  The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to
amputate."
 
  Chinese herbalist said, "Oh no. No need amputate. Two - three days -
fall off all by itself!"
 


==========================================================================
 
  A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to
visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to
get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really
big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big
tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. 

  Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, 
"Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, 
really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."
 


===========================================================================
 
  There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready
for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on to read a book. As he was
reading,he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling
with her pussy.

  He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back
to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping off in front of 
him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all 
your gear off?"

  The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was
foreplay for something a bit heavier".

  The husband said, "No,  not at all." The wife then asked," Well,
what were you doing then?"
  
  "Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the
pages in my book!"
 


===========================================================================

  James Bond is banged up to the nines in this evening tux at his
favorite casino in Monte Carlo with his martini, shaken-not stirred, 
when he spies a luscious looking blonde across the room. He walks 
over to her and in his inimitable fashion introduces himself, 
"Bond. James Bond".

To which she replies, "Off. Fuck off!"
 


==========================================================================
 
  There was two GAY guys...Brad&Brian
 
  Brad: Hey,are we going out for my birthday?
 
  Brian: I don't feel so good.
 
  Brad: What's wrong?
 
  Brian: I don't know? (bending over) will you check my asshole?
 
  Brad: Sure
 
  Brian: Put your finger in it and see if something is wrong.
 
  Brad: (fingering) I don't feel anything.
 
  Brian: Go deeper.
  
  Brad: Nope..nothing.
 
  Brian: Put your hand in there and feel.
 
  Brad: ( hand in Brian's ass) Nope ...nothing.
 
  Brian: Deeper! Brad: Oh! Wait! I feel something( his hand way up
there) Ugh!Ugh!
 
  Brian: Ohh!!
 
  Brad: I feel it...I got it!!
 
  Brian: What is it?!!!
 
  Brad: (pulling something out) Ugh!! It's a Rolex!!!
 
  Brian: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,..."

----------
Type writer

 Once there was a couple who have a son, 6 years old.  So they
 thought that saying "made love" in front of him will be not good
 and they decided to use a special code for it. They used "Type
 Letter" to replace "made love".

 So one day, Daddy feel the urge to make love, so he asked his
 son to tell Mummy that he needs her to help him "type a letter".

 Son : Mummy Mummy, daddy want u to help him type a letter.
 Mummy: Tell daddy, mummy cannot help him type letter because
 there is presence of some RED INK!!!
 Son: Daddy Daddy, Mummy said she got some RED INK.
 Daddy: Nevermind, son. (disappointed).

 After a few days... Mummy thought of the urge her husband had a
 few days a go, so she call for her son.

 Mummy : Son, go and tell daddy that mummy can help him to type
 the letter now.
 Son: Daddy Daddy, mummy said that she can help you type the
 letter now.
 Daddy : Tell mummy that I don't need the typewriter now as I
 have already wrote the letter by HAND!!!

*******************************
Gay Baby

 Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a 
 child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and
 Psychiatrists the two decide to mix their sperm and implant it into a 
 willing surrogate mother. Soon they learned that the procedure had 
 worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the 
 usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for....their 
 baby was born! So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one.
 
 Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn
 girls in a row...all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. 
 Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling 
 and looking at them with great joy...this little baby had to be theirs. 
 Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the 
 peaceful little boy was their son.They started congratulating each 
 other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly 
 happy, well behaved son.
 
 The nurse, hearing this, said "He may look happy now, but you should
 see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!"

----------
 The Wedding Night
An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her
new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night
they should have separate suites.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the
knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for
action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon
he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the 
night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the
old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she
consents to further coupling which is again successful after
which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close
to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the
door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in
afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed
that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times.
I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for
one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says,
"Was I already here?"




_____________________________________________________________

 A Panda Date
"A panda (yes, the animal with dark eyes) meets this gorgeous
babe and decides to woo her. Manages somehow to get her number and
arranges for a date. On the evening of the date, he picks her up
and takes her to a really nice restaurant. There they have a
wonderful dinner, champagne, candlelight ... well the works.

The babe is suitably charmed and after dinner, they proceed to
her place. Before long, as things would have it, they re having
this delicious romp in bed. But as soon as it s over, the panda
gets off the bed, brushes his fur in the mirror and makes for the
door.

The rather distressed babe cries out at this point "Hey, this is
not happening! You can t just take me out for dinner, bring me
home, make love to me and just leave like that!"

The panda turns around, with a puzzled look on his face. He
looks around the room and sees what he s looking for. He walks
over to the bookshelf, picks up the dictionary and looks for the
correct page and word. He finds it, walks over to the babe and
points impatiently at the word.

Thru tear-laden eyes, the babe reads : "Panda : an animal that
eats shoots and leaves".




_____________________________________________________________

3. Make A Wish
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, 'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again
the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a software engineer, I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

_____________________________________________________________

 The Sperm Bank
A bloke walks into a bank with a balaclava over his head and a gun in
hand. He walks of to the lady out the counter and orders her to open the
safe. 
"Ah. But sir this is a sperm bank!"
"I know that. Just open the fucking safe."
"Okay. Okay."

The young lady proceeds to open the safe and asks,
"Now what sir ?"
"Grab three tubes."
"Okay."
"Bring them over here!"


So the lady retrieves three test tubes full of semen and walks back
to the counter.
"Now drink them!"
"What ?"
"Drink them!"
"But..."

Waving the gun in the ladies face, he orders her to drink the semen.
So she uncorks the tubes and proceeds to drink the semen.
"Now swallow"
There's a audible gulp followed by a sigh of "ahhh."
The man removes the balaclava and the lady recognises the man as her
husband.
He looks at her and says, "See wasn't that hard was it!"

_____________________________________________________________


 Prostitutes
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the
priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the
bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in
the cage with Francis and Joe. My parrots can teach your parrots to
praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that
phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may
very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked
over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the
female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to
have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the fucking beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

_____________________________________________________________


 The Boobie Story
First, there were :) smiley emoticons.

Then there were (_)(_) butt emoticons.

Now, there are (.)(.) emoti-boobies!

(.)(.) Boobies

( . )( . ) Bigger Boobies

( O )( O ) Pamela Anderson Lee boobies

(,)(,) Boobies with pierced nipples

. . Very Little Boobies

( * )( * ) Implanted Boobies (very pert)

( ) ( ) Nursing Mom boobies
(.) (.)

(^)(^) Madonna Boobies

-<.><.>- Teeny Bikini Boobies

--(.)(.)-- Regular Bikini Boobies

---( . )-( . )--- Mondo Bikini Boobies

x x No boobies

(/)(/) Feminist Boobies

()() Wonderbra Boobies

( Sorry, no Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee or Bret Michaels Pictures,
 Movies, Mpegs or other things like that...:-))) )

_____________________________________________________________


 Want A Divorce ?
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you??"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on
Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up
or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you
want a divorce?"
The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."

_____________________________________________________________


 The Sex Shop
An elderly woman walks into a sex shop and shakes over to the
counter. She is quite old and seems afflicted with some sort of palsy.

"Do you sell dildos here?" she asked the storekeeper.
"Yes, we do," he replies.
"Big ones?"
"Yes, we do."
"Big black ones," she asks shakily.
"Yes, we sure do."
"With batteries?"
"Yes. We have a wide selection," the storekeeper replies.
"Then how do I get the damn thing out ???"

_____________________________________________________________


 Confucius Say...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Confucius say...
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Confucius say...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Confucius say...
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Confucius say....
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say...
Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling
crazy, feeling nuts.
Confucius say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Confucius say...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius say:
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Confucius say...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Confucius say...
Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.

_____________________________________________________________


 Drunken Man In Church
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to
attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then 
knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to 
speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper
in this one either."

_____________________________________________________________


14. The Pakistani Nike Air.
This married couple is on holiday in Pakistan.
They're touring around the market place looking at the goods and
such, when they pass this small sandal shop.

From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:
" you, foreigners! come in, come into my humble shop. salaam a
 leekem!"
So the married couple walks in.

The Pakistani man says to them" I have some special sandals I think
you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great 
desert camel."

Well, the wife after hearing this is really interested in buying the
sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the
sex god he is.

The husband asks the man," how could sandals make you into a sex
freak?"

The Pakistani man replies" just try them on."
Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes.
The husband tries them on and gets this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife has not seen in many years, raw sexual power.

In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man,
throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guys pants.
All the time the Pakistani man is screaming...
" You've got them on the wrong feet!" 

**********************************************
OH MY GOD!!!
----------------------
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful 
girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," 
he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED 
DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to 
think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I
said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," 
he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough 
and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." 
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there 
on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel...
Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY 
GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she
asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my 
god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY 
GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am 
I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
 
**********************************************************************
Horse race
----------------
Horses in race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

 
At the Post:
And they're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey
Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is 
being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs
and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.

 
At the Halfway Mark:
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. 
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

 
At The Stretch:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a 
final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

 
At The Finish:
Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady 
takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat 
but Big Dick comes through with one final squirt and wins by a 
head. Bare Belly shows. Thighs weakens and Heavy Bosom 
pulls up, Clean Sheets never had a chance.

 
****************************************************************
Hot and Cold
------------------
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical 
examinations on the same day so they could travel together. 
 After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, 
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical 
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
 
"In fact, I do," said the man.  "After I have sex with my wife for 
the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty.  And then, after I 
have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and 
chilly."  
 
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor.  "Let me do some 
research and get back to you."

 
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything 
appears to be fine.  Do you have any medical concerns that 
you would like to discuss  with me?"  
 
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. 
 
The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. 
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the 
first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time.  
Do you know why?"

 
"Oh that old buzzard!"  she replied. "That's because the first 
time is usually in July and the second time is usually in 
December!" 

 
***********************************************************************
The story goes that there was this lady married to a caucasian. 
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow 
managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem 
arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

 
One day, she went to the butcher's and wanted to buy pork 
legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in 
desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher 
got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she 
didn't know what to say, and she unbuttoned her blouse to 
show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She 
brought her husband to the store........................?????? 
(page down)
>
>
>
>
>
so what were U thinking?
She brought her husband along b'cos the guy could speak 
English!

***********************************************************************
Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. 
"How did I get here, Mommy?"

His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."

"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"

"Yes, Johnny, He did."

"And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"

Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny, He did."

Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief.
"Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family 
for 200 years?!?!? No wonder everyone is so cranky!"

***********************************************************************
A small boy accompanied his parents to a nudist colony. They 
all stripped off and went out into the garden. The boy looked 
round with interest and then asked his father why some men 
had big ones and some men had small ones.
 
Dad couldn't be bothered with long explanations so he just 
said "Those with big ones are smart and those with small ones 
are stupid"

 
The boy wandered off on his own for a while and then met his 
father again.

"Have you seen mother?" asked his Dad.

"She's behind that bush over there," said the boy, "talking to a 
stupid man who's getting smarter  by the minute!"

**********************************************************************
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles 
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She 
fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he 
said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

 
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" 
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

 
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs 
are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for 
Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift 
Tiddles up to heaven".

 
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well.  
However, two days later when her father came home from work 
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this 
morning".
 
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the 
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
 
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning 
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she 
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it 
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would 
definitely have gone, Daddy."

************************************************************************
Oh Henry
-------------
A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes 
of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been 
married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage 
finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, 
because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial 
services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into 
her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "You know that mink cape I wanted all my 
life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have 
bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "You know that trip to the Caribbean I 
always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days 
and it was wonderful!"

 
"And Henry," She continued, "You know that big blue Cadillac I 
had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls 
Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

 
"Oh, and Henry," She Said, "You know that blow job you always 
wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the 
sea . . .

 
***********************************************************************
In 1890, a stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading 
for Dallas.

 
In the coach were a Texan, a busty lady and a greenhorn from 
the East.

 
The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward 
and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blowjob."

 
The Texan looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the 
greenhorn between the running lights.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my 
honor!"

 
The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just 
trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for 
two dollars."


***********************************************************************
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four 
years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their 
virginity with each other in 10th grade.  When they graduated, 
they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was 
accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to 
the west coast.  They agreed to be faithful to each other and 
spend anytime they could together.  As time went on, the guy 
would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he 
wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.  Even when 
he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.  Finally, 
she confessed to him she wanted to date around.  He didn't 
take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails 
trying to win back her love.

 
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, 
she wanted to get him off her back.  So, what she did is this: 
she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's 
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note 
reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

 
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more 
so, was pissed.  So, what he did next was awesome.  He wrote 
on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, 
having a great time at college, please send more money!" and 
mailed the picture to HER parents.

 
****************************************************************************
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their 
fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. 
He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there 
before the arrow". 
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a 
hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He 
then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil 
servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

 
***********************************************************************
Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to
Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a 
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses 
through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"

 
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the 
abomination," says the second.
 
She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings 
on and hisses again at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water 
in the Vatican, " says the second.

 
Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on 
and hisses again at the nuns.

 
"Now what?" shouts the first nun.

 
"Show him your cross," says the second.

 
So she winds the window down and shouts: "GET OFF MY 
FUCKING HOOD!!"

 
****************************************************************************
********
Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. 
However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once 
they get to their hotel room.

 
The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice 
on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed 
together and snuggle with each other and things should start to 
happen from there.

The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He 
calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they 
should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and 
nature should takes its course.

The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. 
He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the 
situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have 
and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.

 
A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, 
I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"
 
***********************************************************************
One night little Jonny was lying asleep in his bed and was 
awakened by a noise. He layed there for a second and 
realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up 
and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He 
just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what 
they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, 
"Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they 
were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?" 

The Dad jumped a little, startled, roled over to see his son. 
"Well, Jonny, I'm...um... You know how you were wanting a 
baby brother?" 

"yes..." replied little Jonny in a timid voice. 


"Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mommy for you." 

Jonny smiled and said, "oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe 
and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and
quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his 
wife's arms. 


The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Jonny sitting 
on the grass crying. "Whats wrong???" Daddy asked as he 
picked his son up filled with concern. 

"Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in
Mommy???" 

"yes..." the Dad replied nervously.

"well... well... Today... *sniff*... The mailman came over and he 
ate him!"
 
************************************************************************
This little boy walked in on his mom in the bathroom and noticed 
the hair on her private area. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what 
is that?" She replied, "this is my washcloth." The little boy went 
on his way. One evening the woman and her husband were 
beginning to make love and he asked her to do something 
different and shave her hair off. She agreed. A week or so after 
that the little boy had walked in on his mother again but this 
time she didn't have any hair. So the little boy asked with 
concern,

 
"Mommy, what happen to your "washcloth"?" She replied, "I lost 
it." Later that day the little boy came running up to his mom 
and said, "Mommy, i found your washcloth." She replied 
confused, "where did you find it?" He told her that the lady next 
door was washing Daddy's face with it!
 
************************************************************************
Santa Singh just graduated from Law school and decided to 
apply for a job in the most prestigous "Lee & Lee Law Firm" 
company. 

During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's 
resume,  thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to 
discuss your application with my wife." And went off to discuss 
Santa's application with his wife.

 
Lee KY's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire 
lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, 
we can't hire Santa Singh!" 

 
So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.

 
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company 
and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, 
I have already told you that we only hire.......' when Santa Singh 
interupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my 
name.'
 
Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, "What is 
your new name then?"

 
On this, Santa Singh replied 'Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!' 
(Manga-Li)
 
***********************************************************************
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female 
of somewhat questionable morals who lived in his apartment 
complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up 
on the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.  
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. 
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and 
managed to get a sunburn on his manhood."

But, the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he 
put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

 
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment.  The 
young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which 
they went into the living room to watch a movie.  During the 
movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up 
again.

 
He asked to be excused.  Out of lotion, he went into the kitchen
and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.  He then placed his 
sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate 
relief of his pain.

 
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered 
into the kitchen. Upon seeing him with his member immersed 
in a glass of milk, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you 
guys load those things!"

 
****************************************************************************
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've 
you been?   I haven't seen you around here much."

 
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, 
went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the
United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball 
games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.  How about you?"

 
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, 
church, church, church."

*********************************************************************
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired 
a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities 
while he was gone. A few days later he received this report: 

Most honorable sir:
You leave the house. I watch house. He comes to house. I 
watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on 
train. I follow.  He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in 
window. He kiss she.. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. 
He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of 
tree, not see.

**********************************************************************
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his 
mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the 
housekeeper was.

 
Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there 
was more between John and the housekeeper than met the
eye.   Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship 
with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to  dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose she 
took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter  just to be 
sure."

So he sat down and wrote:"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you
'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying
you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one 
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
 
Several days later, John received a letter back from his 
mother: "Dear Son, I'm not saying  that you 'do' sleep with
your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep
with your housekeeper.   But the fact remains that if you were 
sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy 
ladle by now."
Love, Mom

 
**********************************************************************
Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his
pastor.  As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail 
condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for 
something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and 
Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note.  Then 
he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so 
he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

 
Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the 
eulogy.He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that 
he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol Fred 
handed me a note just before he died.  I haven't read it, but 
knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for 
us all."

 
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my 
oxygen tube!"

 
***********************************************************************
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. 
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office 
alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, 
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your 
husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and 
make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a 
nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for 
him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard 
day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his 
stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your 
husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If 
you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your 
husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. 

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied

***************************************
 Jack and Terry were talking one day in the company lunch room.
 Jack confessed that he had recently been having trouble with women.
 He asked Terry, who always seemed to have a date, what was his secret
 to  finding women willing to go to bed. Terry said the secret was
 poetry.  Jack said that poetry was for faggots. Terry disagreed and
 stressed  how poetry had made him very successful with women.

 Jack: " OK, I'll give it try. What should I say?"

 Terry: "You need to say something about their hair, then
 compare their eyes to some animal, then explain to them the way you
 want to make  love to them."

 Jack: "Give me an example."

 Terry: "Curly blond hair and eyes like a dove.  I want to take
 you home and make sweet love."

 Jack: "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."

 The next day, as Terry walks into the company lunch room, he
 sees Jack. Jack's head is swollen & covered with bruises.

 Terry: "What happened to you?"

 Jack: "I tried your fuckin' poetry, that's what happened!"

 Terry: "What did you say?"

 Jack: "I took your advise, I said something about her hair, then
 compare her eyes to an animal, then explain to her the way I
 wanted to  make love to her."

 Terry: "And it didn't work?"

 Jack: "Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit
 outta  me."

 Terry: "Let's hear your poem."

 Jack: "Nappy haired bitch with eyes like a frog I wanna bend
 you over and fuck you like a dog."