Two Jokes

God's chair

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in  an airplane that crashed.  They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great  white throne.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe  in?" Al replies, "Well, I  believe I won that election, but that it was your  will that I did not serve.  And I've come to understand that now." God thinks  for a second and says  "Okay very good. Come and sit at my left."

 God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill what do you believe in?"

 Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've  sinned, but I've never held a  grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges  are held against me."  God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven,  my son. Come and sit at  my right."

God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary what do you  believe in?"

Hillary responds, "I believe you're in my chair."
 

One day while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water and he needed it to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" Again the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"O Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I than said 'yes,' You would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it