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HASHSHIT HOLDERS - Boltoneon - Mudguard

Statistics: Members 38, New Members 2, Past Member 1, Visitor 1. Total 42.

It was a cool and windy night, the rainy season had started, the rivers were high and the ground had a little more spring in it than we had for some time. We all eagerly looked forward to a great run.

All went exceedingly well for the first 145 yards! Then things started to go wrong and we soon got the feeling that all was not as it should be! A check back on one of the fairways was followed by ten minutes of searching for the trail. When all seemed lost the hares arrived to send us in the right direction. Not a good omen. Down into the valley and across the river, but by this time we were having doubts that we would ever find paper. Runners appeared from several directions, and after crossing the river again another check stalled our progression once more. The near absence of paper was now annoying some of the less tolerant runners. Soon though we could see the railway viaduct in the distance and from past experience this was surely going to be our course. Through the sawah and across the river and we were there. Presumably with a little insider knowledge, Witless had arrived ahead of us and from his vantage-point on the bridge itself he was marshaling those who were arriving on various paperless paths. He spotted paper up the valley and taking his cue we sprinted on, for 300-400 yards, until a check halted our progress yet again. For 15 minutes we swarmed the countryside looking for the trail. At this stage we had no idea whether the run was a righty or lefty. Without paper and only a dubious on-on from the kampung at the head of the valley and to the left, most of us made our way in that direction. Paper was never found again and there was an increasing feeling of being let down, by the hares. Was there ever any paper? Was it all a stupid prank?

As much as I tried it was difficult to raise the moral of the pack. One group led by Col. Bludnut was the first to give up hope and was soon seen drifting off down the road, in the general direction of home. Those of us who searched longest and hardest, eventually accepted defeat and as twilight approached we to gave up and wound our weary way……

Unhappy and bitter at the whole episode most arrived at the beer truck between 6.00 and 6.10 p.m. Of those who were not part of the main pack Angie bounced in a little later and said that he’d been on paper all the time, but of course no one believed him, a little later still The F***** Boys [Wendy and Gladys] arrived to extol the virtues of a great run but later were less than enthusiastic, Vibrator, smiling, arrived not long before 7.00am and simply commented ‘worst run even’.

Muttering and grumbling preceded the circle and the only relief was a master class by Jonesey who was explaining to Stretch how to erect his hash trash display. Once we did start the circle down-downs were soon the order of the day ,visitors, returnees [16], those with unwelcome opinions, European golfer look-alikes, Australians for not having any intelligence to give to the Americans, those putting things into the hash masters mouth, Maandi for something about next week and by association Next Week etc. etc. Announcements were few, although it was noted that the closing date for applications to edit the hash yearbook is fast approaching.

Angie [RA] was in a belligerent mood; possibly because of the fact that he could not stop the rain and also his chances of being elected Hash Cash have departed since his involvement with the discredited auditors of Bank Bali. The icing of yours truly and Maandi for being less than objective with the truth was a clear indication that he was he was under stress. Master raconteur and all round fun guy, Tarzan, made a stalwart effort to raise the tempo by a series of rip roaringly funny knock-knock jokes. MM, Crusty Nuts introduced us to ‘The Girls of Marabaya,’ where ever that is, and Col. Bloodslut, Concorde and Magic D, wore stupid hats which brought mild amusement.

Oh yes I missed out the run discussion! I guess though the result was inevitable. After weeks and weeks of very good and excellent runs some one was going to fuck up, and perhaps we could have guessed it was going to be this pair. Even the quietly spoken and mild mannered Rabbi was forced to proffer that it was foocking disaster and his comments were soon reiterated by a chorus who were intent on declaring the run a hash-shit, even before the Master made his ultimatum. And so it was. Herpes comparison between the paperless hash and the paperless office brought short relief, as there were calls for retribution, which in some cases were excessive. Burning them alive maybe, dragged them down the Jagarowi by their scrota maybe, but have their heads displayed on gibbets at Pondok Indah Mal, as reminded to other hashers, was over the top. They were to spend much of the evening on ice.

Intermittent downpours decimated the circle, which was to end by 8.00pm, although we were forced to listen to the Hare’s songs. Mudguard’s rendition of ‘Hashers Dilemma’ was well presented and muted acknowledgment was given. Boltoneon’s Hang Down Your Head Ha-bee bee was a good song in itself, although apparently written by Ad de Leeuw, but the circle was in no mood to praise. The rain provided the final nail ……..