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Hashshit Holder: Next Week, Elephant Man

For once I arrived on time, thanks mainly to an impressive hand-break turn that my driver performed after the toll booth at Bogor, which allowed us to reenter the tol from the opposite direction, and join the circle at the services station just a few miles ahead. A large and aggressive batch of hashers had assembled with a number of old faces and a sprinkling of visitors. An unimpressive start had the pack bunched to negotiate its way under a steel fence and along a smelly drainage ditch. Once out and up the hill a vast expanse of virgin and not so virgin country beckoned. After 10 minutes of flaffing around caused by a few cheeky checks runners became strung out and we were soon away from din of the toll [and Bolt1on] .

Over the valley and soon a welcoming breeze spurred us on, with the magnificent sight of Gunung Salak to the south and a shepherd’s delight of a sunset to our west. The sinkong and sawah were just a blur as I rushed on by, and apart from a few tricky bamboo crossings and a few occasions when the acrid stench of fermenting cassava burn my nostrils, all went well. I remember little of those who were passed, passed me by, or tried to enter into polite conversation. Nick Leeson I did note had become fitter and faster since transferring from the Australian to the Indonesia police force, Mudguard moaned that he had lost time due to an unplanned stop to evacuate his back passage, and at one time my life was saved as Tom Jones stopped me from falling from a bridge into a rushing chasm below. Later I was to hear of a major bridge breaking incident by Jimmy Carter.

Hashmaster Drops Clangor: After a successful year as Hashmaster the general opinion on the night was that Sheepskin had tripped at the last hurdle and had made a tragic mistake which may have long and painful repercussions for hashing as we know it. For some unbelievable reason he asked Bolt1on to stand in as RA; a replacement for the two official RAs who had set the run. Total and utter Pandemonium resulted. Visitors, new members, occasionals, regulars and lifers alike were shocked at what went on. Rule thwarting, private partying, xenophobia, Cloggy bashing, Jap bating, references to very young girls in party dresses and the sexual proclivities of Aarvardks, taking the piss out of our older and shorter members, ripping the shirt off Hashman [fattest man in hashing history], the cowardly icing of incumbent RAs, can all be accept as part a good night out, but how could we ever have tolerated so much spillage. Thank god that this man is very much an also-ran nowadays, rarely staying past Magreb. As the circle dwindled and hashers sidled off there were mutters of disbelief, ‘Who was that effing plonker,’ ‘Get me out of Jakarta on the first flight,’ ‘How am I ever going to face the kids again after all I’ve drummed in to them about spillage.’ Etc.

Run Discussion: Endless nice things were said about this run, and one should concur that it was a pleasant affair, with plenty of ruining for those who like that sort of thing and opportunities for short cutting for those who like that also. The low percentage of kampung will stand out in my mind as the highlight. With typical assertiveness the HM declared it a good, very good and excellent run. Soon after the run discussion we had that time-honored few minutes when jokes are told by hashers whose first language is not English. Don’t give up your day job Tarzan, or you Rabeye!

Songs: Crusty Nuts rarely got a song in all night, although I do remember that family favorite ‘The Tampax Factory.’ The hares tried hard between periods on ice; there was a revised wording for ‘Rivers of Babylon’, and one which started ‘We are Two Little Bastards,’ but we new that already.

Awards and Achievement: Bullshit received his 350 run shirt and Crusty one for a hundred. To make the these achievements more than usually memorable the shirts had been thoroughly doused in beer beforehand, by you know who. And so to the award of the prestigious Jeremy Pigeon award to Hashman, who after eighteen glorious years, 400 runs, many old jokes and lots of sponsorship, is walking out on us to settle in Seattle, where he plans to diet for two years before returning. Nice things were said about him by VR, Mudguard and you know who, but when we realized that he was leaving Inspector Gadget in his place there was less enthusiasm

Beavis and Buthead Revisit: Mid way through the evening we were pleased to see the return of the old gits themselves, Joe and Willy [combined ages ca. 160], who were serenaded, forced to drink copious amounts of the amber nectar and eventually presented with shirts just cause it was nice thing to do.

New Committee: Rumor and counter rumor abounded on the night over who should be the new Hash Master, and who were destined for other high offices on the committee. Some appeared to think that a totally new man was required for the main job and Gopi’s [or Gupta’s or Gupy’s] name was high on the list, some thought the father and son partnership of Jonesy and Nick Leeson should be up among the contenders, The Rope smiled and looked quietly confident, the Japo-Cloggy Alliance was against everyone except one of their ranks, some even thought that for the fist time the job should go to a South American. So lets wait and see!

Mismanagment: The last meeting for this year’s incumbents was as usual a sober and serious affair as the various issues were debated, knowing that any one could have an enormous impact on hashing in the new millennium. Most of the topics were secret and probably difficult for your bog standard hasher to understand. One of the most riveting concerned the broken flash on the hash camera. This one stimulated intense debate, as the pros and cons of the different remedies were tossed back and forth. Sometimes they were difficult for even myself to grasp. Serious consideration was given to bringing the run start forward to avoid the use of the flash at all, but eventually and amicable resolution was agreed … which I forget. Oh yes the new hash master was elected…………………but that ‘s a secret ???????????????

Back to the bonsai [E.M.].

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