READ ALL ABOUT IT – SCORNED SECRETARIES REVENGE

SCRIBE’S REPORT Run 1642 Date 12 June 2000 Hares : Bolt 1 On

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Mountain Café (Café Hambelang)

RUN : CURSE OF THE SCORNED SECRETARIES

Our prolific Joint HM, both in and out of the Hash (the latter thanks to the big V), was again expected to lay a faultless run in extremely interesting country which would stretch his fellow hashers to the peak of their performance. Unfortunately something suspiciously like a Hash Shit emerged. What had happened? Had he really lost his glasses at Hash Golf the day before and was therefore unable to follow the trial he had so diligently recced on 8 previous occasions? Or were there more sinister forces at work? Could it be that the one thing every man fears most (no, not the droopy one), had now afflicted our persistent and consistent over performer? Yes, I put it to you fellow Hashers that Bolt 1 On has been struck by the curse of the Scorned Secretaries. Had they indeed found his Achilles heel (or something more obvious)? Would the curse belittle this great man by embarrassing him with a Hash Shit? Read on……….

CIRCLE : HERPE’S RETURN AND THE GREAT ESCAPE

The great HM Herpes returnth and our cups overflowth.

Rumours of JH3 using a soft drinks umbrella (B…..g) had reached HM’s ears back in Europe. As a result, the stand-in JM(s) were not congratulated or thanked for their sterling efforts during his eminence’s absence but unceremoniously ice for this oversight and dereliction of duty (tough luck Elephant Man).

Next to feel the wrath of the HM was the RA whose judgement of the weather was again brought into question .. dry season, what dry season? The blame was offloaded onto the Rope for misinformation in March 16^th Hash sheet.

This set the tone for a merciless treatment of the circle. New Boy Tim Pitt quickly fell foul of the HM for persistent trouser pocket abuse. He was provisionally pronounced Sperm Whale and he and his trainer Elephant Man were downed with Yoshi (who masqueraded during the run as a whale sized yellow condom).

Next Week (H Flash) produced some of his wares but our new flasher is obviously a slow learner and was sent back to apprentice school to be shown how to take the lens cap off and put a film in camera.

Announcements – guess what. Yep, the Pan Indoh Hash is still on folks .. see above for details.

Then to the interesting bit. Hares into the Circle but what is this. Had the Scorned Secretaries Curse struck again for there was no co-hare. Had Elephant Man been got at, as well as Bolt 1 On? So what about the run assessment… it didn’t look good. Sperm Whale (TP) apparently turned up late and in his best Morningside accent (Edinburgh for those not in the know) baffled everyone with references to fuuuutbooool and gave half marks for half a hash. Super Brat was more complimentary and declared it the run of the Century ..but why? More curses. Clark Kent’s comments were of less interest than the parachute he wears around his waist which he loosely refers to as shorts. Vatican Rag’s numbers didn’t add up as usual (least ways they didn’t add up to any sense) but with a VR Quotient of 0.2, he was greatly disappointed. Colonel Bloodknock, was very forgiving with his comments. This was an emergency run, Bolt 1 On only knew about run 6 weeks ago and had only done 6 recces. So what else could account for the poor run other than the Curse of the Secretaries? Gay Gordon couldn’t understand why this was a run when most of the time was spent walking or driving over the route. Hash Shit. MGM was far more forgiving and Mud Guard even had the audacity to suggest that Gay Gordon had sabotaged the Hare with his Hash golf the previous day (another in cahoots with the secretaries?). HM made final judgement and undermined all the hard work of the Scorned Secretaries by declaring the run something other than a Hash Shit. Bolt 1 On was so relieved he was straight on the mobile to his whitch doctor to confirm that the curse had been broken. Then, with great relief, he sung the Loopy song with gusto.

Achievers corners. Vatican Rag achieved his 800^th run on 15^th May 2000 and was duely awarded shirt and mug. The Super Brat look-un-like was determined to protect his sensitive manly frame by wringing out his iced shirt before putting it on. He then proceeded to regale all with a song about a Kiwi in London.

The second achiever was the Cursed One (Bolt One On) who received a 450 run award and gave us a joke about condoms. Elephant Man received 200 run award and proved he can really sing (after some encouragement) and also act … if only he remembers the words.Congats to all the big achievers!

The Colonel then raised the serious subject of the potential disintegration of JH3. First there was the split of Batavia in 1986 and then TGIF in 1986. Now there were reports of a Gay Gordon highland dance hash, an Angie paperless hash and a Leeky Dick Manunited supporters hash. More curses?

Tarzan, no speaking, entered the circle late smelling like a 1970’s ad for a well-known faberge product but what a smart suit!

Clark Kent then explained why it took him 90 minutes longer than everyone else to finish the run. Apparently he took the wrong turn and after being picked up (and thrown out) 5 times he eventually made it back to the Circle. There was reference to some young girls who tried to lead him astray ... could they have been The scorned secretaries in disguise?

Angie then led us into a nautical ditty “ frigging in the rigging” in his own inimitable style.

There was a sad moment when we realised Clumpy had popped his cloggs .. or rather we found a pair of his shoes in the circle but no trace of the man himself (more unexplained happenings!).

The Colonel took up where the HM left off. To the HM .. your looking very fresh after your trip .. just like Dorian Grey. Incidentally you missed a few important events … Triathlon, Sprash, Highland Gathering and hash Golf. Apparently our HM was seeking foreign support in the mist of a possible disintegration of the Hash. Bring on the new recruits … the Natzy Gorengs!

Chris Stoddard made a bit of a splash on his first appearance and was duely baptised with piss and iced twice all for wasting good piss.

Finally, the Colonel in a frenzy, directed himself at Elephant Man. It is one thing for the Colonel to be chided, berated, insulted and abused by the former scribe E Man but all this paled into insignificance against the heinous crime of not even mentioning him in the March 15^th sheet. Current scribes take note!

And so to the closing (English) anthem and Makanan at the neighbouring restaurant where 12 dined finely, in part at the Cursed One’s (B1O) expense.

Congratulations to all the achievers and be careful out there (there are secretaries about)!

Scribe GG

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