Jakarta Hash House Harriers
Scribe
Sheet Run 1655
HASHSHIT
HOLDERS: Rabeye & Tarzan (run 1653)
VITLESS VANKER, zee VOFFLE MYSTER and zee PISS KEEPERS
SCRIBE’S REPORT Run 1655 Date September 11 2000
Hares Witless Wanker & Mudguard
Statistics: Members 26, New Members 6, Visitors 0.
Total 32.
Site: p to p Matoa to Cinere
OF
SOCIAL ACTIVITIES IN JAKARTA, THERE ARE SO MANY TO CHOOSE
This
e-mail goes out to over 110 people but only 32 of you were there on Monday. So
we could talk about the shitty run location, the abandonment by the Hares of a
fellow hasher’s car or even the run. But since the vast majority of you don’t
give a fuck about the run because you weren’t there lets give the punters what
they want and discuss something really interesting – the sex life of the Hares.
Although none of us likes to admit it we all suffer from peculiar and at times
entertaining personal problems which affect our love lives. We all have our
secret little sexual hang up. And that goes for this week’s Hares too. Your
Turd Scribe has discovered they have sexual difficulties that they refuse to
discuss with even their closest fellow hashers. I have therefore obtained, by
perfectly illegal means, the records of a sex therapist (a certain Dr. Budi)
visited by both these perverts. Of course we in the gutter press respect every
individuals right to privacy and would never normally publish such material but
after no careful deliberation your Turd Scribe decided it was a matter of
critical public information that this material was published. Having invested a
large amount of cash in an all rubber diving suit Mudguard was apparently
unable to achieve sexual arousal wearing the costume. The idea of rubber gear
turns him on but in practice his wetsuit was a flop and he ended up flapping
around hopelessly on the bed; as a result his partner was turned off and
Mudguards sex life took such a dive he visited the good doctor. The case notes
record that wearing tight fitting rubber clothing can act as a powerful sexual
stimulant and providing both partners approve there is nothing harmful in the
behaviour. However Dr. Budi suggests Mudguard may have jumped in at the deep
end. If rubber appeals to him, and it clearly does because he is always wearing
a rubber bathing hat, nobody could be that bald, he should introduce rubber to
his lovemaking more gradually. At first he could wear rubber gloves after a
while perhaps add some Wellington boots, as he gets used to the sensual feel of
rubber on his body he should gradually build up to the full rubber suit. The
case notes for Witless Wanker record that he sought advise after his
girlfriends mother played footsie under the table with him during the evening
meal when he visited her parents house. Later that evening when his girlfriend
was sleeping her mother crept up and started kissing him, the next thing he
knew they were making passionate love. Witless confessed “it was fantastic,
better than anything I have experienced before, this woman was twice my age and
she taught me things I didn’t know were possible”. However he now feels guilty
and ashamed, a bit of a wanker and fears he could loose his girlfriends. Dr
Budi notes Witless has made a big mistake by allowing himself to be seduced by
this older woman. He advised that under no circumstances should he see the
mother again and he should come clean with his girlfriend and face the music,
the furniture that will be thrown at him and the death threats from the
relatives.
A
SUCK, MAYBE A FUCK, OR PERHAPS JUST RESORT TO THE BOOZE
Much planning had gone into this run by the hares. They had spent ages scrutinising the maps of Jakarta to find the most inaccessible area possible. Having finally located the narrowest and most congested roads they settled on a point near Matoa Golf that would take at least 2 hours to get to. That would put off anybody with a real job turning up. However since a significant portion of JHHH members are “resting” from employment at the moment the plan was to announce the run as a point to point to put off these geriatric old bastards as well. For those still brave enough to try a few signs would be placed at the wrong angle to direct these poor wankers into the middle of nowhere. The Hares would then be able to go to the nearest bar and start celebrating their combined ages 147th birthday which this year happens to be also twice their joint IQ. Unfortunately for them JHHH hashers love a challenge and 32 masochists braved the horrendous traffic and misleading signs and turned up. The run was a pleasant enough thing. The first part running around the fishponds before heading down the valley of the appropriately named (for two bald Hares) Crewcut River. As an orange sun slowly sunk in the cloudless sky and the golden rays filtered through the fronds of the coconut trees the hopes of the hares lay in tatters. The hoped for apocalyptic end of the world downpour on the scale that Jonesy had so easily rustled up last week would have trapped the pack in a muddy quagmire. Unfortunately for the Hares the weather was perfect. The well laid run kept the pack together and your scribe and the other frbs Gay Gordon and Sadist frequently swapped the lead with Goblok M, Pretty Boy, Nick Leeson and new member Wayne with the Cammelback full of beer. The checks, loops and narrow trail were to keep the pack together till near the end. In a last ditch attempt to get a Shit of a Run vote the hares avoided a beautiful area of Sawah terraces and laid the trail through a complex of muddy fishponds and barbwire. Your scribe and Gay Gordon treated this with the contempt it deserved and headed up onto the dry terraces and the short romp in, arriving first at 5.52. The circle site was strategically placed 500m from Witless’s house to avoid the rape & pillage by marauding hashers of his most prized possessions, his computer, girlfriends, staff and wife in that order. Backmarkers Bemo Bob and The Rope came in 25 minutes later at a leisurely stroll.
BUT
THERE’S ONE THING YOU CAN BE SURE ABOUT
Some Hashers just love a challenge and so Angie and Koncrete Kock decided to set off on the run late. They could have worked together as a team and had a bit of a chat along the way but instead these highly competitive shortcutters decided to see who was the smartest. Angie arrived in as darkness fell having bearly broken into a sweat, meanwhile Konkrete Kock was building bridges across the river which led him straight into the fish pond complex. Ignoring the fundamental rules of navigation such as head onto higher ground and the shortest time between two points may not be a straight line he succeeded in getting mired in pits full of black ooze in the dark surrounded by barbed wire. Needless to say when he finally extricated himself and staggered in half way through the circle he received much sympathy from the assembled masses. Maybe he loves wadeing around in stinking, festering shit. Talking of perversions just why does Vatican Rag get so excited about the number of hashers he counts on the run? Why not the number of kids that shout “Hello Mister” or the number of motorcyclists that fasten the chinstraps on their helmets? When I was a child I used to count the number of red cars to while away a long journey, but I grew out of it. Come on John, get a life man.
WHETHER
SUCKING A BOTTLE OR TIT
The returners were interesting. The Rope returned after a long absence but not as long an absence as Poison, who Pretty Boy had finally located, dug up and resurrected. Good to see you both again. The Australian police were also present in force. Not as it turns to protect the hash but to look after the beer. HM therefore christened them the Piss Keepers. They took their duty seriously and hit upon the brilliant idea that the best place to protect it was inside their stomachs. It was good to see another new member tonight the Belgian waffle maker, Phil, was back and at one point HM Herpes called in “zee Voffle Myster and Vitless Vanker” not that we would ever take the piss out of his funny Germanic accent. The run discussion was pretty tame. The Hares had clearly failed to trap the pack in the shit and therefore the hoped for Shit of a Run was never on the cards. On the other hand it wasn’t a truly great run either, it was one of those difficult to describe nicely laid nice runs. Like nice girls it never grabbed you by the balls nor got you dangerously excited. Elephant Man, Leeky Dick, Tom Jones, Nick Leeson and the Ausie Police all thought it a good Run. Pretty Boy hated the barbed wire and shit and Poison hated all the Kampung. For Vatican Rag it was a 44/2=30/22=1.8 whatever that means. Cheeseballs was complimentary but complained about the shocking run directions and the abandonment at the start point of Holy Joops new luxury Mercedes by the hares, when they left it the kampung kids were only just starting to dismantle it. Of course the circle showed much sympathy for the fate of my fellow scribe from Cloggieland who loves himself so much. The Rope seems to have had the most interesting run, a monkey had jumped on his shoulder and two geese had chased him.
THAT
WHEN YOU GET BACK TO THE MISSUS, YOU WILL BE DEEP IN THE SHIT
Angie sang Dynah. Cheeseballs dragged in the Hash Olympic team entry of Bemo Bob, Next Week, Superbrat, and Witless for fortifying drinks. Nick Leeson was unable to defend himself for major private partying by his copper mates and sat on the ice while Angie sang Blackbird. It would appear that Australians have never heard of Whippets, which as Witless pointed out is what you do to your wife on a Saturday night. The musical highlights of the night were from Mudguard with a repeat of two of his classic songs “I got to go, walk out the door” and “ I am the greatest Hasher”. Tarzan complained several times about the Australian private partying before delivering the classic statement to Nick Leeson “you respect I expect quiet I you gave me you respect me and good not everyone understands your body” keep talking Tarzan one day you might say something comprehensible. Witless sang a repeat of his “Under Your Pubis”. We had a short 347-verse rendition of Sister Belinda and Cheeseballs engaged in a megadowndown giving session to finish the circle. Despite yet more pathetic directions from the Hares 14 of the 17 people left at the end eventually found Seafood 99 in Cinere and we had great food and more beer. For the few of us that made Blok M we met up with KK and continued on and on. Thanks hares for a NICE run and a good night out. This scribe appreciated the new twist to using this bit of country but would just point out that you could probably get to Sukabumi in the time it took to get to Matoa Golf.
Superbrat TURD SCRIBE
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